Sooo, A Relaxing Couple of Days.

For Christmas my sister gave me an Amazon Fire wi-fi tablet.

This sounds luxurious until you realise that Amazon sell these devices at a massive loss as a way to up-sell customers their online retail services such as Amazon Prime. As a result in the UK they retail for around £70. A packet of cigarettes costs about £10.

The first problem is that much like a long line of wi-fi enabled devices before it this new tablet is incapable of connecting to my home wi-fi.

As you probably know even if you haven't realised it in order to connect to secure wi-fi network a device has to send an authorisation code to the network - basically a passcode. The Internet Service Provider's (ISP) network then checks the code is authentic before granting or denying the device access to the network.

Unfortunately my ISP has been hacked to prevent it from verifying the authentication code in order to stop me using multiple devices on my Internet connection.

Essentially this is the same problem experienced by customers of the UK bank "Natwest" yesterday (1/1/16) when it's payments network was unable to verify customer's Personal Identification Numbers (PIN's) against their electronic payment cards.

It is also essentially the same problem that affected "Oyster" cards on London's public transport network this morning.

If you are not familiar with what an Oyster card is it probably sounds like something taken straight from the pages of a sci-fi novel about a dystopian future.

Certainly since the September 11th 2001 (11/9/01) terror attacks the UK security establishment has been trying to introduce national identity cards but have been blocked by civil liberties campaigners. So instead they introduced contactless smartcards - named "Oyster" - which you need to access London's public transport network.

This of course allows the security services to track in real time the movements of Londoners as they go about their daily business. Officially you don't need to register your Oyster card in your name and address but you are strongly encouraged to do so.

Since it was introduced in 2003 the Oyster system has been gradually expanded. I think it was at the start of 2014 that it became the only way that you could access buses in London. Ever since then whenever someone who lives outside of London has visited me the following conversation has taken place;

Them: "Shall we get the bus, it's only what £3?"

Me: "Yes but, first we've got to find an railway station where staff are on duty. Then you've got to pay £5 for the card and another £10 to put some credit on it."

Them: "F*ck it, we'll just take the car."

Apparently this year there are plans to make the Oyster system the only way to access both the underground and overground railway networks doing away with paper tickets entirely. Although the technology is new and shiny I think they might want to think that one through a bit.

After all I can think of no reason why an another why sane person would want to use a contactless bank card.

Another thing that's slightly controversial about Oyster cards it that out of sheer laziness I don't have one and therefore cannot catch a bus into Croydon town centre. A visit to Croydon town centre isn't really worth the effort of finding a staffed railway station to by an Oyster card. Particularly as due to the Crown's continued refusal to settle its debts I'm operating on something of a tight budget.

The other problem with this new tablet is that displaying his usual understanding of boundaries my father seems to be under the impression that he's been given an new tablet for Christmas. As a result he's sitting there constantly trying to connect the thing to wi-fi and constantly failing.

What he's yet to notice is that I've switched the new tablet for one that's so old it still uses a stylus. Mind you he's failed to notice that tablet sitting next to him on the table throughout the past five years he's been going; "Shall we get a tablet."

What's annoying about this is that while he's gormlessly hammering away at what is a somewhat sensitive diplomatic issue I'm forced to make statements like this one apologising for him.

In the first instance this feels like I'm going; "Come One Burglars, you know the police have given you permission!"

Worse then that though it sort of starts a whispering campaign around my sister saying that I think the present she gave me was rubbish.

That couldn't be further from the truth. It's actually a very thoughtful and generous gift.

It's just one that assumes we live in a world where David Cameron's a competent Prime Minister and BBC News tells the truth. 

15:40 on 2/1/16 (UK date).