Fuck Me it's the World Cup

so I should fucking well be allowed to swear. Especially when I'm telling this fucking never-ending story of these fucking gate posts.

At the time my father and I were discussing what should be done about the lack of gate posts an Irish gypsy friend of mine offered to teach me how to build them for £300. Apparently this was a bad idea so we got the council bloke to build it himself for £800. A few weeks after they were completed in August 2008 my grandmother was robbed for the second time. According to the local police this must have been done by Irish gypsies because they left an Irish gypsy symbol carved into the gatepost. The Gypsy symbol they left was a "G" for Gypsy so I'm more inclined to think it was the local fucking builders on a fucking thieve and that gatepost perhaps needs to be preserved as physical evidence in a future trial.

As for the cunt that tried and failed to rob my grandmother I think it was the exact same bastard that tried to rob my fucking shed before I disturbed the prick. On that third occasion the Brits deduced that prior to committing his crime the criminal had watched a US TV show called "The Mentalist." They then tried to make the Americans entirely responsibly for their crime. This caused the Americans to pile in hard on the cast and crew of the TV show called "The Mentalist."

So far as my grandmother's flooring is concerned the important thing to remember is that at around 07:30 BST on 10/6/10 the guy who was rostered to install it was involved in a car accident. So I think they guys who got forced into doing it are entitled to consider their work a couple of times before expecting payment. One of the solutions to the toilet problem my Maltese neighbour was asked to look at looks a lot coronary bypass operation. I have spoken to my father regarding the food poisoning issue and he should consider that a verbal warning. I think he's entitled to a written warning before I'm lawfully and economically allowed to punch him in the fucking head.

Elsewhere in the world the FOOTBALL World Cup has begun. So far it has been boring hell. The pre-season game was amazing. This match that was played at Old Trafford, UK was the Soccer Aid game in support of UNICEF. In previous years this has just been Robbie Willams English showbiz mates taking on a rest of the world team made up of his Scottish showbiz mates. This year was different though because the Haiti thing got the USA and its superstars heavily involed. This meant that professional footballers like Lehmann, Zindane, Giggs, Figo and Laresson played alongside Americans like Woody Harelson, Mike Myers, Simon Baker off the Mentalist and that skinny Japanese bloke off Heroes all of whom knew fuck all about football. In the end the game finished 2-2 after normal time and the rest of the world team won about 12-13 on penalties. Tomorrow England play the USA at around 19:00 Bst I think if the yanks get a draw they'll be lucky.

All of this sadly brings me back to yesterday's Baberston bus crash. There are literally hundreds of reasons why the Brits planned this. I've been able to narrow this down to a top three that you can pick from in no particular order;

• Throughout the UK British school aged children have been having special World Cup themed lessons. I think the hope is that, without sounding like a tosser, I will explain to the British 11 year olds and the Americans that Africa is in fact a continent. On that continent the established national boundaries are the product of colonialism and therefore fucking useless. In reality what is more important is the complex human and economic geographies of a number of different tribes and clans.

• In the period between the end of the second world war in 1945 and Mugabe's rise to power in 1980 Britain's MI6 planned to retire a lot of it's agents in northern South Africa and Southern Zimbabwe. After apartheid ended what they got was a lot of white Africans leaving at great speed only to be given senior positions within Britain's MI6.

• Her Majesties Revenue and Customs (the UK taxpayer) is in quite a lot of bother at the moment.The theory is that me and 'Dave will discuss where to make the cuts in such a way that the Queen still gets her £8million per year pay rise from taxpayer. So far we've agreed that it will be a good idea to trim down the number of 19 year old kids who need to go to South Africa as part of their fucking foundation year studies.

Running up behind this we still have the unresolved matter of BP's Gulf of Mexico oil spill. I should start by explaining that although British Petroleum (BP) and British Gas(BG) are both important to the British State they are important in different ways. Founded back in the 1920's BP has always been a safe place for the British Monarch and her loyal subjects to invest. Currently about £1 in ever £6 paid in BP dividends goes to a UK pension fund however BP make around £200bn a year in profits. British Gas on the other hand were set up as part of Thatchers privatisation plan for the north sea strategic oil reserve currently known as Scotland. As a result BP is very rich and BG is very poor. As for the Gulf of Mexico oil spill itself I agree that nothing is just an accident. However I think that this particular accident was caused by BP trying to do their maintenance on the cheap. They'd contracted their maintenance out to a company called Halliburton. Apparently Halliburton are quite closely linked to the previous USA administration.