My Computer appears to have become allergic to pornography.

It's strange everytime I attempt to log onto a pornographic website, download a pornographic image or video the whole system freezes and shuts down. Obviously I can still download non-pornographic images or videos so it's clearly not a memory problem because lets be honest I don't think a picture of a woman wearing no clothes is going to take up more memory then a picture of a woman wearing clothes . In fact it's almost as if there is some sort of nannying shield blocking out the bits of the Internet the government doesn't want me to see.

Normally you would expect me to avoid a conversation about pornography but you have to understand in a post-feminist society it is actually quite an important talking point which also has a bearing on the legislation and investigative efforts against child pornography and paedophilia and quite frankly this porn block is almost provoking me to go into a long discussion on the issue so you could assume that's why this Internet block exists. That couldn't possibly be true though because we've already established I'm not that stupid.

Of course the other reason for the block could be the belief that if I am cut off from pornography I will build up into such a rage of sexual desire I will instantly fall head over heels in love with the first woman who flashes tits and teeth at me have sex with her, have babies and forget about all this pointing out that the government's a bit shit business.

This impending orgasm of course will be so powerful that it will in an instant destroy all knowledge that foreign intelligence agencies have of Anna, freeing her up for future spying missions. Also it will be so powerful it makes Anna's relationship suddenly sustainable meaning that we no longer need to pump literally thousands of pounds of taxpayers cash into her and her partners respective bank accounts every month in the hope of keeping the dream alive. It will also mean that despite her total lack of qualification in either mental health care, retail or employment brokerage Sadie will suddenly become capable of doing her job at enterprise house and it will be so powerful it will force Mugabe from his presidential palace in a big gooey mess of revenge.

To be honest if the this is the mythical jam of tommorrow you're hoping to save the day then I think you're being a little optomistic but then again I am myself being rather optimistic to believe that it could be the British State who are controlling my computer.

Obviously being that my computer is a British computer connected to a British internet connection sitting in the house of a former agent of the British state you would think those highly trained and well paid bods at GCHQ would be right on top of things. Sadly however in the hacking wars which are becoming ever more important in global espionage efforts the British Security services have found themselves to be rather lacking with their efforts only really being secondary to the efforts of the family (obviously), the USA, China, Canada, Iran, Israel, Russia and quite a few other countries I can't really be bothered to name. So in order to conclude it's British hackers doing this I had to ask myself one simple question;

"Who is so stupid as to believe that masturbation is dependent on Internet pornography?"

And for that question there is only one answer; Britain, where hope springs eternal yet the stream of success runs a little dry.

In slightly more important issues British Labour MPs today had a crisis meeting with Prime minister Gordon Brown to discuss the cutting of the 10% income tax rate. You'll be glad to know that after many hours wrestling with the concisences the MP won and will now not revolt against the plan because obviously your lives are important to them, just not at the expense of their own careers.

Also there has been lots of talk about someone who has be convicted with benefit fraud, a story which obviously scared the shit out of me but does make me want to point out that if any pinstripe thinks I have committed any criminal offence I suggest they jolly well get on with prosecuting me for it because they are rather getting the reputation for being all talk and no action.

Coming back to our delightful anna though some people seem to have been given the impression that we can't be mean to her because they she will refuse to work for the government in whatever reduced role she has left. This of course is an utter falsehood because since signing the official secrets act anna's future career path has been distilled into one simple choice; either she works for the British government or she goes to prison. A bit of a harsh position for her to be put into I'll agree but as she seemed happy enough for me and all the G8 activist groups she was prepared to infiltrate to go to prison I think it's fair.