The 2014 Eurovision Song Constest: 1st Semi-Final.

The 2013 Eurovision Song Contest was a very coherent affair built around the central theme of the European Union's (EU) relationship with Russia with the issue of homophobia being used as a metaphor. It was won by Denmark's Emmelie de Forest with a song entitled "Only Teardrops" which beautifully referenced The Skorpians song "Winds of Change" with its use of whistles and flutes. Winds of Change is widely acknowledged as the song that helped create the atmosphere for the fall of the Berlin Wall and the end of the Cold War from which both the EU and modern Russia were born.

Since the 2013 contest we have seen the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia in which gay-rights was a major theme and the relationship between the EU and Russia was called into sharp focus by the situation in Ukraine. As such the 2014 contest is serving as something of a review of the Sochi Olympics. However the Sochi Olympics only ended about eight weeks ago which really isn't enough time to put a Eurovision entry together. As a result this year's contest is shaping up to be a much more disjointed affair with nations all trying to raise their own individual points for discussion rather then there being one central theme.

Before I talk any further about the 2014 contest though I should point out that the modern Eurovision Song Contest is so much more then simply Saturday's (10/45/14) final. The contest actually opened on Sunday (4/5/14) evening and since then the contestants have been busy with red carpet appearances, meet and greets with fans, social media campaigns and traditional TV, radio, newspaper and magazine interviews which are accompanied by the media relations games and spin tricks that are common in the entertainment  industry. In short they're trying to condense the entire experience of being a modern pop star into one short week. As such if I go into too much detail about the acts featured in the first semi-final it hands an unfair advantage to the acts in Thursday's (8/5/14) second semi-final and the six automatic qualifiers to the final.

I can though say whatever I like about the six nations that were knocked out in the first semi-final. Or at least I can make a start;

Latvia: Their song "Cake to Bake" by Aarzemnieki initially seemed popular with the hashtag #CaketoBake being the number 1 worldwide Twitter trend throughout most of the semi-final. Essentially this song was ripping the p*ss out of the US with lyrics such as; "I melted the ice of the polar caps, found the raiders of the lost ark, solved a case for the genius from Baker Street, helped to clean the Central Park. I created the plan for the Chinese wall, went to desert, made it rain, swam through a shark tank bloodily, found Atlantis, by the way..." all sung in the whiny style of 'artists' such as Jason Mraz and other tediums who contribute to the genre known as "Nursery rhymes for grown-ups."

The song took specific aim at the US' Rihanna operation both with it's title and lyrics such as; "I've got a cake to bake – I’ve got no clue at all(!)" before going on to lay out both Chris Brown and Drake's blueprint or recipe to manipulate Rihanna into a relationship with either of them through the lyrics; "Mix some dough, add some love, let it bake, wait for it" because "dough" is slang for "money," you can say that people who smoke marijuana enjoy getting 'baked' and I think we all know how interested Rihanna is in her 'cake.'

The fact that the lead singer Joran Steinhauer is already quite famous in both Latvia and his native Germany due to his 2013 Internet hit song "Paldies Latiņam!" which wishes fond goodbye to Latvia's currency the Lat as the nation entered the Eurozone means that the Latvians seemed to be indicating that while they're not best pleased with the US they are perfectly happy as members of the EU in which Germany is a key player, especially in these debt ridden days.

Aarzemnieki could also serve to highlight why I need to behave myself during Eurovision week. While I was researching the contestants on the Eurovision.tv website on Monday (5/4/14) Rihanna popped up on my Twitter timeline in that way she tends to when she needs my help with something. I responded by sending her a link to Latvia's song. As a result Rihanna could have mobilised her considerable digital fan-base to make sure that the people who had insulted their icon was banished from the competition. As it turns out I had to do even that for her.

Belgium: Their song "Mother" was sung by Axel Hirsoux who is clearly fat enough to be an opera singer but who is equally clearly not talented enough. With lyrics such as; "And once again mother, You are right there mother, You are my guiding light, My shoulder, my shelter, my satellite, I'm weak, you're bright." the song was billed as a tribute to mothers everywhere and the role that mothers and women in general play in society. However in reality I think it was just a personal attack against me.


This all goes back to a time when I used to talk about my relationship with my kidnapped lesbian wife. Although I don't remember ever putting it quite this pretentiously I used to describe the type of love we shared as a very nurturing type of love that allowed both parties to grow and become better, more rounded people. This is in contrast to the type of love displayed between first Rihanna and Chris Brown and more recently between Rihanna and Drake which seems far more poisonous intended to destroy the souls of the people it touches and leave them in constant penury and need.

Perhaps not understanding the difference or perhaps just looking for a reason to hate me the British Establishment took this to mean that I was some sort of emotionally weak and needy freak. The British slang term is "Mummy's boy." The fact that this song was sung by a fat man was intended to stick the knife further into me by perpetuating the myth that I am so grotesquely overweight that Rihanna - or any other woman - could never find me attractive. However it must be said that I've always enjoyed women who've got a very long list of reasons why they're definitely not attracted to me.

Anyway it appears that for someone who has sat through a Eurovision semi-final I am nowhere near drunk enough. So now I'm going to go off an rectify that and continue this tomorrow. 


22:30 on 6/5/14 (UK date).

Edited at around 14:10 on 7/5/14 (UK date) to add;

Estonia: Their song "Amazing" was performed by Tanja who was born in Kaliningrad, Soviet Union before moving to Estonia at the age of two. Obviously this story highlights that due to migration during the Soviet Union and in the years before many people in former Soviet states such as Estonia have very strong cultural, linguistic and family ties to Russia. In turn this highlights what a difficult position these former Soviet states are put in by the predominately American demand that in order to forge closer ties with organisations such as the EU and NATO these nations must first break off all ties with Russia. With lyrics such as; "Stay amazing lie (do you hear me screaming?)" seems to be expressing frustration at being forced to choose between either the US or Russia rather then being allowed then being free to form a unique cultural identity.

