Seriously Ireland.

I know it's been a long and sparkly day but in the great sectarian headcount of 2015 did you really have to give maximum points to Latvia. Their entry "Love Injected" was just them going; "Russia's got a growing HIV/AIDS problem caused by intravenous drug use and some pretty antique hospital sterilisation procedures. However they're ALL blaming it on the gays! So HATE THEM, HATE THEM NOW!!!!!"

The worst bit is that they've clearly got a direct line to Taylor Swift via the US State Department. Seriously they weren't even the best of the Baltic trio.

As for the UK I think we should be extremely grateful for our two points. After all on the political front with a song about moving from the wartime austerity coalition to the modern age we didn't even predict the outcome of our own election. Plus beyond booking Taylor Swift to headline BBC Radio's rival "One #BigWeekend" is it really possible for us to show more contempt for the Eurovision Song Contest?

Anyway it appears that Sweden have won with "Heroes" - their charming little ditty about teaching Ukrainian kids to hate and kill. I know that it's not really in the spirit of Eurovision to suppress unpopular political opinions but with the use of child soldiers and ethnic cleansing both being considered crimes against humanity are we seriously going to be going to Sweden next year?

Anyway it's probably best I leave things here until I've had at least a deep breath and a good night's sleep but to all the gays and cripples who voted to support the 1st Galician;

"Well done, you've f*cking covered yourselves in glory there."

23:15 on 23/5/15 (UK date).