Things Must Be Bad.

My local MP has written me a letter. More accurately his office have sent an automated response to me and everyone else who signed the informal petition against the behaviour of the henhouse.

Now I did not draw up this petition so I don't really know what "we the undersigned" demanded or who we demanded it from. However from the MP's letter I can deduce that a copy has been sent to Malcolm Wickes, the local (labour) Member of Parliament who in turn passed it on to the Chief Executive of Croydon Council to see what action can be taken. Given that the owners of the henhouse have declared assets in excess of £250million I don't think much action will be taken.

Writing to Malcolm Wickes will be particularly useless because he is no longer a member of the government and therefore has no say as to how much funding Croydon Council receive. Also he did appoint that Indian man to the lucrative role of head of climate change strategy at the Department of Energy and Climate Change. In future I recommend writing to Chris Huhne, the new energy minister who has clear permission to "re-structure" the department even if he is only a LibDem.

Inspite of all those insults this petition is far from useless. In my more formal petition to Croydon Magistrates Court it will mean that I am more then able to prove that the residents of number 50 have caused a nuisance to the other residents of Beechwood Avenue. We are just debating if they've caused a statutory nuisance, a private nuisance or a public nuisance. A public nuisance is of course a criminal offence that most certainly can be dealt with by the police. However we are currently carrying out a threat assessment on number 50 and after this post I would prefer it if it remained at low to non-existent.

The fact that the state and I have reached this point in discussions has forced the Brits to issue a statement preventing heart surgeons at a UK hospital from preforming any further operations. Of course this is not due to the Brits thinking that this sort of operation is morally wrong. They just think that the operators should grow some talent before they attempt further operations

In other legal news the British Courts ruled yesterday (29/7) that photocopies of the spouses financial affairs may no longer be entered as evidence in divorce proceedings. Apart from the obvious impact on divorce proceedings this is the Court of Protection finally accepting that they can't throw out my proceeding on the grounds that I haven't committed a criminal offence. The fact that it has taken this long for them to realise that means that I think teaching Croydon Magistrate Court about the Environmental Protection Act 1990 is going to be a long process. In the interests in preserving marriages across the land I think I should point out that I am slightly knowledgeable about the law and I'm entitled to bring in the heavy weapons for free.

In other news Ben has been evicted from the Big Brother house. This is doubly disappointing because he'd just started to get his Mandelson on. Secondly his eviction means that Andrew is still in the house. His continued presence is going to force Corin's persona away from the joy that is Corin and into the horror that is this woman I used to work with in my traffic warden days in Brighton. Not only was Heather Canadian her father was a Mountie who may have slightly murdered two innocent men on an undercover operation. The protests outside her childhood home did the children no good and made the Christmas day telephone conversation I had with her father where I answered with no words "No I'm not her husband" one of the most unpleasant conversations either of us have other had. Also in Big Brother, to no-one's surprise Sam has been inflicted on the house. Apart from being hugely annoying Sam is also Jewish. Not only that but he is the mirror for a particularly punchable member of a mysterious North London Jewish sect. As this means that Britain has now declared war on both the Jews and the Muslims while asking for more nuclear weapons I think I should probably leave this subject until something resembling sobriety has returned.

WikiSleeps

WikiLeaks is a website that allows whistleblowers in the government, military and corporate world to anonymously leak sensitive documents. On Monday July 26th the WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange announced that it had received some 95,000 US military action logs from the war in Afghanistan.

Obviously I haven't read all 95,000 documents so there may be some interesting details hid amongst the avalanche of data. Most of them though are painfully dull, reporting banal details of the war such as one report that simply states; A local has reported to a patrol that the Taliban are operating checkpoints in (GPS co-ordinate). This is consistent with IED activity. Advise other units to exercise caution.

This hasn't stopped the worlds media having a field day with the story. Much has already being made of the special Task Force 373 which has been set up to kill or capture high value Taliban and Al Qaida targets. Although learning this taksforce's designation in this type of document is interesting news of its existence is not. After all the main, specified reason for America invading Afghanistan was to kill or capture high value Taliban and Al Qaida targets.

Alot has also been made of the fact that US forces have been over-reporting the number of Taliban killed or wounded while under-reporting the number of Afghan civilians killed or wounded. While it's always nice to have actual proof over specific incidents this revelation is hardly that surprising. After all I don't think anyone's seriously believed a US military bodycount since the days of the Vietnam war

Another revelation from the logs which has been widely reported in the British media, especially during Cameron's tade visit to India is that Pakistan seem to be playing a so-called "double game" where they support both NATO and the Taliban. Although this may be news it's hardly new because it's long been known that Pakistan have been playing at least a triple game whilst having the fag-end of the Bush administration trying to mount a full on coup in the country for at least the last three years. Likewise the news that the Taliban have shoulder launched surface to air missiles is hardly surprising. After all it was the US who sold them the stinger missiles back in the 1980's.

That's not to say that the whole leak is a non-story. There is plenty of information that journalists working on Afghan war stories will find useful. I'm particularly interested in the psychological operations (psyops) report that explains how NATO forces are paying Afghan news agencies to run, often fictitious, news stories that portray Afghan national forces in a good light while portraying Taliban fighters in a bad light. However there is nothing in these reports that the Taliban don't know already or could easily find out from their own intelligence networks. So all the claims about this information undermining the war effort or threatening American national security are nonsense.

Elsewhere in that part of the world a new wave of protests have sprung up against Iran. The protests are calling for Iran not to execute a woman called Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani by stoning. The problem is that Iran's parliament is currently debating a law which will make stoning to death illegal, something I think is a good thing. Unfortunately all these protests are in serious danger of screwing it all up as Iran gets caught in the diplomatic backswing.

Also early reports suggest that the Ian Tomlinson demonstration attracted some 200 people which is a lot more then I expected considering the shortness of notice.

Big Brother: Oh I Can't Keep Up.

Since my last halfway sensible post on the subject there have been major changes in the UK Big Brother house. Nathan, Sunshine, Govan, Ife and Rachel have all been evicted by public vote and Shabby walked out. So three new housemates; Keeley, Andrew and (another) Rachel were put into the house. Then Caiomhe walked out and Keeley had to quit after breaking her ankle. So three new housemates; Jo, JJ and Laura were put in. Within four days Laura had walked out.

So the original housemates left are;

• Josie. 25, white, straight. Still carrying on her will they/won't they? relationship with John-James. This has actually now progressed to the point that it's more of a have they/haven't they? relationship. At one point someone dressed Josie up in a wedding dress and got her to chase a terrified John-James around the house for a day.

• John-James. 24, white, straight. The stress of the Josie situation along with something I'll explain more fully later in this post is making John-James' head spin. So far I think he's broken down in tears once and tried to walk out twice only to be talked out of it by the other housemates and production staff.

• Ben. 30, white, gay. Still very posh, still very gay. Ben is starting to be more relaxed about his homosexuality but has also reigned in his infatuation with Mario.

• Steve. 40, white, straight. Still the alpha male of the house. He had his position challenged by Keeley but she tried so hard she ended up breaking her ankle leaving Steve still very much in charge.

• Dave. 39, white, straight. He's had his haircut so no longer looks like my grandmother's cleaner. He's also backed off from his Christian preaching in favour of Christian behaviour meaning that he spends a lot of his time looking after the younger, more vulnerable housemates. It is worth noting that Dave really does snore very loudly. Therefore his earlier attempt to shield Steve from embarrassment could well have been motivated by guilt.

• Corin. 29, white, straight. Since the unpleasantness of the Shabby/Coaimhe relationship has been removed from the house Corin has really blossomed into the role of den mother. Along with Dave and to a lesser extent Mario she is probably the key person holding the house together amid all the comings and goings.

• Mario. 28, white, gay. Still an all round nice guy. There's not really much else to add.

The three new housemates who entered the house on July 9th 2010 are;

• Keeley. 31, white, straight. Keeley's career in sales/travel agent means that she is more skilled then average in human behaviour and psychology. She also reminds me of a social worker who I knew socially in my Brighton days. Apart from annoying me Keeley's presence in the house was to promote a discussion about economic restructuring in post-credit crunch Britain where the need for social care workers is rising while the ability to pay for foreign holidays is falling. This argument failed to materialise after Keeley broke her ankle and had to leave the house.

• Andrew. 19, white, straight. Andrew passed his maths A-level at 13, five years before most people so he is obviously very intelligent. He is though hopelessly socially inept and with no sexual experience whatsoever he is especially uncomfortable around female housemates. It's like watching a child being unleashed in an adult world and so far we have seen Andrew go into a fit of teenage curiosity over whether or not Josie and John-James are having sex and drink until he made himself sick under Dave's fatherly supervision. He also looks like a friend of mines younger brother although I didn't immediately make the connection because no-ones ever going to describe the younger brother as a maths genius.

• Rachel. 29, black straight. Rachel has a very strong physical resemblance to Miquita Oliver, a Channel 4 presenter and a weaker resemblance to British singer Corrine Bailey Rae. On her own Rachel's presence in the house is to put pressure on Corrine Bailey Rae because the Brits are very interested in her unusual personal life which saw her husband die of a heroin overdose last year. It is also to put pressure on Miquita Oliver, who I assume has been a naughty girl, and get the Americans to explain why US pop star Ke$ha's management insisted that Miquita Oliver was suspended for being a little bit rude to Ke$ha. Since Jo's arrival in the house Rachel appears to be reverting to childhood losing both the Miquita Oliver and Corrine Bailey Rae aspects of her image in the process.

