Para-Olympics Day 6: Isn't Britain Doing Well.

With 23 Golds, 30 Silver and 26 Bronze TeamGB is currently sitting second place in the parallel Olympic medal table.

Now I hate to be a cynic but might I be so bold as to suggest that this is because Britain has entered so many competitors in the para-Olympics that they've included a fair few simply because they've got comedy names. Apart from all the Cleggs, Osbornes and Camerons I think today's highlights must include "Heather Fredriksen" an S6 swimmer whose given name is a reference to a Canadian "Heather" who I once knew whose father was a "Mountie" with whom I had a bizarre Christmas day telephone conversation and whose family name is a reference to "Lars Fredriksen" - the lead guitarist of the punk band "Rancid." Then there's wheelchair tennis player "Gordon Reid" whose name is just two letters away from an address in the Olympic borough. Most importantly though there was a flabby "Sally Brown" who as a T46 runner can't even use the fact she's lost her left forearm as an excuse for why she can't stop shovelling crisps into her mouth. Seriously she was so terrible it forced the International Para-Olympic Committee (IPC) to enquire if she'd only been entered because a ska act called "Laurel Atkin" once recorded a song called "Sally Brown" along with a song called "Lion of Judea." However despite being given three penalty kicks TeamGB still lost 1-0 to Iran in blind football dispelling all rumours that it might have been a song lyric code. However I'm sure that if you were to press the Brits on the issue they would claim it had all been a giant satire on the competitiveness of the para-Olympics.

Now I'm going to go a out, have a cigarette and check my spelling.

22:50 on 4/9/12.

Edited at around 23:00 on 4/9/12 to add;

Nope I've checked my record collection and it's "Laurel Aitken and the Loafers" performing both "Sally Brown" and "Lion of Judah." On the subject of record collections I've recently inherited part of my little gay brother's. So far I've violated the copyright on tracks 1 and 4 of "La Roux's" self-titled album along with tracks 1.2 and 7 of "Robyn's" self-titled album and most of "Lilly Allen's" debut "Alright Still" and my god that was a horrifying revelation when I heard it on my iPod. However none of that helps me at all so I suppose I should talk about TeamGB's one true athlete. If you've not heard of "Ellie Simmonds" she's a dwarf who won a lot of Gold medals at the 2008 Beijing para-Olympics. As a result the last Labour government made her the youngest ever person (at 13 y.o) to win an Member of the British Empire (MBE) medal. At the time this provoked furious debate about whether the Labour Party where giving out honours too easily. Last night the BBC expanded this debate to include the argument about whether the TeamGB stars of the Olympics should be awarded honours in the Queen's New Years honours list by suggesting that if Ms Simmonds won a third 2012 Gold in the S6 50m Freestyle she would "be looking for an upgrade." Sadly the IPC were not impressed by this effort so in the end Simmonds won a Bronze while I'm just happy in the knowledge that if I ever found myself on a plane with Ms Simmonds I would spend most of the flight wondering if I could fit her into one of the overhead luggage compartments.

23:15 on 4/9/12.

Edited at around 23:25 on 4/9/12 to add;

Elsewhere in the real(ish) world there was a fire small fire in the kitchen of London's Arsenal Football Club Emirates stadium. As in the football code "Arsenal" represent "Lesbians" and the "kitchen" is where you cook this could be interpreted as Gulf Monarchy code for "The lesbians aren't as anywhere near as good at cooking up plans as they think" but mainly I think it was Britain polling opinions about the Saudi Arabian delegate to the COP16/CMP6 climate change summit's tendency to tell much better qualified female delegates that they should "Get back in the Kitchen." In case I've failed to mention it rape, paedophilia, consensual sex and the gray area between the three will be a major topic for the 2012 Olympics. So it should have come as no surprise that the hearing to decide if the people who put up around GBP260,000/USD390,000 bail money for Julian Assange was opened and adjourned before it could be decided whether they should have their money returned to them or not. Just to confuse matters "Farzana Ahmed" was given leave to appeal her conviction for murder after being convicted of the 'honour killing' of her daughter "Shafilea Ahmed" after she refused to take part in a 'forced marriage.' Personally I think the best response to all this came from the South Koreans who announced they will be expanding their policy of chemically castrating male sex offenders who have committed an offence against a person aged 19 years or younger. Apart from bombarding the Brits with a long list of numbers they don't understand this also raised the question of whether a disabled person's right to have sex was inalienable or could be removed under certain circumstances such as committing the crime of rape.

Elsewhere the Catholic part of a housing estate in the Carlisle Circus part of Belfast is still not best pleased with the Protestant part of a housing estate in the Carlisle Circus part of Belfast. However the violence does not appear to be spreading despite the fact that an alleged senior commander in the Real Irish Republican Army (RIRA) got himself a little bit killed last night (Monday) in Dublin. According to the local police it was a gangland hit but the Olympic family was meant to spend the day guessing whether it was the IRA or MI5 who shut him up. Sadly I can't offer any clarity on the matter because contrary to popular opinion I'm not actually connected to the IRA although MI5 did try to export me to Belfast in about 2007.

And yes that is my final edit.

23:59 (no really) on 4/9/12.