The Para-Olympic Closing Ceremony.

Originally titled "Live and Let Die You Metellica MotherF*" in a reference to Brazil's contribution to the ceremony that I will get onto later.

In an effort to promote discussion about the three concepts of time (daylight savings, solar, atomic) that are currently in effect in the UK Coldplay used their Twitter feed to leak the news that the ceremony would begin at one of the 19:30's. Technically this was not a lie because the ceremony did begin at 19:30 (Daylight Savings Time/DST). However the opening act was the parade of nations. As many of the para-Olympians have mobility problems and the closing ceremony is really a chance for them to let their hair down, have a bit of a party and enjoy themselves this part of the ceremony was very informal and not televised in the UK in an effort to loosen the athletes up away from the structure and discipline that pretty much rules their and generally get a bit drunk. Unfortunately no-one knew how long this process would take meaning that the show could have began thirty minutes or an hour or ninety minutes after the athletes started entering the stadium. This was a nightmare for the athletes who entered the stadium first and were left sitting around with nothing to do and any TV channels across the world who were trying to broadcast the ceremony live leading to lots of speculation about what the hold up was including but in no way limited to the suggestion that everybody was waiting for me to finish my dinner and sit down to watch the ceremony. During this time Britain's Channel 4 (C4) broadcast a studio based panel show in which various C4 para-Olmypic's presenters popped in to talk about the games and fill the dead air. This gave viewers and C4 producers an opportunity to rate some of the new presenters (including Alex Brooker) who were basically brought in on work experience to cover the games as a very long job interview. The studio also kept throwing back and forth to the Olympic stadium in order to interview basically anyone they could find. Two of the pre-arranged interviews conducted by the very experienced C4 News presenter Jon Snow were with the British Prime Minister David Cameron and the Mayor of London Boris Johnson. C4 viewers who watched the opening ceremony will remember this being Alex Brooker's baptism of fire TV debut. With the athlete all in the stadium about 45 minutes after they began making their way in the entertainment/broadcast part of the ceremony began at 19:30 (Solar time/GMT.) In an effort to keep them entertained the crowd in the stadium were led in a mass countdown to the start but were out by about three seconds.

As these types of international simultaneous broadcast always do the broadcast section began with a short pre-recorded video sequence. Apart from looking pretty these serve an important technical purpose by allowing all the different broadcast to make sure they start broadcasting the live feed at the right time. In order to make this even easier these sequences normally feature a ten second countdown with the numerals 10 to 1 being clearly displayed in the centre of the picture with the zero second being left blank. However in the sequences in the Olympic opening and closing ceremonies and the para-Olympic opening ceremony these numerals were disguised as part of the image with the rings from a coffee cup on a table making up the 8, the 7 being a house number, the 6 being a number on a bus etc in a deliberate attempt to annoy foreign broadcasters. Although I suspect that the satellite feed featured more traditional numerals overlaid on the video the UK broadcast feed did not feature any numerals at all. This was an attempt to engage foreign broadcasters in a debate about why many of them were picking up the full satellite feed but not broadcasting the para-Olympic ceremonies in the way they had broadcast the Olympic ceremonies.