The three new housemates who entered the house on July 23rd 2010 are;

• Jo. 41, black, straight. This self described "cougar" from Luton looks a bit like the Dr Alexx Woods character from CSI:Miami. Her main purpose in the house though is that she is a generic black, British single mother who gave birth in her mid-teens. Now that child has grown up and possibly had children of their own the mother is back on the market looking for new, younger boyfriends. Rachel is the generic black, British daughter of such a mother. Putting Jo and Rachel in the house together forces Rachel into the childhood role and provides a case study in parenting amongst this particular social sub-set. Mirrors of Jo are currently rising to senior positions in middle level establishment employers such local councils throughout the UK.

• Laura. 20, white, straight. This quiet, young girl couldn't take the pace in the house and left after four days. Today's Sun newspaper summed up her Big Brother career beautifully with the headline "Woman you've never heard of leaves house!"

• Joe-John (JJ). 23, white, straight. On his audition tape JJ looked a lot like a bouncer who featured in a Channel 4 social programming documentary on binge drinking. That bouncer was a mixed martial arts fighter and a proper bite your face off hardcase. JJ is not that man. Although he's done a bit of boxing he's mainly a lookalike for the ex-Eastenders actor and low rent gay icon Joe Swash. He could also be a lookalike for Olly Murs, an X-Factor contestant who is currently trying to launch a pop career. JJ's presence in the house is a way for the industry to feel out either Joe Swash or Olly Murs although Olly Murs is himself a lookalike for Joe Swash so yes this is the moment Britain's celebrity culture actually eats itself. Apart from having an incredibly similar name JJ also looks a lot like John-James. For more information on how Big Brother contestants are selected try to get hold of a copy of; "Derren Brown's The System."

Jo, Laura and JJ were picked from a pool of six by the other housemates after a discussion that was only allowed to last 30 odd seconds. The other three possible new housemates seemed more interesting but we only got to see their audition tapes which, as JJ demonstrates, can be mis-leading. However they are;

• Megan. 20, white, straight. From Liverpool Megan looks like a cross between Josie and Abby Clancy. A model and partner of England footballer Peter Crouch, Abby Clancy has turned her hand to TV presenting appearing in a couple of Channel 4 shows and most recently in ITV's "James Corden's World Cup Live." Megan's presence in the house would have allowed the industry to feel out Abby Clancy and confuse both the viewer and Josie.

• Joel. Age Unknown, black, straight. Joel looks a lot like a bouncer who worked on the Brixton circuit. His purpose in the house would be to increase pressure on Brixton in an attempt to improve the intelligence picture on this mysterious area of London.

• Sam. Age Unknown, white, straight. Appearing in fashionably unfashionable thick framed glasses, a hideous multi-coloured hooded top and a stupid baseball cap Sam is like thousands of hipsters who populate oh so trendy bars and nightclubs in places like Camden, Brixton and Brighton. Unkind people would report that he dresses like me and he certainly dresses like a lot of people who try and dress like me. His inclusion in the house would have really annoyed me and provoked discussion about elements of my persona while no doubt causing more then a bit of confusion.

If Sam, JJ and Joel had been the three selected to go into the house it would have caused a lot of tension in the Brixton area of London which earlier in the week had to suffer the indignity of a official visit by Prince Charles, HRH Prince of Wales. As it turned out John-James, under a lot of pressure, picked the three civilians. While the new management at Big Brother will no doubt be having a full inquiry into John-James' choice I don't think he knows why he did it. However having to explain why he chose a man that looks just like him and his other choices to the other housemates and himself is what's causing John-James so much stress in the house.

Tomorrow (30/7) one of either Andrew, Ben, Dave or John-James will be evicted by public vote. Laura's early exit one new housemate will enter the house. I don't think the management will be leaving anything to chance this time so I've got a nasty feeling the new housemate will be either Sam or Joel.

Ian Tomlinson.

For those of you who didn't know and those of you that have forgotten Ian Tomlinson was the man killed by the police at the G20 demonstration in London on April 1st 2009. On July 22nd 2010 the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) announced that there was not enough evidence to prosecute anyone over the killing.

What we do know about that day is that around 19:00 Mr Tomlinson was walking home from work along Cornhill street when the police mounted something known as a running clearance of the area. This led to Mr Tomlinson being bitten on the back of the leg by a police dog. Moments later a police officer, now identified as PC Simon Hardwood, stepped forward and struck Mr Tomlinson across the legs with his baton. Clearly this was just PC Hardwood getting warmed up because he soon stepped forward again and struck Mr Tomlinson a second time, this time with his hand to Mr Tomlinson's back, just below the ribcage. The force of this blow knocked Mr Tomlinson to the ground where he lay dazed for a few minutes. After getting back to his feet Mr Tomlinson walked a short distance to the Bishopsgate area where he collapsed and died.

Probably even before Ian Tomlinson had officially been pronounced dead the police began covering up the events surrounding his death. By 22:00 they announced that a man who had been passing through the area and had no contact with the police had collapsed and died of an unconnected heart attack. By this time photographs, video and eye witness statements had begun to emerge that showed Mr Tomlinson had been in the area for at least an hour and had most certainly been in contact with the police. This prompted the police to change their story and suddenly Mr Tomlinson became a passer-by who had suffered a heart attack after being attacked by violent protesters. When the heroic police rushed to his assistance the same protesters attacked the police with a barrage of missiles that stopped Mr Tomlinson receiving medical attention. Again it quickly emerged that Mr Tomlinson had not been attacked by protesters and in fact the first people to give him medical attention were the protesters own first-aiders. They quickly established contact with London Ambulance Service (LAS) and were working under the supervision of a paramedic to keep Mr Tomlinson alive when the police arrived at the scene. The police's first action was to attack the protest first-aiders with batons and riot shields before sending in a police first-aider. This police officer refused to maintain contact with LAS which delayed Mr Tomlinson receiving full scale medical assistance.

On the following day, April 2nd, the cover up picked up pace and made it's most sickening turns. First the police's Special Branch used their story of Mr Tomlinson being attacked by protesters to put a family liaison team in with the family. Not only did this allow the police to gather lots of information about the family it also allowed them to effectively quarantine the family from the press and protest lawyers in the crucial first few days of the investigation. The liaison team were also able to exploit the families grief to make them take part in publicity stunts that supported the police's version of events. This included the sick little photo-opportunity on April 3rd when Mr Tomlinson's widow was paraded in front of the cameras tearing down a makeshift memorial that protesters had erected outside the Corn Exchange.

Secondly the police drafted in a specially selected pathologist, Dr Freddie Patel, to carry out the first autopsy on April 2nd. Normally autopsies on people who died in suspicious circumstances in Greater London are carried out by pathologists who are members of the Forensic Pathology Service. Dr Freddie was accredited by that service but seem to specialise in deaths where the police of medical services appear to be liable. In 1999 he carried out the autopsy on Roger Slyvester who died in police custody. Ignoring the fact that Mr Slyvester had been quite brutally restrained by several police officers during his arrest Dr Patel concluded that he had died of pre-existing coronary artery disease which caused cardiac arrest. Shortly afterwards Dr Patel was reprimanded by the General Medical Council (GMC) for giving false and mis-leading information about Mr Slyvester's death. In 2006 Dr Patel carried out the autopsy on Sandra Allen who apparently choked to death while being held in the custody of a psychiatric hospital. Again Dr Patel disregarded all the evidence and concluded that Mrs Allen had died of pre-existing cardiac artery disease which caused cardiac arrest.

With a track record like that it is no great surprise that Dr Freddie Patel ruled that Ian Tomlinson had also died of pre-existing coronary artery disease which caused cardiac arrest.

Once they'd managed to free themselves of the clutches of the police liaison team the Tomlinson family requested a second autopsy. On this occasion the pathologist disagreed with Dr Patel's findings and ruled that Mr Tomlinson had died from internal bleeding caused by blunt force trauma to the abdomen, just below the ribcage. With an investigation already under way this prompted PC Simon Hardwood to request a third autopsy. This third pathologist also disagreed with Dr Patel's findings and also ruled that Mr Tomlinson had died from internal bleeding caused by blunt force trauma to the abdomen, just below the ribcage.

Inspite of all the police and the state's repeated efforts to hide the truth it was obvious to all that Ian Tomlinson was unlawfully struck by PC Hardwood and did not die of natural causes. That meant that the case had to be handed over to the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) to decide if PC Hardwood could be prosecuted for any of the following offences;

• Manslaughter. This is causing death by a deliberate, unlawful act but without the intent to kill.

• Actual Bodily Harm (ABH). This is deliberately and unlawfully causing actual, physical harm to someone's body.

• Common Assault. This much less serious offence is making physical contact with another person without lawful excuse of necessarily causing any injury.

In this case the ABH offence is more or less redundant. If it can be proved that PC Hardwood caused actual harm to Mr Tomlinson's body then it is also proved that he has committed manslaughter.

On July 22nd 2010 the CPS announced that it wouldn't be attempting to prosecute PC Hardwood for any of these offences. The CPS decided not to pursue the manslaughter or ABH offences because a conflict in the medical opinions over the cause of death meant the CPS felt that there was no realistic chance of prosecution. The conflict of medical opinion in question was Dr Patel's opinion versus the opinions of the other two pathologists who preformed autopsies and the opinion of any other pathologist who has read the case file. Given that Dr Freddie Patel is not accredited by the Forensic Pathology Service and is currently facing some 25 charges of unprofessional conduct at the GMC it is highly unlikely that his opinion will carry any weight at all in a criminal court. The CPS decided not to pursue that common assault charge because there is an informal, six month statute of limitations on this very minor offence. It took the CPS sixteen months to reach a prosecution decision.

