The 2016 Eurovision Song Contest: The British Contribution.

The UK is this participating in this year's Song Contest with the song "You're Not Alone" by Joe & Jake. 

Not being a complete masochist I have not yet got around to listening to it. However it already seems clear that it will be the least and possibly last of Britain's contribution to this year's contest.

The UK has long had something of a Love/Hate relationship with the Song Contest.

On the one hand the UK pays its dues to the European Broadcasting Union (EBU) at the highest rate qualifying them as one of what is known as the "Big Five." In return for their larger financial contribution the Big Five get to skip the semi-finals qualifying automatically for the Grand Final alongside the previous year's winner and host.

On the other hand the UK likes to think of itself as something of a cultural powerhouse that is somehow above all this tacky nonsense. As such Britain seems to take great pride in sneering at all the other participants and the contest itself.

This year though the UK is laser focused on the Song Contest as one of the most important events of the year.

In part this is because on June 23rd (23/6/16) the UK will hold a public referendum on its membership of the European Union (EU). The EBU is a much older and entirely separate organisation from the EU. However 27 of the nations competing in the Song Contest are also EU member states. So topic certainly does have a habit of coming up.

Also I don't think it is any secret that amongst the main themes at this year's Song Contest are the war against the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) and associated groups alongside the Irregular Migrant/Refugee crisis and substantially increased terror threat that war has caused. Despite being an early supporter of ISIL the UK having a long history of terrorism is now very much taking the issue seriously and trying to lead the fight. Never has the phrase; "A Road to Damascus Moment" been more appropriate.

The obvious thing for the UK to do then would be to enter a really strong song into the competition. Calvin Harris has recently released a song called "This Is What You Came For" featuring Rihanna on vocals. As Calvin Harris is British this could have been the UK's entry this year. However based on previous years that would have likely been seen as significant over-kill.

The UK could then have followed up its strong entry with lots of multi-platform programming to hype up the competition before and during.

It seems though that the UK has instead decided to go in a wildly different direction;

The 2016 Song Contest opens as it always does with a Red Carpet Gala on Sunday (8/6/16). Just as that Gala was drawing to a close Britain's Prince Harry opened the Invictus Games in Florida, US. This is one of his pet projects.

In only its third year the Invictus Games does pretty much only what it says on the tin. It helps wounded ex-servicemen rehabilitate themselves through sport. 

As is our debt to them we make more of a fuss about it than it probably deserves. It certainly doesn't feature any of the political or cultural aspects of the Olympics. 

However in a effort to promote it the Queen of England of all people has been exchanging trash talk in Internet videos with other World leaders such as US President Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau. That could certainly give the impression to those not involved that there is something serious and political going on.

In support of the Invictus Games Britain's Eurovision host broadcaster the BBC has cleared its prime time, prime channel schedules to provide a round-up of the day's events. That is the sort of coverage the Song Contest can only dream of with the semi-final broadcasts being relegated to a niche BBC channel.

Before the Invictus Games opening ceremony got under way in the US the British Academy for Film and Television held its annual TV Awards (BAFTATV). This was broadcast live from 8pm-10pm in direct competition to the Song Contest opening Gala which was not broadcast at all in the UK.

Although it's most high profile project is the Song Contest Eurovision is really a TV thing rather than a music thing. The Song Contest is little more than content filler that allows Eurovision to broadcast a vast TV spectacle. It is though content filler that has been going for 61 years and regularly attracts 200million+ viewers.

As such a lot of people involved in Eurovision will be reasonably interested in the backstage gossip at BAFTATV's. Not least because it was hosted by Graham Norton who hosts the BBC's coverage of the Song Contest Final. This year's gossip was likely to be very political because today (12/5/16) the British government has announced its plans for the BBC over the next decade. Established by Royal Charter the way that the BBC is run is very uniquely British.

In 2016 the 9pm on a Sunday has emerged as the BBC's flagship drama slot. So far we've had the adaptation of "War & Peace" and the "Night Manager." On the heels of those we've had a show called "Undercover." Although clearly a much smaller production this is still extremely good.

The fact that the finale of "Undercover" was delayed for the BAFTATV's caused something of an uproar amongst viewers. So much so that the show's lead actor - Adrian Lester - was called upon to hand out the last award of the night in a sort of nod of apology.

Undercover is heavily inspired by the 2014 scandal that British police had sent undercover officers to spy on various political campaigns including the family of murdered black teenager Stephan Lawrence. It centres on an undercover police officer who is sent on to spy of a group anti-racism campaigners. He quickly falls in love with one of the group, quits the police force and marries her without ever telling her the truth about who he is.

Twenty years later the wife - a lawyer - is being considered for the job of Director of Public Prosecutions (DPP) - equivalent to the Attorney General in the US - so the police suddenly reactivate the husband as a spy. How it ends we STILL DO NOT KNOW!!!!

The husband in the show is black and so is the wife. Obviously this means that all of their three children are also black as are many of their friends. As such this primetime show is led by a majority black cast - a first for the BBC and possibly British TV.

However it is so well done that unless you particularly object to seeing black people on TV you probably wouldn't notice that there are actually very few white faces on screen.

The only irritation is that the wife has long been representing a black man on death row in the US state of Louisiana. However rather than filming those scenes in the US they instead film them in what is quite clearly South Africa. As such it seems that they're trying to draw a comparison between Apartheid and the largely imagined racism of the US Black Lives Matter (BLM) campaigners are constantly complaining about.

The real reason for filming in South Africa though has far more to do with economics than art.