The way the song was performed was very impressive with Tanja performing a complex modern dance routine whilst singing. This picks up on the theme of Russian high culture versus Western pop culture that played such as large part of the Winter Olympic ceremonies and seems to be expressing a preference for high culture which as I pointed out at the time is something that marks out all former Soviet states rather then being something exclusively Russian. It is also in contrast to previous Eurovision entries from former Soviet states that have tended towards being very trashy. In all the supporting interviews much has been made of the fact that Tanja does indeed sing live throughout her demanding performance without relying on a backing track. This is a reference to the practice of using backing tracks during live performances in general and a specific reference to Rihanna's Diamonds World Tour in which many people commented that at many of her shows rather then performing concerts Rihanna was simply the person with the best seat in the house while a DJ played Rihanna records.

The overall tone of the performance though was very reminiscent of the video for "Stay the Night" by German DJ "ZEDD" featuring US rock star Hayley Williams on vocals which has been a huge success across Europe recently. As with their Baltic neighbour Latvia through this connection Estonia also seemed to be expressing support for Germany while at the same time mocking the US by pointing out that they've got a ginger haired singer who can also pull off the dance moves. However in the topsy-turvy world of Eurovision this could actually be interpreted as Estonian support for the US. After all when you're screwing up your life it is your friends rather than your enemies that will plead with you to stop. Similarly by showing all this love for Germany Estonia could well be expecting favours in return.

Moldova: Their song "Wild Soul" provided one of the most dramatic performances of the evening with the powerfully voiced Cristina Scarlat taking to the stage in the costume of a warrior queen similar to ancient Britain's Boudica, Wagner's Valkyrie Brunnhilde or Daenerys Targaryen for fans of Game of Thrones. This seemed to suit a very passionate song with a chorus about having no mercy.

Moldova neighbours Ukraine and the port city of Odessa in particular. Along with Ukraine Moldova also has a large culturally and ethnically Russian population mainly located in the Transnistria region on the border with Ukraine which is also home to Russia's 14th Army. As such the unrest in Ukraine places Moldova at the centre of a raging storm not unlike the one that forced Seigmund to seek shelter at the start of Wagner's opera. For example in their efforts to portray everything that is happening in Ukraine as a giant Russian conspiracy the US claimed that the lack of support for the Kiev government across southern Ukraine is in fact Russia trying to open up a military corridor in order to seize Transnistria from Moldova. Although this is extremely unlikely to be true if the US continue saying it loudly and frequently enough Russian speakers in Moldova might get ideas and start an uprising of their own.

So rather then expressing support for either the US or Russia Moldova seemed to be expressing frustration at the fact that they don't appear to be allowed to have a say in how their nation is used in this apparent p*ssing contest between Russia and the US.

Albania: In 1997 Albania's economy completely imploded. Without the EU or the IMF on hand to save the day many Albanians simply illegally marched into Serbia's southern Kosovo province. When the Serbs asked them to leave they refused. Unfortunately at the same time then US President Clinton was under heavy domestic pressure over the Monica Lewinsky affair so declaring war on Serbia provided a convenient distraction. This war was quickly won by NATO and through a mixture of political convenience and Serbia's pretty appalling behaviour during the brutal Yugoslav civil war the US and allied old European nations quickly recognised Kosovo as an independent state. However that recognition has been far from universal and there is a lingering feeling that all Albanians are simply thieves. This has been perpetuated by me mainly in reference to Rihanna's rivalry with the ethically Albanian Rita Ora.

Albania's Eurovision entry tackled this perception of a nation of thieves head on with every element of their entry "One Night's Anger" by  Hersi seemingly stolen from somewhere else. For example Hersi is a classically trained singer who has moved into pop music and the song features a classical inspired sequence before moving into a more pop/rock sequence to highlight this. This obviously steals the high culture versus pop culture theme from the Winter Olympic ceremonies with special reference being made to the fact that Hersi has previously performed Carl Orff's Carmina Burana which was sampled in the "Nas" and Puff Daddy track "Hate Me Now." If you squint your eyes and tilt you head to one side Hersi could resemble US singer Selena Gomez while her English pronunciation is pure Shakira. The melody of the song itself is just the melody of a recent and famous pop song which I just can't for the life of me remember. As a final flourish Hersi has apparently had the black Eagle at the centre of the Albanian flag tattooed between her shoulder blades where I myself have a prominent tattoo.

The problem is that Albania's entry was in no way greater then the some of its parts and this was reflected in their failure to make it through to the final. At the risk of causing more offence the apparent self-obsession of Albania's entry rather then a focus on more pan-European issues probably also counted against them.

Portugal: Their entry "Quero Ser Tua" was in the relatively new "Pimba" style of music and seemed intended to highlight Portugal's links with upcoming football World Cup and Summer Olympic hosts Brazil. It was sung by Suzy who with her long, flowing golden curls could resemble Shakira. As such Portugal seemed to the referencing the recent Shakira song "Can't Remember to Forget You" which featured Rihanna and pointing out that they think Shakira is the superior artist. The big drums used on stage where a reference to the Republic of Ireland's 2013 entry while the shirtless man playing the Djembe type drum was a reference to homosexuality. As such Portugal seemed to be questioning whether its Irish brother in EU bailouts was sure that it wants to pursue a closer relationship with the UK.

In short though a cash strapped Portugal couldn't really justify spending a lot of money on Eurovision resulting in an entry that seemed distinctly lazy. This was reflected in their failure to make it through to the final but it was nice of them to make some effort I suppose.

15:45 on 7/5/14 (UK date).