For those not familiar with the format this TV show takes some frankly quite odd members of the public and locks them in special house for three months. Their actions are constantly filmed and broadcast on national TV. As always all the female housemates have described themselves as bisexual and the housemates can be split into three distinct groups. There are the average, normal people who keep the show running for three months. Then there are the people who provoke public debate about a social or political issue. Finally there are people who "mirror" me and other usually media people. For me and other featured people this final group makes watching the show the psychological equivalent of poking yourself in the eye with a fork. Today though I have made the effort and watched two and a half hours of back to back episodes. So here is part one of my guide to the 2010 Big Brother housemates;
- Steve. 40, white, straight. Clearly the most significant personality in the house Steve is an ex-British solider who lost both his legs and his right eye to an IRA roadside bomb. Since leaving the army he's had eight children and worked tirelessly to raise money for other wounded ex-servicemen. He has been put in the house to remind the country of all the wounded soldiers coming home from Afghanistan and make us believe that this is something that we as a nation should be proud of. He is also there to convince the country of just how terrible the IRA still are. I am vain enough to think that he is also there to represent the elements of my personality that, by media standards, are disciplined and regimented. Steve is the natural for winner but he snores really loudly so the other housemates are likely to keep nominating him for eviction.
- Shabby. 24, white, lesbian. After allegedly getting beaten off by Lindsay Lohan for the role in The Parent Trap Shabby left her wealthy middle class upbringing, gave herself a silly name and got involved in the London squat party scene. There are an awful lot of people who would like to know how, if at all Shabby was involved with the group of squatters behind the Mayfair squat party that ended in a mini-riot in February 2010. Shabby is also a mirror for an American actress called Faruzia Balk who starred in films like American History X. In the mid-late 1990's Faruzia Balk was part of a group of American actors and actresses that included Robin Tunney. Robin Tunney now play Agent Theresa Lisbon in hit US TV show The Mentalist. Shabby is also pronounced similar to Shappi as in Shappi Khorsandi an British/Iranian comedian who had the misfortune to be promoting her book when Iran's Green Revolution kicked off. Therefore Shabby has mainly been put in the house to gather information from the public while giving Shappi Khorsandi, Faruzia Balk, Robin Tunney and the Americans a headache.
- Ife. 25, black, straight. This androgynous model/dancer actually went to the same high school as Shabby. Since then she has worked as a model and backing dancer for Cheryl Cole amongst others. Taken on her own apart from providing eye candy her only purpose is to use her showbiz experience to help keep the show moving.
- Govan. 21, black, gay. Govan looks like dozens of young, androgynous, black gay men. His role in the house is to promote public discussion about attitudes to homosexuality in British black community. During the World Cup the fact that Govan looks a lot like Ife who is of Nigerian descent that the pair of them are in the show in an attempt to promote a more tolerant attitude to homosexuality within Africa. This is a difficult issue because the evidence suggests that a liberal attitude to homosexuality damages economic development. There is a rumour that India came under pressure to legalise homosexuality because its economy continued to grow strongly throughout the world economic meltdown. Therefore this and other efforts to concentrate on the issue of homosexuality in Africa appears to be an attempt to derail the continents efforts at economic development by tangling them up in arguments about gay rights.
- Corin. 29, white, straight. Corin looks like the celebrity Jordan/Katie Price. Although it is hard to tell under all that fake tan there is a hint of Irish traveller heritage about Corin. Last year Channel 4 made a documentary about weddings in Irish traveller communities in which they discovered that many of the brides take inspiration from the weddings of celebrities like Katie Price. Since then Channel 4's desire to learn more about gypsy communities has bordered on the obsessional. With Royal Ascot coming up it's worth pointing out that Irish travellers tend to be horse breeders and members of the British Royal Family tend to be very bad gamblers. Therefore Corin's purpose in the house is to annoy Katie Price and gather information from the public about gypsy communities.
- Ben. 30, white, gay. Ben is the stereotypical upper class British toff and actually has a flicker of Prince William about him. His purpose in the house is to promote discussion about that eternal question about the British upper classes. Are they all really gay or just horrifically inbred? Ben is gay.
- Rachel. 23, mixed race, straight. Rachel works as a professional Beyonce lookalike therefore she is obviously a mirror for Beyonce. What is less obvious is that she also mirrors Kimberly Walsh who may or may not still be in the band Girls Aloud with Cheryl Cole. Kimberly Walsh is currently trying to branch out into a TV career so using Rachel as a mirror gives the industry a chance to feel her out a bit.
- Caoimhe. 22, white, straight. Caoimhe (pronouced Key-vah) is one of the whitest, most Irish women in the world. She is a mirror for a lesbian Radio 1 DJ called Annie Mac. Bizarrely Caoimhe's haircut is similar a gay, male Radio 1 called Nick Grimshaw who is Annie Mac's sort of showbiz husband. Although clearly straight Caoimhe claims rather unconvincingly to be bisexual. Therefore her role in the house it to get on Annie Mac's nerves. Apparently this week it is Annie Mac's responsibility to get out of bed in the morning.
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