The 2014 Eurovision Song Contest: The Grand Final.

Saturday (10/5/14) evening saw the grand final of the 2014 Eurovision Song Contest held in Copenhagen, Denmark. It was won by Austria with The Netherlands and Sweden finishing in second and third position respectively. However before I start talking about the winning entries I should start by discussing the main trends at this year's competition. Not least because I'm actually writing this up offline several hours before the start of the final.

Kim Kardashian: Or perhaps more accurately the mystery of my relationship with Kim Kardashian and specifically that time she crashed my Twitter timeline during the 2014 Winter para-Olympic opening ceremony. I must confess that having heard all the jokes about the sex tape, the 72 day marriage, being famous for no apparent reason when I was introduced to Kim Kardashian (via Twitter) I was fully expecting to not like her at all. So imagine my annoyance in discovering that I do actually quite like Kim Kardashian. Not in any way that Kanye West needs to be jealous off but we do seem to have a few things in common such as our ages and well I'm essentially just a gossipy housewife at the heart. Plus I think that motherhood really seems to suit Kim Kardashian.

Obviously to understand Kim Kardashian's feelings about me you will need to speak to her. However I am aware that Kim Kardashian is of Armenian heritage and as a world famous Armenian is expected to know a lot about Armenian culture and history including the slaughter of 1.5million Armenians by troops from the Ottoman-Turk Empire in Van in 1915. Whether or not those killings can be described as a "genocide" is still hotly contested within international politics. However due to this knowledge of Europe and its sometimes bloody history I think it is fair to say that Kim Kardashian understands the stakes of the current situation in Ukraine in a way that most Americans simply do not.

As a result of this trend it seemed compulsory that every dark haired female (and one male) contestant had to resemble Kim Kardashian in some way, shape or form. Curiously Armenia was one of the few nations not to join in with this trend seeming to make great efforts to avoid dark haired women in both of their stage performances.

Eastern High Culture Versus Western Low Culture: This was a topic that was raised during the Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia and has been expanded on at Eurovision. As a result many former Soviet states such as Moldova, Albania and Slovenia to name but a few entered songs that represented a strong understanding of classical music and opera either through the style of the songs themselves or in the artist's background. This is in direct contrast to previous years where the former Soviet states have entered really trashy pop/dance songs presumably in the belief that it what people in the west like.

By far the best contribution to this discussion though came from France with their song "Moustache" by "TWIN TWIN." Although seemingly silly at first glance Moustache actually has quite a serious message about a man who has all the consumerist status symbols that a man could want but would happily trade it all for the ability to grow a moustache. As such it seems to be suggesting that the man is only chasing all these consumer fashions and trends to cover up the fact that he is not a proper man with a moustache being a symbol of masculine identity.

Obviously under Communism consumer capitalism was banned meaning that when the Soviet Union collapsed people in the former Soviet States embraced it in a big way with Levi jeans and McDonalds burgers becoming huge status symbols. This race to embrace American trash culture also seems to have been reflected in former Soviet States previous Eurovision entries and the growing popularity of sub-par hip hop/rap music of the type peddled by Chris Brown and Drake. However as the former Soviet States grow in confidence they seem happier to embrace the high culture of the Soviet years as evidenced by this year's entries. As such the French seemed to be posing the question of whether it is a lack of national identity in these former Soviet states that is driving their obsession with American consumerism.

So although some might criticise France's entry for being overtly political against contest rules I think it just about gets away with it because it is talking about a broad social trend rather then a specific political issue. Plus it was that good you have absolutely no trouble believing the list of famous and talented people that TWIN TWIN claim to have worked with.

The Sexual Objectification of Women: Or more specifically the sexual objectification of eastern European women and the role it plays in prostitution in western Europe and pan-European sex trafficking.

Membership of the European Union (EU) particularly the Schengen Agreement allows for the free movement of people across national borders with no questions being asked. This is obviously great news for anyone who wants to go and live in another EU nation for the cultural experience or simply to find better paid work. However it is also great news for organised crime gangs who kidnap young women in eastern European nations and then sell them into prostitution in western Europe. After all few people have the time to ask whether their whore is a Slavic girl from Poland which is an EU member state or a Slavic girl from Ukraine which is not an EU member state. In short the film "Taken" only really differs from reality because in reality there is rarely a movie star hero to sweep in and save the day.