As the international simultaneous broadcast that broadcasters in Europe are most familiar with is the Eurovision Song Contest which gets broadcast live to many European nations every year the visual style of the video was a clear nod to the visual style used at Eurovision which is probably where most of the complaints about the numerals had come from. It began with a man who looked a bit like Jason Orange from the band Take That dressed in a costume of a sort of 19th century pirate similar to the one worn by Orange in the video for "Kidz." He began by looking up at the sky through a sextant which is another reference to the concepts of time because a sextant is a device used by early sailors to calculate their position at sea relative to the position of the sun and time. The man then looked down into his notebook at a picture of a sailing ship and a scaffold-pole sailing ship suddenly appeared around him. He then 'sailed' that ship through the streets of Britain most notably picking up an adolescent girl who was a reference the Olympic debate about sexual ages of consent. On the way he was joined by a parade of other people and odd looking vehicles including what viewers of the BBC car show "Top Gear" would recognise as "the Bacchus" a very unique type of car that was built by a German man by basically just adding wheels and seats to the massive engine from a World War 2 German Heinkal bomber. Apart from being a way to show off an example of a British idea that has gone on to become a global brand the reference to "Top Gear" was also an attempt to ignite more discussion about the is Rihanna a US spy? debate because "Top Gear" did once have a great deal of trouble getting a US work visa in what many people think was an attempt to force "Top Gear" into a very lengthy debate with the US government about who they are, what they do and why they're doing it. Apart from being a reference to the fact that the BBC1 drama series "Inspector George Gently" which features a character name "Bacchus" was starting at the same time (the argument about the prominence of the para-Olympic in the schedules that was begun in the opening ceremony) the inclusion of the Bacchus was to show that after two very large wars Britain and Germany are now friends an allies and to raise discussion about the "German Bombers" chant often sung by England football fans/hooligans. Sung to the tune of "10 Green Bottles" it's basically a chant about German bombers appearing in the sky and getting shot down by Britain's Royal Air Force (RAF) in a reference to the second world war. Since the emergence of groups like the English Defence League (EDL) a lot of people have commented that this sort of racist behaviour from English football fans/hooligans has got worse. The soundtrack to the video was a special composition called "Welcome" composed by David Arnold a British man who is rather famous for his work in television and movies including some of the James Bond movies.

As soon as the video sequence finished the live broadcast of the ceremony began. The show opened with men dressed in costumes similar those used the "Mad Max" films aboard weird rusted out vehicles that looked like they'd been made out of scrap parts like the type of vehicles used in the Mad Max films. Evoking memories of the Mad Max films obviously provokes discussion about their star Mel Gibson and his penchant for anti-Semitic rants and his other films such as "Apocalypto" which is about the Mayan tribe who predicted that the world would end in 2012. The Mayans would become another theme used later in the ceremony. The main use of the Mad Max reference though was a contribution to the global warming/climate change debate. Whether or not you believe that the burning of fossil fuels causes climate change fossil fuels are a finite resource that will eventually run out so there are people who think we should make efforts to reduce our consumption of fossil fuels in order to make them last as long as possible. The other school of thought led by Britain is that we should use up all the fossil fuels as quickly as possible while preparing to be the winners in a post-Apocalypse Mad Max style future where everybody fights for every last scrap of oil, coal, metal and water. I also think that Rihanna may have referenced Mad Max in one of her music videos. The men who we were told were "Wind Gremlins" were riding what can only be described as "Fan Bikes" that is to say a sort of motorcycle that was powered by a giant fan on the back similar to the fan boats they use in the Florida Everglades. These Wind Gremlins proceeded to tear around the stadium and great speed making lots of noise so at a stretch of the imagination could have been compared to the Valkyries from the opera by the German composer Richard Wagner. Wagner was said to be Adolf Hitler's favourite composer and his music was said to be played in the Nazi concentration camps so the reference was another little nod to Germans over how Britain now considers them allies and an enquiry to Israel about why I keep talking about Wagner. The overture from the opera Ride Of the Valkyries was also used in the famous Vietnam war film "Apocalypse Now" so can be used to promote discussion about the Vietnam war and the Apocalypse school of thought in global warming/climate change. A Valkyrie is of course a type of angel from Norse (Viking) mythology that transports the souls of dead warriors to Valhalla which is the Norse version of heaven so the reference to Valkyries was a reference to the different tribes that have invaded an occupied Britain at various points over it's history. The tribal make up of Britain would become another significant theme of the ceremony. I think the giant flaming face that appeared later on was a Norse god but I can't be sure because it looked a bit generic tribal art to me.


Edited at 23:30 on 12/9/12 to add: Let's try this again shall we;

Once they'd finished pretending to be Valkyries the Wind Gremlins assembled in the centre of the stadium forming a circle around a giant installation of the para-Olympic logo - the Agitos - that was suspended in the air from wires. As the wind from the Wind Gremlin's fanbikes buffeted the Agitos sexy female dancers who were dressed as nuns/19th century nurses began to have a pillow fight below it with the feathers from the pillows emphasising the force at which the Agitos was been buffeted by the Wind Gremlins. As the word Agitos can be pronounced to sound like the word ATOS - a para-Olympic sponsor this was meant to represent the protests against ATOS that had been seen during the para-Olympics over ATOS' role in carrying out the unpopular reforms contained in the British government's 2011 Welfare Reform Act. The similarity in the dancers costumes was meant to be a reference to the nurses featured in the NHS sequence of the Olympic opening ceremony which could have been viewed as either a protest against the British governments reforms to the NHS in the 2011 Health and Social Care Act or a way to sell those reforms to the British public. The image of sexy nuns/nurses having a pillow fight was supposed to be a reference to the plot of any number of generic pornographic movies in order to add the the level of sexual innuendo that formed a major theme of the opening ceremony.

