As I've previously mentioned the three large, unavoidable political themes of this year's contest were;
- The continuing violence in the geographic area that used to be known as the nation state of Ukraine. Following the imposition of a US-backed fascist junta at the start of 2014 this area is now properly referred to as; "The Shamali (northern) Province of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL)."
- The continuing war against ISIL and their associates. This has now spread from its nucleus in Syria and Iraq to bring mass casualty terror attacks to the heart of the Eurovision area.
- The mass waves of refugees fleeing from ISIL and their associates that have swamped the Eurovision area.
As a result rather than being three distinct topics these issues tend to blur into each other in real-life. Therefore many of this year's entries also deal with them at the same time. After all the challenge of integrating large numbers of Arab Muslim refugees into liberal, European societies is almost exactly the same as the challenge of preventing Muslims born within liberal European societies becoming radicalised and going off to join ISIL and associated groups.
This gives me a huge headache in terms of structuring my coverage of the contest in something even vaguely resembling a coherent form. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am probably going to have to cover each individual entry in detail. Not only that I'm likely going to have to repeat my coverage of certain entries in order to examine them in the different contexts to which they refer.
Although generally it was horrific the 2015 Song Contest was much easier. It simply demanded that nations vote "Yay!" or "Nay!" to the creation of Shamali Province.
Taking that as my starting point I should probably begin by listing all of the 42 participating nations who expressed support for Shamali Province this year;
- Latvia.
Sweden: This year's hosts of course won last year with the song "Heroes" by Mans Zelmerlow. The heroes it was referring to were the Cyborg-like soldiers of Shamali Province who were battling to keep it ethnically pure and free from filthy Russian blood.
Sweden's entry this year "I'm Not Sorry" by Frans made it quite clear that they most certainly were apologising for last year. After all no-one wants to have to pay to host the contest two years in a row.
However the song did then go on to list all the things Sweden would do if in fact it were apologising.
The video in support of the song showed a man sitting almost all alone in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. The look and feel of the video was heavily inspired by the 2013 film "How I Live Now." That deals with the aftermath of Islamist terrorists detonating a nuclear bomb in the UK's capital London killing hundreds of thousands of people.
The only other thing of note about Sweden's entry is that the singer Frans bears a certain similarity to the US actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Particularly his role as star, writer and director of the 2013 film "Don Jon."
Although I've not seen it Don Jon is part of a recent trend for films such as "Her" (2013), "Blue is the Warmest Color" (2013) and "Nymphomaniac, Vols 1&2" (2013) that really push the boundaries of what is acceptable in terms of the portrayal of sex on screen. Blue is the Warmest Color for example not only contains real lesbian sex scenes but also sex scenes that are so graphic and last for so long that they become uncomfortable rather than erotic to watch.
Le Bleu in Blue is the Warmest Color - Lea Seydoux - then went onto play the Madeleine Swann character in the 2015 and most recent James Bond film "Spectre." Whilst watching that with my mothers I think it is fair to assume the phrase; "The Elephant in the Room" has never been more appropriate.
What is considered acceptable in terms of sex and nudity is always an issue within Eurovision circles. It has become a particular issue this year because of the challenge of integrating people from Arab, Muslim societies which traditionally have very conservative attitudes towards sex and nudity into more liberal European societies.
It is universally accepted that the nation hosting the Song Contest that year won't put much effort into their entry. That is because they have ample opportunity to make further points throughout the week of competition. This is something Sweden did extremely well this year.
The accepted convention is that the telecast of the first semi-final opens with a performance of last year's winning song.
In competition last year "Heroes" was performed with elaborate, childlike animations being projected onto the stage backdrop. This was done to show Sweden's endorsement of the "Cult of the Cyborg." This year the children's drawings were replaced with actual children.
Those children were dressed in a uniform of a white shirt and tan/orange dungarees that made them resemble the Oompa-Loompas from the 1971 film "Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory." Among the Song Contest's large gay-male fanbase the character of Augustus Gloop who likes getting stuck in the chocolate chute has a certain notoriety.
If you viewed the dungarees as tan in colour you could interpret this as a reference to the "Sturmabteilung" or "Brownshirts" of Adolf Hitler's Nazi Party. They developed into the Waffen SS. There is a direct link between Shamali Province's "Cyborgs" and the 1st Galician regiment which is more properly referred to as 14th Grenadier Division of the Waffen SS. One assumes the US only support them because they've got "CIA" right there in their name.