It is issues such as these which means that I find the efforts of western liberal elites to suppress parties such as UKIP who are trying to have a grown up conversation about EU immigration policy including its negative aspects really annoying. After all even amongst my - shall we say - more shadowy associates there is an understanding that you keep as far away as possible from people traffickers because there is simply very little they will not do. Obviously this negative aspect of immigration is something that nations who oppose the policy of free movement of people for more selfish, economic reasons are keen to focus on. However even within the Schengen Agreement there are many things that can be done to tackle this problem with legalised prostitution with a system of licensing and inspection being the most obvious solution.

This trend was touched on through the battle of the sexes of Lithuania's entry and the overt and intentional misogyny of Belerus' "Cheesecake." It was then expanded on by Poland's somewhat pornographic "We Are Slavic" and Russia's Tolmachevy Twins. This featured two, very young blond girls who are veterans of the borderline paedophilic Junior Eurovision Song Contest holding up what appeared to be giant glass dildos as they were tied up - ass to ass - by their hair. It was Switzerland though who really crowned this discussion with the video for their entry "Hunter of Stars" portraying the singer Seblater as the ever helpful hotel concierge that everybody loves because he brings them 'extra pillows'. The fact that the Swiss song managed to hide some extremely dark lyrics behind such a happy and cheerful tune really helped to highlight how we all seem happy to ignore this hidden problem.

Gay-Rights: Or more specifically the collective failure of Europe's gay-rights activists to take advantage of the Sochi Winter Olympics to further the cause of gay-rights in Russia.

Although I think governmental mischief and wider geo-political issues played a significant role in this failure I found the way the gay-rights issue was handled in Sochi to be hugely disappointing. That is because it seemed as though the Russian hosts had gone to great lengths to make sure that all the issues behind homophobia in Russia were neatly lined up for more enlightened, western gay-rights activists to help knock down. Unfortunately the international gay community seemed to collectively choke at the opportunity and simply imploded.

This failure was somewhat foreshadowed at the 2013 song contest by the reaction to Azerbaijan's entry. That featured a man dancing on top of a perspex box containing another man dressed all in black who was acting as his shadow. Eurovision's large gay viewership immediately took this as a metaphor for the man's hidden homosexuality and started hyperventilating. However the real issue being addressed was much wider and much more serious then gay-rights and was re-visited more clearly in Azerbaijan's 2014 entry. If you've worked out what that issue is I'm sure you'll appreciate why it still isn't appropriate for me in my role as "The Big, Booming Voice of god" to shout about it.

As a result many of this year's Eurovision's entries featured subtle little references to Azerbaijan's 2013 entry in an effort to remind gay-rights activists that they perhaps need to calm down a bit because while important gay-rights are important they are not the be all and end all of life on earth. With lyrics about waking up amid the rubble and  being forced to walk across broken glass before rising from the ashes like a Phoenix one of the leading voices in this criticism was Austria's Conchita Wurst which has to be one of the most gloriously gay Eurovision entries ever.

Although I don't think it quite justifies being elevated to the status of a full trend there also seemed to be an undercurrent of discussion about Eurovision's taste and decency rules covering how overtly sexual an act can be, how much flesh a performer can flash and whether or not they can use swear words. Rather then being a response to the US' efforts to cause hysteria over this issue through Miley Cyrus and Rihanna this is almost a constant discussion at Eurovision. That's because the contest has to appeal to viewers in Islamic nations such as Jordan where a women with her hair uncovered is considered risque alongside more puritan nations such as Britain where the sight of a heaving bosom could cause a national panic and more liberal European nations such as France and Italy who couldn't really care less if performers turned up fully nude.