While this was going on dancers/performers dragged in a piece of stage furniture that looked like a medieval siege machine/battering ram to emphasise the idea of ATOS being placed under siege. The siege machine/battering ram was being ridden by a double above the knee amputee who had very short prosthetic legs. He was introduced by the British commentator - Khrishnan Guru Murphy - as "Luke Sinnott a Navy Captain who lost both his legs to an IED while fighting in Afghanistan." As along with most people I couldn't think of any reason why the Captain of a Royal Navy warship would have any reason to be stepping on an IED in the Afghan desert I took this to mean that Luke Sinnott was a Captain in the Royal Marines which are part of the Navy. Now as I have a cousin who I refer to as Luke even though that's not his name who tried and failed on physical grounds to get into the Royal Marines twice before joining the Royal Engineers regiment of the Army instead I took this to be a reference to him. This was confirmed when it was revealed that Luke Sinnott was actually a Captain in the Royal Engineers. Obviously it's a bit odd that a man with my reputation has a cousin in the British Army so his failure to get into the Royal Marines has always been shrouded in mystery because there was a feeling that Britain wouldn't want an associate of mine involved in one of Britain's elite units because although the Marines are not special forces they do deal with some of the more sensitive and important jobs. The other reason why the commentator referred to Luke Sinnott as a navy captain is because since being wounded Sinnott has gone on to set up a government funded charity helping other wounded military personnel come to terms with their disabilities by learning to crew and sail old fashioned sailing (tall) ships. Along with dance and circus skills this sort of ship therapy has become very fashionable in the UK to help people with all sorts of problems. For example a mental health charity (Mind) that I used to be associated with has a similar program to help people with mental health problems overcome them by learning to sail tall ships. Despite being involved with Mind I had no involvement in their sailing ships project so I can really comment on how effective it was. However I do know that this type of tall ship are really expensive to buy and maintain so in a time of government spending cuts Sinnott's inclusion was to promote discussion about whether the same results could be achieved at a lower cost. In an attempt to send the message that Britain's values it's war heroes more then ATOS Sinnott's arrival was enough to force the Agitos to finally be blown away and the act ended.

The third act featured dancers/performers marching into the stadium carrying flaming torches to represent the generic early tribes of ancient Britain and one group who appeared to be dressed as Roman centurions. This whole sequence reminded me of the Lewes fireworks display that marks Bonfire Night (November 5th) in the village of Lewes just outside Brighton which has become something of a major tourist attraction. Having lived in Brighton for a number of years I've attended the Lewes fireworks display on a number of occasions but found it distinctly unsettling because although for most people in Britain Bonfire Night is just an excuse to muck about with bonfires and fireworks it actually marks the anniversary of Catholic plotters failure to blow up the Houses of Parliament and kill the Protestant King James in 1605. The bonfires are actually a reference to the gruesome way that the plotters including Guy Fawkes were executed. So when you go to traditional displays like Lewes there's actually a strong current of anti-Catholic bigotry with effigies of the Pope being burned and such like. This of course promotes discussion about the English civil wars and King James' invasion of the Republic of Ireland and the ongoing Protestant V Catholic tensions in Northern Ireland. The Roman centurions reminded me of one particular Lewes fireworks I attended with a very drunk Australian who decided that he wanted to join in with the parade leading to him very nearly getting beaten up by around 20 big men dressed as Roman centurions and carrying flaming torches. Funnily enough this did also involve a quick converstation with the police in which phrases like "drunk and disorderly" might have been used although no arrests were made.

