I'll try and put this in terms that the British Government can understand

So excuse me if I sound like an absolute cock.

The geographies of urban crime within Croydon reveal an interesting offender profile. There is a very clear split between poor, high crime areas in the northern wards such as Thornton Heath and rich, low crime wards in the South. The Council's official public relations publications and it's unofficial ones like the local paper go to great lengths to explain this away in terms of deprivation of differences in the proportions of non-white residents. The real cause however is something called tolerance policing. This is often seen in the drugs game when local police and local authorities identify a drug dealer and tolerate his activities on the understanding that he will in turn minimise associated violent crime like burglary, mugging and turf wars. For a number of years Croydon Council have been doing a similar thing with burglary. This means they are allowing a certain man to break-into any homes he likes in the North of the borough on the understanding he doesn't break into any of the rich people's homes in the south of the borough where most of the council live.

This guy is our old friends Linda's ex-common law husband and was resident in Linda's council house at the time the first wave of break-ins at my grandmothers house occurred. Then because he's a wife beating streak of piss the relationship broke down and he was forced to move to another council property in South Croydon from where he launched a campaign of intimidation against his ex. This forced Linda to contact the local police for protection. They turned round and offered some help on the condition she continued the break-ins against my grandmother so she got her sons and their friends to continue the intimidation. When it became clear this behaviour would elicit a response the ex started up again in the hope that I would be used as a proxy to beat up Linda. This caused me to hold fire and Croydon Council to move Linda for a brief time on the grounds she was being harassed by this violent ex-partner. After he'd been forced to go to ground for a time he resurfaced to mount the failed attempt to rob my grandmother again. As a builder he is probably responsible for digging up Derek Bentley's headstone and has recently been promising work to Eastern European labourers who are prepared to rob my grandmother's property. Alongside the usual tax evasion and VAT fraud associated with the building trade he has three outstanding arrest warrants on him for, I believe, a driving offence, a theft offence and breach of a Magistrates bail order and is known to the police from local level right the way up to Scotland Yard.

This means that if the government were seriously looking for leverage over Croydon Council they could send in a police firearms team to take his door tonight, leave him to sweat in custody tomorrow, bring him before a Magistrate on Monday morning and have him crying himself to sleep in HMP Belmarsh by Monday night. As MI5 informants, like police infromants are nothing more then weak minded individuals almost always motivated by cowardice this show of force would, in a moment, change the negotiation with Croydon Council from how much money they will be rewarded with for their criminality and ensuing failure into the question of should they be allowed to escape with their lives?

If this doesn't happen I will have no choice then to conclude that Gordon Brown, Peter Mandelson and Jacqui Smith are all individually endorsing Croydon's crime rate in the hope that the ensuing gossip will get Croydon residents to elect a Labour council come the elections in June. This of course won't make the slightest bit of difference because Croydon's nothing more then a massive MI5 internment camp so whoever's in the council there's never going to be a game here to win.

The other question of the weekend is who is going to ruin Jade Goody's wedding because the gay rights for gays brigade despise her for spoiling the arc of their narrative.