As a result many of the videos supporting entries featured lots of female leg and thigh being flashed and several featured women supposedly nude whilst writhing around in bathtubs while Poland's entry rather speaks for itself. The video for Italy's entry "La Mia Citta" even featured the singer Emma wearing an Alexander Wang Principle 1.2.6 campaign style beanie hat emblazoned with the word "Fuck." This aggressive boundary pushing seemed to be Eurovision having a collective laugh about US attempts to drive us all wild with the scandal of Miley Cyrus' stage costumes or Rihanna being photographed topless. Also it seemed to be making the point that it is quite difficult to bring up issues relating to sexuality, prostitution and sex trafficking without making sexual references and the Eurovision rules are certainly a lot tighter then those applied to the modern pop-industry. However those rules are deliberately tight in order to inspire creativity, make people work harder keeping dross like Taylor Momsen out.

Anyway it was around track 13 that I decided that I really needed a drink to take the edge off. After a further 13 songs some 'interesting' half-time entertainment while the voting took place and then the nail-biting announcement of the results I think it is probably best that I go to bed before writing more. However I can't resist saying a few words about our new queen of Eurovision;

Austria: Although I don't know him that well I strongly suspect that Tom Neuwirth - the man behind "Conchita Wurst" is a homosexual. However that does not mean that he thinks he is a woman or is either a transvestite or a transsexual. Instead he is a drag act which means that by wearing women's clothes when he performs he is simply putting on a costume and assuming a character in order to entertain. Basically he is just a type of clown.

Your first clue that Neuwirth doesn't expect to be taken seriously as a women when he appears as Conchita Wurst should be that he has not only gone to the trouble of growing a beard but he keeps that beard whilst in character. As such Conchita Wurst is the archetypal "Bearded Lady" from circus freak-shows throughout the world. This is a little nod to the fact that Eurovision is widely considered as the worlds greatest freak-show. In fact every year there is the unofficial presentation of the "What The F*ck?! (WTF) award. This dates back to the early days of the song contest when the world was a much less interconnected place and the contest was very much a one day affair at which nations would turn up to make their bold cultural statement in their native language only for absolutely no-one else to have any idea what they were going on about. However in more recent years nations have deliberately targeted this award in order to boost their international profile by standing out as the most strange and memorable entry.

Through her physical appearance Conchita Wurst obviously played into the Kim Kardashian theme and particularly through an introductory video (postcard) which portrayed her sorting through magnificent gowns like some sort of fashion expert. However Austria's references to Kim Kardashian were very light hearted and playful in an effort to engage other nations in discussion about what Austria saw as something pretty obvious and help guide those nations in the right direction. So where every other nation was falling over themselves to award Austria maximum points Austria awarded maximum points to Armenia. Obviously holding the 2015 contest in Armenia on almost the exact date of the 100th anniversary of the Van massacre would have placed a lot of pressure on Turkey.

Obviously the main thrust of Austria's entry was the gay-rights issue and not only was this done through the lyrics but the song was very much in the style of the big ballads used as theme songs for James Bond movies. James Bond is of course the world famous British secret agent so this seemed to be a reference to the role that spy agency mischief and wider geo-politics played in screwing up the gay-rights element of the Sochi Winter Olympics.

Edited at around 14:00 on 11/5/14 (UK date) to add; Obviously I finished mid-paragraph last night.

The Netherlands: Their entry "Calm After the Storm" by The Common Linnets was all about helping to bring their traditional ally Britain back into the European fold by pushing Miley Cyrus onto the agenda whilst she was in the UK at the start of the European leg of her tour. As such much was made of the fact that the band had spent a lot of time in Miley Cyrus' hometown of Nashville, US honing their craft. The "white lines" supposedly representing road markings that were projected onto the stage during the performance were intended to represent cocaine in an effort to fuel entirely false rumours that Miley Cyrus' recent health has been caused by excessive cocaine use although even that rumour has been struggling to find traction. Even the title of the song was supposed to suggest that for Europe Miley Cyrus is the calm following the storm of last years Rihanna tour although I'm pretty sure this has got to be the first time Miley Cyrus has been described as a calming influence.

