Today (22/10/13) Rihanna performed in Tel Aviv, Israel just some 'six' hours after arriving in the country. Although it would have been more sensible for Rihanna to use those precious few moments preparing for her concert she was instead dragged off for a photoshoot at the Dead Sea in what was p*ss poor attempt to justify why she was arriving from the Greek island of Crete rather then the United Arab Emirates (UAE) a day earlier.
Needless to say Rihanna epically f*cked up arriving on stage some 90+ minutes after her scheduled stage time. As of yet I do not know the exact running order of the standard set-list but I gather Rihanna was wearing one outfit throughout her performance. If I was being charitable I would say this ensemble of black trousers, skirt, and long black mesh veil attached to a China style headpiece which was eventually stripped down to just a black sports-bra style top/hotpants/headpiece combo made it look as though Rihanna had got dressed in the dark.
That is of course charitable because the phrase; "Looks like they got dressed in the dark" is owned outright by follow Roc Nation 'artist' Kanye West. Therefore Rihanna's general demeanour on stage could possibly be explained away by Kim Kardashian posting on Twitter/Instagram a picture of herself wearing an engagement ring in front of an electronic scoreboard sign bearing the slogan "Will You Marry Me?" Now I'm not a detective but I think this might indicate that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian might be getting married. However I think Kanye West's accountant might have something to say about that in the next 72 days.
Anyway even though Rihanna was epically late and they had to close most of the major roads in their capital city during a municipal election the Israelis were desperate for this concert to go ahead. That's because in the original script Rihanna's UAE concert on Saturday (19/10/13) was merely to provide an excuse to drive Rihanna to a full-scale emotional and psychological breakdown while she was in the country. As such Israel was determined they would be the next nation Rihanna would visit so she could be provided with a safe space to rest and recover from her ordeal.
Therefore I suppose I should probably start this review of Rihanna's Israel concert by talking about her time in the UAE. The great news is that Rihanna's scheduled breakdown did not even come close to materialising. However this was not from a lack of trying on the parts of both Rihanna's CIA handlers/Live Nation (the management) and the local hosts.
And at 22:05 on 22/10/13 I'll tell you all about that after I just step suspiciously outside for a moment.
Edited at around 22:25 on 22/10/13 to add; Seriously there used to be a time when people were allowed to smoke in offices;
The main part of the management and the local host's effort to drive Rihanna to a breakdown involved making sure that she spent the maximum amount of time as possible in the country. Therefore Rihanna arrived in the very early hours of Saturday (19/10/12) and was booked to remain there until this morning. However something came up and I'll get to that later.
The second part of the management and the local hosts plan was scheduling two incredibly stupid excursions for Rihanna. The first of these was on Saturday morning which saw Rihanna visit a western-style water park. The plan here was for Rihanna and her friends to be photographed cavorting around in skimpy bathing costumes and Rihanna duly obliged posting said pictures on Twitter/Instagram. In a strictly Sunni Islamic country where women are expected to fully cover their bodies if they even dare leave their husbands home this was intended to provoke an extremely hostile backlash. If you want to know exactly how "hostile" think Benghazi.
The other extremely poor choice of an excursion was to the Sheikh Zayed Mosque. The effect of that particular visit was intended to be twofold;
Firstly although she strictly adhered to 'Islamic' modesty standards the mere act of Rihanna being photographed at this religious site (for example non-Muslims aren't even allowed into Mecca) would be enough to cause massive offence to Muslim extremists prompting an extremely hostile backlash against Rihanna. If that wasn't enough the sight of Rihanna covering her hair whilst visiting a Mosque was enough to cause massive offence to Christian extremists prompting an extremely hostile backlash against Rihanna who they accused of promoting Islam. As a result pretty much every comment I've read about Rihanna on social media (Twitter/Instagram) since Saturday has been of the extremely angry, insulting and offensive nature that only a religious zealot can truly achieve.
The second intended effect of inviting Rihanna to the Sheikh Zayed Mosque was to produce a picture of Rihanna "standing firm in front of the [any] Mosque." That is because most of the stress placed on Rihanna during Sunday (20/10/13) was supposed to be being generated by me being placed under ceaseless attack by my neighbours and their friends and associates otherwise known as "The Police." For reasons that still make no sense to me the address of those neighbours is known as 'the Mosque."