While the marchers were making their way around the stadium the Wind Gremlins and the siege machine were also driving around and were joined by the Bacchus from the opening video sequence which got a loud cheer. This was an effort to demonstrate that Britain and Germany are such good friends that not only were they able to get the Bacchus for the video they were also able to get it there for the night. The Bacchus was driven by a bald white man in a leather jacket who could either have been the the owner/creator of the Bacchus or the wounded soldier who would appear later. The battering ram of the siege machine which had by now made it's way to the centre of the stadium then suddenly started to slowly rise up to erect a massive pole which Luke Sinnott started to climb. As Sinnott is a double above the knee amputee and only has short prosthetic legs it took him a long time to climb the pole and there was doubt he would ever make it to the top. So yes apart from being a slight reference to Sinnott's tall ships charity the giant pole was meant to represent a giant erect male penis and the doubts over whether Sinnott would be able to get up it was a little nod to Pele's appearance in Brazil's bit of the Olympic closing ceremony.

While we were all waiting to see if the Brits would be able to get it up our representative from the Royal Family arrived along with the International Para-Olympic Committee head Sir Phillip Craven arrived in the stadium. In a break from tradition rather then just walking into the Royal box these VIP's were instead driven onto the floor of the stadium itself in a rusted out limousine that like the Wind Gremlins Fanbikes and the Bacchus looked like it had been built out of scrap parts. This was a significant step down in the world for the Royal representative who is used to being driven around in a pristine and specially built Daimler limousine. The purpose was to promote discussion about whether the British Royal Family are starting to look a bit rusty, tired and a throwback to a world that no-longer exists. The choice of the Royal representative was interesting because it was Prince Edward Duke of Wessex. So the sight of him arriving while Sinnot was still clambering up that giant pole re-started all those jokes from the para-Olympic opening ceremony about Prince Edward's sexuality. Also at a distance and partially hidden by the car you could have mistaken Prince Edward for Prince William Duke of Cambridge and the sight of him arriving next to Sinnott's massive pole could promote discussion about why more then a year into their marriage William still hasn't managed to get Catherine pregnant. After all her entire purpose in life is to give birth to a heir and a spare. I believe this issue has already been broached by 'well wishers' on the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge's tour of Singapore.

Once they'd got out of car Prince Edward and Sir Craven stood/sat in a wheelchair while the British Union (jack) Flag was raised and a blind girl sung a bad version of the national anthem. The bad singing was purely intentional and along with the rusted out limousine was designed to promote discussion about how much or how little respect the British people have to the Monarchy.

Here the third act ended and British viewers went to an advert break in order to allow Prince Edward and Sir Craven to make their long journey to the Royal Box.

Edited at around 23:00 on 13/9/12 to add:

This first advert break was nothing remarkable and had clearly been scheduled to cover the walk to the Royal Box and allow for the stage to be reset. When we returned though we were treated to a military looking bald white man in a leather jacket standing on a hydraulic platform reading a speech that I didn't catch. I suppose he could have been the driver of the Bacchus or I suppose at a distance he could have been Chris Martin off of Coldplay. After all Coldplay did use their Twitter account to leak that Chris Martin would be entering the stadium aboard that hydraulic platform. However I think the wounded (below knee) Staffie was mostly meant to represent Ross Kemp who started out in BBC1 soap opera "Eastenders" before marrying Rebekah Brookes and making "Ultimate Force" ITV1's brilliant but sh*t drama about the Special Air Service (SAS) - sample dialouge "You want to send them to a psychiatrist?! They kill people for a living and some of them enjoy it!" After divorcing from Rebekah Kemp went on to make a series of documentaries for Sky which basically involved him being sent to some of the worlds most dangerous places to get shot at. Sample titles include; "Ross Kemp on Gangs" and "Ross Kemp in Afghanistan." Of course because Ultimate Force also starred EU/world renowned Brighton based gayer Heather Peace there are a few stories I could tell mainly about where she lives and how bad her mortgage must have been to make her agree to 31N62E - an Afghan war film so awful they could only afford two prop guns because they blew the whole budget on 15 minutes of helicopter time.

The wounded staffie's (not Screwbie) main purpose though was to introduce the Parade of National Flags because while it's best to get the athletes with mobility problems seated first every nation must be officially accredited and it helped buy time for IPC chief Sir Craven to climb all those stairs to the Royal Box.

