The 2016 Eurovision Song Contest: The Stand Outs. Pt.3

A continuation of Part 2; http://watchitdie.blogspot.co.uk/2016/06/the-2016-eurovision-song-contest-stand_6.html

The Netherlands: The big idea behind their idea was nostalgia. Nostalgia for a bygone era before technology and fast food when life was simpler. What went unspoken though was the phrase; "Before all the immigrants turned up."

In the early stages of the video in support of the song Douwe Bob and his band are seen sitting on the steps of an early 20th Century building wearing suits in a very 1960/70's style. Around them in sped up footage hectic life goes on in the modern Dutch city which I assume is Amsterdam. You know they spent an entire day filming that street scene to make sure they could capture footage of an Asian woman wearing an Islamic hijab.

The first 5 seconds of the song features a very loud ticking clock. It would be very easy to interpreted this as the ticking clock of a timebomb in reference to the threat of Islamist terrorism. However I think it was also intended as a reference to what is termed the; "Population Timebomb."

Most societies - not just the capitalist ones - rely on a population shaped like a pyramid. At the top of that pyramid you have a small number of very old citizens who are too old to work and often require complex medical and social care. They are supported at the base of the pyramid by a large number of young healthy workers who pay the pensions and healthcare costs of the older generation.

The problem is that in many western societies healthcare has improved to the point that there is now a much larger number of very old citizens at the top of the pyramid. At the same increased use birth control and longer periods in education and employment before people choose to have children means that the number of younger workers at the base of the pyramid is shrinking.

With the top of the pyramid becoming much larger and the bottom becoming much smaller the whole thing is in danger of collapsing in on itself.

Obviously no elected politicians is going to turn around and tell the cancer lobby that for the good of humanity they really need to stop whining. So in order to stop them collapsing in on themselves western societies need to import large numbers of young workers from abroad to shore up the base of the pyramid. These people are sometimes referred to as "Immigrants" or more accurately "Economic Immigrants."

Unfortunately as with the cancer lobby western political leaders hate making this pro-immigration argument to voters. After all when things are going badly the immigrants make a convenient scapegoat for less than talented politicians.

The prime example is Britain's National Health Service (NHS). Particularly in the run-up to the referendum on membership of the European Union (EU) the problems in the NHS are apparently nothing to do with a right-wing government that is ideologically opposed to the NHS and is therefore starving it of money in order to cause it to fail. Instead it's all the fault of the immigrants.

Being in desperate need of economic migrants but being unwilling to make that argument to voters has led to many political leaders - particularly in the EU - to cheat the Asylum system for refugees. So rather than issuing more work permits to economic migrants governments have been falsely admitting them as refugees. This allows them to claim to voters that there is nothing they can do to stop these poor wretched souls in need of refugee.

This widespread institutionalised abuse of the asylum system has been going on for years.

Although I think Angela Merkel's shambolic response to the current refugee crisis has been largely driven by a complete lack of thought rather than some sinister master plan this has certainly been a factor in her curious behaviour.

Of the EU nations Germany is probably most in need to economic migrants therefore Merkel seems to have spied a way to import these migrants while pretending she's nation a compassionate stand for those whose lives have been destroyed by war. There actually seems to be a bit of an argument brewing because under the migrant deal Turkey is sending the EU to absolute dregs of society rather than the highly skilled economic migrants Merkel wants.

With Europe now facing an actual refugee crisis these years of lying an cheating have really come home to roost. With EU governments refusing to make any distinction between economic migrants and legitimate refugees EU voters haven't either leading to much opposition to refugees.

Fortunately this is slowly starting to change as people come to understand the difference between economic migrants from place like Albania and Syrians who are literally running away from psychopaths with assault rifles who've burnt down their homes.

So not bad going for the first 5 seconds then.

The title of the Dutch song "Slow Down" is one of those wonderful Song Contest statements that can mean numerous different things to numerous different people.

When voters in EU states complain about immigrants they're not really talking about illegal economic migrants. Nor are they really talking about refugees. Instead they're talking about citizens of other EU states that are migrating perfectly legally under the EU's free movement of peoples policies including but not limited to the Schengen passport free zone.

In theory this is a wonderful idea. It allows young workers from nations with high unemployment to migrate to countries in order to help them prop up the base of their pyramid. It also allows older people to retire to more pleasant countries where their pensions and savings go further.

The problem though is the frantic speed at which the EU is constantly expanding.

