London 2012's Over and There's a Cold Wind Blowing

That's why I wore long sleeves to the supermarket much to the para-Olympic sponsors annoyance.

In what can only be interpreted as a sign of growing desperation apart from grinding London to a halt with it's victory parade the British hosts yesterday threw in some extra tricks in one last desperate attempt to shake down the Olympic family as they made their hungover way home.

These included the discovery of a severed head in a canal in the Olympic borough of Hackney. This is believed to belong to Gemma McCluskie an actress who appeared in the BBC1 soap opera Eastenders however as there rest of her body parts were discovered in March 2012 (around six months ago) it's obviously going to take while to confirm that. I think though that it's pretty obvious that it was and the head was actually found at the same time as the other body parts but was kept in a bucket of canal water to be 'discovered' by a 'member of the public' at an appropriate time because is there ever really a good time to use the phrase; "We've found a severed head." Another 'member of the public' discovered body parts which are believed to be from a dead baby on Tooting Bec Common (public park). As this is close to Saint George's Hospital (where my mother and actually quite a few members of my family used to work) the assumption is that this an unwanted pregnancy that was dumped rather then aborted. However it was actually a reference to an infant that fell down a rubbish chute at a residential tower block in the Wolverhampton part of the UK on Sunday. Fortunately that infant has so far survived because well you try and find something to say about a dead baby on the 11th anniversary of the September 11th attacks.

Those 'members of the public' were also busy yesterday in the Mortlake (as in Lake of Death) area of north London where they discovered the corpse of a very badly beaten man of African origin just lying in the middle of Portman Avenue. As this is under the flightpath to Heathrow airport the assumption was that the man was an illegal immigrant who fell out of an aircraft as it's landing gear deployed. However I think it's much more likely that someone just beat an illegal immigrant to death and dumped the body under the flight path in order to make the Olympic family that little bit more paranoid about Heathrow airport while at the same time promoting discussion about those para-Olympian's from the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) who've apparently gone missing and that dead man of African origin who was recently discovered in the landing gear well of an aircraft arriving from South Africa. Dumping a body by hiding it in the landing gear of an aircraft was of course a plot in the episode of the US TV Show "Burn Notice" that was shown in the UK last Wednesday. I believe that episode started with a voice over saying; "In this business turning up on time means getting there 15 minutes early" which so could have been an elaborate tip about the para-Olympic closing ceremony.

Also to add to the drama yesterday morning the bomb squad were dispatched to the al-Hilli (from the French Squirt) family home after the discovery of some suspicious chemicals. As that's a phrase no-one in Olympic security ever wants to hear the bomb squad took many, many hours to conclude that the 'suspicious' chemicals were just normal garden fertiliser and diesel fuel that were in the garage of the family. Of course as you can make some pretty impressive explosives out of agricultural fertiliser and diesel fuel this was also a suggestion as to whether it would be acceptable for me to solve the problem of the neighbours at number 50 by simply blowing them up. Quite apart from the fact that in the UK garden fertiliser doesn't have the required levels of nitrate to make an explosive (thanks IRA) I pretty sure that blowing up a house that is physically connected to my house is going to help the people who want to redevelop the site more then it will help me. Also I'm pretty sure that because Britain is a civilised democracy there's a much more simple solution. We overlook the criminal conduct (although I'm not sure why I should) of Croydon Magistrates Court and change the public record to show that a closure order was placed on the property and the police come round to arrest any occupants for contempt of court. Then the Notting Hill Housing Trust can either attempt to sell the house that no-one can live in order to compensate me or they can just sign the deeds over. So yeah considering that I've earned the right to insist that the Church of England never operate within the Borough of Croydon again I think we can safely assume that the settlement price is going to be quite a lot higher then the GBP30,000 offered to the Queen's watch expert or whatever prize money Andy Murray received from his latest tennis game.

Oh and England are playing Ukraine in a World Cup Qualifier tonight and I'll be going to the pub. So in order to avoid any speculation about whether I'll get drunk and/or stoned I should assure you that I'm a bit drunk now and I've got two hours to kill before the pub. I wouldn't worry that much though because rather then being evidence of a slide into alcoholism this sadly a well rehearsed routine to switch from functioning alcoholism to sobriety without going into multi-organ failure. Mind you if Rihanna does turn up at a crappy Wetherspoons in Croydon I will have a heart attack because to give you a clue about just how drunk I was on on Sunday up until reading about in today's papers I was convinced that tattoo of Isis was on her back.

16:25 on 11/9/12.