This is far from the end of the matter though. The CPS can revisit their prosecution decision at any time. This is especially true if further evidence comes to light. For example if Dr Freddie Patel was struck of the medical register or is himself prosecuted for attempting to pervert the course of justice by destroying evidence in an ongoing investigation. The Tomlinson family are also able to mount a private prosecution of Simon Hardwood for Manslaughter. Given that in this case the chances of a criminal prosecution are generally considered to be very high the chances of a civil conviction where the burden of proof is much lower is almost an absolute certainty.

This is part of the reason why the CPS were ordered to announce their decision on July 22nd. Not only did it come right in the middle of the AIDS 2010 conference it came on the fifth anniversary of Jean Charles De Menezes being shot by the police at Stockwell Underground station. During the four years of inquest, prosecutions, investigation and public inquiry into this incident the De Menezes were repeatedly humiliated and exploited by the state. Therefore the choice of date was an attempt to intimidate the Tomlinson family into not taking the matter further. A clear sign if the ever was one that the state knows it doesn't stand a chance if the Tomlinson family take the matter further.

That said mounting a private prosecution for manslaughter against a serving police officer will be an expensive, time consuming and painful experience. At every turn the state will attempt to intimidate, abuse and humiliate the Tomlinson while trying to exploit the case for all sorts of political purposes. However if the Tomlinson family think they can cope then I'm sure the family can certainly cope.




Incidentally there will be a protest over the case outside the Department of Public Prosecutions, Southwark Bridge, SE1 9HS on Friday July 30th at 12:00.

Thank F**k That's Over.

Now the AIDS 2010 conference has finished I can tell you this story.

On Monday July 19th my grandmother fell in the bathroom and smashed her head against the sink. The resulted in minor cuts to the forehead and significant bruising to the orbital bone known as the eye socket. Although more of a terrifying vision of the future rather then a major problem this really knocked her confidence and had a negative impact on her mental health.

My father celebrated this. He saw it as vindication of his behaviour and an excuse the speed up the rest of his plans.

I didn't celebrate it. I saw it as a perfectly predictable effect of long term buprenorphine use.

Buprenorphine is one of the heroin substitutes that the Austrian authorities have made special dispensation for delegates at the AIDS 2010 conference to carry with them. The other is methadone.

Mortaility Has Been Averted

For this Friday afternoon at least. We are now into Friday night so we will be up very late hoping that tomorrow morning appears without incident.

I feel the need to prove my lack of death and the present hour (23:28) by pointing out that tonight no-one was evicted from Big Brother due to a high attrition rate namely Caiomhe (quit) and Keely (broken ankle). Instead three new housemates have been put in. In light of my drunken state these three civilians have been named;

• The white boxer with the good abdominal muscles.

• Rachel's mum, 41, black, Liverpool.

• Silly white, student bint. Blonde about 19.
  

Nick Griffin Banned From Buckingham Palace

At around mid-day today the leader of the fascist British National Party suddenly had his invitation to a Royal Garden Party revoked banning him from Buckingham Palace.

I think it's fair to say then that Crown did not receive the response it wanted to the G20 killing cover up. So in a panic they just made a wild grab for the next available scandal.

Try Not to Be Shocked.

Remember that man who was killed by a police officer at the G20 London protests?

Well today, 16 months later, the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) have announced their decision whether to prosecute the police officer or not. They've decided not to prosecute.

There were three possible offences that the officer could have been charged with;

1.Manslaughter. Causing death by action but without the intent to kill.

2. Actual Bodily Harm. Causing actual physical harm to someones body through action and intent.

3. Common Assault. Making physical contact that doesn't cause harm but has no lawful excuse.

The CPS felt they were unable to pursue offences 1 and 2 due a difference in medical opinion making it difficult to prove a causal link. The difference of opinion is Dr Freddie Patel's initial autopsy findings against the findings of the subsequent two autopsies and the opinion of every other pathologist in the world. The fact that Dr Patel suspended pending a hearing into his competence means that the defence would struggle to have his autopsy report entered into evidence.

The CPS felt unable to pursue the thrid offence because Common Assault has a six month statute of limitations on it. The fact that it has taken the CPS 16 months to reach a decision means that the offence has timed out.

You would probably expect this to make angry. Unfortuantly the cover up is so blatant I think the Brits are only announcing it today in a deliberate attempt to make themselves look bad.

They Say the Old Songs Are the Best.

Today I've mainly been listening to Pennywise's Land of the Free album.

There's no symbolism in this. It's just a way of pointing out that no matter what you may have heard I'm not dead. It's was either this or opening the big book of puns and trust me no-one wants to see that.

I Am Drunk

Considering that I have spent my usual Tuesday night pub visit trying to watch the Cameron V Obama press conference without sound whilst accompanied by the surprise visitor known as my younger brother I am actually surprisingly sober.

I am however lubricated enough to attempt to share with you the fact that yesterday I received a special hand delivery for Charlie at CAYSH. This included an incident report from Friday July 9th which should be displayed below;



If it's not then don't worry because it is as short as it is factually inaccurate and horribly mis-spelled. The only worthwhile detail is that since it has emerged their security patrol does not posses a valid Security Industry Association (SIA) license CAYSH have re-named their security patrol a "Concierge Service." Charlie also included a covering letter which revealed that CAYSH tagline has been changed to the rather worrying "Passionate About Young People"and tried to explain that the N130 form is not valid for the situation and included a copy of the HMCS's EX332 information print out. Sadly all this proves is that any idiot can download legal information from the Internet. It is a good job then in cases such as this judges are instructed to reach a "common sense" verdict.

In other news the nominations for Britain's Mercury Music Prize have been announced. The nominees include Corrine Ballie Rae and I've just noticed that the Big Brother contestant called Rachel and previously known as "looks a bit like Miquita Oliver" is also a bit of a fat lookalike for Corrine Ballie Rae. Her name of course can be easily confused with "Rochelle" from the UK girl group "the Saturdays" Most importantly though at around this time last year Corrine Ballie Rae's husband died of a heroin overdose. Therefore her nomination at the Mercury's is purely there to give the British state the opportunity to poke her with sharpened sticks.

Edited to add @23:30: Of course when I used to be a traffic warden down in Brighton my shoulder number was BH332

This Would Be Easier

If I didn't have to lay out the details of my case on the internet for the other side to read in advance. However using information that is already in the public domain what has happened today is that I've asked a Magistrate/Justice of the Peace to rule if number 50 constitutes a Statutory Nuisance as defined by the Environmental Protection Act. The relevant text is;

"79 Statutory nuisances and inspections therefor

(1) Subject to subsections (2) to (6) below, the following matters constitute “statutory nuisances” for the purposes of this Part, that is to say—

(a) any premises in such a state as to be prejudicial to health or a nuisance;

(b) smoke emitted from premises so as to be prejudicial to health or a nuisance;

(c) fumes or gases emitted from premises so as to be prejudicial to health or a nuisance;

(d) any dust, steam, smell or other effluvia arising on industrial, trade or business premises and being prejudicial to health or a nuisance;

(e) any accumulation or deposit which is prejudicial to health or a nuisance;

(f) any animal kept in such a place or manner as to be prejudicial to health or a nuisance;

(g) noise emitted from premises so as to be prejudicial to health or a nuisance;

(h) any other matter declared by any enactment to be a statutory nuisance;"

Where subsections 2 and 6 relate to occupying armed forces and aircraft noise.

Have been given some clue that this was one of the legal options I may use CAYSH today sent in workmen to make sure that the property was up to the standards of ground A.This is the only part of the legislation that landlords and managing agents are even vaguely aware of. Unfortunately I was applying under grounds G and H. Ground H relates to anything that has been declared as a nuisance by any law on the British statute books.

That gives the Clerk of the Court* a hell of a lot of reading to catch up on. I suggest they start with the Criminal Justice Act 1994 because if I use that I'll get millions of extra points for style.

*The Clerk of the Court is a law graduate but not nessecerily a qualified lawyer. Their job is to advise the un-legally trained Magistrate on matters of law.

One Quick Detail.

Today the democracy village protest camp has been evicted from Parliament square. CAYSH have also sent in workmen to number 50. That might give people the impression that they to had been evicted. They haven't.

The workmen were there to carry out maintenance work on the property. That indicates that CAYSH have really not understood the legal situation at all. Therefore I can only advise that they contact the Notting Hill Housing association (their mothership) in order to seek out better legal advice. After all they are in quite a precarious legal position now.

I think that qualifies as a friendly warning doesn't it?

Back From Court

Croydon Magistrates Court that is. I'm a bit too pressed for time to explain this properly however;

I have decided that the behaviour from number 50 Beechwood Avenue not only constitutes a nuisance it constitutes a statutory nuisance as defined part 3, section 79(1) grounds g&h of the Environmental Protection Act 1990. The incidents cited are the March party incident, June's fire incident and July's trespass incident.