This means that no sooner has a nation like the UK had to come to terms with a massive wave of Polish immigrants it's forced to come to terms with a massive wave of Lithuanian immigrants. Before British voters have had time to absorb those Polish and Lithuanian migrants they're being forced to come to terms with a massive wave of Romanian migrants. Although they weren't represented this year Romania's entry last year was largely a plea for all their young workers to return.

Despite what the vote remain campaigners in the UK referendum are claiming we're soon going to be forced to absorb a massive wave of Turkish immigrants. Due to the lunacy of Merkel the EU is going to accept Turkey into the Schengen zone long before they ever become a member of the EU. This is likely to be announced a week after the referendum.

Driven particularly by the immigration issue on April 7th (7/4/16) the Netherlands held a referendum on the association agreement between the EU and Shamali Province (nee; Ukraine). In this referendum Dutch voters decided to reject this association agreement. However demonstrating why people are starting to a get more than a bit p*ssed off with the EU the EU decided to reject the referendum result and press ahead with the association agreement anyway.

In this context "Slow Down" sounds like a desperate plea to the EU to at least suspend its desperate quest for new members. It is a particularly sharp insult to Shamali Province.

"Slow Down" could also be interpreted as a bit of friendly advice to nations like Russia and Israel. As I've said before the challenge for those nations isn't to come up with an idea for a Eurovision entry. Instead the challenge is to then dumb down that idea to the point that mere mortals can understand it.

In that context "Slow Down" sounds like the Netherlands going to Russia; "We're really sorry about the MH17 nonsense and we want you to win this year. However for that to happen you have to slow it down so people can at least understand some of your entry."

The "Slow Down" could also have been a warning to people like me.

Although it's not something I would ever contemplate doing in theory I could spend the week running up to the contest going through all the entries and writing up my analysis. I could then post that analysis at the start of the opening gala. Thus killing the competition stone dead.

Instead what I try to do is gently help things along by dropping in coded and cryptic hints. However the challenge then is not to be too cryptic or too coded. Particularly if I've had an *ahem* drink. The majority of the video was set in a bar. There the patrons were shown sipping from glasses of beer that are significantly smaller than the pints that are served in British pubs and I have a tendency to almost inhale.

Despite a concerted effort on my part and the Dutch advice I am becoming increasingly worried that I did make quite a serious mistake this year.

The jury vote for the Grand Final takes place on Friday afternoon/evening following the full dress rehearsal. During this time I was writing about how Norway's entry referenced ABBA's victory in the 1974 competition. This of course was the year that the Song Contest was used to trigger the overthrow of Portugal's fascist dictator Marcello Caetano. I'm worried that might have inspired the juries to try and award victory to Shamali Province in sort of a frenzy of political activism.

What I perhaps should have made more clear is that throughout late 1973 and early 1974 the intelligence agencies of the NATO nations - including Portugal - had been meeting to decide that it was time for Caetano to go. They then chose the Song Contest as a way to make that happen. On this occasion Eurovision seems to be demanding that Europe's intelligence agencies go off and fix Shamali Province. That is something they've been trying to do for a couple of years now without much success. The extra pressure of the Song Contest is unlikely to help.

The style of the song was very much Country music. Although originally from the US this style of music is actually quite popular in the Netherlands. In 2014 the Netherlands were represented by the Common Linnets with a similar country style song that had already been a big hit. 

Country music is also quite popular in other Eurovision nations - particularly the Republic of Ireland. Recently a Country music channel started broadcasting on my TV package. Seeing it on the program guide I remember thinking that I probably won't watch it but at least it will give me an idea of what's going on when Fox News started obsessing about the annual Country Music Awards. It turns out though this channel is the most Irish channel ever. Somehow managing to be even more Irish than another channel called "Irish TV."

With Douwe Bob standing there in a country style suit playing a country style song on his country style guitar it was easy to start speculating about what other famous male country stars he resembled. The obvious choice of course would be the genre transcending Johnny Cash.

However Johnny Cash's big thing was that he always appeared in a black suit and often a black shirt too. Hence the nickname; "The Man in Black." In the video Douwe Bob was wearing a pinkish/brown suit so I think he was quite clearly signalling that he wasn't referencing Johnny Cash.

It is more likely that he was referencing another country star Conway Twitty who made a signature of wearing quite outlandish pink suits. He will be familiar to fans of the US TV show "Family Guy." It's a running joke of theirs that they randomly cutaway to old TV footage of Conway Twitty performances.

Conway Twitty also regularly tops polls of the best song title ever for a duet he did with Loretta Lynn entitled; "You're the Reason Our Kids are Ugly." Along with the references to the need to slow down EU expansion and the recent referendum on the subject that sounds like a major insult to Shamali Province.