If you viewed the dungarees as orange in colour you could interpret this as a reference to the Royal House of Orange that provides the Netherlands with its Monarchy.
In the 17th century the Protestant House of Orange lent its Monarchy to the UK. It then proceeded to invade what is now the Republic of Ireland and subjugate its majority population Catholic for the next 200 years. The infamous "Glorious 12th" riot season in Northern Ireland marks the victory of King William of Orange's victory at the Battle of the Boyne on July 12 1690.
If in the metaphor the Kurdistan Workers Party (PKK) are the Irish Republicans than ISIL are certainly Northern Ireland's Orange Order. Then of course there is the notorious Black & Tans regiment of the British Army.
One of the most controversial events of Shamali Province's continuing civil war was the downing of Malaysia Airlines flight MH17 of July 17th 2014 (17/7/14) with the loss of 298 civilian lives. As this flight originated in the Netherlands it fell to the Dutch to conduct the investigation. They released their final report on October 13th 2015 (13/10/15).
Although I may not have made it clear at the time I think the Dutch really do need to be commended for the way they conducted this investigation. Despite there being a great deal of political pressure exerted on them particularly by the US who wanted Russia blamed the Dutch ended up producing an impartial and credible report on the crash and its causes.
They of course found that they could not determine which side in the civil war had downed the aircraft. They did though find that any criminal investigation will first have to prosecute the Air Traffic Controllers who allowed a civilian aircraft to be flown into an active warzone where aircraft conducting bombing missions were being shot-down on a near daily basis.
We are now waiting to see if the US will now allow the prosecution of those Air Traffic Controllers. Some of whom may well be serving CIA officers.
The fact that children were being used to reference the way that the downing of MH17 was used - particularly by the US - as an example of what is known as "Atrocity Propaganda." That can really be summed up by the episode of "The Simpsons" TV show in which in the place of reasoned political debate the Maude Flanders character repeatedly screams; "Won't Someone Think of the Children!!"
It has recently come to my attention that it is actually the Helen Lovejoy character in The Simpsons that uses the; "Won't someone please think of the children!" catchphrase. Although its becoming a running joke it was first used in a 1996 episode entitled; "Much Apu About Nothing."
This begins with a docile, friendly bear wandering on the street where the Simpson's live. Despite the bear only ever being calm and cuddly it provokes a comically overblown reaction of panic. Amid hysterical demands that someone thinks of the children the town sets up a bear patrol force including what appears to be a B2 Spirit stealth Bomber to guard against further bear intrusions.
When the residents of town realise how much this bear patrol is costing them they once again demand that someone thinks of the children and taxes are lowered. This prompts the Mayor to blame the increased taxes on illegal immigrants and introduces Proposition 24 to deport all the illegal immigrants.
This forces popular character Dr Apu Nahasapeemapetilon PHD to take a US citizenship test or face deportation. During that test Apu is asked to explain the causes of the American Civil War. Having studied for the test Apu starts into a detailed explanation of the complex economic and political arguments - such as State's rights - that led to the war.
Much like a Black Lives Matter (BLM) community organiser the examiner responds by rolling his eyes and going; "Just say slavery."
This episode is apparently on the Sociology syllabus at the University of California, Berkley and often used as example to explain the logical fallacy of "Specious Reasoning."
At one point Lisa Simpson picks up a rock and claims that because there are no tigers around the rock guards against tiger attack. Missing the point Homer Simpson immediately offers to buy the rock to protect himself from tigers.
Once you pick up on that 20 year old reference it makes you wonder whether the Burns Unit at US President Obama's local hospital is fully stocked.
Frans first became reasonably famous at the age of just 7 years old. During the 2006 World Cup an Internet video of him singing a song in praise of Swedish footballing legend Zlatan Ibrahimovic went viral. This year's Song Contest represents his return to the limelight.
After decades of loaded discussion the rule is that you have to be at least 16 years old to give your consent to participate in the Song Contest. As such he is probably the closest thing to a child that also looks a bit Joseph Gordon-Levitt that Sweden could muster.
The problem with taking the almost hysterical "Won't Someone Think of the Children!!" sort of highly emotional approach to what are often very complex issues is that terrorists known that the death of a child - particularly a photogenic white girl - ignites this almost primal fury in many of us. As a result they use children as human shields.
If I had to describe this attitude in the form of a song lyric I would probably go with; "They're fighting in the streets. With their children at their feet. I hope we don't get fooled again."
