Football Season's Here

On Saturday the English Premier League season began. Along with the Championship, League 1 and League 2 which began last week this means that all four divisions of the English Football (soccer) League have embarked on a season that will draw to a thrilling close in May 2010. Over the weekend 92 teams played 46 games scoring 101 goals between them. Some of these were legitimate sporting contests that were won by the best team on the day however a large proportion were fixed to either promote discussion or give certain English cities a boost to their collective egos. The sheer number of fixtures which would have taken 70 consecutive hours to watch means that I can't comment on all them so I'll concentrate on what I consider to be the most important.

Bristol City V Crystal Palace.

This Championship fixture because it featured the most blatant piece of match fixing ever seen. In the 34th minute Crystal Palace striker Freddie Sears put the ball so firmly and clearly into the back of the Bristol net that it bounced back out and onto the field of play. The referee then inexplicably awarded a goal-kick denying Crystal Palace the goal leaving Bristol to win 1-0. The cheating was so blatant that the referee has been suspended pending an investigation although the Football Association have refused to overturn the result.
This fixture is important politically because Crystal Palace is my local team, so local in fact that when I go shopping I go to a supermarket that is part of the stadium complex between one of the stands and the ticket office. Plus it's pretty obvious that Bristol City are the team local to the Bristol Abuse Case. Therefore matches between Crystal Palace and Bristol City are only ever going to be allowed to end in a Bristol win. This serves two purposes for the British Establishment. Firstly it allows them to, at least twice a year, to issue a statement announcing that Bristol in winning. I think the idea behind this is that if Britain says this forcefully enough and frequently enough some people will start believing it regardless of all the evidence to the contrary. Secondly when Crystal Palace lose, which they will do a lot this year, it pisses off my local football crowd and the hope is that eventually that anger will be directed against me.

Everton V Arsenal.

This Premiership game is important because the fact that Arsenal won 6-1 makes it the biggest opening day win in, I believe, the history of the football league. It is also politically important because when Britain invented their mythical Lesbian MI5 officer, Hannah, they went as far as making her an Arsenal fan. This fits in with the fact that Arsenal Ladies team are the most successful women's football team in England and the term "women's football team" is pretty much interchangeable with the term "bunch of lesbians". Therefore by drawing attention to Arsenal Britain is trying to claw back plausible deniablity over my burglary by blaming it on the lesbians.

This rather rush job to try and protect the Queen's reputation stems from a statement by the Russians on Friday. They felt that because Thursday's attempted robbery went so badly wrong and left me in a position of power against the Croydon network that it must've have been set up by my own side in order to make me look good. Flailing around in a bit of a panic Britain leapt on this idea of shifting the blame and ran with it by declaring the lesbians the winner of the weekend's events and have attempted to re-enforce it today by leaking a book by "Canoe man!" John Darwin in which he's set to reveal how he managed to fool the authorities for so long to the Sun newspaper. Whether you choose to believe that or not is your business but if the robbery was a set up or publicity stunt then all the police need to do is arrest the suspect and put me in the difficult position of having to prosecute one of my team mates.

Incidentally I'm still yet to hear from the Burglary squad. They're holding off in the hope that they can force me to call them and then put me on hold for a long time. The idea is to drive up my costs in what the Conservative party are referring too as a tax on city bonuses.