Once the Parade of National Flags had ended without incident the wounded staffie was back on his platform to read another short speech to introduce my long parade of lovers. This began with men carrying what looked like flame throwers scorching the ground in front of them in what many people may have confused with the Blitzkrieg strategy deployed the Hitler's Nazi army as they advanced across Europe. However due to my German ex-Julia I know that "Blitzkreig" actually means "Lighting War" and due to Wikipedia I know that many armies have used the "Scorched Earth" policy of just destroying everything of value in sight from the ancient Greeks right up to Saddam Hussein's retreat from Kuwait. Hell I used to use it to describe my father's approach to mowing the lawn but now that he's accepted that if you're churning up mud it's time to stop cutting he's actually started doing the edges with a heat gun. The men of course weren't Nazi soldiers. They were just dancers/performers carrying the type of heat guns (basically a blow torch with a backpack) that British sign painters use to burn roadmarkings off of tarmac. This of course could have been a reference to the fact that the Olympic rings painted on London's roads to indicate the Olympic Games Lanes would now be removed. However I was just impressed I could recognise the type of heat gun because well when I was a traffic warden changes to road markings was considered highly relevent. Of course when I was a traffic warden I not only worked with a German who got so sick of being called a Nazi that one day he turned up in jackboots and spent the day bascially goose-stepping through the streets of Hove flinging Nazi salutes (bless him he kept that costume on for the whole shift) but I also worked with a heavily tattooed Canadian with a penchant for violent men in a sentence that Britain hopes will tear through Rihanna's psyche like nails on a chalk board.

Nope it's official I've run out of talent which is a shame because if I could have found a way to make it through the pornographically long advert for the West End musical "Warhorse" which included one float/big rig that looked like that famous Sabre/MiG that my grandfather took a photograph of my father in front of the right nose guns in order to convince Soviet customs he was just a tourist but was mainly just there to p*ss off foreign intelligence agencies looking for signals like Portugal's 1974 coup triggering Eurovision performance I could eventually get around to telling you how I once shared a girlfriend with ITV1's "This Morning" presenter Holly Willoughby. Sadly it's nowhere near as salacious as it sounds. As Holly Willoughby grew up near Brighton and because let's call her Alice Valentine (sadly I've forgotten her name) grew up near Brighton the Willoughby's knew the Valentines prompting an interesting debate about arranged marriage. Oh and of course a mate of mine looked up Holly Wiloughby's skirt once causing her to be pregnant for the next three years but that might be a something of a drunken story.


00:25 on 14/9/12.


Edited at around 00:30 on 12/9/12 to add:

Odin the Norse god of war and wtf. That's who I think the flaming scaffold face was based on. You know the guy the guy that turned up in the first act following the signing of the national anthem which you may have called the "Blitzkrieg Act." You would have been wrong though because the earth scorching was being done by some blokes using those flame guns road-workers use to burn paint off of tarmac. Sadly this of course sends me off in the direction of talking about a German who I used to work with as a traffic warden. One day sick of being called a Nazi he turned up for work in jackboots and just sort of goose-stepped around. The best bit was because it was Brighton everybody was too busy laughing to complain.

Oh course the piece of generic tribal art that's most talked about in my house is the Celtic knot-work between my shoulder blades. Obviously I only chose to have it done because of the reason you would choose any art - it looks good. However while I was carrying it around in my bag deciding whether or not to get it tattooed permenantly on my skin I accidentally showed it to my old college tutor - I think it was on top of a pile of papers or something. Of course because Wilfred Lang's other job was a research fellow at Oxford University in ancient British tribal culture or something as soon as he saw it he proceeded to tell me all about it in more detail then I could ever need. Apparently first appearing some 200 years before the birth of Christ the Ulbster Cross has no religious significance and essentially just a corporate logo like the Olympic rings or the para-Olympic Agitos. It simply says; "This is who we are and this is where we are." Of course the tribe that used this logo were the Pict's (Keira Knightley played one of them in the King Arthur film with full blue war paint). The Pict's were such fearsome warriors that they eventually wiped themselves out. So any Viking or Roman marauder who saw that sign around a village in the Scottish highlands decided it was best to give it a miss. As a result the villagers took it to mean Protection. Obviously as soon as I heard that I decided to get it done.

