I Know I'm Crashing the Football.

But today has been such a shouty working environment I've actually got earache. So here is the rest of my guide to Big Brother 2010 while I've got the chance;

• David. 39, white, straight. This fat Welshman apparently battled drink and drugs throughout his twenties. He then found a god and set up his own evangelical christian sect based on the intoxicating spirit of the lord. His purpose in the house is to promote discussion of and direct abuse at the Welsh, fat and quasi-religious elements of my persona. To make him even more irritating he has also got the worlds most annoying laugh. It has also been suggested that he looks a bit like Mark Chapman, the man who killed John Lennon but I'm pretty sure that's just accidental.

• Nathan. 25, white, straight. As carpenter/joiner Nathan is a just a normal working class guy from the North of England. At a stretch of the imagination he could be said to resemble Wigan Mike of English Defence League (EDL) infamy but a lot of EDL guys are just working class guys from the North of England. Therefore I think Nathan's purpose in the house is to promote discussion and garner sympathy for the wider sociological group rather then the EDL specifically. Also, as the women in the house keep pointing out, Nathan is good husband material so lots of female viewers are likely to keep voting to keep him in the house.

• Josie. 25, white, straight. Josie is sort average looking and of heavier then average build. She compensates for this by having quite a loud personality and a west country accent that makes everything she says sound a bit dirty. Therefore she's like a lot of British women especially the ones that vote in Big Brother. Apparently her parents used to keep horses in the garden of their suburban home. That helps feed the discussion about Corin's gypsy roots. Josie also has one of those faces that if you stare at it long enough you start seeing comparisons with other people who aren't really there. Her main purpose in the house is to provide an affinity with a section of the viewers that keeps them watching and phoning in.

• John James. 24, white, straight. The purpose of this tall, tanned, athletic, handsome aussie with perfect teeth is simple. He's in there to make the girls and a few of the boys go weak at the knees. This adds sexual tension to the house and keeps the viewers viewing while they wait to see him with his shirt off or even better taking someone elses top off.

• Mario. 28, white gay. This son of a Scottish mother and an estranged Italian father is a fairly average young, gay man like a large section of Big Brothers viewers. His purpose in the house is to form a affinity with that section of the audience by holding up mirror to them onto which they can project their hopes, fears and dreams. Mario was randomly chosen from a pre-screened group made up of more of the same. The purpose of him taking on the role of "the mole" in the first week was to divert attention away from why Shabby and Ife seem to know more about what was going on then the other housemates. That is because their show business experience makes them more attuned to the environment. I won't go so far as to call them moles but the production team will try and keep them in the house for as long as possible in order to keep the show moving in the right direction.

Since I wrote about Corin it has emerged that she is not just claiming to be bisexual. She is actually in a relationship with a women following the tragic death of her husband. That means her role is also to put pressure on my mother's and quite a few other lesbian relationships by asking the eternal question; Are they really gay or just suffering from some sort of mental health problem?

That dramatic change in focus makes me think that this, final series is not under the usual lesbian heavy management of previous series. The other clue is that unlike previous years where viewers were only able to vote in a telephone poll this year they are able to project what they think and feel about the contestants onto a recorded "comments" line. That should help the Brits more accurately profile their population.