Despite lamenting that they seem to be the last of the neutrals Switzerland used a Canadian singer to take Canada to task particularly over Shamali Province.
Canada actually has a large Ukrainian ex-patriot population. As a result it is extremely easy for Canadian politicians - particularly of the Trudeau ilk - to win cheap votes by promising to protect the old country from Russian aggression. Despite no-one really having much of an idea what is really going on in the old country.
During her second semi-final and only performance Rykka wore a dress that appeared to be smouldering, filling the stage with smoke. I think this was originally scripted as a reference to the fact that Canadians in Vancouver province grow and smoke a lot of marijuana. However they were certainly able to press it into service as a reference to the ongoing Fort McMurray wildfire in the nearby Alberta province.
As such I think this opening rendition of "Heroes" was an absolutely savage mockery of Shamali Province and the US' actions over MH17 in particular. However being the opening performance of what was always going to be a very tough week it was certainly open to wide interpretation.
The Swedish hosts opened the second semi-final with a comedic history of the Eurovision Song Contest for new viewer *coughs" Americans *coughs.* This took the form of a show tune. Along with the Song Contest the singing of show tunes and an obsession with musical theatre is a big gay stereotype.
In fact there has been a trend recently to use musical theatre stars rather than popstars for the Song Contest. That is because they have the discipline to stay in character at all times for a week whereas people like Rihanna and Miley Cyrus have something of a hand grenade like quality to them.
The big issue the UK was trying to push from outside the contest bubble was the 1989 Hillsborough tragedy in which 96 Liverpool F.C fans were unlawfully killed by the police.
Liverpool fan's adopted anthem is "You'll Never Walk Alone." This is actually a show tune from the 1946 musical "Carousel." That little detail does rather ask the question of both homophobes and the Song Contest's own "Gay Rights For Gays Mob" of whether they're sure that "Football Fans" and "Gay Men" are truly two mutually exclusive groups.
This point was driven home with some excellent audience participation.
The song ended with obviously gay men packed together all clapping their hands in unison and chanting as if they were on the terraces at a football match. I'm pretty sure I recognised some of them from the first semi-final where they were headbanging away throughout Cyprus and Montenegro's performances.
The BBC's grand final commentator Graham Norton of course lost major points for declaring Cyprus' song to be the worst in the competition.
As it began the musical number seemed to be influenced by the 1964 film "Mary Poppins" which is famous for Dick Van Dyke's curious Cockney/London accent. However as it progressed it rapidly developed into "Spring Time For Hitler" for the 1968 film "The Producers" and stayed there.
Without a hint of irony "Spring Time For Hitler" seems to have been the main inspiration behind Poland's 2014 entry "We Are Slavic."
As such the opening sequence to the second semi-final was significantly less open to interpretation than the first semi-final.
At around 17:25 on 17/5/16 (UK date) I think we're all beginning to realise why I wanted to knock the majority of this out on Sunday and Monday.
Edited at around 19:30 on 17/5/16 (UK date) to add a little bit above. And below;
Poland: This year they were represented by Michal Szpak. Although my limited keyboard could never do true justice to his name he should be instantly recognisable to UK viewers. After all he reached the final of the "X-Factor" in 2011. He was only beaten into second place by Alexandra Burke.
For a few brief months Alexandra Burke was promoted as "The British Beyonce." However following singles such as "Broken Heels" she is currently playing the Whitney Houston role in "The Bodyguard" in London's theatre district. Providing a wedding, christening or bar mitzvah doesn't suddenly become available.
As such Szpak is very white Poland's reference to the black music.
After all when right-wing parties such as UKIP in famously multicultural Britain complain about immigrants - particularly in reference to the upcoming referendum on European Union (EU) membership - they're not talking about ethnic minorities but white, Christian immigrants from EU member states such as Poland. If you are a white, EU immigrant the moment you arrive in the UK you instantly become; "Polish."
However as a UK resident I feel I should point out that of late ISIL really haven't doing Muslims any favours.
But invoking not only Beyonce but also Whitney Houston as she relates to Rihanna and Chris Brown Poland is very firmly mocking the black US Presidency of Barack Obama.
The title of the song; "The Color of Your Life" is intended as an apology to Russia over Shamali Province. Simply put the message being; "We're sorry. We know you're not a white supremacist nation. Unlike someone we could mention."
