B*llocks to it: Here's CBBUK.

Or at least it is until I get bored.

Here in the UK we have a show called "Celebrity Big Brother (CBB)." Based on an idea by the Dutch TV company "Endemol" this sees a number of what are politely termed "celebrities" locked in a house for around a month so the shows production company can mess with their heads for our viewing pleasure.

As you may have suspected I am rather interesting in this grand spectacle of people watching. So much so the fact that I've not been able to watch the previous two (2015) seasons due to the ongoing war against the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) has been a source of great personal anguish,

However rather then being respectful of that the producers of the season which has started this evening have decided to get drunk and start a fight.

This has taken the form of booking American no-mark Jonathan Cheban simply because he is a celebrity friend of Kim Kardashian. As I am apparently Twitter friends with Kim Kardashian I am no doubt going to get no end of earache from her to blog about how Mr - I've forgotten his name already - is doing on the show.

I think though we should all support Mr Cheban because no matter how early he gets voted off the show he has already agreed to donate twice his appearance fee to a good cause. I suggest something to do with Syrian refugees.

The CBB producers will of course argue that they are already attempting to support a good cause in the form of Daniella Westbrook.

For those not familiar Ms Westbrook she was moderately famous in the mid-1990's in the BBC soap-opera "Eastenders." This modicum of fame led to her snorting so much cocaine that her nose (septum) literally fell out. This was just the start of a downfall that saw her going bankrupt numerous times and accidentally giving birth to various children by various different fathers.

In order to pay off massive debts Ms Westbrook tried to appear on the January 2015 season of CBB but failed the psychological assessment. I'm not saying that the CBB psychological assessment sets a really low bar but in that season they let in Jeremy Jackson only for him to have a complete meltdown sexually assaulting a fellow contestant and being deported from the country in disgrace.

However they still took one look at Daniella Westbrook and went; "No."

Therefore I think we should be grateful that in the ensuing 12 months Ms Westbrook has now recovered to the point that the show's medics have been prepared to give her a chance. Not least because the fact she's decided to attend dressed as Rita Ora suggests that as the bitchiness of "Dry January" rises we might get to witness a full blown psychotic episode live on screen.

As for the rest of them we've got;

Gemma Collins: A fat blonde waste of oxygen from a structured reality show known as "The Only Way Is Essex (TOWIE)." I don't watch it myself but I gather that amongst the lonely fat women who watch the show in between shovelling handfuls of crisps (chips) into their mouths she is considered something of a hero.

Therefore the producers have decided to include her in the hope of depriving some of those poor souls of their money much the same way as Ms Collins has decided to do with her odious plus size fashion line.

Seriously I have to Remember All These Names: The Gemma Collins model has been followed with:

Some skinny bint for the structured reality show "Love Island." - She looks a bit like that Vikky Pattison girl who won the most recent season of "I'm a Celebrity." She may get her tits out but I doubt it.

Some skinny bint from the soap-opera "Hollyoaks" who got fired for being too drunk to work. She may get her tits out but see above.

One of the boys of the structured reality show "Geordie Shore." That Pattison girl was also in Geordie Shore so clearly there's money in it. However if I found myself living in Newcastle I'd be saving every penny to escape to somewhere nice. Like Syria.

Some Irish shite who claims to be a male model. However his decision to have a butterfly tattooed on his throat indicates indicates that he has so little understanding of the visual arts that as soon as the first wrinkle appears he's done. He's apparently already been reduced to appearing of CBB.

Tiffany Pollard: Another of the US impositions Ms Pollard is apparently famous for appearing on the US structured reality show "The Flava of Love."

This is a show centred around William Jonathan Drayton Jr (AKA: Flava Flav) who is a crack cocaine addict from the streets of New York City.

Unfortunately he grew up around four talented friends - Carlton Douglas Ridenhour (AKA: Chuck D), Richard Griffin (AKA: Professor Griff), Khari Wynn and Lord Aswod (AKA: DJ Lord) - who allowed him to ride along in their popular hip-hop band "Public Enemy." This enabled Mr Drayton Jr to buy and smoke a lot more crack.

After soiling himself many times the US VH1 network decided to pay Mr Drayton Jr to appear on the Flava of Love show alongside Ms Pollard. Unfortunately this just provided him with more money to buy and smoke a lot more crack.

Therefore Ms Pollards role in CBB is that of a crack whore with a bad weave.

Demonstrating that if US President Obama wishes to export his Black Lies Matter campaign internationally he may meet resistance we also have Winston McKenzie.

Mr McKenzie is somewhat notorious around my local area. He first rose to prominence in as a somewhat promising middle-weight boxer. After being forced to retire he ran a pub and boxing gym on behalf of his older brother Clinton McKenzie. I believe it was known and the "William IV" but being indigenous I always knew it as; "The blue one, opposite Thornton Heath clocktower."

This pub was of course a front for the sale of cocaine in various forms. The trainee boxers were of course muscle to enforce debts. Eventually it got to the point they were selling crack cocaine openly on the street outside which triggered a lot of local protest.

However the police always responded; "They pay their dues to the Whitgift Estate, so what can we do?!"

Eventually though the protests forced the police to raid the pub where they found a lot of cocaine but just one, half-empty , 24 bottle case of Stella Artois beer. This prompted the building to be seized and in a sop to the protests they knocked it down and built a police station on the site.

This is where the infamous Bensham Manor Safer Neighbourhoods Team (SNT) is currently based. However you'd struggle to notice because it's covered in apartments who all pay much bigger dues to the Whitgift Estate.

Rather proving that we never stop paying dues to the Crown Mr McKenzie is probably most recently famous as a candidate for the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP).

I think the dynamic between McKenzie, Pollard and Westbrook could prove interesting.

The Intelligentsia: Amid the drop outs and wash outs there is a small group of quality on CBB. This includes;

Kristina Rihanoff - A classically trained Russian dancer off of "Strictly Come Dancing." If I need to say more the BBC's Strictly is a desperate attempt to get the dole scum who watch ITV's "X-Factor" interested in something at least resembling culture. I really missed the last season but apparently ISIL just aren't that into dancing.

David Gest - Apparently auditioning for the role of the World's biggest Jew Gest is the former manager of Liza Minnelli and close, personal friend of Micheal Jackson while that vile paedophile was being separated from his money. As a result there's clearly more going on in that brain then the awful plastic surgery would suggest.

Angie Bowie - Former wife and manger of pop-star David Bowie who now works as a journalist she clearly knows the business. 

Nancy Dell'olio - Probably most famous as Sven Goren Erikisson I gather she is also an internationally certified trade lawyer who speaks four languages. So not stupid if more than a little needy.

It will be interesting to see who is brought into the Intelligentsia's sphere influence. I think the most likely candidates are;

John Partridge: A super gay actor who resembles Dr Christian Jessen from the Channel 4 show "Embarrassing Bodies." Made famous from a stint in Eastenders playing the illicit gay lover of a Muslim man he is no doubt well versed in the legend of Ms Westbook's downfall.

Darren Day:  A journey man of the UK entertainment industry he has done everything from musical theatre to pantomime, daytime presenting and serious(ish) acting. He used to date Isla Fisher the Australian born actress who is no doubt grateful that her current husband - Sacha Baron Cohen - was prepared to donate USD1m to Syrian refugees partly in her name.

It turns out writing about it is nowhere near as boring as actually watching it.

00:35 on 6/1/16 (UK date).