Big Brother: Oh I Can't Keep Up.

Since my last halfway sensible post on the subject there have been major changes in the UK Big Brother house. Nathan, Sunshine, Govan, Ife and Rachel have all been evicted by public vote and Shabby walked out. So three new housemates; Keeley, Andrew and (another) Rachel were put into the house. Then Caiomhe walked out and Keeley had to quit after breaking her ankle. So three new housemates; Jo, JJ and Laura were put in. Within four days Laura had walked out.

So the original housemates left are;

• Josie. 25, white, straight. Still carrying on her will they/won't they? relationship with John-James. This has actually now progressed to the point that it's more of a have they/haven't they? relationship. At one point someone dressed Josie up in a wedding dress and got her to chase a terrified John-James around the house for a day.

• John-James. 24, white, straight. The stress of the Josie situation along with something I'll explain more fully later in this post is making John-James' head spin. So far I think he's broken down in tears once and tried to walk out twice only to be talked out of it by the other housemates and production staff.

• Ben. 30, white, gay. Still very posh, still very gay. Ben is starting to be more relaxed about his homosexuality but has also reigned in his infatuation with Mario.

• Steve. 40, white, straight. Still the alpha male of the house. He had his position challenged by Keeley but she tried so hard she ended up breaking her ankle leaving Steve still very much in charge.

• Dave. 39, white, straight. He's had his haircut so no longer looks like my grandmother's cleaner. He's also backed off from his Christian preaching in favour of Christian behaviour meaning that he spends a lot of his time looking after the younger, more vulnerable housemates. It is worth noting that Dave really does snore very loudly. Therefore his earlier attempt to shield Steve from embarrassment could well have been motivated by guilt.

• Corin. 29, white, straight. Since the unpleasantness of the Shabby/Coaimhe relationship has been removed from the house Corin has really blossomed into the role of den mother. Along with Dave and to a lesser extent Mario she is probably the key person holding the house together amid all the comings and goings.

• Mario. 28, white, gay. Still an all round nice guy. There's not really much else to add.

The three new housemates who entered the house on July 9th 2010 are;

• Keeley. 31, white, straight. Keeley's career in sales/travel agent means that she is more skilled then average in human behaviour and psychology. She also reminds me of a social worker who I knew socially in my Brighton days. Apart from annoying me Keeley's presence in the house was to promote a discussion about economic restructuring in post-credit crunch Britain where the need for social care workers is rising while the ability to pay for foreign holidays is falling. This argument failed to materialise after Keeley broke her ankle and had to leave the house.

• Andrew. 19, white, straight. Andrew passed his maths A-level at 13, five years before most people so he is obviously very intelligent. He is though hopelessly socially inept and with no sexual experience whatsoever he is especially uncomfortable around female housemates. It's like watching a child being unleashed in an adult world and so far we have seen Andrew go into a fit of teenage curiosity over whether or not Josie and John-James are having sex and drink until he made himself sick under Dave's fatherly supervision. He also looks like a friend of mines younger brother although I didn't immediately make the connection because no-ones ever going to describe the younger brother as a maths genius.

• Rachel. 29, black straight. Rachel has a very strong physical resemblance to Miquita Oliver, a Channel 4 presenter and a weaker resemblance to British singer Corrine Bailey Rae. On her own Rachel's presence in the house is to put pressure on Corrine Bailey Rae because the Brits are very interested in her unusual personal life which saw her husband die of a heroin overdose last year. It is also to put pressure on Miquita Oliver, who I assume has been a naughty girl, and get the Americans to explain why US pop star Ke$ha's management insisted that Miquita Oliver was suspended for being a little bit rude to Ke$ha. Since Jo's arrival in the house Rachel appears to be reverting to childhood losing both the Miquita Oliver and Corrine Bailey Rae aspects of her image in the process.

The three new housemates who entered the house on July 23rd 2010 are;

• Jo. 41, black, straight. This self described "cougar" from Luton looks a bit like the Dr Alexx Woods character from CSI:Miami. Her main purpose in the house though is that she is a generic black, British single mother who gave birth in her mid-teens. Now that child has grown up and possibly had children of their own the mother is back on the market looking for new, younger boyfriends. Rachel is the generic black, British daughter of such a mother. Putting Jo and Rachel in the house together forces Rachel into the childhood role and provides a case study in parenting amongst this particular social sub-set. Mirrors of Jo are currently rising to senior positions in middle level establishment employers such local councils throughout the UK.

• Laura. 20, white, straight. This quiet, young girl couldn't take the pace in the house and left after four days. Today's Sun newspaper summed up her Big Brother career beautifully with the headline "Woman you've never heard of leaves house!"

• Joe-John (JJ). 23, white, straight. On his audition tape JJ looked a lot like a bouncer who featured in a Channel 4 social programming documentary on binge drinking. That bouncer was a mixed martial arts fighter and a proper bite your face off hardcase. JJ is not that man. Although he's done a bit of boxing he's mainly a lookalike for the ex-Eastenders actor and low rent gay icon Joe Swash. He could also be a lookalike for Olly Murs, an X-Factor contestant who is currently trying to launch a pop career. JJ's presence in the house is a way for the industry to feel out either Joe Swash or Olly Murs although Olly Murs is himself a lookalike for Joe Swash so yes this is the moment Britain's celebrity culture actually eats itself. Apart from having an incredibly similar name JJ also looks a lot like John-James. For more information on how Big Brother contestants are selected try to get hold of a copy of; "Derren Brown's The System."

Jo, Laura and JJ were picked from a pool of six by the other housemates after a discussion that was only allowed to last 30 odd seconds. The other three possible new housemates seemed more interesting but we only got to see their audition tapes which, as JJ demonstrates, can be mis-leading. However they are;

• Megan. 20, white, straight. From Liverpool Megan looks like a cross between Josie and Abby Clancy. A model and partner of England footballer Peter Crouch, Abby Clancy has turned her hand to TV presenting appearing in a couple of Channel 4 shows and most recently in ITV's "James Corden's World Cup Live." Megan's presence in the house would have allowed the industry to feel out Abby Clancy and confuse both the viewer and Josie.

• Joel. Age Unknown, black, straight. Joel looks a lot like a bouncer who worked on the Brixton circuit. His purpose in the house would be to increase pressure on Brixton in an attempt to improve the intelligence picture on this mysterious area of London.

• Sam. Age Unknown, white, straight. Appearing in fashionably unfashionable thick framed glasses, a hideous multi-coloured hooded top and a stupid baseball cap Sam is like thousands of hipsters who populate oh so trendy bars and nightclubs in places like Camden, Brixton and Brighton. Unkind people would report that he dresses like me and he certainly dresses like a lot of people who try and dress like me. His inclusion in the house would have really annoyed me and provoked discussion about elements of my persona while no doubt causing more then a bit of confusion.

If Sam, JJ and Joel had been the three selected to go into the house it would have caused a lot of tension in the Brixton area of London which earlier in the week had to suffer the indignity of a official visit by Prince Charles, HRH Prince of Wales. As it turned out John-James, under a lot of pressure, picked the three civilians. While the new management at Big Brother will no doubt be having a full inquiry into John-James' choice I don't think he knows why he did it. However having to explain why he chose a man that looks just like him and his other choices to the other housemates and himself is what's causing John-James so much stress in the house.

Tomorrow (30/7) one of either Andrew, Ben, Dave or John-James will be evicted by public vote. Laura's early exit one new housemate will enter the house. I don't think the management will be leaving anything to chance this time so I've got a nasty feeling the new housemate will be either Sam or Joel.