And I was a little bored. So bored in fact that around 4pm, amongst the horror of animated comedies for children, tiredness tapped me on the shoulder and said "Ha ha, remember those last six to eight weeks of running around? Well today we're going to smash you in the knees and you will not arise again until the new year."
Quite frankly though in my family boredom's been something of an aspiration for the last twenty odd years so there's nothing left to say except "Do you want to know what I got for Christmas?"
In case you do and don't have the power to intercept my text messages I got a fuck load of DVD's which included;
Ultimate Force, series 1-4 -
An ITV show centred around a special forces team, much like The Unit. Though unlike the unit which uses the format to preach well learned lessons about the impact that men at war have on their loved ones back at home Ultimate Force is set around the British SAS. As such the troopers led by Ross Kemp are simply heroes doing battle against the enemy who are little more then cartoon cutouts in combat jackets under the thinnest of pretexts. After a little bang bang, whoosh whoosh the good guys win while the baddies die and we all go down the pub.
House, Series 3 -
I know it was on the telly recently but I've already got series 1 and 2 so it must held in a collection so at some point in the future I can chain a loved one to the sofa and force them to watch it episode by episode in a Clockwork Orange style re-education program.
The Wire, Series 1 -
Personally I've never heard of it and neither has the person who gave it to me but it's a hbo drama based around drug dealing, murder, surveillance and counter surveillance and the packaging bears the slogan "Listen Carefully!" so it can't be all bad. If nothing else the name of the creator aptly defines the gift giving relationship.
The Long Good Friday, Pulp Fiction, Goodfellas and Deliverance -
And collection of gangster films which quite frankly I was a little embarrassed to receive because while I understand that the giver was a member of a slightly depressing organisation I think that Christmas should really be a celebration of joy and happiness rather then an oppotunity to settle old scores. They did redeem themselves though by giving me a shit hot cook-book.
A Dusty Springfield CD -
Conclusive proof if it was needed that I am in fact getting gayer by the second. A fact that can only be re-enforced by the fact that I managed to watch My Fair Lady all the way through without throwing anything at the TV no matter how many times it burst into song for no apparent reason.
The Cook Book -
It was called a bible of some sort but it will never leave my kitchen because while Jamie, Delia and Gordon will sell you 100 pages of complex signature dishes that will only earn you Michelin stars while the stomach screams this book gives you simple instructions of how to actually get things done knowing full well that you will be able to understand, improvise and improve.
A Digital Radio -
Contrary to the widely seen advert I actually think this particular item will in fact just sit on the shelf gathering dust in the hope that one day soon life will improve.
Now with that long list done and the postman still failing to deliver there is nothing left but one simple question;
"Does anyone remember that guy who had the courage to give my mate a job because he's now being forced into bankruptcy even though he had no idea what he was doing?
Thursday, 27 December 2007
Friday, 21 December 2007
Today has been exercise day
Obviously exercise hasn't taken up the whole day but seeing as I'm not allowed to do anything else productive it's the only thing I can think of mention. I spend 40 minutes doing free weights and 30 minutes of cardio. It's ironic really that at the time of my life that I am at my fittest I'm also at my fattest but hey that's SSRI's for you, weight gain and a compromised immune system.
I have however figured out what the problem with my suspension from the shop was. If I'm to ever escape from the great, flabby monster of mediocrity that is the British State I am going to have to learn to work through this January and every other January but hey the British State has already seized control of every other aspect of my life so I may as well just sit back and accept my fate.
Ironically Depression has been the flavour of the news today because while the British Government failed to prevent the summer floods or indeed repair the damage that those floods did they have been able to send in a team of psychologists to work out why the people who lost their homes are depressed.
This brings me on to today's question;
"Sorry so you were expecting me to do you a favour while you ruin my life because?"
I have however figured out what the problem with my suspension from the shop was. If I'm to ever escape from the great, flabby monster of mediocrity that is the British State I am going to have to learn to work through this January and every other January but hey the British State has already seized control of every other aspect of my life so I may as well just sit back and accept my fate.
Ironically Depression has been the flavour of the news today because while the British Government failed to prevent the summer floods or indeed repair the damage that those floods did they have been able to send in a team of psychologists to work out why the people who lost their homes are depressed.
This brings me on to today's question;
"Sorry so you were expecting me to do you a favour while you ruin my life because?"
Thursday, 20 December 2007
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
With that post being left blank I've been set so far back I may have trouble catching up so today is going to be an especially long ramble to see if we can bring everybody back up to speed.