A few years ago the BBC Three channel produced a sitcom called "Bluestone 42" about a British Army bomb disposal team in Afghanistan. Being able to enjoy jokes about what to do with the suicide bomber's severed head I found this reasonably funny. However only amounting to around 20 thirty minute episodes over three seasons it certainly wasn't a big primetime show.

It is hard to explain then why in order to make it the BBC felt the need to build a miniature version of Afghanistan in South Africa. After all it would be much cheaper just to go to southern Spain where they filmed all those spaghetti westerns. 

The Bluestone 42 production was so expensive that the BBC has been forced to invent other shows like "Our Girl" simply to get some use out of the set. They even rented it out to the makers of "Homeland" for their Pakistan set fourth season.

With its Charter being up for renewal this is the sort of thing that makes it extremely difficult to argue that the BBC spends its money wisely.

Fortunately BBC Three has now been shut down - sorry, 'bravely found a new home online.' 

This means the Song Contest is now being broadcast on BBC Four. Culturally speaking that is a promotion although with BBC Three no longer being there that was hardly a factor in the decision.

Back on April 26th (26/4/16) a British Coroners Inquest finally ruled that 96 Liverpool FC fans had been unlawfully killed at the Hillsborough ground in Sheffield in 1989. 

Rather than forcing me to recite the entire 27 year history of this campaign it is probably easier all around if you just read what I wrote at the time; http://watchitdie.blogspot.co.uk/2016/04/the-truth-at-last.html

The summary version though is that there has always been a lingering suspicion that the British did this on purpose. Not least to punish Irish nationalists such as the Provisional Irish Republican Army (PIRA).

Although as a child at the time I can only look back at it as if it were an event from ancient history one thing I always found suspicious was the decision not to run what are termed "Football Special" trains from Liverpool to Sheffield. Made many weeks in advance this is the sort of mistake that cannot be blamed on the confusion and panic of the day.

Going to a football match in Europe in the 1980's was a lot like going to war. As far back as 1985 English teams were banned from the European Cup (now the Champions League) after Juventus fans launched an attack on Liverpool fans at the Heysel stadium in Brussels, Belgium. In their predictable haste to run away from the inevitable counter-attack the Juventus fans trampled 39 of their own to death.

Due to this level of violence the standard procedure for English football fans wishing to travel to an away match in what is now known as the Premier League was that they would meet at their home ground. 

From there the riot police would march them to the closest railway station and load them onto a special designated train known as a "Football Special." The riot police would travel with the fans aboard this train. 

When it arrived at its destination the riot police would march the fans to the stadium of the team they were playing. Once the match had ended the riot police would march the fans back to the station for the Football Special that would take them back to their home ground. There they would be released back into society.

Even now in modern times this tactic of football policing has still not been forgotten for certain matches.

A prime example of this would be a West Ham United versus Millwall match. Even if you've never seen the 2010 Hollywood movie "Green Street" you would know that West Ham's "Intercity Crew" have a fearsome reputation. Their name comes from the trouble they would cause on the Intercity Football Special trains. The Millwall "Bushwhackers" don't need a movie to make them famous.

If I were to compare the hatred between West Ham and Millwall to the Israel/Palestine conflict I could still be accused of understating it somewhat.

Despite this on August 25th 2009 (25/8/09) London's Metropolitan Police saw no reason to lay on Football Specials for Millwall fans travelling to West Ham's Boleyn ground in the Upton Park area of London for the League (Carling) Cup second round match. I can't remember the point the police were trying to make by organising this riot but I think it's fair to say that a bit of a ding-dong ensued.

The other thing I find highly suspicious about the Hillsborough tragedy is that despite knowing that Liverpool fans were seriously delayed match commander - Chief Superintendent David Duckenfield - did not push-back the matches scheduled kick-off to allow the fans to safely enter the ground.

On Tuesday (10/5/16) West Ham played their last ever game at the Boleyn ground after 150 years against Manchester United. It was always going to get a bit naughty. That is probably why this last game had been rearranged at the last minute for a Tuesday night rather than a Saturday afternoon at the last minute. 

It seems that for the special occasion the Intercity Crew brought themselves out of retirement and threw a few bottles at the Man U team bus as it made its way into the stadium breaking a few of the bus' windows. 

By the standards of the 1980's this was embarrassingly sh*t. However the game's kick-off was still put back by 45 minutes from 18:45 (GMT) until 19:30 (GMT) to allow the fans to enter the stadium safely.

Man United fans big chant is; "Glory, Glory Man United." This is a complete rip-off of an Irish Republican drinking song; "The Belfast Brigade." The fact that Man U fans have been allowed to sing this in their disgustingly illegal 26 year stint as; "The Anointed Club of the British Empire" should be considered deeply offensive to all.

With migration/terrorism being a major theme of the Song Contest it is fair to assume that the issue of racial integration/social cohesion has also emerged as significant sub-theme. This is genuinely worth a PHD in Human Geography from any one of the World's best Universities.

So while I've yet to completely blind myself with potatoes you'll excuse me if I leave that until a later date. You may be lucky on Saturday (14/5/16) but realistically I think you're waiting until Wednesday (17/5/16) at the absolute earliest.

I for one will be filing a formal protest against all the unnecessary extra work I'm being forced to do.

As for the tedious middle-class treachery of the UK SAT test result being leaked on Tuesday (10/5/16). In the run-up to the 2016 Oscars I joked that certain subjects would be "On the Test."

At the Eurovision Song Contest there is literally a test. 

00:10 on 13/5/16 (UK date).