Ah yes Vodafone.

Way, way back in the early 1980's when there was this thing known as the "analogue signal" the UK government issued licenses to set up a mobile phone network. Obviously one of these licences went to British Telecom the UK's nationalised telecommunication company who set up a division known as BT Cellnet (now O2). As the government at the time were worshipping at the alter of market competition they also issued another license to a company called Racal who were in the business of making military radios and weapons guidance systems. The set up a mobile phone division called Vodafone and battle commenced.



Being the the much larger company Cellnet set about developing a network based on a small number of expensive but powerful radio transmitter base stations. Vodafone being smaller went for a different design of network based on a higher number of cheaper yet less powerful base stations. This was a very technologically advanced system and Vodafone were very lucky the American company which developed it allowed them to use it.

When both networks were up and running Vodafones was the one championed by the UK government. Officially this was because it supported the governments faith in market competition. Unofficially it was because the higher number of base stations in Vodafone's network model meant that they were more able to accurately pinpoint any mobile phones location.

As a reward for their success Vodafones parent company Racal were sold British Rail Telecommunications (BRT), the telecoms arm of the newly privatised British Rail. As with all other UK government rewards BRT proved itself to be something of a donkey show and Racal quickly off loaded it too a company called Global Crossing who I believe have now gone out of business. Vodafone must have been happy with the deal though because they kept a very close working relationship with the UK security services right up until the "Athens incident"

Ahead of the 2004 Athens Olympic Vodafone convinced the Greek State to allow them to upgrade the nations mobile phone network in order to "Protect them from terrorism". The real reason was that this would then allow the British to intercept and spy on telephones calls made by all the representatives of the other nations present at that games. As this operation was run by Britain's "senior" intelligence service MI6 it fucked up and it fucked up badly. Not only did every other intelligence know exactly what MI6 were up to it is believed that a few of them even managed to spy on Britain's spying on everybody else.

Since then Britain has been looking for an excuse to unload the Vodafone brand in favour of it's replacement. I could tell you who that replacement is but there is little point as all UK mobile phone companies use Vodafones network model and are compelled by law to give the keys to their encryption codes to GCHQ.

In more current events you'll be glad to know that the police are no longer dealing with my Grandmothers burglary that never was. Sadly though they've been replaced by the tea and sympathy brigade. The first wave of this has been the Victim Support team who have been providing my gran with post traumatic counselling by using phrases such as;

"You're lucky that they didn't get you back inside the house otherwise they would have beaten and tortured you!"

They've also spent so long talking to her about Sunday that she is now convinced that it actually is Sunday. With a bit more morphine they'll probably be able to convince everyone that she really is suffering from dementia and needs to be put down.

I didn't actually allow my dad to talk to Victims Support because well he isn't the victim. This led to a bit of a row during the course of which he revealed that he had something "Private and Confidential to tell them.". Again talk about feeding the hand that bites.

Next we received a visit from Jacqui Smith stormtroopers the dreaded PCSO's. In the event of a crime these people's role is quite simple. They will turn up a couple of days after the event and say to the victim in so many words;

"Terribly sorry we appear to have created a society which only functions by forcing husband to turn on wife, son to turn on mother and neighbour to turn on neighbour. Please have a cup of tea and don't try to change it otherwise we'll be forced to come back and kick the living shit out of you!"

Of course I wouldn't mind all this law of the jungle shit but, no offence to Croydon, it's hardly top of the coconut tree now is it.


Some of Croydon's local residents may have noticed that today I have mainly been wearing my trademark "Gary Glitter look a like cap". I know some people will say that I shouldn't have done it but if Britain wants to do deals with and celebrate paedophiles who am I to stand in their way.

Incidentally Mr Glitter appears to have neatly managed to avoid prosecution in the UK by getting flown on the Hong Kong where he hopes to disappear so he'll probably be back raping little girls by the end of the week.