The Ill-Concieved Tour Dates are Out.

You'll be glad to know that the dates for Rihanna's 777 tour have been announced. The schedule is as follows;

• 14/11/12 - Mexico City where the primary objective will be Rihanna's illegal drug use, marijuana legalisation and it's effects on the cartels.

• 15/11/12 - Toronto where the primary objective will be that heavily tattooed Canadian with a penchant for violent men who I introduced you to in the para-Olympic closing ceremony.

• 16/11/12 - Stockholm where the primary objective will be those big billboards they've got up around the city showing the police photographs of Rihanna after she got beaten up by Chris Brown.

• 17/11/12 - Paris where the primary objective will be how Rihanna uses Twitter to communicate with her fans with specific reference to that incident just before the para-Olympic closing ceremony where Rihanna fans caused a mini-riot at a Paris train station.

• 18/11/12 - Berlin where I'm yet to work out what the primary objective is but Chris Brown will be playing a lot of dates in Germany at around the same time on his Contra Mundum tour.

• 19/11/12 - London where the primary objective will be me. Due to US/UK intelligence sharing this is also the date of my re-scheduled Department of Work and Pensions (DWP) interview. So if I was driven by such a mad lust for Rihanna that I just had to try and meet her at any cost this would be quite a stressful day for me. Fortunately though things are looking quite small on the HONEY and big on the TRAP at the moment.

• 20/11/12 - New York which is almost home.

Of course this is called the 777 tour because this will be Rihanna, her crew and the press confined in a Boeing 777 for 7 days without hotels or stopovers. So if you believe that was dreamt up on a whim you'll believe just about anything. I have to say though I'm still very disappointed that there has yet to emerge any evidence that Brown's Probation Officer has finally realised that their role is to protect the victim from the abuser not enable the abuser to subject the victim to even more elaborate abuse. Hopefully though by this point the management have realised that since the "Run This Town" track came out it's all been about trying to kill the meal ticket.

21:40 on 12/11/12.