Douwe Bob could also have been referencing Hank Williams who has returned to public attention through the biopic "I Saw the Light" in which he is played - badly by all accounts - by British actor Tom Hiddleston. 

Tom Hiddleston recently starred in the British TV show "The Night Manager." The central story to The Night Manager are attempts to illegally smuggle weapons from a terrorist training camp in Turkey across the border into the hands of terrorists in northern Syria. I really have no idea where they got their inspiration from. 

As part of this conspiracy they refer to these weapons as "Agricultural Equipment." One particular type of weapon is referred to as; "A Combine Harvester." There is an Irish rebel song called "Kinky Boots" that is set to the tune of the Wurzels song; "I've Got a Brand New Combine Harvester." It was about an hour after making reference to that song in relation to the war in Syria I sat down to watch the first episode of The Night Manager. The look on my face.

During his semi-final and Grand Final performances Douwe Bob chose to wear a blue suit almost exactly like the one Tom Hiddlestone wears in The Night Manager. Just in case there was anyone not familiar with the I Saw the Light movie.

I really hope that for his live performances Douwe Bob didn't have a rose tattooed on his throat in specific reference to the Dropkick Murphy's video "Rose Tattoo" that I elaborately used to mock Mans Zelmerlow last year.

At around 17:10 on 7/6/16 (UK date) I try and be back to do Malta after dinner. After all they are good. But tiny.

Edited at around 19:15 on 7/6/16 (UK date) to add;

Malta: This year they were represented by Ira Losco who is a massive star in Malta.

Apart from finishing second in the 2002 contest she has released 5 albums, received 20 awards and opened concerts for the likes of Elton John, Katie Melua, Maroon 5 and Enrique Iglesias to name but a few. Unfortunately Malta is a very small island. So despite all of this success the chances are that very few people outside of Malta have heard of her.

In their Grand Final performance the Maltese made a joke of this. At the start of the performance they projected an animation of Ira Losco's massive face onto the stage. This was so big it seemed to resemble a small island. It's quite hard not to giggle at that sort of thing.

This year's song "Walk on Water" was very clearly about the migrant crisis. Particularly migrants from Africa trying to make their way to the EU across the Mediterranean Sea. 

However it is also a reference to the miracle of Jesus Christ walking on water that is detailed in the Gospels of Matthew, Mark and John in the New Testament of the Bible. Although there isn't a definitive image depicting this miracle in art most representations feature Jesus wearing white robes with a red sash. In the video in support of the song Ira Losco is shown wearing a similar looking white diamond and red cloth dress.

In 2013 2,204 migrants claimed asylum or refugee status in Malta. In 2014 the figure was 1,280. In 2015 it was 1,692. Already in 2016 494 people have applied for refugee status and that is before the summer migration season fully gets under way. These figures do not include the roughly 4,000 unidentified people that the Maltese coast guard are recovering dead from the sea each year.

Based on 2013 figures the nation of Malta has a population of 423,282 people. As a result due to the migration crisis alone Malta has seen its population increase by 1.2%. That might not sound like much but with a population of around 64 million the UK only pledged to accept 20,000 refugees by 2020 - roughly 0.03% of the population.

As such this is Malta as a majority Christian country posing the question of whether it is un-Christian or un-Charitable of them to plead for just the relentless onslaught of migrants and corpses to stop.

However elsewhere in the Eurovision area you have nations such as Poland who are refusing to accept any refugees because they don't want Muslims undermining the Christian character of their nation. Quite how Poles and Hungarians interpret Malta's invocation of Christianity is likely to be quite revealing about those nations attitudes towards refugees.

Following the first semi-final in which they appear I might have given the impression I was annoyed that Malta had gone through to the Grand Final. Nothing could have been further from the truth. 

In that first semi-final in particular having decided that for political reasons nations such Armenia, Azerbaijan and Russia absolutely had to be included in the final it became extremely tough to decide then who shouldn't go through. Rather than choosing the worst contestants it genuinely became a case of identifying the least best. And even that had to be done on some pretty spurious reasons.

Personally though if the decision was entirely up to me and we absolutely had to get rid of someone I would have preferred Bosnia & Herzegovina go through rather than Malta. That was simply because that all the other former Yugoslav republics and the Czech Republic had connected their entries to Bosnia & Herzegovina in some way.

As such they helped to explain the general themes of the contest to final viewers more than Malta did.

20:10 on 7/6/16 (UK date).