Accidental Hanukkah!

To me Christmas represents a logistical nightmare. To the extent that even the reasons for this are too convoluted to go into here.

However you may have noticed that I've not yet done a joyful post detailing all the gifts I've received and given. The reason for this is that up until now I've not received any. All I've got is a pile of presents waiting to be sent out to the people they're for.

In fact the whole thing seems to be developing into the Jewish tradition of Hanukkah which this year coincides with Christmas. There rather than get lots of gifts on one day you end up getting lots of gifts spread out over eight days.

However my brother has finally been up to visit his dear old father and his poor old brother. So I can now break the seal on the gift that seems to have been causing so much suspicion and suspense.

In December 2015 we of course had the COP22 Summit in Paris, France that was supposed to result in a comprehensive global agreement to not only combat but defeat Climate Change. Between Obama's decision to scrap five years of preparatory work and all the terrorism this started in October and stretched all the way through into February.

As a result I was forced to cancel Christmas. It was all I could do to get some food in to cook on the day. Immediately after lunch I went to bed. And stayed there for about three days.

So I hit on a cunning plan: Celebrate Russian Orthodox Christmas instead.

That would've meant the celebrations in January would've had a slight Russian theme to them. Which would've fitted in with the BBC's big  production of "War & Peace." The fact my brother and his girlfriend got me the first two seasons of; "The Americans" really sealed the deal.

Unfortunately we didn't manage to get it together for Chinese New Year let alone Russian Christmas. However having got an idea in my head I wasn't going to let it go.

So this year I decided to get my brother some nice Russian vodka - with Ginseng - and the nicest caviar Croydon could muster.

It was with his girlfriend though that my well honed sense of mayhem really kicked in. She is of course a Muslim albeit not a particularly observant one.

What I would have liked to have done is get her a nice, not quite silk scarf decorated in something of a Russian style. Due to the brutality of their winters they tend to be very into the imagery of spring such a wild flowers, ears of corn and migratory birds.

The joke being that this could double as a hijab. Or a Russian Orthodox headscarf if she ever decided to fully convert.

This too turned out to be massively complicated because retailers tend not to put out their spring stock until after the Christmas sales. So while I thought it was a funny joke it probably wasn't funny enough to instruct a screen printer.

Obviously  I can't tell you what I did get her because she was working meaning we're still waiting for my brother to pass it over on my behalf. I can assure you though that it was nowhere near as imaginative as the scarf idea.

I do know though that in retaliation they got me the first four seasons of "House of Cards" on DVD. So you'll probably hear from me next sometime around June.

They also gave me the Penguin published "GCHQ Puzzle Book." Judging by that and Channel 4's upcoming; "Spies" reality-show style documentary there must be a recruiting drive on.

A sample question;

"42° 15'N, 72° 15'W, 53° 52'N, 44° 50'E, 37° 49'N, 85° 29'W, 39° 37'N, 75° 56'W, 49° 57'N 40° 17E, 51° 54'N, 02° 04'W."

Although the final results aren't yet in it seems my sister has once again won Christmas.

She gave me a Now TV box which is a Video Over Internet device similar to Apple TV. The main attraction though is that rather than having to buy a subscription you can use it on a pay-per-view basis. So if there's a particular football match I want to watch I can pay to watch just that match.

Obviously due to the chaos I can cause with just YouTube I have been hesitant to use this type of system. However as it seems to be emerging as the new industry standard resistance seems to be becoming increasingly futile.

I think I'll wait until the New Year before plugging it in though. It seems to have more sums in it then the puzzle book.

20:20 on 28/12/16 (UK date).