Celebrity Big Brother Returns.

Since picking up the rights from Channel 4 in 2011 Britain's Channel 5 has really struggled with this Endemol format. However the latest series of the "Celebrity Big Brother" spin-off which was launched last night shows they're learning from their mistakes. For example they have decided to return the show to it's usual January time-slot when everybody's broke, TV's terrible and it's too dark to go outside rather then trying to broadcast it during the middle of the summer. Also thanks to clear explanations as the housemates entered the house I didn't have to Google a single one of these 'celebrities.'

The major fault with this series though is that it is far too political. Rather then just living together in one house (technically a bungalow) contestants have been spilt into two groups. One lives upstairs in relative luxury while the second group are forced to live in a basement which is essentially decked out to resemble a warehouse squat with no running water etc. This is of course an idea that has been popular in reality TV and is a 'tribute' to the infamous Stanford Prison Experiment. Along with Mili-thingy's electric shock tests these were a series of US psychological experiments designed to heal the wounds of the holocaust by trying to determine if peer pressure can dehumanise people to such an extent that they will carry out all manner of brutality against strangers. They discovered that it most certainly can with the Stanford experiment having to be stopped after the test subjects given the 'prison guard' role almost killed the test subjects given the 'prisoner' role.

However  in case any viewers were too thick to pick up on the rich/poor divide being a  commentary about Austerity Britain under the ConDem coalition the walls of the basement had been daubed with graffiti reading; "We're all in this together" - the Prime Minister David Cameron's infamous slogan used to sell all the cuts. To really ram home the point one of the first contestants to enter the house was Paula Hamilton who was (allegedly) a supermodel. In the 1980's she famously appeared in the famous 'Divorce' advert for the VW Golf which was like porn for a generation of Yuppies. Now she's one of those glamorous grandmother's who are moaning about David Cameron taking away their winter fuel allowance after they'd "jolly well voted for him all their lives" and inflicted those "Keep Calm and Carry On Posters" on everyone while totally missing the irony. Then there were a pair who will forever been know to me as "cheap Colin Farrell' and "cheap Kelly Brook" who are apparently an actor and a porn star respectively (Ok I'll admit I recognised Lacey Banghard immediately because that is actually her real name). Their purpose in the show is to point out that some celebrities are so easily replaceable they actually have their own tax-code in the UK. Not that I'm looking in anyone's direction sweetheart. The show also features Claire Richards who used to be in a pop-band called "Steps" before the band broke up and she got really, really fat and Neil Ruddock who got really, really fat and then decided to retire from football. These two represent Britain's obesity epidemic and it's associated spiralling health care cost particularly in areas such as stroke and diabetes. The hope is that the fat, unemployed, illiterate, ugly, council housed scum who watch this show will take this pair to heart in such a big way that they'll keep voting for them over and over again leaving them without any money to buy food.

The biggest misfortune to afflict this series though was not really the producers fault. You see they had booked Jim Davidson who was a popular TV comedian in the 1980's before he revealed himself to be deeply racist, deeply homophobic and deeply misogynistic. In his last foray into reality television he launched into a vicious homophobic rant against fellow contestant Brian Dowling on "Hell's Kitchen." Brian Dowling is the host of Celebrity Big Brother. Unfortunately when Davidson arrived back in the UK from Dubai where he is effectively exiled police investigating the Jimmy Savile case promptly arrested him for sex offences. At this point Channel 5's lawyer's started to cry and cancelled his appearance. Personally I think they missed a trick because I'm pretty sure they could have got a kick-back from the prison service for making sure Davidson stuck to his bail conditions. Actually thinking about it maybe Channel 5 had already been paid-off to lure Davidson back in order for him to be arrested.

The big disappointment of the evening was that US actress Lindsey Lohan won't be appearing in this series. This was kind of obvious because it was a reference to the last series of Celebrity Big Brother. Here Channel 5's media team spent weeks putting out rumours about the big names (including Lindsey Lohan) who would be appearing. In the end they delivered a show that was so poor it was said that the contestants had to Google themselves before entering the house. As a result of this series of spiteful deception that series was thoroughly and rightfully slaughtered by all other sections of the British media. So I guess there is a teachable moment for the LA system in there somewhere.

Anyway I'm sure the one thing we can all agree on is that we would all pay good money to see Neil Ruddock punch Rylan Clark full in the face.

00:50 on 4/1/13.