The Still Not Worthy of the Name 2017

As I've mentioned attempts to stage a 2017 Eurovision Song Contest have been plagued by problems.

This has led to the majority of nations seeming to approach it under the assumption that it would be cancelled. If it did go ahead many were also concerned that they would have to stage a boycott and withdraw. Finally no-one seemed to want risk doing anything that would overshadow Russia's certain victory.

So the most defining feature of this year is just how little effort most people have put into their entries.

The Eurovision Song Contest is very much defined by the people that turn up. However what tends to happen is that nations identify broad political/social issues that are important to them.

Obviously many nations are concerned about the same thing so common threads tend to emerge from this range of issues forming the main trends. In particularly strong years - such as 2016 - a lingua franca or "bridging language" emerges allowing these trends to be discussed in often quite a lot of detail.

This year there haven't so much been common themes as specific issues which small groups of nations have gathered around.

If there is an overarching theme of 2017 it is Shamali Province and the decision to allow them to host the event.

The 2015 Song Contest was dominated by nations being forced to approve or disapprove of the creation of Shamali Province in the broad geographic area of what used to be the nation state of Ukraine in the spring of 2014. In 2016 this had shifted to near universal condemnation of Shamali Province.

This year that chorus of disapproval seems to have shifted into a contest within a contest over who can be the most insulting towards Shamali Province.

That contest has clearly been won by Moldova.

Moldova: They were represented by Sunstroke Project with the song; "Hey Mama."

This is a song about a young man about to take a young woman out on a date. He's reassuring the woman's mother that he's not going to steal her daughter away from her. The man is very clearly Russia while the woman is Crimea and the mother is Shamali Province. The song ends with the man not only running away with the woman but also the mother.

To go and sing this song in Shamali Province is obviously hugely insulting to them. What makes it even more insulting is that it that also teaches Shamali Province the lesson it seems to badly need of how to be really insulting and really political whilst sticking to Eurovision's No Overt Politics rule.

Moldova even went so far as to provide a device to allow the controversy they're courting to be discreetly discussed;

Although not in any way pornographic the video in support of the song is shot in the broad visual style of American pornography. The nearest thing I can compare it to is the video to the 2009 song; "Stacey's Mom" by the US band Fountains of Wayne which is very much aimed at the heterosexual teenage boy market.

The Song Contest is not so gay that it is compulsory. However if you're are looking to win you normally try to appeal to its large gay male fanbase. Very aggressive and in this case particularly puerile displays of heterosexuality can be misconstrued and cause offence.

The video also features a small reference to the very silly video for the very silly Dropkick Murphys song; "The Spicy McHaggis Jig." Thanks in no small part to Melissa McCarthy this is now the official theme music of US White House spokesman and Boston Red Sox fan Sean Spicer.

Particularly within US politics Shamali Province is held up as an example of Russian Aggression and the need to protect the NATO member states of Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania from that Russian aggression. As such you would expect those Baltic states to be amongst the most supportive of Shamali Province.

Latvia: Of the Baltic states they were the most supportive of Shamali Province and in particular the US position. 

They were represented by Tirana Park who are billed as one of the most credible acts within Latvian music. In an effort to prove their credibility they talk frequently about their appearances at the South by Southwest (SXSW) festival in the US state of Texas.

Despite these strong links to the US the most supportive Latvia can be towards Shamali Province is to adopt a position of neutrality.

Their song; "Line" constantly poses a question of whether there is a line and whether it has been crossed.

You could interpret this as a reference to Russia's alleged threats to its border line. However you can also interpret it as a reference to a moral line. The question being whether Shamali Province's junta has any moral standards while expressing frustration that they keep crossing Latvia's own moral line.

However it must be said in their semi-final performance Latvia almost completely dropped the suggestion of neutrality making it very clear they were talking about Shamali Province's lack of a moral line.

The video in support of Latvia's entry also includes references such as an archer to the famous British legend of Robin Hood. This is not to be confused with the other famous British Legend of King Arthur.

The legend of King Arthur is currently being retold in the movie; "King Arthur: Legend of the Sword". Filmed on location in England, Scotland and Wales this movie draws attention to Britain’s constitute nations.

The lead in the movie is played by Charlie Hunnam. I suppose he could be mistaken with another famous British actor Tom Hardy. However not by British Eurovision presenter Scott Mills. He is apparently very focused on every inch of who Tom Hardy is.

Charlie Hunnam rose to fame in the US TV Show; "Sons of Anarchy." Due to scheduling issues I think I've only ever seen about six episodes of this show. However all the episodes I have seen centred around efforts to end the motorcycle gang's long standing business of running guns to Irish Republicans. More of that later.