This is further emphasised by the fact that Szpak is a fluent Russian speaker. In fact he won the main "Golden Samovar" at the 2013 Russian Song Contest in Zielona Góra, Poland. The fact that Poland holds an annual Russian Song Contest is testament that Poland has a large ethnically Russian population. Much like Shamali Province did before the US-back junta seized control.
Amongst other achievements Szpak appeared at the 2011 "Orange Festival" in Warsaw. Although I can't pretend I'm familiar with it I strongly suspect this was put on by the global telecommunications company "Orange" in a play on the 2004/5 "Orange Revolution." That of course was the US' previous attempt to invade Ukraine.
A cynic could suggest that the 2014 invasion was merely an elaborate US attempt to break one of the leaders of the Orange revolution - Yulia Tymoshenko - out of prison. Due to the epic levels of theft from the Ukrainian people prison is exactly where Yulia Tymoshenko belongs.
"Orange" of course could also be interpreted as a reference to the Dutch Royal Family as it relates to either the MH17 crash or the Northern Irish Troubles.
At the 2011 Orange Festival Szpak opened for the British band Skunk Anansie. The lead singer of Skunk Anansie - Deborah Dyer (AKA; "Skin") was recently caught in the middle of the very controversial March 19th (19/3/16) bombing in the Taksim district of the Turkish city of Istanbul. This comes on the heels of her being caught in the middle of the murder of British backpacker Katherine Horton in Thailand on January 1st 2006 (1/1/06).
Although I don't think that Skin from Skunk Anansie is an MI6 agent I'm pretty sure she's starting to develop a complex about it. After all after falling out of the spotlight at the end of the 1990's all this rich, famously bisexual black woman seems to do with her time is smoke a lot of marijuana and go on holiday.
Compared to the rather spectacular nature of Michal Szpak's biography the song itself seems to be distinctly lacking in effort.
Featuring lyrics like; "Fame and gold are nothing – you can be sure // When there is no love in your heart" it is a very clear message to Shamali Province that they have not been given permission to compete this year because the Eurovision community approves of them. However the slow, droning ballad is completely lacking of the pizazz and enthusiasm of 2014's 'Spring Time For Hitler.'
What really drives home the lack of effort is the video. This is set in a vast sprawling forest (I assume the famous Primeval Forest) and features a man spending a lot of time standing alone on top of what seems like a very small castle.
However in the background of one scene you can clearly see one of those tourist information boards/maps that are common at most tourist attractions. Although I know that probably several days of location scouting went into finding this 'mistake' it is intended to give the impression that absolutely no effort has gone into this whatsoever.
This was the Polish Eurovision team registering a protest against the increasingly fascist Law & Justice Party (PiS) Polish government. The message that seems to translate universally is; "Oh look, Kaczynski's been told he's got to oppose the Nazis. He's not putting much effort in though is he."
This sub-theme was amplified late on Thursday (12/5/16) when footage from April 19th (19/4/16) emerged of a Polish train driver heroic rushing along his train to warn passengers they were about to crash into a truck that had become stuck on a level crossing.
Although it carried with it connotations of the August 21st 2015 (21/8/15) Thalys train attack this seemed intended to provoke the response; "Oh. So when there's a chance of Nazis getting hurt suddenly Kaczynski's full of energy."
However with it being clear that the UK and now France are very much on my naughty list this year I think I should make clear that this was aimed at a domestic Polish audience. Rather than being an attempt to pierce the bubble in which the Song Contest operates.
So quite how the jury voting which took place on Friday (13/5/16) evening/night got from there to everyone voting for Shamali Province is hard to justify. During Mental Health Awareness week the UK seems to be very much pushing the idea of the stress of the situation causing some sort of mass psychotic break.
However if you are familiar with the extremely paranoid inner workings of the Song Contest bubble you would know that we can't totally rule out the possibility that it might all have been an extremely elaborate joke at my expense.
As a final note during both of his performances Szpak wore a red military style jacket. This was intended as a reference to Napoleonic era military uniforms and therefore the BBC's recent "War & Peace" adaptation.
After all if a French or German Emperor wants to have a crack at a Russian Emperor or vice versa historically they've to go through Poland. The black fringe epaulets were a reference to the black Eagle of the Albanian flag. And therefore the Greater Albania movement.
I think you can kind of see why UKIP supporters are so worried about Poles coming over here to compete for British jobs.
21:30 on 17/5/16 (UK date).
Edited at around 14:50 on 21/5/16 (UK date) to add: I've just worked out the full Simpsons reference.
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