If the attitude of the Courts admin staff is anything to go by the Court will first try to be difficult. Once they've had their little tantrum though they will serve an abatement notice on the property owners and managing agent. This will force them to take immediate action to rectify the situation, normally within nine days. As this is a civil offence the Court is obligated to impose a fine on the property owners and make an order for it to pay all affected people compensation. If the property owners fail to abide by the abatement order the Court then should impose daily fines of up to £200 per day until the situation the situation is resolved. Given the nature of the offence I have recommend that the abatement notice includes provision for the property to be left vacant until such a time as the owners can guarantee that such an offence is not repeated. I have though stopped short seeking a full demolition order.

Smackhead Olympics.

Or as it's more formally known the AIDS 2010 Conference which is being held in Vienna, Austria until July 23rd 2010. http://www.aids2010.org

Mainly organised by multi-national drugs companies and bottom bothering Jews time is not infinite enough for me to list everything that is wrong with this conference. However the fact it has special, segregated facilities to keep the HIV+ delegates away from the "normal people" kind of makes me wish I had full blown AIDS just so I would soon be removed from a world where stupidity like this is allowed to persist.

Unfortunately this conference is largely funded by Britain's Department For International Development (DFID). As such it is closely related to the World Cup and Cheryl Cole's Malaria scare meaning it is something that I have to comment on. In doing this I have to be very careful. Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) most certainly can cause Acquired Immuno-Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS). AIDS is almost 100% fatal so the correct medical advice is not to catch it.

That said most of what passes for common knowledge about HIV/AIDS in the developed world is in fact wrong. It dates back to the panic of the early 1980's when thousands of people suddenly started dropping dead and no-one had any idea why. In the thirty years since then it has been discovered that HIV is much less infectious then other Sexually Transmitted Infection's (STI's) like Herpes and Gonorrhea. It is also much less damaging to health then STI's like Syphilis or Hepatitis. While there are some people who are fully immune to HIV most people have some level of natural immunity to the virus. As such it can remain almost dormant in an infected person for literally decades. When it does eventually start causing problems disease progression can be slowed almost to a complete halt through a combination of drug therapies and a good diet that can include vitamin pills. Although I don't have the exact figures to hand this means that a significant proportion (30-40%) of HIV+ people will not contract AIDS and will die of a completely unrelated natural cause. So in developed countries like the UK HIV is no longer considered a fatal disease. Instead it is classed as a manageable health problem like Diabetes or Asthma.

In developing countries that don't have access to drug therapies and have problems with malnutrition the situation is completely different. In these countries HIV leads to AIDS in almost 100% of cases and AIDS is almost always fatal. Quite apart from the tragedy of millions of people being killed needlessly this has a devastating effect on society within those countries. With everyone dying in the 30's and 40's not only are the extended childcare networks of cousins and grandparents being wiped out the parents themselves are being killed meaning that there is no-one left to raise the next generation. Also with a career that would last 30 years in a developed country only lasting 15 years in a developing country these countries don't have enough people to do essential work like farming. This shortening of peoples careers also means that the brightest and the best in these societies are unable to study and become experts in areas required to develop the science and technology sectors of their economies. Or as Thebo Mbeki more succinctly put it; "HIV doesn't cause AIDS. Poverty causes AIDS" and AIDS makes poverty much, much worse.


In the run up to the 2010 conference Britain was trying to promote the idea that HIV is much less deadly then people think in order to get African leaders to switch their focus onto other health issues like Malaria. Although a significant part of this strategy is that the AIDS pandemic has not killed nearly as many darkies as Britain had hoped and they're looking for ways to speed it up the strategy is mainly to pave the way for changes Britain's International Development Budget. Although the new British Government has announced that it will not be cutting its International Aid Budget the way it will refocus its spending will translate into real term cuts. It has already been announced that DFID's budget will be used to fund a 40% increase in spending in Afghanistan where Britain is currently preforming the most expensive surrender in military history. Elsewhere Britain will be concentrating it's spending on more espionage themed development project that get British NGO's asking foreign governments questions like; where do you get your water from, what sort of power stations are you using and how many troops can your army stand in a time of emergency? The will also continue to fund groups that support gay women's rights to stir up ethnic tension in countries with large natural resource reserves. Obviously this doesn't leave much money to spend on legitimate development projects.

As for the 2010 conference as a whole it will concentrate on forging links between Europe and Central Asian nations in order to combat HIV transmission through injecting drug use. In order to get from Europe to Central Asia you need to bulldoze through a part of the world known as the Middle East. So the subtext for the entire conference is targeting Afghan opium routes.

On the plus side though this conference does emphasise why I entitled to charge such high fees. After all my time is clearly far to precious to be wasted on jumped up local councils. After all the sessions on hepatitis control and vertical transmission should be very interesting. That last topic actually still makes me so angry that I find it easier to function by not carrying the details of it around in my head everyday.

I'm Naturally Late and the Roaul Moat Inquest Has Begun.

The first question in front of the county coroner is the police's un-Home Office-authorised use of a shotgun style taser. The second question is more complicated and shown live on the BBC. It asks if the panicked BBC producer was right to force that woman with the butterfly necklace on to live TV even if though it meant that woman's mother rapidly had a deployment (6 man stick?) of armed police placed outside her house.

On a related note the BBC's planned interviews with one of the Yorkshire Ripper victims today has raised the tension in both Linda's and my grandmother's house. Ife has been evicted from the Big Brother house apparently

Elsewhere Cheryl Cole does not have Malaria. This is a very long story dreamt up in a panic by the Brits after one of their usual spokesmen failed. The point they were trying to make is that HIV does not cause AIDS. Poverty causes AID's. After all in a developed country like the UK HIV is merely a chronic illness like Diabetes. As this is exactly the point the Brits used to have South African President Thebo Mbeki sacked from his job I don't think the Brits were trying to bring this up during the World Cup for any good reason.

As for Cheryl Cole I think she was trying to help fight Malaria in Africa. She has also had stressful World Cup where she's had to put up with lots of unpleasant jokes about her pubic hair. For example;

Q. What's the difference between Ashley Cole and Raoul Moat?

A. Roaul Moat's spent the last week buried in a Geordie Bush.

After all if there is one man who deserves to be buried where he fell it is Raoul Moat.

Wheelchair's Arrived.

My grandmother's wheelchair finally arrived this afternoon at aprox 14:30. This was shortly after my grandmother and father returned from an appointment at the Queens road memory service team which co-incided with the Queens road open day where a few of the other attendees put the metaphorical thumbscrews on my father.

Also over the past couple of days the realisation is slowly dawning my father that he has signed my grandmother up to the only pay TV service that doesn't offer the channels she wants. Tonight we will be discussing the matter, at great lenghth no doubt, to reach a resolution to this situatuion.

Busy, Busy Morning

I've just been on the telephone to Croydon Magistrates Court. After explaining to them how Magistrates act in civil proceedings I was put on hold. After what I imagine was some frantic whispering they came back and decided that indeed Magistrates do act in civil proceedings.

Obviously as this is little outside the normal business of the court there isn't a form available so I will have to make a written submission to the court. As it's just 3hrs until the court closes for the weekend they were keen for me to lay out the details of submission before warning there will definitely be a £200. I guarantee you now that there won't be but I will be charging the landlord my usual £2,500 per natural hour fee for acting against them.

The clock those costs will probably begin around lunchtime on Tuesday July 20th.

Notting Hill Housing Association

Really their board of directors is so fascinating I'm tempted to a do Big Brother style character assassination on every single member. However for the time being the important names to remember are;

• Kate Davies. She was head of housing at Brighton and Hove Council at the time I lived there. As such she had huge influence over the District Judge who played his "I'm not going to bother read the evidence before making my judgement" stunt.

• Paul Hodkingson. The Chairman of the board is the company's link to the construction industry. He has sat on the board of a number of construction firms including the aptly named "Simons Group" who specialise in government contracts for building things like schools and hospitals.

• John Brewster. He is the Crowns man in the company. He lives his life sitting on the boards of various companies that profit exclusively from taxpayers. These include Bromley health authority and Pathway Housing Association which was swallowed up by Notting Hill when Brewster was the CEO. He also sits on the Corporation of London Common Council and attends lots and lots of policy seminars where he has contact with councillors and policy makers from across the UK. He is also the Governor of at least one Croydon school and attends Croydon Parish CoE Church. He is also probably a Freemason.

The National Audit Office's 2007 and report into the company is also very interesting. It criticises the the company for not protecting the health and safety of it's tenants and staff and not meeting the needs of their vunerable tenants. It also describes their staff as having problems keeping promises and points out a need for improvement in the way the company deals with incidents of anti-social behaviour.

Oh and before the BP shareholders get too excited about the news to Horzion leak seemingly being capped they do understand that their liability only ends when the pollutant has been fully removed.


Edited to add @12:06: Another director of the Notting Hill housing association is Gill Golding. One of the other companies she is a director of provides mental health services to Broadmoor secure psychiatric hospital which is home to Peter Sutcliffe. So todays decision from the High Court in the Yorkshire Ripper case garuntess her company about extra £100,000 per year of tax payers money.

Man I Love the Internet.

Remember how that you from CAYSH refused to tell me the name of the security firm they're using because it's a secret. Well I've found out who owns the property and employs CAYSH.

It is very large Housing Association called the Notting Hill Housing group. One of their directors is a man called Ravi Gurumurthy who is also the Director of Strategy at the Department for Energy and Climate Change. Until very recently the Minister in charge of the Department of Energy and Climate was a one Malcolm Wickes, MP for Croydon North - otherwise known as the local MP who received complaints about the property.

