It's Offical My Body Hates Me.

In the absence of anything better to do I've been spending a lot of time in the gym focusing mainly on stamina work. This means that I've been unashamedly overexcerising and generally pushing my body to its limits in the hope that eventually those limits will increase.

This is quite good because it allows me to maintain some level of structure and discipline in my ultimately wasted days but it does leave me very, very tired. On the plus side though the horrible burning sensation that inhabited my muscles yesterday has been replaced by a dull ache, that and the fact I've lost a stone in the two months over Christmas.

I woke up this morning, alright this afternoon, and went to get out of bed only to discover that no part of my body below my neck was actually talking to me. After 5 minutes of gentle negotiation I was finally able to get up and get up as far as the sofa from where it took another half hour of motivational speaking to get it together to get dressed and leave the house. Due to the soul destroying rain I was forced to wear a coat and apparently this extra weight put me to the limit of just what my back could carry.

Sweat, strain and suffering aside over the last couple of days I've been hearing some encouraging things about how the next stage of my grievance procedure will go. On the face of it this should boost my confidence but sadly I got to hear very encouraging things about the first stage of the grievance only to have my confidence cruelly dashed when things didn't go as they should.

This leads me to believe that perhaps, just perhaps rather then making private statements and assurances certain people are making very positive public comments about how things will go will go in order to get my hopes up only to have my confidence shattered at a later date.

If of course someone was involved in such a nefarious activity they could only be doing it in the hope that eventually everyone will tire of the constant rollercoaster of emotions and at the end of it all my will would have been broken and I will docilely follow whatever path is offered to me.

Obviously though while things are still in postal service induced slow motion it would be careless to go into too much detail because a lot of people involved seem to be under the impression that they're players at this level and someone of them apparently hold some Scottish nationalist feelings.

In other news I've now finally come to the end of House which means I've got to decide whether to move straight on to The Wire or move onto some films starting with The Lives of Others which should be interesting if a little German. This choice is only been complicated by the fact that I've been hit by this pressing desire to watch Hard Candy again which is a very, very, very good film in a kind of dark, intense, psychologically unsettling sort of way.

Back with a government endorsement.

Firstly apologises for not posting for a while but this was partly because this grievance investigation has been up and running which called for a period of operational silence and partly that I didn't really have much to say.

Today I got to hear the result of the investigation and it was inconclusive because while it found clear evidence that bullying occurred there is not clear enough evidence to take any action against the person who was doing the bullying. This leads me to believe that despite the headlines someone has given my employers the impression that a certain employees position within the company is a pre-requisite of the project receiving government funding.

Sadly though I have already made it quite clear that the same certain employees dismissal is a pre-requisite for me to desist and become compliant. So the decision to back the employee leads me to conclude that someone is in fact actually not that bothered about my silence or my compliance.

Personally I'm at bit of loss of what to do next but I do suspect it will probably involve drinking whiskey and watching DVD's..

Update on the DVD marathon.

I have now finished with Ultimate Force and have moved on to season 3 of House. As usual this has led me in to a sort of sarcasm Olympics where every question I'm asked is met with the driest, most sardonic and unhelpful answer I can think of in the hope that I will be able to outdo the power of master.
I'm almost halfway through and I think the pile of films will be moved onto next especially as for some reason I went out and brought three more. Obviously the Wire will be left until last, mainly for the purpose of bad puns.

The DVD watching is being inhibited slightly by my new obsession - a computer game in which I command a team of WW2 commandos deep behind enemy lines. More problem solving then violence this game manages to be taxing enough to be entertaining without being difficult enough to be annoying, an addictive combination. This coupled with the history channels wall to wall Nazism means that I am in danger of actually being convinced that it is the spring of 1944 and I'm about to be dropped deep behind enemy lines to carry out a vital and dangerous mission.

This delusion might not be that far from the truth because tomorrow I set sail for Purley. For those of you that don't know Purley is located in South Croydon and with its big roads, crappy golf course and self important private school Purley represents something of Croydon's "Problem district". The other reason that I'm none to pleased to be heading off in that direction is that I am going to my charities head office to follow up my grievance meaning that I get to spend the whole afternoon explaining in great detail exactly what said staff member has done to annoy me and no doubt once again get to go through that infamous letter line by line. On top of that I rarely go to Purley so my piss poor sense of direction, sharpened by years of studying geography, means that I will probably get lost.