Yesterday I had my haircut and then started writing up the days posting. When i was about halfway through there was a knock on the door and low and behold it was thieving Linda spinning some sob story about how her life is really difficult because a lot of people who've made her company want to kick the shit out of her. I have to admit I did kind of stop listening half way through because the whole state of affairs does just underline the importance of Option A.
As I was closing the door I noticed a hand delivered envelope addressed to me. I opened it up and it was a letter from my line manager informing me that I'd been suspended for "Intimidating another team member."
Obviously I quickly phoned him up pointed out that taking such drastic action without speaking to me was very bad management practice and bordered on the anti-social especially as to do it he'd actually taken all the time to visit my home address in person but some how lacked the courage to knock on the door. After finding himself unable to explain exactly what element of my behaviour was "intimidating" other then this other team member said so he agreed to allow me to come in this morning to discuss it and he'd give me the same chance he's given the shit.
Happy with that I then finished up the blog (you really should try reading it, it's amazing), sat down to read the paper and then in slightly longer then it takes to read a blog the phone rang. It was my line manager to tell me that he'd spoken to his line manager and there was no way on earth he could lift my suspension and I would be unable to enter the premises until it had been lifted.
I then obviously spoke to his line manager who told me a very different story because the decision is all in my line managers hands and he can lift my suspension anytime he likes.
Interestingly the "intimidating behaviour" I directed at my fellow team member was to write a letter to no-one in particular which was simply the rantings of a mad man with lots of references to the security services, paranoia and phrases such as "festive suicide pact". Along with that letter I enclosed a card telling the team member to pass the letter over to the community mental health team.
To me that's either intimidation or an acid test to determine her competence to work in a mental health project because with the £20,000 we're paying her we could have a properly trained and qualified mental health nurse. I can see the interview question now;
"A service user is quite clearly using the plot. During this process they hand you what appears to be a suicide note and asks you to pass it over to the mental health team. Do you?
A. Contact the community mental health team and ensure the service user is properly cared for.
or
B. Have the service user suspended and cast them away from anyone who may be able to assist with their worsening condition.
I have to admit though that I'm hardly gutted about being suspended at this time of year because I wasn't being paid to work there and my suspension will not appear on my employment record so all I've really lost is the opportunity to drag myself out of bed in the middle of January to have certain elements scheme on me.
Excuse me while the littlest tear in the world falls.
After that I made dinner and went to have a drink with my mum, apparently I've torn the ligaments in my foot.
This brings me neatly onto today where I got up at lunchtime, had breakfast and started doing this. Later I might go watch a dvd but there's so much news flying about I might just sit around watching that.
The big news story of the day is that prosecutors in England and Wales have been instructed to jail for two years certain people who are caught using their mobile phone while driving.
I have to say this hasn't come soon enough because there's nothing more annoying then when you're driving along at a legal speed with a full awareness of the the hazards up ahead and in full control of the vehicle when all of a sudden someone from the slow lane cuts across the front of you flipping your car into a ditch.
Except possibly when the only explanation they can offer is "But you might of had an accident somewhere in the future."
Obviously today's post has taken up so much time I can't tell the stories I promised yesterday because they're both long and complicated but it doesn't matter there's only a very small group of people who think they're still secrets anyway.
I will however pose another question today;
"What language do you need to speak to convince your line manager that he has made a mistake so horrible it threatens to undermine the future of his company and the only way he can solve it is through an embarrassing U turn?"
Yesterday I had my haircut and then started writing up the days posting. When i was about halfway through there was a knock on the door and low and behold it was thieving Linda spinning some sob story about how her life is really difficult because a lot of people who've made her company want to kick the shit out of her. I have to admit I did kind of stop listening half way through because the whole state of affairs does just underline the importance of Option A.
As I was closing the door I noticed a hand delivered envelope addressed to me. I opened it up and it was a letter from my line manager informing me that I'd been suspended for "Intimidating another team member."
Obviously I quickly phoned him up pointed out that taking such drastic action without speaking to me was very bad management practice and bordered on the anti-social especially as to do it he'd actually taken all the time to visit my home address in person but some how lacked the courage to knock on the door. After finding himself unable to explain exactly what element of my behaviour was "intimidating" other then this other team member said so he agreed to allow me to come in this morning to discuss it and he'd give me the same chance he's given the shit.
Happy with that I then finished up the blog (you really should try reading it, it's amazing), sat down to read the paper and then in slightly longer then it takes to read a blog the phone rang. It was my line manager to tell me that he'd spoken to his line manager and there was no way on earth he could lift my suspension and I would be unable to enter the premises until it had been lifted.
I then obviously spoke to his line manager who told me a very different story because the decision is all in my line managers hands and he can lift my suspension anytime he likes.