Estonia: This year Estonia have given us a grand Song Contest love story. They are represented by Koit Toome & Laura.

Laura represented Estonia at the 2005 Song Contest going on to become Estonia's most played radio star that decade. Koit Toome represented Estonia at the 1998 Song Contest going on to be the biggest selling Estonia male singer of that decade. Laura is now the head of the Estonian Jazz Union while Koit Toome is a huge musical theatre star.

The 2017 contest is the first time that these two powerhouses of Estonian music have been brought together as a couple.

The song; "Verona" is written by Sven Lohmus another powerhouse of Estonian music who has had more than 100 hit singles and represented Estonia at the Song Contest four times. The song is said to be inspired by famous British writer William Shakespeare and the Italian city of Verona where Shakespeare set his famous play; "Romeo & Juliet."

The Baltic states and Estonia in particular are very much the success stories of the fall of the Soviet Union. They are all now extremely young, vibrant liberal democracies with strong economies.

Initially Estonia and the Baltic states were supportive of the creation of Shamali Province mistaking it for a popular revolution that would create a nation similar to their own. By invoking the star crossed lovers as an example of western culture Estonia seem to be making it very clear that they have fallen out of love with Shamali Province and its extremely illiberal Nazi and neo-Nazi junta.

I don't want to give away any spoilers but Romeo & Juliet is actually a tragedy. They both end up committing suicide.

Rather than trying to win themselves Estonia actually seem to be lobbying on behalf of the Italian entry. More of that though later.

Lithuania: The most spectacular condemnation of Shamali Province from not just the Baltics but all competitors comes from Lithuania. Not only have they condemned Shamali Province they have completely Trolled them.

I personally think the Internet art form of Trolling gets a bad name. When you hear about it in the tabloid news it's always about someone threatening to kill or rape or generally be abusive towards someone else. This is not Trolling. This is just being extremely rude to people.

Actual Trolling is a much more delicate skill. Obviously there are a variety of techniques but one of my favourites is when you pretend to agree with someone whose views you find repellent. You then very subtly manipulate them in either agreeing with your true views rejecting their views entirely or getting them to agree to things that are so ridiculous they look the fool.

Rather than Russian aggression the majority of Shamali Province's current problems are caused by their junta's extreme racism. They frequently talk about wanting to expel the Russian invaders from their country. However rather than talking about Russian citizens from Russia what they mean is people who are ethnically Russia many of whose ancestors have lived in what was Ukraine for the last thousand years or so.

Apart from trying to kill all the ethnic Russians who tend to live east of the Dnipro River Shamali Province is also trying to exclude them from public life making them second class citizens in their own country. This is being done under the guise of a; "De-Communisation" program which bans the use of the Russian language and removes anything associated with Russia.

2017 of course marks the 100th anniversary of Russia's Communist revolution. Lithuania's song by Fused Marc is entitled; "Rain of Revolution." It presents the notion of revolution as a violent and unpleasant one. With lots of use of fire and smoke in the video it seems to liken the rain to revolution to the raining down of artillery shells.

It's likely that supporters of Shamali Province will look at that and see Lithuania standing shoulder-to-shoulder with them against the evil Communist (Russian) revolutionaries.

In reality Lithuania is delivering a big F*ck You! to Shamali Province making it quite clear that their hateful fascist revolution has nothing to do with the liberal values of tolerance and inclusion that Lithuania aspires to represent.

Unfortunately none of the Baltic states made it through to the Grand Final. Rather than being due to them expressing an unpopular this seems to owe more to the fact that during the first semi-final Shamali Province's Nazis and neo-Nazis were throwing smoke and petrol bombs at the police outside the venue in Kiev.

As such the delicate artistic types who populate the contest seem to have decided they didn't want to spend the week ratcheting up the aggression and hostility to genocidal proportions. As things stood the local security were really not happy.

Of the 41 competitors this year Shamali Province did though manage to find some supporters. Two to be precise.

Georgia: Shamali Province was created during the 2014 Winter Olympics held in Sochi, Russia.

During the 2008 Summer Olympics held in Beijing, China Georgia's then President Mikheil Saaskashvili hit on a rather insane idea. He would attack Georgia's ethnically Russian population in the protection zones of South Ossetia and Abkhazia. This would force Russia to intervene prompting NATO to leap to Georgia's defence triggering a war in which NATO would vanquish Russia.

So in that sense Shamali Province are very much kindred spirits. So much so that when Saakashvili was finally prosecuted by Georgia in 2014 he simply fled to Shamali Province where he became the Mayor of Odessa. A city that seems very fond of petrol bombs.

