I've Got a Confession To Make.

After spending six months curled up in a corner eating crisps I've decided it's time to get back to somewhere vaguely close to fighting fit and go back to the gym. Even this small and gradual re-introduction to the world of exercise has caused all the muscles from the top of my neck down to the tips of my toes to walk out in solidarity chanting "Ha, you though you could forget about us, you bastard!" while jabbing me violently in the ribs. I guess that means it's time for an update on national bullshit month. So far this week has brought us;

• Multiple stories about my release. These include the story of a Muslim terrorism suspect who is fighting extradition to the USA. He successfully sued the police for assault and was awarded £60,000. There was also a story about a compulsive liar who was freed after spending 27 years in prison for a crime he did not commit. Both of these stories are designed to give the impression that Britain has either granted my release or is seriously considering it. I've been in contact with the relevant authorities and they are showing no sign of movement on the issue.

• Mother advertises for a sex partner for her disabled son. The mother of an adult son with Downs Syndrome is advertising for a woman to have sex with him to give him a physical experience. The son's had his hair and glasses done to look a bit like me and the message of the story is as obvious as it is childish.

• The Pope's Visited Africa. He did this to boost the profile of the Catholic church on the continent. While he was there someone asked him to repeat his churches view on condoms. The Popes response sparked a debate about the spread of AIDs in Africa and wider debate on religion because the dominant faith in Africa is European Protestantism rather the Catholicism. In response Britain decided to add further confusion to the debate by releasing a story about William Tudor, a butcher in South Wales accused of causing an E.Coli outbreak.

• Josef Fritzl Found Guilty in Austria. This is a long running story and the only thing of note is that Fritzl cut short proceedings by changing his plea mid-trial and was rewarded by being sentenced to life in a psychiatric hospital rather then a prison. Britain is desperately trying to cast me as Fritzl but the cipher for this story is well worked. Fritzl is Amy's birth father, the dark, dank dungeon is Bristol and the rape is Anna. Personally I think that's a little harsh on Amy's father because New Labour/MI5 were the controlling mind in the Bristol Abuse case (BAC) drip feeding him horror stories until he was so paranoid he would accept what ever conditions were imposed.

• Israel critically injure International Solidarity Movement (ISM) Activist. Not strictly speaking a new event but new details have emerged about the ISM activist shot on Friday 13/3/09. Tristan Anderson was a 38 year old, Los Angles based activist. As a veteran of multiple tours of Palestine with ISM he was well known to both the US and Israeli security services making it highly unlikely that he was shot by accident. Anderson was probably targeted to ensure close communication between the US State Department and the Israeli equivalent while Obama picks his officials, Israel picks it's government and the world prepares for the G20 summit.

• Natasha Richardson Killed in Canada. Normally I would just write this off as a terrible accident because killing a high profile white person is not something Britain would risk doing even through a Commonwealth proxy. However a quick look at Ms Richardson's biography reveals that she rejected British citizenship in favour of a US passport and starred in film called the Parent Trap alongside a Ms Lindsey Lohan. This coupled with the fact it is incredibly easy to give someone a brain hemorrhage leaves me in little doubt that this was an assassination carried out by Britain to terrify the Hollywood liberals, strain US/Canadian relations, heap pressure on President Obama and generally cause panic ahead of the G20 summit. On that final point some of you may be aware that from a certain angle Ms Richardson looks an awful lot like a girl I used to know called Alice. I lost contact with her when the Bristol Abuse Case kicked in but I've heard on the grapevine that she'd been recruited by the Brits, started calling herself Natasha and has been floundering badly in her new life. I offer my sympathy to Ms Richardson's family and as with the Zimbabwe car crash my best advice is for everyone to leave them alone and let them get on with it.

There's probably quite a few stories I've missed out but the G20 summit is still two weeks away and the Brits are fighting like their lives depend on it so the violence will probably only intensify before then.