I've Got a Headache.

My grandmother's got a replacement remote control for her Virgin TV service giving her access to some 200 channels. I've got the job of teaching her how to use it.

Going back to this henhouse business there are of course a variety of ways that I can compel the landlord to take action at a variety of different costs to them. So far the only thing we've discovered is that staff at Croydon Courts are ill-educated, rude and go home a 16:00. So I've already been promised a full written apology for their conduct this afternoon and I will be holding them to that promise.

I'll be speaking to them again tomorrow but already I've got this nasty feeling I'm going to have to bill court for teaching a Justice of the Peace (JP) how to do their job. If you're interested a JP is a Magistrate acting in a civil proceeding. They have no legal qualification whatsoever and tend to only be appointed because they play golf with local landlords.

Childish I Know.

Today I've filled out that N130, application for an interim possession order and sent it to CAYSH. Obviously this is pretty much meaningless because it hasn't been sent to the Court and I can't file for possession for a property I don't own.

However it does mean that I can now say with 100% certainty that Charlie from CAYSH has all the necessary, completed paperwork to gain possession of 50 Beechwood Avenue in 24 hours. All he needs to do is sign it.

Follow Up From CAYSH

This afternoon Charlie from CAYSH called me back as promised. Overnight they'd decided that they couldn't possibly give me any information about action they claim to be taking so I was treated to another 15 minutes of lying and stonewalling. One of his more ridiculous claims was that as a landlord it would be illegal for them to attempt to claim possession of their property.

He did though offer me the chance of a meeting to discuss the details of what has been going on at the property. I explained that there was nothing to discuss and accepted the offer just a soon as CAYSH have a deliberate plan of action to bring to the meeting. I don't think he'll be getting back to me any time soon.

In between that I did some homework and found the forms CAYSH should be using take possession of the property. It is the N130 form that needs to be submitted to Croydon County Court along with the appropriate fee. 24 hours later the tenants are evicted. As I feeling particularly childish I'm going to complete the form on their behalf and send it give it them to sign and file.

Also today we've had new garage doors fitted which turned my house into a building site so along with the cat I've spent most of the day hiding.

Oh Dear God.

Today my 89 year old grandmother has had a pay-TV service installed for the first time. As she is just coming to terms with BBC Radio introducing this thing known as "the Home Service" the fact that she has already lost the f**king remote control is in no way traumatic(!)

Anyway I think I should now name check Virgin Media cable service because not only are their prices totally reasonable their staff are organised, professional and highly knowledgeable with in their area. Given the difficult working environment that is known as my home I think the guy who installed my grandmother's cable should get an honourable mention.

Of course the arrival of the TV van brought all the neighbourhood out for a chat and well I don't think we're going to have a problem meeting the "nuisance or annoyance" legal test. I am though tempted to bring out the heavy artillery just for shits and giggles. Would the Yanks first prefer me to lose to a District Judge or a local Magistrate. After all this only costs me about a grand a time.

In related news I think I certainly did telegraph my plans to sort out this henhouse business today on Tuesday the 14th. This gave the Brits plenty of time to organise the shooting of three Ghurka's in Afghanistan. After all killing them is damn sight cheaper then allowing them to settle in the UK.

No Major Problems.

It's Tuesday, I've been home from the pub for about 40 minutes and there are no major problems. Really I think I only need to keep up this level of reporting during major tournaments/summits.

Of course there have been events occurring around my household today but I was hoping to find out what they were before trying to tell you all what they were.

Oh Dear oh Dear oh Dear.

Since my conversation with CAYSH I did a little brushing up on housing law. Turns out I was totally correct.

The maximum protection available to the tenants at #50 is through something called a 6 month Assured Shorthold Tenancy. From the conversation's I've had I gather this is the type of tenancy being used. If it's not then eviction only gets easier. Under the terms of this type of tenancy the landlord can seek possession on the grounds that;

"The tenant, other resident or visitor has caused a nuisance or annoyance to neighbours or other people visiting the area."

These grounds are considered so severe that it invalidates the 6 month fixed term of the tenancy so possession can be sought at any time. Also it means that possession can be granted instantly with no requirement for a notice period. The Judge can simply summon the residents to Court, make them surrender their keys and order them not to re-enter the area under threat of arrest and criminal prosecution. This is what CAYSH will be doing and if the forms are too complicated for them I'll fill them in myself and may even waive my usual fee.

I have also identified some other legal options which I'm sure the Brits would like advanced warning of. So shall we just say I suggest that they take the path of least resistance on this one.

Spoken the CAYSH Again.

And as you would expect it's just lies, lies, lies.

In summary the guy, Charlie was trying to push on me the idea that they've served a section 21 of the 1996 Housing Act notice on the residents. This notice takes two months to come into force and does not automatically result in eviction. The general hope there was that I would be so overwhelmed at his in depth knowledge of housing law that I would leave him alone. Instead I pointed out the fact that he could simply file for an eviction and have it granted with 28 days. Under pressure he confessed that they don't want to do this because it will cost them money for court hearings and possibly a officer of the court (bailiff). Instead they're hoping to intimidate the residents into leaving of their own accord.

Although the court and bailiff route will cost them about £900 this is not the entire reason they are trying to avoid it. The main reason is that if they go down that route it poses the question of whether or not CAYSH have met their legal obligations towards their clients. Obviously they haven't so if the residents are prepared to stand firm they could well find themselves being rewarded for being evicted.

We also discussed the professional conduct of lack thereof of the security firm that is being paid to protect the property. Although Charlie promise to give me a full written report into their conduct by Monday July 19th he flatly refused to give me the name of the company his organisation is paying to trespass on my property.

Anyway he has promised to call me back tomorrow to tell me the date that the section 21 notice was served and the date it will expire. By that point he will also have realised that second date is the date they will be seeking an emergency court hearing to grant an emergency possession order on the property giving the residents 24-hours notice to vacate. As they've already had 56 days notice that's not too harsh even if it will be very expensive for CAYSH.

Well Done Spain.

It's true, last night you won the World Cup.

What's more they risked losing the final by switching from their usual style of play to a more attacking style. Sadly the Dutch did everything they could to spoil it by kicking everything and anything except for the ball. So why it wasn't a pretty game at least it wasn't a boring game. A boring final would have been a terrible shame because apart from the Group C silliness in the early stages the 2010 World Cup was the most entertaining World Cup since probably France '98. The drama of the Uruguay V Ghana in particular will stick in the memory for years to come. It then would have been a absolute travesty if the worlds over-riding memory of South Africa's first World Cup was a dull 0-0 draw that had to settled by penalties.

In getting to the final though Spain robbed the continent of Africa of the spectacle of a Germany V the Netherlands final. Both Germany and the Netherlands are religiously and politically significant nations. Germany is more or less the birthplace of the Protestant Christian faith. Protestantism began there as a legitimate theological separation from the corrupt Catholic Church which had become far more about collecting money from the faithful then anything to do with the teachings of God or Christ. Like Britain the Dutch Monarchy soon leapt on the idea and used it as an excuse to collect even more money from their subjects both as the Monarch and as head of the national Church. Some 500 years and many wars later Germany is modern secular Republic with many practising Protestants in it's population. The Netherlands on the other hand is still ruled by Monarch in accordance with the religious law of it's quasi-Protestant national Church. So inspite of the tolerant image of Amsterdam the Dutch like to project to the world the Netherlands has a large and nasty rightwing core running through it.

The convergence between religion and politics is a very important issue in Africa at the moment. All across the continent Pentecostal Christianity is on the rise especially amongst the poor. Although Protestant very few of these Churches are aligned with the main Protestant Communions like the Church of England etc. In countries such as Uganda* and Malawi* these Churches do a lot of good work but create certain social and economic development problems. For example their opposition to the use of birth control creates population pressures and helps HIV to spread. Also like some American TV evangelists some of these preachers and Churches are more concerned with making money off the faithful then anything else. In countries like Nigeria this explosion of Christianity is creating much more serious social problems with Christian militias and Muslim militias carrying out periodic tit for tat massacres. If this trend spreads and if these Churches become aligned with more mainstream European Protestant Communions it will the results will be catastrophic. Africa will once again become a giant chess board on which western Christians and eastern Muslims fight endless wars by proxy. This will destroy all the good development work that's been done over the last thirty years and make the bad old days of the Cold War look like childsplay.

With this in mind and Muslims not really playing football I thought that it would have been a beautiful legacy of Africa's first World Cup for the final to be a spectacle that helped Africa's Christians choose between religious Churches that help to bring out the best in men and political Churches that help to bring out the worst.

Instead what we got was Germany and Uruguay once again re-enacting the second world war in the third place play-off. A boost to nationalism in a European country that has economic problems and a history of Fascism. Intensified sectarian rioting in Belfast and three bombings in Uganda that have killed at least 74.

As for the Uganda bombing Britain's MI6 were definitely calling the shots although they may have done it by getting their Ugandan allies to provoke the Al Shabab militants. The specific objective of blaming this group of Somali Islamists is to draw attention to Somaliland. Now part of northern Somalia, Somaliland used to be a British protectorate. By Somali standards it is relatively peaceful and Britain is using this fact to call for Somaliland break away from Somalia and become an independent nation under the guises of a peace process. In reality Britain are hoping that the historical links mean that an independent Somaliland will act as a British puppet state boosting Britain's influence in the continent with all the oil, gold and diamonds.

