It Certainly Beats the War Boys.

On Wednesday (19/9/18) I went down to Salisbury to visit my mothers.

Clutching a copy of that day's The Sun newspaper.

I returned home in the past hour or so.

Dispelling exactly no lesbian stereotypes my mothers have always owned cats.

There was of course Jasmine who thought I was so brilliant she once tried climbing into my bag so I would take her home with me. Back in January 2011. In London Jasmine had a brother who someone rather cruelly poisoned with anti-freeze.

So my mothers got Jasmine a new brother who was a rescue cat. That meant he'd had quite a hard life already.

Apparently he was brought as a kitten by a man in a pub who was trying to impress his girlfriend. The girlfriend was not impressed, the couple broke up and the cat was dumped in a rescue shelter.

After waiting for ages in the shelter he finally found a new forever home. Unfortunately the human at his forever home promptly died. So he was once again dumped in a rescue centre.

No sooner had he found a new forever home the humans there decided to move him to an entirely new home on the other side of the country. To make matter worse they also insisted in getting a boisterous puppy who has grown into a very naughty dog.

So that cat has basically just moved out now. I think I've seen him once in two and a half years.

At the end of the summer my mothers decided to get two new kittens. Who are currently about the same size and shape as the dog's chew toys.

So I couldn't resist the opportunity to see how dog and old cat were coping with the new arrivals. The answer involves separate rooms and lots of firmly shut doors.

While there I did not visit Salisbury Cathedral. With its famous 123m (404ft) spire and its famous clock which has been running continuously since 1386 AD. As Jay Z well knows that is both of my mothers' place of work.

I feel I should point out that my trip was planned and confirmed the day before Russia announced it had located Alexander Petrov and Ruslan Boshirov. And two days before the two men gave their interview to the RT news channel. So if I am the Russian troll Twitter insists that I am then clearly I'm in trouble with my handler.

In response to that interview at lot of British people expressed incredulity that two men would travel from Moscow in Russia to London in the UK for a weekend. Much less that they would then travel from London to Salisbury. I don't think those people appreciate quite how large a country Russia actually is.

Whatever you may feel about its politics Russia is undeniably vast. It stretches across nine timezones - three times as many of the US. In terms of surface area Russia is roughly the same size as Pluto. The Pluto which is constantly at the centre of a debate over whether it is a planet or merely a dwarf planet.

The distance between Moscow and London is roughly the same as the distance between St Petersburg and Sochi. During the 2018 World Cup the England team were based near St Petersburg. They travelled down to Sochi to play Croatia before travelling back to the team base.

Those of you who remember the 2014 Winter Olympics will know that Russia are very proud of their railway network. Particularly the Trans-Siberian Railway which runs from Moscow to Vladivostok which borders China and the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (DPRK/North).

On the Trans-Siberian Railway a journey from one end of the line to the other takes around two weeks. Which coincidentally is about the same time it takes to travel from Caterham to London Victoria on Southern Rail.

Even with the stop at Andover the journey from London Waterloo to Salisbury takes an entirely reasonable 90 minutes. With South-West Trains seeming to be the only UK rail franchise that actually works.

The purpose of my visit meant that I spent most of my time sitting quietly on a sofa with pockets crammed full of kitten treats. Aloofly waiting to be approached.

Apart from that I did pretty much what I do every day. It's just whereas normally I would be staring at my tablet sitting in a chair indoors there I was staring at my tablet sitting in a chair in the garden. Supervising the dog's free play.

Not playing with the dog you understand. Merely providing a human anchor to allow the gun dog to hurtle around the garden trying to get leaves to fly up in the air so they could be shot and retrieved. That is a much safer option for a gun dog that is afraid of the sound of gunshots.

My mothers and I decided we should help support Salisbury's economy by going out for a meal on Thursday (20/9/18).

The problem was that my mothers had their hearts set on Chinese food. China led the Organisation for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons (OPCW) investigation into the Skripal poisoning. Which I suspect led to a few tense phonecalls with family back in the old country.

We were debating this on Wednesday (19/9/18) while watching the BBC 10 O'Clock News. Which was broadcasting live from outside the place we'd stopped for coffee just a few hours later.

So we decided the best strategy to be supportive was to get a takeaway. That way they still got the money but don't have to put up with me sitting in the middle of their restaurant. If anything Zizzi's has been excessively punished for the slightly rude service they offered on my last visit.

We did though decide to wander around the city centre and get lunch. We very nearly went to Prezzos. The Italian restaurant which was locked down of Sunday (16/9/18) evening. However we decided that probably a little too on the nose.

So instead we went to a cosy restaurant just off the High Street. I had a very nice Pastrami sandwich. Obviously with the Russian dressing.

Just before I left we actually stopped for lunch at the Old Ale House and Coffee Bar. The pub across the road from Prezzos which was also locked down. However that was entirely by accident. None of us could remember the name of the pub around the corner with the food that lets the dog in until after we'd sat down and ordered.

When there are guests staying the dog has a tendency to get over excited. So it is a tradition that any visit involves a really long walk to tire the dog out. This time we went to Old Sarum which continues to be an entirely different place from Stonehenge. This was simply because it was near-by and the chalk soil drains any rain water away quickly.

Old Sarum is always really windy. Which along with the water supply problems is why they moved the Cathedral from there to its current location in the 12th Century.It is also close to a small, recreational airfield. The last time I was there in January 2018 it was so windy we were wondering if the airfield was still operating when we saw and aircraft flying overhead.

Eventually we realised it was an Apache helicopter gunship. Which fortunately was on a positioning flight rather than in attack mode. I don't think Old Sarum's earthen ramparts would have been much use if it had been in full beast mode.

It is of course a shame the security situation in Khanistan remains so bad that it prevents me from making more of a performance of these little trips.

After all if you are visiting a place which is now referred to by some locals as; "Novichok Central."

And you just happen to own a gasmask and protective gloves.

Well, surely that is how you have to triumphantly emerge from the train station.

17:15 on 21/9/18 (UK date).