You can say what you like about the Great British Establishment

But they're terrible at theatre.

Over the last number of god knows how many weeks and months we in Britain have been labouring under the weight of the agonising awful performance of the Princess Diana inquest.

Yesterday this peaked in the highlight of Mohammed Al-Fayed appearing in front of the court to calmly explain to us all how rather then being killed in a simple car crash Princess Diana and Dodi Al-Fayed were in fact killed as part of a very elaborate and well thought out conspiracy hatched by Prince Phillip, the Queen and Prince Charles and executed by MI6 with the full co-operation of France's secret service, the DGSE, America's CIA along with the French police service, the French medical service and the French legal system.

To his eternal credit Mr Al-Fayed did take full advantage of the old British legal rule that you cannot slander in court using his testimony to label the British Royal family a "Dracula Family" which he alleged was run by Prince Phillip who is "A Frankenstein, a racist and a Nazi who should be sent back to Germany" odd, not least because Prince Phillip is Greek. He also added that Prince Charles was an evil man who went along with the plot so he could marry Camilla, his "crocodile bride".

Sadly though for Mr Al-Fayed rather then believing his perfectly rational claim that Princess Diana was in fact pregnant and had decided to secretly to inform him personally of this fact long before she even let her uterus know wasn't believed by the judge, the jury, the public gallery, the press or indeed his own legal team leading him to get a little bit upset and label all these people to be MI6 agents who were part of the conspiracy.

Obviously though this led today's press to ask the question of whether or not Mr Al-Fayed was in fact just a little bit mental. The answer to this is that of course he is because all the evidence would suggest that Princess Diana and his son Dodi were killed in a simple car crash brought about by the fact that he'd filled his security team with nothing but yes men and as a result when push came to shove his mistakes killed his son the sort of thing that causes the heady mix of guilt and grief that sometimes make people abandon all rationality.

Just in case there is actually anybody on the planet who still believes that Princess Diana was killed by the British security services may I put your minds at rest and assure you that wasn't. The first clue should be the fact that Princess Diana is actually dead meaning that the plot was successful completely negating the involvement of British Intelligence because in my experience that lot struggle to pull themselves off let alone something of that magnitude.

Personally I would have thought rather then indulging all this nonsense in a very expensive and quite damaging circus it would have been much cheaper and much more humane to Mr Al-Fayed for the Princes to sue him for causing the death of their mother because at least that way he would be forced to face his own demons.

Now rather dull and expensive theatrics aside it is time to return to my favourite subject of all time, ME!

Obviously being me there is absolutely nothing of interest going on in my life, well there is but that's all a bit delicate and fiddly so it would just be careless of me to tell you about it on the internet. The highlights of my week so far is that I have finally managed to get my haircut which is good because I've had to wait until that nasty cut on my scalp healed up. Also I've been to see my doctor and you know I'm still not mad enough but I would like to clear one thing up;

I do not have eczema. That rash I've got up my arms is in fact an allergic reaction, but don't worry it's not catching, it is simply an allergic reaction to boredom because like most people I get the occasional spot and in growing hair but unlike most other people who are permitted to have jobs, social lives, sex lives and significant others and just exfoliate I choose to break up the great expanse of nothing that is my life at the moment by picking and scratching at them and I'm certainly not going to do anything else until the life options I have earned are returned to me.

This great expanse of boredom is not in any way shape or form broken up by the fact that it is currently winter so sorry if it feels like I'm ignoring you but not a lot is going on.

In Pakistan they've just had their parliamentary election and although Musharaf's party made substantial losses no party achieved a clear majority meaning that that Bhutto's PPP party is currently trying to negotiate a coalition with Pakistan’s third party, the PML-N so it's all a bit if's but’s possiblies and maybes. If such a coalition party is formed the PPP element will push very hard for Mursharraf to be impeached. Personally I don't think this is very likely because if the PPP manage to convince the PML-N that this needs to be done they still need to convince their American backers that allowing the PPP carte-blanche or the country in going to further America's interest in the region. That said it is however possible but we'll have to wait and see until the coalition in any with get off the ground.

Either way though I don't think any outcome will make much difference because governments can change all they like but until people change there is going to be very little difference so Pakistan will probably hover around a dictatorship for a time to come yet with the northern region on the Afghan border remaining on the fringes of government control raising the possibility that the new government will allow American forces to operate in the country but that's a bridge quite a way in the future.

There is of course also the American election primaries bundling along but that also is not going to produce an answer for another couple of months and reading back this post is now soooooo long and rambling I can't really be bothered to go into that yet.