The news this weekend has, aside from the near orgasmic joy of a plane being crashed landed heroically by a Mr Coward, been a bit dull. The only vaguely interesting things to happen is the news that Northern Rock is no longer to be nationalised but the government will still provide financial support to any private sector partners who will end this sorry saga which started as a non-event and only found legs when it became a series of ever more embarrassing fuck ups by the government. Also Israel has killed around 30 odd in Gaza and cut off all energy supplies plunging the region into darkness while shutting down it's hospitals and sewage system so they'll soon be able to cleanse the region of those dirty Arab's and declare the region part of a greater Israel meaning they'll be able to set their sights on Iran's oil fields by the autumn.

In more local news I've received a sample of herbal remedy which could in the future be used to treat alcoholics. This blend of Danish hops and minerals is known as Carlsberg and I have to tell you after a few doses of this stuff you lose all interest in beer as an ideological concept. Apparently the Danes are sad to see it leave but I'm sure that pales in comparison to the sorrow we feel to see it arrive.

Today I have mainly been cooking

For reasons not yet fully understood I decided to cook tomorrow's dinner tonight so I can stick it in the fridge and heat it up tomorrow in a manner that will make the food standards agency cry.

After three hours of doing that I then spent another hour and half helping my gran cook tonight's dinner and I've had enough so Gordon Ramsay's great cook off can fuck right off because all this productivity is ruining my DVD watching missions.

Yesterday was more interesting and less kitchen orientated because I had to go and see my doctor. It turns out work had emailed him a full copy of my recent missive so we spent an entertaining 15 minutes going through it line by line with me explaining exactly what I meant, making it all sound perfectly reasonable and at the same time in no way whatsoever explaining what I meant.

Interestingly the covering letter that accompanied the email my line manager described me as "arrogant" which has to be one of my favourite insults because it normally comes out when I'm arguing with someone about one of their core beliefs and it's easier for them to throw an insult then accept the tiniest possibility that maybe, just maybe they're wrong.

At the end of the appointment my doctor gave me my usual prescription and sent me on my way. Today I got that prescription filled as you may have noticed because prior to planes crashing the big news story of the day was the government releasing a report that the NHS drugs bill is far, far to high and all prescriptions should have the drug price printed on the box.

As I personalise every single piece of news in a very arrogant the world revolves around me sort of way I'm taking this to mean that the state is now begrudging the fact that I will now have to be on some sort of medication for the rest of my life. If that is the case I can only say that they should have thought of that before they failed me and my family so catastrophically for the first 19 years of my life and they should have certainly thought of that before they dedicated so much time and effort into trying to drive me insane because I'm not exactly ecstatic about the prospect either.

The Horror, The Horror, The Horror!

I should start by apologising for the delay in posting because I was fully intending to update on Sunday but somebody decided that would be unacceptable behaviour so blogspot decided that it had no knowledge of this account and I was unable to post.

I should be grateful then that I am allowed to post today because the high volume of police officers around me would suggest that today has been an important day and it has because the 7 working day deadline I included with the grievance my employers expired today forcing me into action.

I responded to this challenge by contacting my line manager who informed me that the issue had been passed up to his line manager. Obviously I then contacted my line manager and he has agreed to meet me on Monday the 21st to discuss my grievance.

He seems to be very keen to carry out a very long, complicated, thorough and expensive investigation when all he needs to do is issue a P45 to the employee against whom I have the grievance. As said employee is currently on probation and therefore has no right to reply if their employment is terminated for whatever reason I can only conclude that somebody has put the fear of god into the employer.

This is very unfortunate and makes things very time consuming but there is nothing I can do about it, especially if I am not allowed to blog, in much the same way that there is nothing I can do to alleviate the west country situation if I'm not allowed to make phone calls last week.