More broadly Britain wanted to use the attack to increase fears about Islamic militants across the region. This will help turn these new Churches into Christian militias who will fight the Muslims. I don't think this actually has much to do Islam. Instead it seems a wider strategy to destabilise these African nations in order to keep them poor and therefore easier to exploit.


After a long and headache inducing tournament I was hoping to have a couple of days peace and quiet before looking at some of the other issues the Brits tried and failed to impose on the World Cup to ruin it further. Unfortunately this won't happen because the Americans are still chasing the low value product at the expense of the high value product. This is as tedious as it is time consuming.


Anyway the Spanish don't need to worry about any of that because they've just won the World Cup!!










*Yeah the gay rights for gays mob are familiar with those countries I believe.

It's July 12th.

July 12th or "the glorious 12th" is the most contentious day of the year in Northern Ireland. It is the day where Protestants celebrate the Dutch King, William of Orange's victory against Irish Catholics. They do this by marching through Catholic areas and setting fire to things like Irish flags and effigies of the Pope. Every year this results in some level of violence such as rioting and shootings.

Last night was no exception with rioting in various areas of Belfast that ended with 27 police officers requiring hospital treatment include several who had been shot. Although you can't really blame the football the thuggish performance of the Dutch Orangemen in last night's World Cup did not help to calm things down.

Also there has been a bomb blast in Uganda that killed 64 people as they watched the World Cup final. Ugandan authorities are blaming the attack on Islamic militants. This incident actually touches on a matter I was going to write about any way today. That will obviously will have to be re-written and should appear later tonight. In the meantime though the Ugandan version of events is of course nonsense. They attack was actually carried out either by Britain's MI6 or the Ugandan government itself.

Sorry Did I Not Mention the Cocaine ?

Anyway since the screaming horror that is known as now and the time where I eventually fall asleep I've been watching Big Brother.

On Friday (9/7) three new housemates entered the house. The first thing I've noticed is that they brought news from the outside world. This is mainly comprised of every bad thing I've ever said about this current bunch of housemates. This has specifically hit Ife hard an Caomhie a lot harder. For John-James it has brought special winter news from his friends and family down in Australia. This has hardened his cock towards Josie and his face towards Peter Andre. Josie has also been awarded with a baseball cap that makes her look like Jo form the band S-Club-7. As Jo was a co-conspirator from the series of Celebrity Big Brother that saw Jade Goody horribly racially abuse Shilpa Shetty this is an obvious attempt to reach out to big gay Indians.

As for the new housemates apart from dividing the house they have sought permission from ex-soldier Steve and gone to bed. As such I can only describe the new black girl as; "That scouse bitch that looks like Miqueta Oliver." However the other two are more formally known as;

• Andrew. 19, white, straight. This ginger child passed his advanced level maths exam at the age of 11. Since then he's had a vague history before turning up at Oxford university to do his undergraduate work at the age of 19. Like Raoul Moat he is ginger. Taken alongside Steve's mohawk (just like Roaul Moat) this gives the deliberate impression that the producers put them into the show in a major panic about the Tyneside shootings.

• Keely. 2ish, white, straight. Trashy blonde northern woman who reminds me of a number of people including my teenage sister, a TV starlet and social worker who I met in a totally unprofessional manner. However the most important thing you need to remember about her is that she is like a lot of women in northern midlands area of the UK and works as a travel agent. Now the Queen has decreed that all of her subjects must now take their holidays within the UK the Brits are really going to have to retrain this bitch for something in the health and social care sector.

Something, something funny but in the stress Mario is turning into Dave. Tonight we've learnt that Dave is a small, ugly Welshman but he's a man with a small and Welsh cock.

At the end of this post I think that extra points hould go out to Blogspot for insisting that mohawk is spelt with a capital M.

There Was Extra Time.

And by extra time I mean cocaine. However Spain have won the World Cup 1-0 aet.

Tonight the Brits had planned for me to have a fight that would have prevented me watching the match. Obviously that fight did not happen but in the process of me avoiding that fight I ended up drinking a shit lot of alcohol and provoking a row with number 49 Beechwood Avenue. Number 49 is currently occupied by a two parent black family with a tenancy held by the white guy at number 48. The other white guy from number 52 is now back from the Silverstone Grand Prix.

Anyway back to the football. Spain came out determined not to play their usual game. They were helped a lot by a Dutch side who seemed intent on proving that indeed the Orangemen are indeed a bunch of cunts. The English referee, Howard Webb, gave them all the help they needed by not sending all of them off leaving all 11 men on the pitch for the second half. In the second half the Spanish also came out kicking but still the referee could not grow a pair and send anyone off meaning the game went into extra time.

In extra time some stuff happened including the Netherlands Hietinja finally being sent off in the 110th minute and Ineista scoring the winner in the 116th minute. Of course the Dutch complained that this goal was the result of a foul that occurred ages ago far down the other end of the pitch but they' didn't argue too much because if you watched the TV replays then really 7 Dutch players should have been sent off in the first half meaning that Spain should have won 2-0 due to a Dutch forfeit.

Some where amongst all this nonsense I learned that my brother has not returned his forms to the Court of Protection within the time limit. Highly technically this gives the court gorunds to throw the matter out but for tonight, tomorrow and many years to come I'll count that as a win.

The British Grand Prix's Ended.

And as usual nothing really happened. This is no great surprise because Silverstone is a rubbish circuit and should have been removed from the F1 calender years ago.

All the action was over in the first three corners after the pole sitter Vettel quickly lost first place to his RedBull team mate Webber. He then made contact with the front wing of Hamilton's McLaren which gave him a puncture which forced him off the track and in to last place. There will no doubt be a conspiracy theory surrounding whether or not Hamiliton's front wing end plate had been especially sharpened to help give the McLaren team a good result at their home race. It was just a racing incident though. Once out in front Webber was much faster then everyone else so his victory was never in doubt.

The only other thing is Ferrari's Alonso had his race ruined after the race stewards gave him a drive through penalty following a very technical breach of the rules. This forced him into last place and proves that I'm not the only one who thinks he can be a bit of an asshole.

Anyway the provisional result pending stewards enquiries, television replays and some bitching and moaning is;

1. Mark Webber, RedBull, Australia.
2. Lewis Hamilton, McLaren, GB.
3. Nico Rosberg, Mercedes, Germany.
4. Jenson Button, McLaren, GB.
5. Rubens Barrichello, Williams, Brazil
6.Kamui Kobayashi, Sauber, Japan.
7. Sebastian Vettel, RedBull, Germany.
8. Adrian Suttil, Force India, Germany.
9. Micheal Schumacher, Mercedes, Germany.
10. Nico Hulkenberg, Williams, Germany.

Incidentally has anyone else noticed that Kobayashi has been having really good season.

Germany Win Bronze.

Tonight Germany have been playing Uruguay in the World Cup's third place playoff. As this is basically just a game to see wins the title of second loser very few people really watch it and I was one of them.

That was a shame because with a lot of the pressure taken off the teams it was actually quite a good game with Germany winning 3-2. Muller opened the scoring for Germany in the 18th minute by charging in on the rebound after Uruguay's keeper failed to catch Schweinsteiger's long range shot. Cavani levelled things for Uruguay on the 28th minute with a well placed shot finishing off a well timed run into the penalty area.

In the 51st minute Forlan put Uruguay ahead with a great shot. Arevalo crossed it into the box and Forlan volleyed it. After striking the ground it bounced back up and past a flat footed goalkeeper. 5 minutes later Germany equalised through Jansen and then on the 82nd minute Khedira put them 3-2 ahead.

With the last kick of the game Forlan got a free kick on the centre edge of the German penalty area. He blasted it over the wall and past the goalkeeper only hit the cross bar denying Uruguay an equaliser and Forlan the chance to go top of the tournament goal scorers table.

Tiny But Important Detail.

Under UK housing law a landlord does not need to provide a reason to evict a tenant or tenants. It is simply a case of a vendor deciding that they no longer which to provide a commercial service to a customer.

So to reiterate on Monday morning CAYSH will be filing paper work with Croydon County Court seeking a interim possession order for Number 50 Beechwood Avenue. That IPO will be granted and the property will be vacated within 28 days.

Follow Up From Last Night.

Minutes after I placed my call to CAYSH the non-tenancy holding occupants of the henhouse started to remove themselves from the property. It was exactly as if there was direct contact between the property managers and the trouble makers. This meant that by the time the security guard/mini-cab driver arrived at 02:00 the problem was solved giving the seriously amateurish security operation no justification to take further action. So I went to bed while leaving him parked outside on observation.

Obviously I will need the full details for when I discuss the matter further with CAYSH. I'm provisionally scheduling this for Tuesday (13/6). That will give CAYSH a day to begin eviction proceedings with the County Court so the words that need to come out of their mouths is the date of the eviction hearing.

Overnight the Tyneside shooter, Roaul Moat was pronounced dead 02:20 after committing suicide by shooting himself. Apart from the spin they're trying to put on the story this outcome is a complete kick in the teeth for the Brits. After all it's impossible to interview a dead man to find out what made him tick.

Anyway this weekend it's the World Cup final and the British Grand Prix which one of my neighbours is actually attending.

Drama at the Henhouse.

Basically Wednesday's burglary had the desired effect. One of the girls have called in their boyfriend for "security." This lad who has been running scared of the property for a couple of months is also the houses party connection so has brought a lot of hangers on with him.

After I logged off my computer and turned a few lights out these hangers on decided that I must have gone to bed so started creeping around mine and my grandmother's property in the dark.

