The 2015 Eurovision Song Contest: The UK's Entry.

On May 7th 2015 (7/5/15) the UK held it's General Election. The UK's 2015 Eurovision Song Contest entry was entirely predicated on that election resulting in a hung Parliament and then a period of coalition negotiation before the announcement of a more pro-European Labour Party led government possibly during the contest.

As such the song "Still In Love With You" was intended to represent the UK's transition from a World War Two style austerity coalition government back to the modern era by uniting elements of 1930's and 1940's big band jazz and swing music with modern electronic dance/rave music.

Although I've not met him "Alex Larke" who makes up half of the "Electro Velvet" duo is certainly very good at playing the role of the sharp elbowed, shiny suited Yuppie that represents Britain's aspirational middle-class Conservative Party voters. To really drive home the point it's made quite clear that he is from Hertfordshire which is one of Britain's posher Home Counties. The intention seemed to be to remind the European Union (EU) that while the UK is keen its repair its relationship the EU still needs to respect the views of the people of cast votes for the Conservatives losers.

"Bianca Nicholas" who makes up the other half of the duo hails from Kent which isn't quite considered posh enough to count as one of the Home Counties. It is made quite clear that Electro Velvet have performed for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. The Duchess of Cambridge who also hails from Kent is of course considered too much of a commoner to count as a real Princess no matter how many Royal babies she succeeds in popping out. Rather then making any point this was brought up simply to provoke a reaction from the other competitors.

Nicholas is actually a veritable collection of little conversational hooks. For example she apparently competed in "The Voice, UK." Many other entrants were either competitors in or winners of "The Voice" in nations where the franchise is considered the premier TV signing competition. However in the UK it's considered such a flop that I'm pretty sure not even previous winners can remember their own names.

Away from the tensions with the EU the UK also has a difficult relationship with Eurovision. The UK likes to think of itself as something of a world leader in the field of pop-music having produced bands like "The Beatles." However the UK refuses to send acts of that calibre to Eurovision sending the message that the UK thinks Eurovision is beneath them. Larke also performs in a "Rolling Stones" tribute band. Along with the Beatles the Rolling Stones are considered one of the UK's most successful bands so sending a member of a tribute act promotes discussion about how seriously the UK takes the competition.

The video in support of the song and the stage performance resemble the stage setting for hit BBC TV show "Strictly Come Dancing" which has been franchised across the World including to the US where it is known as "Dancing With The Stars." The UK's BBC broadcast team for the song contest featured "Mel Geidroyc" who is part of the presenting team on the BBC TV show "The Great British Bake Off" which like Strictly has become a global hit even being referenced in Latvia's 2014 Eurovision entry "Cake to Bake." As such the UK seemed to be going; "Look we know we couldn't get Paul McCartney, Kanye West and Rihanna but we are backing up our entry with some serious TV talent."

One of the UK's main areas of tension with both the EU and Eurovision is, well, me. For years the UK has justified its poor treatment of me by claiming my exploits cause them to expend a great deal of time, money and energy protecting me - as a citizen - from all the nations that I've upset and picked fights with over the years. Lyrics such as "You need to be cautious - Take good care when I’m not there" the song very much plays up to that. The problem is that I've often felt the same way about the UK and actually lifted my protection of the country back in around 2007/8. Also back in the spring of 2014 - after one too many attacks on me - certain members of the Eurovision community may have reminded the UK that it is in fact rather bad at protecting its passport holders.

In their effort to make me the issue the UK received assistance from Switzerland who I covered in detail after their exit at the second semi-final. However it seems I also enjoyed a fair bit of support;

Norway: The cross "Anna" who was referenced in the Swiss entry is ginger-haired and sometimes referred to as "The Ginger Witch." The Swiss dual national "Debrah Scarlett" who represented Norway is also ginger-haired. The song "A Monster Like Me" is basically a guy in a hugely dysfunctional relationship telling a girl that she'd better stop behaving like such an absolute psycho-b*tch nightmare or he'll have to dump her.

The theme of the video is of a dinner party. At the Brighton address that is also referenced in the Swiss entry I threw some legendary dinner parties that weren't exactly famed for being strictly civilised affairs. The video also seems to be influenced by those famous "Ferrero Rocher" TV commercials set at the Ambassador's reception. This seemed to be a play on my unofficial role as an ambassador for Eurovision. One of the dinner party guests was a heavily eye-browed little girl who seemed to be a joke at the expense of British model "Cara Delevingne."

So with the other half of the duo "Morland" having lived much of his adult life in the UK Norway seem to have succeeded in positioning themselves between Switzerland and the UK and proceeded to make fun of them both.