I don't know if you've ever had a tattoo but it basically involves sitting there very still while you pay someone to inflict pain on you. Seriously as this one crosses my spine the needle would occasionally hit a vertebrae and my fingers would suddenly contract like I had cerebral palsy. Apparently because my skin is so pasty and white it will break a Brazilian's gun every time so a large part of the tattoo had to be done by hand over roughly two three hour periods. During this time me and this Brazilian girl talked. I mean we talked about everything. We talked about her pregnancy. We talked about her boyfriend. We talked about HIV/Hepatitis infection control standards in Sao Paulo versus London. We talked about Soulfly. We talked about Shakira, Picts, Celts big rigs and obscure ska band from the 1960/70/80's. We also talked about dodgy Spanish hip-hop while the Hebrew got a Buddist chant. Wilfed Leng of course died of something mysterious while excavating the latest Mayan/Aztec ruins in deepest darkest South America but that might just be gin lane talk and frankly is all a bit too Indiana Jones for me.

Edited at around 19:35 on 15/9/12 to add:

Obviously large parts of the ceremony were interconnected so in order to explain it properly I really needed to go through it in chronological order and I will try and break the back of it tomorrow or at least get to the bit where Coldplay turn up. However with the Catherine Duchess of Cambridge topless photographs still being a major story and the Duchess' Olympic mirror Victoria Pendleton - who has a reputation for clashing with management over her choice of boyfriends - appearing in the news season of Strictly Come Dancing/Dancing With The Stars this bit is particularly relavent.

Rihanna appeared in act six aboard the Warhorse constructed scaffold sailing ship that first appeared in the opening video and the very long parade of floats/big rigs/weird vehicles. The ship carried Rihanna around the arena before depositing her on stage to sing "Princess of China" with Coldplay. While she was on the ship Rihanna was wearing a hooded red cloak over a red dress. This looked a lot like the dress that Kylie Minogue wore in the video for her British written 2001 worldwide smash hit "Can't Get You Out My Head." Apart from being a reference to the fact Rihanna is in serious danger of taking up permanent residence in my brain this is a reference to the fact that the song and Ms Minogue have been widely adopted as an icon amongst gay men who are a group at high risk of HIV/AIDS infection. The use of the ship and the red hood were a reference to world renowned and hardcore HIV/AIDS campaigner Annie Lennox's appearance in the Olympic opening ceremony in which HIV/AIDS was a major theme. Now while I suspect Rihanna has to undergo routine medical checks in order to get insurance to go on tour because she is black, grew up on a relatively poor Caribbean island and works in the notoriously bitchy and spiteful entertainment industry I'm sure that there is at least more than one rumour doing the rounds that Rihanna's got AIDS. This of course raises the question of whether the several million people on this planet who want to have sex with Rihanna would risk HIV/AIDS infection to do so? This of course raises the issue of the stigma dating back from the 1980's which still surrounds the virus much of which is misplaced because in developed countries people should be more worried about catching other Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI's) such as Hepatitis and in the US they've recently licensed a drug (Truvada) for use as a way to prevent HIV infection which is really just one step off a vaccine.

Apart from the many other things she does in the fight against HIV/AIDS Annie Lennox frequently plays on this stigma by appearing in public wearing t-shirts with slogans like; "HIV+" "Positive" or simply the "+" sign in order to make people think that she might be HIV+ and force them to question whether or not that makes them view her differently. As she's the sort of altruistic person who will not only turn up to play a benefit gig but will also sit through long and tedious business meetings about the costs and logistics of distributing a particular anti-HIV/AIDS drug to a particular African village Ms Lennox is also the sort of person who would be honestly and genuinely concerned about some of Rihanna's more erratic behaviour especially her violent relationship with Chris Brown. Therefore she represents all the people who would have supported the idea of bringing Rihanna to London for a long time to give her the opportunity to sort herself out. However as a lot of these people are the same people who backed the 2005 intervention into my life over my erratic behaviour once it was revealed that rather then giving Rihanna pause for thought about whether she really needs a relationship that violent in her life the true aim of her visit was to totally destroy her psychologically those people would have been forced to question their support for the plan along with the plan for me putting them under a great deal of stress.

