I Can't Pretend Today Has Been a Good Day

But it's going well.

Now here's my full Big Brother guide because it looks neater when it's all in one place;

• Steve. 40, white, straight. Clearly the most significant personality in the house Steve is an ex-British solider who lost both his legs and his right eye to an IRA roadside bomb. Since leaving the army he's had eight children and worked tirelessly to raise money for other wounded ex-servicemen. He has been put in the house to remind the country of all the wounded soldiers coming home from Afghanistan and make us believe that this is something that we as a nation should be proud of. He is also there to convince the country of just how terrible the IRA still are. I am vain enough to think that he is also there to represent the elements of my personality that, by media standards, are disciplined and regimented. Steve is the natural for winner but he snores really loudly so the other housemates are likely to keep nominating him for eviction.

• Shabby. 24, white, lesbian. After allegedly getting beaten off by Lindsay Lohan for the role in The Parent Trap Shabby left her wealthy middle class upbringing, gave herself a silly name and got involved in the London squat party scene. There are an awful lot of people who would like to know how, if at all Shabby was involved with the group of squatters behind the Mayfair squat party that ended in a mini-riot in February 2010. Shabby is also a mirror for an American actress called Faruzia Balk who starred in films like American History X. In the mid-late 1990's Faruzia Balk was part of a group of American actors and actresses that included Robin Tunney. Robin Tunney now play Agent Theresa Lisbon in hit US TV show The Mentalist. Shabby is also pronounced similar to Shappi as in Shappi Khorsandi an British/Iranian comedian who had the misfortune to be promoting her book when Iran's Green Revolution kicked off. Therefore Shabby has mainly been put in the house to gather information from the public while giving Shappi Khorsandi, Faruzia Balk, Robin Tunney and the Americans a headache.

• Ife. 25, black, straight. This androgynous model/dancer actually went to the same high school as Shabby. Since then she has worked as a model and backing dancer for Cheryl Cole amongst others. Taken on her own apart from providing eye candy her only purpose is to use her showbiz experience to help keep the show moving.

• Govan. 21, black, gay. Govan looks like dozens of young, androgynous, black gay men. His role in the house is to promote public discussion about attitudes to homosexuality in British black community. During the World Cup the fact that Govan looks a lot like Ife who is of Nigerian descent that the pair of them are in the show in an attempt to promote a more tolerant attitude to homosexuality within Africa. This is a difficult issue because the evidence suggests that a liberal attitude to homosexuality damages economic development. There is a rumour that India came under pressure to legalise homosexuality because its economy continued to grow strongly throughout the world economic meltdown. Therefore this and other efforts to concentrate on the issue of homosexuality in Africa appears to be an attempt to derail the continents efforts at economic development by tangling them up in arguments about gay rights.

• Corin. 29, white, straight. Corin looks like the celebrity Jordan/Katie Price. Although it is hard to tell under all that fake tan there is a hint of Irish traveller heritage about Corin. Last year Channel 4 made a documentary about weddings in Irish traveller communities in which they discovered that many of the brides take inspiration from the weddings of celebrities like Katie Price. Since then Channel 4's desire to learn more about gypsy communities has bordered on the obsessional. With Royal Ascot coming up it's worth pointing out that Irish travellers tend to be horse breeders and members of the British Royal Family tend to be very bad gamblers. Therefore Corin's purpose in the house is to annoy Katie Price and gather information from the public about gypsy communities.

• Ben. 30, white, gay. Ben is the stereotypical upper class British toff and actually has a flicker of Prince William about him. His purpose in the house is to promote discussion about that eternal question about the British upper classes. Are they all really gay or just horrifically inbred? Ben is gay.

• Rachel. 23, mixed race, straight. Rachel works as a professional Beyonce lookalike therefore she is obviously a mirror for Beyonce. What is less obvious is that she also mirrors Kimberly Walsh who may or may not still be in the band Girls Aloud with Cheryl Cole. Kimberly Walsh is currently trying to branch out into a TV career so using Rachel as a mirror gives the industry a chance to feel her out a bit.

• Caoimhe. 22, white, straight. Caoimhe (pronouced Key-vah) is one of the whitest, most Irish women in the world. She is a mirror for a lesbian Radio 1 DJ called Annie Mac. Bizarrely Caoimhe's haircut is similar a gay, male Radio 1 called Nick Grimshaw who is Annie Mac's sort of showbiz husband. Although clearly straight Caoimhe claims rather unconvincingly to be bisexual. Therefore her role in the house it to get on Annie Mac's nerves. Apparently this week it is Annie Mac's responsibility to get out of bed in the morning.

• David. 39, white, straight. This fat Welshman apparently battled drink and drugs throughout his twenties. He then found a god and set up his own evangelical christian sect based on the intoxicating spirit of the lord. His purpose in the house is to promote discussion of and direct abuse at the Welsh, fat and quasi-religious elements of my persona. To make him even more irritating he has also got the worlds most annoying laugh. It has also been suggested that he looks a bit like Mark Chapman, the man who killed John Lennon but I'm pretty sure that's just accidental.

• Nathan. 25, white, straight. As carpenter/joiner Nathan is a just a normal working class guy from the North of England. At a stretch of the imagination he could be said to resemble Wigan Mike of English Defence League (EDL) infamy but a lot of EDL guys are just working class guys from the North of England. Therefore I think Nathan's purpose in the house is to promote discussion and garner sympathy for the wider sociological group rather then the EDL specifically. Also, as the women in the house keep pointing out, Nathan is good husband material so lots of female viewers are likely to keep voting to keep him in the house.

• Josie. 25, white, straight. Josie is sort average looking and of heavier then average build. She compensates for this by having quite a loud personality and a west country accent that makes everything she says sound a bit dirty. Therefore she's like a lot of British women especially the ones that vote in Big Brother. Apparently her parents used to keep horses in the garden of their suburban home. That helps feed the discussion about Corin's gypsy roots. Josie also has one of those faces that if you stare at it long enough you start seeing comparisons with other people who aren't really there. Her main purpose in the house is to provide an affinity with a section of the viewers that keeps them watching and phoning in.

• John James. 24, white, straight. The purpose of this tall, tanned, athletic, handsome aussie with perfect teeth is simple. He's in there to make the girls and a few of the boys go weak at the knees. This adds sexual tension to the house and keeps the viewers viewing while they wait to see him with his shirt off or even better taking someone elses top off.

• Mario. 28, white gay. This son of a Scottish mother and an estranged Italian father is a fairly average young, gay man like a large section of Big Brothers viewers. His purpose in the house is to form a affinity with that section of the audience by holding up mirror to them onto which they can project their hopes, fears and dreams. Mario was randomly chosen from a pre-screened group made up of more of the same. The purpose of him taking on the role of "the mole" in the first week was to divert attention away from why Shabby and Ife seem to know more about what was going on then the other housemates. That is because their show business experience makes them more attuned to the environment. I won't go so far as to call them moles but the production team will try and keep them in the house for as long as possible in order to keep the show moving in the right direction.

Since I wrote about Corin it has emerged that she is not just claiming to be bisexual. She is actually in a relationship with a women following the tragic death of her husband. That means her role is also to put pressure on my mother's and quite a few other lesbian relationships by asking the eternal question; Are they really gay or just suffering from some sort of mental health problem?

That dramatic change in focus makes me think that this, final series is not under the usual lesbian heavy management of previous series. The other clue is that unlike previous years where viewers were only able to vote in a telephone poll this year they are able to project what they think and feel about the contestants onto a recorded "comments" line. That should help the Brits more accurately profile their population.