Finally from certain angles Scarlett could also resemble another musical redhead - "Jess Glynne" who is an up and coming UK star. Despite the fact Glynne's song "Hold My Hand" is apparently the only song that is allowed to be played on UK radio at the moment I've never seen her interviewed and I'm not sure I've even heard her speak. However from her videos such as "Right Here" it's clear she's a bit of a tomboy and the lyrics to her love songs are all strictly gender neutral. As a result "Jess Glynne: Gay or Straight?!" has become a bit of a party game on the UK pop scene with various DJ's who genuinely don't care dropping suggestive hints either way.

I know that I complained about this sort of thing at the Sochi Winter Olympics where it seemed to be the only thing but it certainly has its place at Eurovision. Particularly in a year where such silliness was in short supply.

Germany: They were represented by "Ann Sophie" who is a British citizen who emigrated to live in Germany thus highlighting to the UK that the EU's open borders policy doesn't just apply to Poles and Romanians flooding into the UK. Quite the traveller she also studied at the "Lee StrasbErg Theatre and Film Institute in New York City, US. This provides a nice play with the Austrian city of StrasbOUrg or the French city of Strasbourg. The song "Black Smoke" was actually partly written by "Ella Eyre (McMahon)" who is another up and coming UK pop-star thus making it another example of a UK reject being dumped on Eurovision.

My favourite bit about Sophie is that her gimmick is to carry a childhood doll/puppet named "Anna" with her wherever she goes. With the phrase "Blowing Smoke" being used to describe someone who is making exaggerated boasts often to boost someones ego the whole thing sounded like Germany telling the UK to put down such childish things because they've really got nothing to boast about.

Also I'm pretty a black, smoke outline is all you're left with should you make the mistake of asking US President Obama to actually do his job.

As such I suspect that Germany's objective was to get as few points as possible to demonstrate that Black Smoke is really nothing to be proud of.

At around 19:50 on 25/5/15 (UK date) I am now going to annoyingly leave this half-finished and come back tomorrow.

Edited at around 10:55 on 26/5/15 (UK date) to tidy the above and add;

Spain: They were represented by "Edurne" who is an accomplished Spanish singer, actress, TV presenter and impressionist/mimic. However she is most commonly referred to as; "The wife of Manchester United goalkeeper David de Gea" which obviously promotes discussion about gender equality.

The song "Amanecer" is all about a burning desire for a much loved man to return. Ever since the days of the armada I've always got on well with the Spanish. Although it features a seemingly obligatory and not at all subtle reference to "Lord of the Rings" I would say that the Sci-Fi/Fantasy style video was mainly influenced a Canadian TV show called "Olympus." Although I've not seen it I gather it's a re-imagining of the Greek classical myths such as "Jason and the Argonauts" in much the same way "Once Upon A Time" re-imagines classic fairy tales. During the carnage of the war against ISIL, the war against Yemen, the proposed forming of a pan-Arab army and the Libyan migrant sinking/beheadings I appear to have panicked and made an extremely high-brow reference to classical Greek literature. In fact some of us are still having a great deal of fun waiting for some of the more hawkish parties to work out the reference.

The title of the song roughly translates into English as either "Daybreak" or "Dawn." This was a reference to Australia's inclusion in the competition. While in Europe Eurovision tends to be watched at alcohol fuelled evening get-togethers for Australia's - and parts of Russia's - hardcore Eurovision fans it is strictly breakfast television. I don't think there is a nation in the western world that doesn't have a breakfast TV news show whose title doesn't play around with the term "Daybreak."  Alongside the very clunky reference to Lord of the Rings this seemed intended to welcome Australia to the competition by pointing out that Spain is aware that they are not New Zealand.

As with the neighbour Portugal for economic reasons I don't think Spain was seriously trying to win the competition.

Although it needs to be covered as a stand-out the "Golden Boy" in Israel's entry could be interpreted as a reference to me because the UK has long claimed that Israel is one of the nations I need protecting from. I think it's fair to say that over the years we've increased our understanding of each other.

In a massive effort to promote discussion about whether the UK holds Eurovision in contempt on the weekend of the grand final the BBC's flagship pop-music radio station "Radio 1" was hosting it's "One Big Weekend" music festival which was headlined by Taylor Swift. As a result throughout the final the BBC schedules were loudly whispering; "Don't watch that, watch this. It's where all the cool kids hangout." However I get the impression that when they confirmed the booking Ms Swift's people might have forgotten to mention to the BBC their intention to release "Bad Blood" as a single.

What really sunk the UK entry though was that it completely failed to predict the result of the UK's own election. So where they were hoping for a discussion about the new Labour government building bridges with the EU instead political discussion was all about how Labour did so badly and who their next leader would be.

So after decades of the British electorate being failed by the Eurovision team I think this was the first time the UK's Eurovision team has failed by the electorate.


11:40 on 26/5/15 (UK date).