At 01:36 I contacted CAYSH who manage the property who promised they will be sending their security team over in 10mins. That means that have until 02:05 to evict all non lease holding occupants from the building and few weeks to evict all lease holding occupants from the address.

US/Russia Spy Thing.

As you can imagine this deal which has been cooked up by at least two spy agencies is quite complicated. Part of it though is a rather crude attempt by the USA to apologise to South Africa. You see during the cold war the USA supported South Africa's apartheid regime. This was not done out of any particular love for apartheid it's just they needed a geo-political stop line against Communism I'm tempted to let them off after all the only people who want to live under a Communism are the people that have never had to live under Communism.

In other news Nathan has just evicted from the Big Brother house with I believe 90% of the votes cast. Three new housemates have been put into the house but at the moment just seem to be jumping up and down while shrieking. However one appears to be an annoying little nerd and some sort of Maths graduate I believe. The black woman from Liverpool has an air of Miquita Oliver about her. Although I've probably spelt her name wrong Miquita Oliver is a contracted Channel 4 presenter who was suspended after apparently being rude to the US pop star Ke$ha. I'm not familiar with the details but I suspect that Ke$ha management are perceived to have been rather heavy handed about it.

Drama on Tyneside

In the past hour there have apparently been exciting developments in the hunt for the Tyneside Shooter, Roaul Moat. The only thing we know for sure is that two police cars have crashed into each other in the town of Rothbury. The police have also issued statement to the effect that they have an armed man who fits Moat's description cornered and are trying to negotiate a peaceful solution. If this is true then I suspect that the whole saga will this evening come to a peaceful solution. This is partly because Moat is obviously a bit of a lightweight but mainly it's because the Brits coping strategy for the whole situation is starting to get a bit embarrassing.

In the early part of the week the area was flooded with police officers all dressed in black, carrying assault rifles and wearing Kevlar, coal-scuttle type. This made it look as if the North East of England had been invaded by Nazis from the North Sea. Then today with the whole US/Russia spy swap the RAF scrambled a Tornado fighter jet to help with the search giving the impression that no in fact it was the Russians who had invaded.

It's also worth pointing out that the Big Brother live eviction show goes on air in about 30mins. This week in Big Brother a giant, radio controlled robot called Titan has entered the house and is doing battle with the housemates individually. If the housemates lose to the robot they are turned into robots and prevented from taking part in the final battle against the machines. So basically yes they've just ripped off the main theme to the Terminator franchise. Apart from the usual eviction tonight three new housemates will enter the house to make up for the evictees, escapees and overwhelming boredom.

It's Been a Prickly Day Today.

In London it is around 30C which is apparently the hottest day of the year so far. Due to some spectacularly bad planning on my part I used today to go back to the gym but only did a half-session.

My grandmother used the opportunity to pull up some weeds. Unfortunately one particular weed ran underneath a stack of bricks so when she pulled it the stack of bricks tumbled down onto her foot. She then walked off to find some attention and found my father first. This led to some shouting. By around 14:30 I'd had enough of the shouting so made my father go off and do something and forced my grandmother to walk back to her house so I could put her foot in cold water. That last bit sounds a little bit cruel but a physiotherapist should be proud not least because it stopped the shouting

My father's currently off getting his haircut so the shouting is still stopped but may resume on his return. I wouldn't worry about it too much because after that is their indoor voices.

Crime News.

On Wednesday (7/6) the "henhouse" got burgled. Obviously we're not exactly on speaking terms so I don't really know what happened. The only thing I do know is that it had nothing to do with me. Beyond that it could just be a burglary, they do happen after all. It could be something to do an ongoing feud between the residents. It could also be the local Council's burglary division doing it to make the residents think that I had something to do with it in order to stir trouble which has been pretty non-existent recently.

Gym Update.

Because although it is the dullest subject in history it is apparently hugely important.

I normally go to the gym about three times a week and recently I've been really well disciplined about this. This week though I've stopped. Basically that's just because I've built up a lot of fatigue and tightness in my muscles so it's best to stop until everything eases up. It's not an injury and I could have carried on but there seemed little point. After all it would do nothing for my fitness and probably just make me more susceptible to injury. I hope that solves the mystery.

Also the search for Raoul Moat, the Tyneside shooter is still going. It's worth point out that Tyneside police's firearms units don't actually have that much to do. So this incident is the most fun they've had in ages.

Man Spain Are Annoying.

They've just beaten Germany 1-0 to go through to their first ever World Cup final.

As a neutral though I have to say the match was boring as hell. Once again Spain came out and played a game full of tight passing, step overs, nutmegs and other party tricks. This was beautiful to watch but went absolutely nowhere so nothing really happened in the first half.

In the second half Spain pressed the Germans harder playing much of the game in the German half but scoring a goal still seemed to be the last thing on their minds. In the 73rd Puyol scored a pretty average goal. Spain won a corner and Xavi lofted it into the box. Puyol ran late into the box and powered the ball into the net with typical defender's header. Puyol should rightly be proud of the goal but considering that Spain spent the entire game trying to build up a complicated and spectacular goal the fact this was the only goal of the game was disappointing.

The referee had an absolute nightmare of a game. I believe he only got 1 off-side decision right and was allowing bruising fouls to pass unchallenged while awarding free kicks for nothing. He was though largely even handed in his incompetence but the Germans suffered the most because of a single incident. In stoppage time at the end of the first half Ozil got possession right on the edge of the Spanish penalty area and was clear on goal until Ramos clattered into him. Germany should have been awarded a penalty or a free kick if the contact took place just outside the area. The referee did nothing.

Spain now go on to meet the Netherlands in the final. Although this guarantees a new winner of the World Cup I'm seriously tempted to boycott the match. After all I know what's going to happen. Spain will play their usual possession, passing game and the Dutch won't make any real effort to press them so Spain will win 1 or possibly 2-0 while I again feel as if 90 minutes of my life have been stolen from me.

The Stock Market's Going to Wobble.

Tonight Spain take on Germany in the World Cup semi-final. If the fact the winner gets a place in the World Cup final wasn't important enough this match could be quite significant in European politics.

The Spanish economy did badly during the global recession while the German one did relatively well. This means that the Spanish are being forced to implement large spending cuts and are hoping the Germans will be on hand to loan them money to prevent their economy from collapsing much like Germany did for Greece earlier in the year.

So if Germany win tonight's football match people may see it as a sign that Germany has won the argument and won't be providing emergency loans to Spain. This is going to undermine confidence in the Spanish economy and re-ignite worries that a European banking crisis will trigger a second worldwide recession. Conversely if Spain win then some people may see it as a sign that Spain has won the argument and Germany will be making lots of emergency funding available. This will undermine confidence in the strength of the German economy and raise fears that the entire Eurozone is going to be dragged down to the level of the Spanish and Greek economies. Either way there's going to be headaches.

I can't but thinking that wouldn't it be nice if the result of tonight's game was a reflection of nothing more then which side was the better football team over the 90 minutes.

Ah Poor Jimmy Corden.

You may remember this fat lad from shows such as Gavin & Stacey. Since then he's been parading himself and his ego around pretty much everything in town. So much so that he's been awarded a very cheap live program about the World Cup following every live World Cup match shown on ITV1. As the show drags on long after England have been knocked out he's been getting a little moody. After all he's got a couple of adverts, a newspaper column and record resting on an England success.

He should worry too much. After all he's not done as badly as one of the better pubs in my local area. They had a very expensive makeover featuring a new beer garden, HD TV's and on street drinking for the smokers lined up for the World Cup. They had their grand re-opening on Monday June 28th, the day after England were knocked out.

Elsewhere my grandmother is preparing for tomorrows visit to the House of Lords by watching Tom Jones's 70th birthday album launch on BBC1. The important meeting with Black Rod's office is scheduled to take place at around 14:30BST but quite frankly I think I'm going to need a few moments to wash my damn ears out.

The Dutch Are Through to the Final

But I've been on the Scrumpy so I've little idea what happened.

However it would appear that about two minutes after my previous post Forlan equalised for Uruguay in the 41st minute.

In the second half the Dutch were trying their absolute hardest not to get through to the final and lord it over their former colony. They were just far to good for the feral Uruguayans though and Scneijder scored a goal I haven't seen in the 70th minute which was followed up by a Robben goal in the 73rd minute. Two minutes into the three announced minutes of stoppage time Pereira got one back for Uruguay making for a tense final minute but Uruguay weren't up to the challenge so the Netherlands won 3-2.

Home. It's All Good.

Not being tracking the football but the Netherlands are 1-0 up with a stonking goal from Van Bronkhurst.

Football Returns

It's coming back this evening when Uruguay take on the Netherlands in the World Cup Semi-final.

The joy of cup competitions is that regardless of form any team can beat any other team in a single match, they just need the luck over 90 minutes. Realistically though the Netherlands will go into tonight's match as definite favourites because the depth of talent in their team is so strong it should carry them through even if they don't bother play that well. To make matters worse for the Uruguayans South Africa used to be a Dutch colony and even today Afrikaans, the main language, is very similar to Dutch. So while it won't exactly be a home game for the Netherlands they should be better acclimatised to the environment.

Obviously as the match is being played on a Tuesday evening I will probably miss the first half but still have to file a brief halftime report.

Big Bother in Big Brother.

For me watching the show is still the televisual equivalent of getting kicked in the face. However this weekend saw the annual gay pride festival in London so there was a corresponding increase in melodrama in the London based Big Brother house.