That was the early afternoon, the peace and quiet of the late afternoon was rather spoilt by my psychiatrist - you know the fellow, bad case on consultant syndrome far exceeding his career achievements - phoning up my dad to discuss details of my treatment with him.

This caused a bit of a row because the psychiatrist told my father that I had been discharged for failing to "engage with the treatment" as a response my dad had a big go culminating in the threat that I would have to move out and live somewhere else. To which the old internal monologue ran something along the lines of "Oh my god no! Please don't force me to increase my income while at the same time having to remove the stress of dealing with you day in, day out" which sort of led me to today's title.

I did however manage to cleverly diffuse the situation by pointing out to my dad that it is in fact a little difficult to follow the treatment plan of a psychiatrist who has no treatment plan to offer. This lead to some discussion of whether or not his use of the term "failure to engage" did in fact mean that I was failing to provide him with information that he could pass on to his superiors in order to win love and gold stars.

Personally I have to conclude that this is very unlikely because I am already giving the PCT a clear profile of the sort of employees that are unacceptable within community mental health projects and they are failing to act on that information so clearly they have no interest in any information I have to offer.

Since then we've been out for dinner and I've been in the pub, in case you didn't notice, so all I can think of to add is that I have worked out a way that I can get a driving licence without it being used to my disadvantage but if I do that it will be considered a sign of weakness by the Whitehall peanut gallery so I am unsure of whether to go for it.

Today's question is the most pressing issue which has been filling my day; "What on earth happened to my head because at the back I've got wicked bruise and a bit of a nasty cut?"

What a bloody Mess

Sorry for not posting very often but there's not really much going on at the moment and to be honest you'd much rather watch Ultimate Force then listen to me describe every episode in minute detail.

I suppose I could tell how my dad is constantly complaining that me, his mother, my mother, my sister - in fact pretty much everyone he meets eventually reveals a stubborn and irritable streak to their personality. However there seems little point because I can't be bothered to suggest to him that perhaps he is the problem while there's a salaried chorus line ready to tell him that there's nothing wrong with him.

The complaint against work is still with in the window of opportunity for the manager to act effectively but this looks like it could get interesting because according to rumour said manager's been off sick since receiving my letter. I know that people have always said the pen was mightier then the sword but I didn't think they meant it so literally.

The news has picked up a bit today. The British tabloids are full of the horror story that British Troops in Iraq and Afghanistan may have been infected with HIV/AIDS after been given un-screenend blood transfusions. Obviously the fact that the donors of the blood have all produced negative results to multiple tests means that in true tabloid fashion there is nothing to the story. The rumour however itself will create a panic and sell a few more papers and that's got to be easier then having to do a bit of research and write a proper story.

Also the dreaded birdflu is back with three swans in the Dorset being diagnosed with the condition. Obviously they died on Tuesday but it's taken this long for the government vets to figure out what was wrong with them.

I don't know about you but personally I'm taking this to mean that certain elements of society have figured out that their prediction that I would throw a little tantrum and then crawl back on my knees with my tail between my legs is starting to prove a little less then accurate.

This leads me on to my question of the day which is simply;

"If your predictions of a persons behaviour are repeatedly proved wrong does that mean the persons behaviour is wrong or does it mean you're not as good at making predictions as you thought you were?"

Wahey last driving lesson

Not because I've passed my test or anything it's just that I've simply decided to give up.

It's a shame really because I was quite enjoying it, it's an important life skill and it would have helped me get a job.

Sadly though undertaking driving lessons was the product of my initiative and my effort both of which have been ruled as "unacceptable behaviour" so the lessons had to stop.

Besides if the British state thinks all I'm worth is a shitty 60 hour a week driving job they can fucking well pay for the lessons.

This move completes the first phase of "Operation Sulky Teenager".

The second of phase of this operation will obviously involve wearing black eyeliner, sitting in my room listening to the Smiths while writing angst ridden poetry about how no-one understands me.

Obviously as a 26 year man I can see as little point in this as a did as a 15 year old boy but as those in power in the UK never seemed to get beyond the sulky teenager phase so there must be something in it.

Well that was an interesting series of conversations

Firstly we got the governments explanation of why the results of my course have failed to arrive.