Whatever you call it though the property is owned by a - I suppose "criminal entity" is the correct term. This criminal entity was very active during the Croydon branch of the UK's August 2011 riots burning down occupied properties in the hope that they could buy the fire damaged sites at a knock-down price in order to re-develop them for a huge profit. Therefore the image of Rihanna standing firm in front of 'the Mosque' was supposed to give the entirely false impression that Rihanna fully supported this little, local criminal entity. As such Rihanna jolly well deserves all the punishment she gets because Rihanna was totally responsible for the UK's August 2011 riots(!).
At around the time Rihanna left the UAE in the early hours of Monday (21/10/13) on an emergency detour to the Greek island of Crete the Sheikh Zayed Mosque released a statement announcing that Rihanna had been thrown out after entering the compound and taking photographs without permission. Apart from being a coded reference to the fact that Rihanna had left the UAE this was the UAE's - government is not the right word - trying to shore up domestic support. Firstly it was intended to give the entirely false impression that it hadn't given its full prior permission for Rihanna's photoshoot. Secondly it was intended to give the entirely false impression that it was the UAE's choice that Rihanna had left a day early.
Rihanna's management of course agreed to go along with this statement because it was so shrill that it made it quite clear that the UAE most certainly did not given permission for Rihanna to leave a day early. Therefore the US was hoping to spin this as them bravely, finally standing up to the Gulf Monarchs. The problem was that everybody in the business (see the Republic of Ireland for details) already knew full well that Rihanna was being diverted to Greece because the management were having trouble deciphering this incredible story of a blond haired, blue eyed white girl who had been bravely rescued by Greek police from a Roma Gypsy family who had stolen her as a baby.
At around 23:10 on 22/10/13 this rather neatly brings me on to the bit of my job I hate the most - the tensions in the relationship between Rihanna and Melissa Forde. Therefore it seems like an appropriate time for me to leave my partially prepared statement, smoke a little more, open another bottle of wine and basically just try and wing it.
Edited at around 00:35 on 23/10/13 to add: Well this is going to be s*t;
The reason why I consider the tensions between Rihanna and Melissa Forde to be the worst part of my job is that because unlike Rihanna's repeated, forced reunions with Chris Brown her relationship with Melissa Forde strikes me as being completely genuine. In my experience it is best to let this type of friendship run it's natural course without over-analysing it. Or having someone over-analyse it on the Internet for you. As the case may be.
Anyway somewhere back there in one of those distant pasts Rihanna and Melissa Forde had a big bust up that led to Ms Forde being sent home from the tour. Rather then being anything to do with Ms Forde's blatant and massive homosexuality this argument was all about whether Rihanna should follow my tactical plan for this third and final leg of the Diamonds World Tour or follow Ms Forde's plan. As this sort of thing is very much my area of expertise it goes without saying that Ms Forde lost.*
After something of an air clearing session though the relationship between the two began to improve. A large part of this was Rihanna's decision to send Ms Forde to London in order to prove a point to the South Africans. Unfortunately Melissa Forde kind of lost her sh*t and got on the phone to Rihanna begging to come to South Africa. This caused more then 100 types of trouble so Rihanna paid for Ms Forde to fly commercial to Crete because there was no point bringing that sort of un-settlement to the UAE.
However being determined to look like an idiot whilst she was flying to Crete Melissa Forde decided to make a great deal of a book of Ancient Greek proverbs that someone (I honestly don't know who) had given her to read on the plane. Possibly because of the blatant sarcasm of this 'gift' or her annoyance at being forced to bang her knees against the seat in front Ms Forde decided to share exerts of this book on Twitter/Instagram.
I am though arrogant enough to think that Ms Forde was so keen to share with us the fact she'd been sent to fly ahead to Crete alone was because she thought the announcement about a blond haired, blue eyed white girl being saved from a Roma Gypsy family in Greece disproved my assertion that Kate McCann's claim that her daughter Madeline had being kidnapped by - I believe now a Saudi Arabian white slavery ring - rather then simply killed by an accidental sedative overdose was just the words of a doctor trying to cover up her mistake. Little did Ms Forde realise that there's a lot more depth to the 'Maria' story then that.
Of course if the management hadn't insisted on sending Rihanna to Crete or if Rihanna had bothered to tell me that she'd left the UAE I would have spent most of Monday talking your ears off about the 'Westside Story." However because as we all know the management are far more intelligent, cunning and downright sexy then you or I, I will say simply this;
"Fu*king Hell!! That's got to be the first time in history European fascism has prevented someone escaping to Israel!!!"
Honestly(!) 23:59 on 22/10/13 (UK date.)
* I do though reserve the right to mock Melissa Forde about her massive and blatant homosexuality on Twitter anytime I like. After all it's not what we're actually arguing about.
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