Through her appearance the Common Linnets female vocalist - Ilse DeLange - appears to have made great efforts to resemble UK pop-singer Duffy who was reasonably famous in the last decade particularly for her debut song "Mercy." As such the Dutch were challenging to Israeli accusation that old Europe's Protestant Monarchies - of which the Dutch House of Orange are central players - lack mercy whilst at the same time enquiring as to what Moldova meant with their song "Wild Soul."

The somewhat sneaky trick the Dutch played was to wrap this rather unpopular political agenda up in actually a rather good song which although unlikely to become a sales hit certainly seems capable of finding space on radio play-lists across Europe. As such this brought up the contest's voting system which - apart from exceptional circumstances - gives 50% of a nation's vote to panels made up people from within the music/entertainment industry and 50% to the public through televoting.

Although they are under some obligation to recognise artistic achievement these panels don't really have to explain why they've voted the way that they did and are certainly allowed to base a large part of their decisions on the vague notion of their "general impression of an act" which means they are able to award votes based on the political agenda of an act and how a national team has performed on the gauntlet of red carpets, fan meet and greets and press interviews that take place throughout the week long contest. The public on the other hand tend to simply vote for the song that sounds the best to them based on the performance in the final. While I've not done a full statistical analysis of the results based on a quick glance it appears that the Dutch tended to be marked down by the panels but were elevated by the public votes.

On this issue of the voting system in a bit of a scandal the Georgian panel votes were excluded due to unspecified irregularities meaning that only their public votes were counted. Although I don't know the exact details the message from this appears to be that the Georgian authorities are still not trusted by people in Europe.

Sweden: Their entry "Undo" by Sanna Nielsen very much reflected Sweden's fears that it is becoming increasingly isolated within European politics. Although they have managed to do it incredibly discreetly and subtly Sweden have taken a very hawkish position on every major issue such as Syria, Ukraine and the US and the UK's Rihanna operation. With lyrics such as; "Silent I just stood there silent" and "Trouble baby I’m in trouble" Sweden is suggesting that for far too long it has simply gone with the flow and is questioning whether it is time for them to break away from the Protestant Monarchy minority made up the UK, the Netherlands, Belgium and the US and join up with the majority view in European politics. However through lyrics such as; "Gotta make a change, And make some noise" Sweden's seems to be indicating that it intends to continue on its current path particularly when it comes to Ukraine.


As for why the song did so well it is a big ballad and Eurovision voters do love big ballads. Also there is something of a Scandinavian mafia in Eurovision voting with the longstanding joke being that if you live in Norway, Denmark or Iceland you are - by law - only allowed to vote for Sweden. Finally by being placed in the top three Sweden's entry will receive a lot more attention and therefore discussion than if it had placed fifth or even fourth.






So there are the top three finishes from the 2014 Eurovision Song Contest. Obviously I can't write up every single entry in this level of detail or I'd still be doing it by the time the 2015 contest begins. However later to day or perhaps more likely tomorrow I will write up some of the more stand-out entries. In the meantime feel free to enjoy how this post originally ended as shown below.




15:40 on 11/5/14 (UK date).
 

Yep I'm clearly too far gone to complete that point or any of the many other points that Conchita Wurst so beautifully encapsulated. However before I go I should point out that "Vladimir the Great" was the 10th Century King of Kievan-Rus (modern Ukraine) who converted the Pagan Slavs to Russian Orthodox Christianity. He was himself baptised a Christian in Crimea and current Russian President Vladimir Putin referenced Vladimir the Great in the speech marking Crimea's re-entry to Russia. As such Poland's attempt to remind Ukrainians of their "[western] Slavic Blood" seemed very much like an incitement to ethnic cleansing and seems to have had some impact in Mariupol on Friday (9/5/14). As such I feel forced to say;

Poland. "No Ethnic Cleansing" isn't even the first rule of Eurovision. Do you know why it's not the first rule of Eurovision?! It's because it's so f*cking obvious no-one thought we would need an actual f*cking written rule!!"

Mind the you the way the Poles managed to disguise that in many different clothes should give you a clue as to why here in the lazy and entitled UK we are absolutely terrified of Polish immigration.

00:00 on 11/5/14 (UK date).