Since my last proper post on the subject Rachel, Govan and Sunshine have all left the house. Also some of the more controversial housemates have had their persona's either changed or severely toned down in order to not offend me and other specific viewers. So here is my updated guide to the 2010 Big Brother housemates;

• Steve. 40, white, straight. This legless ex-solider doesn't actually snore that loudly. His "snoring" is a code for the fact he has a personal care nurse who comes into the house to help with his disability. This involves things like helping him in and out of bed, treating his amputation stumps and providing bed pans all of which makes the other housemates very uncomfortable. I swear I worked this out early on but disregarded it after convincing myself that I must have been very, very drunk when I noticed.

• David. 39, white, straight. This tubby Welshman has dropped most of his quasi-religious nonsense and has changed the style and colour of his hair. As a result he no longer looks like me but has morphed into a double for my grandmother's cleaner/nurse. Considering the massive differences in both race and gender this is quite an achievement but is annoying me and annoying her.

• Nathan. 25, white, straight. This joiner from Manchester looks nothing like Wigan Mike from the EDL. He does though look a bit like another member of the EDL whose name I will remember once he learns how to spell it. This however is not at all important because Nathan is there to represent a broad sociological group as a whole rather then the EDL or any specific member. Nathan is also starting to look like a character called Mickey Maguire from the Channel 4 comedy drama called "Shameless" which is set in Manchester. The main joke about that character is that he is constantly and often unsuccessfully trying to hide his homosexuality from his mobster family often with hilarious consequences. The character has also appeared in some of the most explicit gay sex scenes shown on British television making him something of a pin-up amongst gay men. Nathan is choosing to play up to that image partly to make himself popular with the viewers/voters but mainly to antagonise Ben.

• Ben. 30, white, gay. Despite clearly been told all his life to hide his homosexuality due to the endemic homophobia of the British upper classes Ben is fast emerging as the gayest gay man in the entire history of gaydom. He now has major crushes on both Mario and Nathan. These are being displayed in an amazingly repressed way.

• Corin. 29, white, straight. Having been stripped of the Katie Price and gypsy elements of her persona and with the bisexual element of her persona being openly questioned by the actions of the other housemates the crazy element of Corin's personality is really being pushed to the fore. That's because it's really the only element left and trust me there's a lot of crazy there. I'm sure quite a few people would like me to expand on that.

• Ife. 25, black, straight. Having lost her double, Govan and been separated from the social circle she began the show with Ife is fast emerging as the shrewdest housemate. She has managed to disappear into the background only popping up, sniper like, when trying to make herself look good, another housemate look bad or to make the show more dramatic. Sometimes she even manages to do all three at once.

• Shabby. 24, white, lesbian. After changing her style of dress and hairstyle to avoid looking like Faruiza Balk Shabby has become a mirror for hundreds of generic lesbians. This includes several that I have specifically known and annoyed but that's not important because she's representing the sociological subset rather then any specific individual. Shabby has fallen madly and deeply in lust with the painfully straight Caoimhe.

• Caoimhe. 23, white, straight. A definite effort has been made to make Caoimhe look less like BBC Radio 1's Annie Mac but with little success because the physical resemblance is so strong. With the new image she now looks quite a bit like a younger version of one of my aunts. I think I've explained the whole kicking in the head thing.

Mario, Josie and Jon-James were never particularly controversial housemates to begin with so have hardly changed. The only development there is that Josie has decided that she will be making Jon-James her boyfriend no matter what. Jon-James is interested in Josie but is nowhere near as keen on the whole idea. He's also revealed a rather nasty streak to his personality which is creating a sometimes spiteful "will they, won't they and if they do will Jon-James survive?" drama.

The big drama in the house though stems from Shabby's unrequited lust for Caoimhe. Back when they were a gang of three friends at the start of the show Shabby confessed this secret to Ife. Ife then went and clumsily told this secret to Caoimhe and also managed to let everybody else in the house in on the secret. This broke the gang up with Ife going off on her own while Shabby and Caoimhe were pushed closer together and into some serious lesbian flirting that makes everyone else, especially the men, in the house really uncomfortable. Although I sure that deep down there is some basic need for human friendship going on Caoimhe is blatantly just stringing Shabby along toying with Shabby's emotions while calculating that a lesbian storyline will make her more popular with the viewers/voters. Over the weekend Ife again clumsily and publicly called Caoimhe out on this. Apart from spreading drama by making everyone else in the house uncomfortable this forced Caoimhe and Shabby into a long, deep and soul searching conversation. That conversation will strike an emotional cord with both lesbian viewers and straight female viewers who pretend to be bisexual in order to get attention. It struck a particular cord with Corin because it made her focus on the questionable lesbian relationship that she was in before entering the Big Brother house. To make matters worse the only other woman and therefore person in the house Corin can try and make sense of the situation with is Josie. Corin has clearly has problems with eating disorders like anorexia in the past. Conversely Josie is slightly over-weight and clearly finds comfort in food by over-eating. So rather then finding comfort in each other's company Josie and Corin ask a lot of questions about each other and the viewer.

The most worrying development in the house though is the relationship between Dave and Steve. Dave is actually being a really nice guy by helping Steve deal with the problems his disability present. Sometimes he goes so far as to act as a substitute nurse but mainly he is acting as a barrier to shield Steve from the embarrassment that his bed pans etc cause him and the other housemates. The problem is that now Dave resembles my grandmother's cleaner/nurse that relationship is starting to look like a fishing expedition to find out what level of care my grandmother needs/receives for this Court of Protection business. This doesn't really matter much because they can ask the question as much as they like it's still never going to be relevant to the matter in front of the Court.

Most depressingly though the relationship seems to be an attempt to soften up the public for the cuts to Disability Living Allowance that was announced in June's emergency budget and a reduction in care provided to Afghan veterans that will inevitably be announced in the autumns strategic defence review. It is doing this by establishing the narrative that Steve doesn't really need all this care so he should stop asking for it because it's upsetting the others. That narrative is of course nonsense but that's typical of the Brits. They notice there's chance of a disabled ex-solider winning a £100,000 prize and trying and screw it up by making him look like the bad guy.


Edited to add @22:46. Nathan has a bit of an alpha male problem with Steve. After all it is hard for a skinny joiner to play the tough guy when he's stood next to a solider. So instead Nathan is playing the old working class hero routine while having constant little digs at Steve. This helps drive along the Steve is a scrounger narrative especially amongst viewers on team Nathan. This means that the core group that the Brits are working on to view wounded soldiers as scroungers is the exact same group they've spent two years working on to support British troops and the war in Afghanistan. That sort of hypocrisy makes me think this support the troops nonsense has nothing to do with a concern for the troops welfare and a lot to do with teaching people to hate Muslims.

Tyneside Shootings

Over the weekend one hell of a crime story has been developing in the Tyneside region of the UK.

The alleged shooter, Raul Moat, was sent to prison for assault. During his time his in jail he lost his job, he lost his business and his girlfriend broke up with him and started dating another man. After being released from prison on Thursday July 1st he's been out for revenge shooting his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend on Saturday before fleeing from the police. Since then he's gone properly outlaw shooting and seriously wounding a police officer as the local police mount a county wide manhunt for him. I think if he does a few more they'll be making a movie about him.

This is just one of those things that happen occasionally but since the Brits worked out the ex-girlfriend is called "Samantha" they've started trying to impose all sorts of meanings on the story. That's mainly to cover up the fact they don't have a clue what's going on.

That Was Painful

Spain have finally managed to beat Paraguay 1-0.

The game started off with Spain playing their usual trick of passing the ball around amongst themselves in order to stop the opposition getting enough possession to pose a threat and tire themselves out in the process. Paraguay were having none of it and kept pushing the Spanish. This meant that both teams effectively cancelled each other out and not much happened in the first half. Around the 40th minute Paraguay got the ball in the net but rightly had it disallowed for off-side. The player who put the ball in the net wasn't off-side but the other Paraguay striker was and was interfering with play.

The second half started much the same as the first half ended. Then Spain replaced the under preforming Torres with Fabergas and the change had and almost instant effect. Paraguay got a penalty in the 57th minute after Pique blatantly pulled down Cardozo in the area. Cardozo stepped up to take the penalty and blasted it low and slightly to the left of the keeper who easily smothered the ball.

Then two minutes later Spain got a penalty of their own when Villa was barged over by Alcaraz. Alonso steps up and powers the ball past the keeper. However the Guatemalan referee, perhaps keen not to be accused of favouring Spain, rightly orders the penalty is re-taken due to encroachment into the penalty area. That is the rule of the game but the decision is controversial because the referee didn't make Paraguay re-take their missed penalty despite a similar level of encroachment. Alonso misses the re-take leaving the score still at 0-0 after 59mins.

On 82 minutes Spain finally got their goal but still managed to make a meal of it. Iniesta went past two defenders on his run into the box before laying the ball off to Pedrito who blasts it against the post. Villa rushes in on the rebound and strikes it against the other post. The ball rolls along the goal line before hitting the first post again and making it's way into the back of the net. 1-0 to Spain.

Spain now go onto play Germany in the semi-final. Politically this game could be a little bit interesting because Spain is one of a group of European economies known as the PIIGS* who are having serious problems. Having already bailed out the Greek economy Germany are facing pressure to do something similar for Spain.



*Portugal, Italy, Ireland, Greece, Spain.