This year Georgia are represented by Tamara Gachechiladze. In 2009 she was part of the band Stephane & 3G. Their song; "We Don't Wanna Put In" was deemed an overt reference to Russian President Vladimir Putin and therefore in violation of the No Overt Politics rule. Rather than making changes to their entry Georgia that year withdrew their entry and boycotted the contest.

Georgia's song this year; "Keep The Faith" pledges full support to Shamali Province. It urges them to keep the faith and keep doing what they're doing because one day both Georgia and Shamali Province will fulfil their dream of cleansing the entire planet of ethnic Russians.

However the faith referenced in the song is clearly the Christian faith. As such it serves as a veiled warning to Shamali Province's Nazis and neo-Nazi's not to trust the ethnically Turkish or Tartar population who tend to be Muslim.

Also both South Ossetia and Abkhazia have both recently held referendums to rejoin Russia. Therefore the outcome of Saakashvili's 2008 war of aggression is that Georgia has permanently lost two chunks of its territory. That's got some in Georgia doubting whether theirs is really a model for Shamali Province to follow.

The video in support of Georgia's song features a woman who looks a lot like Lucie Jones who is representing the UK this year.

Last year Georgia tried really hard to win with Nika Kocharov and the Young Georgian Lolitaz who were the coolest and most cutting edge band in Georgia at the time. The problem was that the coolest and most cutting edge band in Georgia are a lot like British bands from nearly 30 years ago such as the Stone Roses.

Just before Georgia performed in last year's second semi-final the UK announced that the Stone Roses were reforming to perform for the first time in 20 years. The UK were then forced to apologise profusely for so blatantly insulting Georgia's entry.

Finally Tamara Gachechiladze is white. However in the video she appears with so much fake tan and permed hair you might confuse her as black. In short she looks similar to Rachel Dolezal.

Thus demonstrating that Georgia are once again throwing everything they've got at the contest in the hope that something will stick. But once again Georgia are about several years out of date.

Poland: At the end of the Second World War the allied powers - France, the UK, the US and the Soviet Union - met in Yalta, Crimea. One of the things they agreed at that meeting was to move Poland west. So what is now western Poland used to be part of Germany and eastern Poland used to extend it what is now western Shamali Province.

As a result there are strong cultural links between Poland and Shamali Province. Particularly amongst their Nazis and neo-Nazis. For example the 14th Grenadier Division of Nazi Germany's Waffen SS was made up of Polish Nazis and members of the Ukrainian Insurgent Army (UIA/UPA).

Therefore Poland have long been strong supporters of the creation of Shamali Province and anything to anti-Russian. This is particularly true following the election of the Law & Justice Party (PiS) to Poland's government in 2015.

This increasingly right-wing party frequently tries to distract from opposition at home by spinning increasingly elaborate conspiracy theories about the 2010 plane crash in Smolensk, Russia in which many senior members of the Polish establishment were killed including the President and PiS founder Lech Kaczynski. 

Although its well accepted that this plane crash was an accident and the result of bad weather the PiS continue to try and claim it was a Russian assassination operation.

Poland's are represented this year by Kasia Mos with the song; "Flashlight." This not only expresses support from Shamali Province and more aggression against Russia but urges other European nations to follow suit by shining a light on what they claim is Russian wrongdoing.

The video in support of the song features trees and something of a thick wood. One of PiS' more elaborate conspiracy theories is that after shooting down President Kaczynski's plane the Russians cut holes in trees to make it appear as though the plane had crashed in the woods.

The song is partly written by Rickard Bonde who runs the Mega Music High School stage school in Sweden. Initially Sweden were also very strong supporters of the creation of Shamali Province. So by highlighting the link to Sweden Poland are particularly urging Sweden to continue their support for Shamali Province.

Sweden: This year they are represented by Robin Bengtsson with the song; "I Can't Go On." In a year where subtly is in short supply this makes it quite clear that Sweden now feels that it can no longer go on supporting Shamali Province.

Both in the video and his stage performances Bengtsson is accompanied by sharp suited male dancers. These resemble his security detail or bodyguards in reference to what a dangerous place Shamali Province is to hold a singing competition.

Those dancers performed on treadmills in a clear reference to the 2006 video for the song; "Here We Go Again" by the band OK Go. In this Brexit era that could be the set up for a million and one jokes. However everyone in Eurovision knows that level of plagiarism is only going to see you marked down.

So while Poland continue to support Shamali Province they know they are extremely isolated in that support and in danger of becoming a minority of one within the European Union (EU).