Interestingly the "intimidating behaviour" I directed at my fellow team member was to write a letter to no-one in particular which was simply the rantings of a mad man with lots of references to the security services, paranoia and phrases such as "festive suicide pact". Along with that letter I enclosed a card telling the team member to pass the letter over to the community mental health team.
To me that's either intimidation or an acid test to determine her competence to work in a mental health project because with the £20,000 we're paying her we could have a properly trained and qualified mental health nurse. I can see the interview question now;
"A service user is quite clearly using the plot. During this process they hand you what appears to be a suicide note and asks you to pass it over to the mental health team. Do you?
A. Contact the community mental health team and ensure the service user is properly cared for.
or
B. Have the service user suspended and cast them away from anyone who may be able to assist with their worsening condition.
I have to admit though that I'm hardly gutted about being suspended at this time of year because I wasn't being paid to work there and my suspension will not appear on my employment record so all I've really lost is the opportunity to drag myself out of bed in the middle of January to have certain elements scheme on me.
Excuse me while the littlest tear in the world falls.
After that I made dinner and went to have a drink with my mum, apparently I've torn the ligaments in my foot.
This brings me neatly onto today where I got up at lunchtime, had breakfast and started doing this. Later I might go watch a dvd but there's so much news flying about I might just sit around watching that.
The big news story of the day is that prosecutors in England and Wales have been instructed to jail for two years certain people who are caught using their mobile phone while driving.
I have to say this hasn't come soon enough because there's nothing more annoying then when you're driving along at a legal speed with a full awareness of the the hazards up ahead and in full control of the vehicle when all of a sudden someone from the slow lane cuts across the front of you flipping your car into a ditch.
Except possibly when the only explanation they can offer is "But you might of had an accident somewhere in the future."
Obviously today's post has taken up so much time I can't tell the stories I promised yesterday because they're both long and complicated but it doesn't matter there's only a very small group of people who think they're still secrets anyway.
I will however pose another question today;
"What language do you need to speak to convince your line manager that he has made a mistake so horrible it threatens to undermine the future of his company and the only way he can solve it is through an embarrassing U turn?"
Wednesday, 19 December 2007
Another day, another visit from the postman
and still nothing for me (except of course a letter informing me that the Tamworth road mental health team are in fact located at Tamworth road?!?!).
Obviously what I'm still despreatley waiting for is any news on my book-keeping course. You know the one where the money has been paid out and the work has been done yet we're still sitting here waiting to see a result but I suppose if you're looking for an allegory for the British State it doesn't get much clearer then that.
Anyway this abscence of progress does give me the oppotunity to give you an update on the thieving Linda situation;
Firstly there was much screaming and shouting at my dad to finally encourage him to get off his arse and take steps to try to improve his existence ( a step which derailed a much more effective plan which would have led to him not having to be encouraged) we were rewarded with a Police Community Support Officer.
This poor fellow sat in our kitchen in much of a panic because his radio was far too complicated for him to work and he had to meet two collegues in the park later and you can't have PCSO's walking around after dark on their own.
When I was a traffic warden we used to solve problems like this by picking a time, picking a place and getting ourseleves there unfazed by the complicated process known as "walking" but then we didn't have to carry the extra weight of those stab vests and all that taxpayers money in our pockets.
Once we'd re-assured this PCSO that if he couldn't phone his friends we'd walk him to the park and hold his hand until they turned up we finally got round to a conversation of what to do (admittedly this was just me telling him what to do and him failing to understand, but they couldn't possibly be expecting complinace could they?). This left us with four options;
Option A: Quick, effective and so cheap it might actually turn a profit.
Option B: Long, complicated and expensive but ultimately effective.
Option C: Long, complicated and expensive but ultimately ineffective.
Option D: The governments brand new initiative that still needs testing in the field but I can tell you now for free that it won't work.
After much fiddling my dad decided that options A, B and C would best not be undertaken because the government has already paid out thousands to get option D written up and passed through parliment. Then they've then paid out another couple of thousand to make the PCSO's aware of the new plan so we may as well pay out another couple of thousand finding out that it simply won't work but hey it gives my dad the oppotunity to sit at his computer fiddling while his mothers world just get worse.
I have to say fucking hell because I'm used to hearing that grasses will sell their own mothers down the river but you never expect to see it in your own home and to think he's got the nerve to walk into rooms and introduce himself as her "carer".
So sorry world this is what I'm being asked to aspire to and if I dare to improve on the design I can expect to be crushed into the ground.
So todays question is;
"What story would you like me to tell tommorrow. The tale of the Beslen Massacre or J18 story?"