Oh and a newspaper in the Republic of Ireland has run the Duchess of Cambridge pictures comparing her to Rihanna which is an Irish way of saying; "If she ever needs and EU passport they'll be happy to give her one."

20:30 on 15/9/12.










01:50 on 10/9/12.

Edited at around 01:05 on 10/9/12.

As that final frame faded to blackness the world held it's breath waiting to Act 1 to begin. It began with a British artistic type made up to look like and extra from the film "Mad Max" staring down the camera trying desperately to look like a Valkyrie despite his gender (Did you you not hear the German bombers?). Sadly all he'd been given to ride though was a push bike with a big diesel fan on the back - you know like those fan boats you get in the Florida Everglades. Dutifully he proceeded to join up with this fellow "Wind Gremlins" (as they were known) to turn their fans on giant representation of the para-Olympic Agitos symbol that was hanging for the ceiling. If you push your luck "Agitos" can of course be pronounced like "ATOS" that para-Olympic sponsor that is not well liked by Olympic competitors. Below the Agitos hanging appeared female dancer's made up to look like both nuns and the NHS nurses you may remember form the Olympic Open. Either way they were having a pillow fight with white feathers that really helped to emphasise the wind from the fan boats/"Wind Gremlins." The act peaked with the arrival of Marine Captain Luke on-board what looked like a medieval siege machine/catapult. Apparently the force of the Afghan IED that amputated both his legs above the knee was also strong enough to blow the Agitos hanging away.

With no time for me to tell you about my cousin Adam (small Irish lad) who twice washed out of Royal Marine Commando selection the giant advert for the west-end musical "Warhorse (seriously we couldn't have done it with out them) began. Accompanied by dancers who had passed their health and safety course in "Fire Poi" and a parade of flaming torch bearers who looked like they'd escaped from the Lewes Fireworks Display (every year around November 5th - if you're ever in Brighton you should go once. But only once because they do enjoy burning effigies of the pope)

Yeah gonna need a second to think about the next bit. 02:35 on 10/9/12.

Edited at around 02:45 on 10/9/12 to add:

OMG that went horribly wrong. Although they never really left us the big advert for the west end show "Warhorse" didn't really begin until act three. There main purpose here in act 1 was to show off the giant siege machine/catapult that they'd built as it grew into the main mast of a sailing ship for Captain Luke to climb up. For the same reason that ET's short this took him a while. But as he reached the top a clapped out car brought the royal representative Edward of Wessex (apparently he once got a woman - Sophie - pregnant!) and the IPC boss into the stadium to stand through a bad version of the British national anthem (God Save the Queen) sung by a blind girl. When that finally ended Channel 4 went to an advert break so to allow the VIP's to find their way to the Royal Box.

As the IPC boss is a bearded white northern working class male wheelchair user extra time was given to allow people to find their seats through a broken soldier (one leg lost) who could have looked like Chris Martin off of Coldplay or the German Bacchus owner but sadly only looked like Ross Kemp off of Rebekah Brookes giving a speech from some sort of elevated hydrolic platform (Cherry Picker) that someone had clearly rented from their local branch of B&Q. Then of course all the national flags were paraded into the stadium.

That was really the end of act one and I really need to go to bed. However the bit your all waiting for is;

Rihanna appeared in act six aboard a Warhorse constructed scaffold sailing ship dressed in a sort of red hooded outfit which was both reminiscent Annie Lennox in the Olympic close (HIV/AIDS reference) and Aussie gay icon Kylie Minogaue. She then performed "Princess of China" on stage with Coldplay (they really carried the show). She later appeared on a Love Swing/Trapeze to sing "We Found Love" wearing a bright red bra beneath a clearly less bright red top. However my favourite outfit was the black leather(ish) kilt she wore to emphasise the lack of a Kanye West as she and Jay Z performed a few bars of "Run This Town" while Coldplay stood sheepishly on the stage.

Then Coldplay closed the show and f*ck me I really need to go to bed or there'll be neither curry or crying in the morning. Seriously I'll leave it to the angles but I might need some TV first..

03:10 on 10/9/12.