Aside from the long list of nations condemning Shamali Province two also specifically criticised the European Broadcasting Union (EBU) for going ahead with plans to host the 2017 contest in Shamali Province.

Iceland: During the Cold War Iceland was an extremely important if often forgotten about nation. It played host to the Keflavik Air Base. This not only gave the US a forward position from where to attack the Soviet Union it also gave the US' Northern Air Defence (NORAD) advanced monitoring to warn of a potential Soviet strike.

As part of his efforts to increase tensions with Russia former US President Barack Obama announced plans to reopen the Keflavik Air Base in early 2016 as if nuclear war once again loomed. Iceland's Song Contest entry that year - "Hear Them Calling" by Greta Salome - openly mocked Obama's claim of Russian aggression.

Shortly after current US President Donald Trump was inaugurated in January 2017 sections of the US media started putting about the ridiculous conspiracy that Presidents Trump and Putin planned a secret meeting in Iceland. This was inspired by a storyline in the US TV Show "House of Cards" in which the fictional US and Russian Presidents held a secret meeting in the Jordan Valley in Israel/Palestine.

Through their song; "Paper" by Svala Halldarson Iceland was mocking the US media by posing the question of whether Iceland gets a say in any of this or whether the place is just words on a piece of paper to the Americans.

Highlighting their traditional location midway between Russia and the US Iceland was also putting itself forward as an alternative host for the 2017 contest on the assumption that Shamali Province would be stripped of hosting rights.

Also as one of the few nations this year to put much effort into their entry - Svala is Icelandic pop royalty and one time headliner of the San Francisco Gay Pride event in the US - Iceland was also indicating that they'd quite like to host the 2018 Song Contest. The video in support of the song did though take the time to warn people that Iceland is a very cold country.

Malta: This year they were represented by Claudia Faniello with the song; "Breathlessly." As her name suggests Claudia Faniello is the child of an Italian father and Maltese mother. This highlights the solidarity between Italy and Malta over the Mediterranean migrant route.

The video in support of the song starts with a man and a woman in the aftermath of an argument. The video then runs backwards in time to show the argument at a big, expensive gala event - rather like the gala that opens the Song Contest every year.

The message to the EBU being that surely they'd like to go back in time and change their decision to let Shamali Province attempt to host the 2017 contest. After all Malta would be more than happy to step in as a last minute replacement.

The EBU is a pan-European body. However like many other such organisations it is physically based in neutral Switzerland. This year Switzerland took it upon themselves to speak on behalf of the EBU.

Switzerland: They were represented by Timbelle who are a three piece made up of a Romanian signer, a Romanian pianist and a Swiss drummer.

Romania were unable to compete in the 2016 Song Contest because their membership of the EBU had been suspended over the non-payment of membership fees. Romania's debts had been piling up for a number of years so action was always going to come. However I think what drove that action to be taken in 2016 was to serve as a warning to everyone but particularly Shamali Province that rule breaking has consequences.

In light of the EBU's tolerance of Shamali Province's extreme and persistent rule breaking Romania's suspension now seems particularly harsh.

By highlighting the links with Romania Switzerland - adopting the voice of the EBU - was welcoming them back into the fold.

The song is entitled; "Apollo." Apollo is a very important god in both Roman and Greek mythology however through the lead singers style of dress its clear the entry as pushing the Greek interpretation. That shows Apollo to be the god of prophecy and truth.

When Shamali Province was awarded the rights to host the 2017 Song Contest many prophesied that it would be a disaster. The truth is that is has been a disaster.

Apollo is also considered the god of music and healing. So in the voice of the EBU Switzerland were acknowledging that awarding Shamali Province the rights to host the 2017 contest they probably made a mistake. However they were urging everyone to put that mistake behind them and allow everyone to heal. 

It almost goes without saying that Shamali Province continue to support themselves.

Shamali Province: At the 2016 Song Contest Shamali Province not only broke but utterly disregarded the No Overt Politics rule with their song; "1944" by Jamala.

At the time I said this rule was important because it prevents every song becoming a Grindcore or very heavy metal tirade which would create an unwatchable competition. At the 2016 contest a handful or nations actually entered Grindcore tirades in protest at Shamali Province's rule breaking.

This year Shamali Province are represented by O.Torvald with the song; "Time." This is a Grindcore tirade. In the video in support of the song the band perform with bomb style digital red clocks counting down from 3 minutes strapped to their chests. However when they reach zero the clocks start counting forward in green.

As such Shamali Province seem well aware that both time and patience is running out for them. However they are aggressively unapologetic and intent on carrying on doing what they've been doing these past three years.

10:35 on 14/5/17 (UK date).