Obviously what I'm still despreatley waiting for is any news on my book-keeping course. You know the one where the money has been paid out and the work has been done yet we're still sitting here waiting to see a result but I suppose if you're looking for an allegory for the British State it doesn't get much clearer then that.
Anyway this abscence of progress does give me the oppotunity to give you an update on the thieving Linda situation;
Firstly there was much screaming and shouting at my dad to finally encourage him to get off his arse and take steps to try to improve his existence ( a step which derailed a much more effective plan which would have led to him not having to be encouraged) we were rewarded with a Police Community Support Officer.
This poor fellow sat in our kitchen in much of a panic because his radio was far too complicated for him to work and he had to meet two collegues in the park later and you can't have PCSO's walking around after dark on their own.
When I was a traffic warden we used to solve problems like this by picking a time, picking a place and getting ourseleves there unfazed by the complicated process known as "walking" but then we didn't have to carry the extra weight of those stab vests and all that taxpayers money in our pockets.
Once we'd re-assured this PCSO that if he couldn't phone his friends we'd walk him to the park and hold his hand until they turned up we finally got round to a conversation of what to do (admittedly this was just me telling him what to do and him failing to understand, but they couldn't possibly be expecting complinace could they?). This left us with four options;
Option A: Quick, effective and so cheap it might actually turn a profit.
Option B: Long, complicated and expensive but ultimately effective.
Option C: Long, complicated and expensive but ultimately ineffective.
Option D: The governments brand new initiative that still needs testing in the field but I can tell you now for free that it won't work.
After much fiddling my dad decided that options A, B and C would best not be undertaken because the government has already paid out thousands to get option D written up and passed through parliment. Then they've then paid out another couple of thousand to make the PCSO's aware of the new plan so we may as well pay out another couple of thousand finding out that it simply won't work but hey it gives my dad the oppotunity to sit at his computer fiddling while his mothers world just get worse.
I have to say fucking hell because I'm used to hearing that grasses will sell their own mothers down the river but you never expect to see it in your own home and to think he's got the nerve to walk into rooms and introduce himself as her "carer".
So sorry world this is what I'm being asked to aspire to and if I dare to improve on the design I can expect to be crushed into the ground.
So todays question is;
"What story would you like me to tell tommorrow. The tale of the Beslen Massacre or J18 story?"
Tuesday, 18 December 2007
I woke up this morning
and a courier knocked on my door, but he had nothing for me.
Then the postman came and he had nothing for me.
Then I made some phonecalls but still they had nothing for me.
So today's post has been left blank
Save for the question;
"If the British Establishment can't get it's finger out of it's arse in a time of crisis does it deserve to be anything other then America's 51st state?"
Then the postman came and he had nothing for me.
Then I made some phonecalls but still they had nothing for me.
So today's post has been left blank
Save for the question;
"If the British Establishment can't get it's finger out of it's arse in a time of crisis does it deserve to be anything other then America's 51st state?"
Monday, 17 December 2007
Watch out thieving Linda's about
And this time she's got a police escort.
I should explain thieving Linda is one of Thornton Heaths most infamous resisdents. She lives in a very nice council house and makes her money signing on the social. Problem is this money ain't good enough for Linda so every so often she goes round and robs me gran. Obviously we've reported to the police time and time again but the police being thick can't do anything about it and can only send a CSO round to say sorry for your loss. Obviously I walk past Linda's front door one day and suddenly it's two coppers guarding the door and a police helicopter up in the sky.
Today of all days she's been sniffing around again and a 10pm she brings two coppers in a van to ask permission to nip over my fence leaving me to get the stench of pig shit out of the carpets.
Now obviously I'm not saying anything but if you do happen to see Linda knocking around watch your wallet and watch your mouth especially what with Christmas coming up.
So we have todays question;
"Can the police actually do their job or are they just here to protect the state?"
I should explain thieving Linda is one of Thornton Heaths most infamous resisdents. She lives in a very nice council house and makes her money signing on the social. Problem is this money ain't good enough for Linda so every so often she goes round and robs me gran. Obviously we've reported to the police time and time again but the police being thick can't do anything about it and can only send a CSO round to say sorry for your loss. Obviously I walk past Linda's front door one day and suddenly it's two coppers guarding the door and a police helicopter up in the sky.
Today of all days she's been sniffing around again and a 10pm she brings two coppers in a van to ask permission to nip over my fence leaving me to get the stench of pig shit out of the carpets.
Now obviously I'm not saying anything but if you do happen to see Linda knocking around watch your wallet and watch your mouth especially what with Christmas coming up.
So we have todays question;
"Can the police actually do their job or are they just here to protect the state?"
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