This was quite simply that the government have made a horrible mistake however I will have to be the one who pays for that mistake.

My Mother will also have to pay for that mistake,

My father will also have to pay for that mistake,

My grandmother will also have to pay for that mistake,

My friends will also have to pay for that mistake,

The charity I work for will also have to pay for that mistake,

The people that charity is trying to help will also have to pay for that mistake,

In fact everybody will have to pay for that mistake except obviously for the people that actually made that mistake because if they're forced to pay for their mistakes we will be in a state of anarchy and they can't have that because then there will be no-one to pay their wages.

Secondly we were giving the British governments definition of free speech which is;

"If you say something that others find offensive then you can be expected to be violently punished for that speech. If however someone says something you find deeply offensive then you must dare not speak against them because that is an act of violence."

Yesterday I saw lots of ambulances

Mainly because I did spend most of the day on an arterial route for the emergency services but there was also that one on TV carting Britney Spears off somewhere and that old pattern ambulance that appear to be stalking me, continually lurking just on the cusp of my field of vision.

The great trickle of brightly coloured vehicles and flashing lights did subtly implant on my subconscious the desire to be an Emergency Medical Technician.

Sadly though despite the belief of civil servants in Whitehall, tucking into their three hour lunches whilst patting themselves on the back over what a frightfully good job they're doing and telling each other how any of the proles should be glad of the opportunity to work in the NHS I was reminded of the words of everybody who actually works in the NHS and are more then familiar with the long, unsociable hours, the piss poor pay, the directionless management strategies, the endless, pointless and contradicitory reform programs, the stress, the violence and wall to wall grief.


These people have a simple one word of advice for anyone considering starting work in the NHS: DON'T!

Anyway today's question is the same question that's been asked everyday since June 2007 and it is simply;

"Where are the results of my book-keeping course?"

Oh what a circus!

Sorry couldn't resist.

Today I lodged a formal grievance against one of my superiors at work on the grounds of bullying and that oh so popular technique of running to teacher means that I am facing an uncertain start to the new year but in my defence I must descend to the school yard once again and utter the immortal phrase "But she started it!"

As one of the charges of the grievance is that said supervisor abuses her position to manipulate other staff members in order to do me harm the only reasonable decision the manager can make is to suspended her immediately pending a full investigation especially as she has already moved to have me suspended without hearing.

He however will not do this for two simple reasons; firstly he doesn't like the idea of having to suspend a member of staff because it will leave him shorthanded and him seems to believe that it will be impossible to fill that vacancy.

Secondly said supervisor has just moved into a new flat and if she's suspended she won't be able to afford the rent on that flat and will be forced to piss off back to her parents or just go back to living on friends floors as she was doing before she got the flat.

I will agree that this is a bit unfortunate but she won't be the first in that situation and sadly she won't be the last and if people will insist on playing law of the jungle then they must take their money and take their risks.

If there is any justice left in the legal system it would appear that there is going to be a vacancy at work. This isn't the first time this had happened because the previous employee was forced out because the line manager was prepared to simply spend one day a week at the project he was managing.

It was found that this vacancy produced a bit of a problem because the failure to advertise the position anywhere else other then in the staff room meant that they only got one applicant.

So if anyone fancies earning £19,000 - £21,000 based on a five day week working 9:30 - 4:30 I suggest you send a CV and covering letter to Mind in Croydon, 18 Westow street, Se19 3AH.

Qualifications and experience do not seem to be an issue because the last person we gave the job too doesn't have any. That said some qualification in psychology or experience in care work (parenting for example) would be an advantage but primarily it's a retail job so if you have good interpersonal skills you will pick up the rest very quickly.

In other news being as it is a new year I have got myself a new diary. After the disaster that was last years diary with it's broken cover and pages flying about it the wind I decided to get a diary that was properly bound together. What I did fail to notice when I brought was that the binding on this diary was held together with a magnetic clasp meaning that embedded in the front and back covers there are two great big lumps of metal giving me a very hard diary but I think even a hard diary has an advantage over having different pages flying around all over the place.