The 2018 Eurovision Song Contest: Brooklyn Nine Nine.

I'll agree. A somewhat late and somewhat left-field entry.

The US TV Show; "Brooklyn Nine Nine."

In the UK Brooklyn Nine Nine is broadcast on the E4 channel. Part of the Channel 4 network. Like constantly.

However new episodes are traditionally broadcast in the spring. At around 21:00 on Thursday evenings.

So obviously I had to miss the May 8th (8/5/18) episode. As I was watching Eurovision's Second Semi-Final. However I did make sure to record it.

During the Second Semi-Final I checked Twitter and saw that Brooklyn Nine Nine was the number 1 global trend. Convincing me that I was missing the greatest episode ever broadcast.

It turned out though that it was just the show's fans protesting that it had been cancelled.

I think Brooklyn Nine Nine is the sort of show that would be welcomed by the Eurovision community. For a number of reasons.

Firstly its strong work in promoting gay-rights. Particularly the way it goes about it.

The "Captain Raymond Holt" character is played by Andre Braugher. Who some of you may remember from the US TV Show; "Homicide: Life on the Street." Which ran from 1993 to 1999.

At the time this cop show really revolutionised the way that TV shows are made. It was one of the first shows to be shot on handheld video cameras. Whereas before only large, static cameras had been used.

This gave the show a much more realistic feel. With the camera moving much more as a real person would move. As a result Homicide: Life of the Street was hailed by the critics and immediately copied by pretty much everyone.

If you were wondering what Andre Braugher was doing between Homicide: Life on the Street and Brooklyn Nine Nine it was gay-rights activism. Proper, hardcore gay-rights activism.

I am one of the few people who've sat through the 2003 TV movie; "Soldier's Girl." So allow me to assure you that all those jokes about the; "African-American Gay and Lesbian New York City Policeman's Association (AAGLNYCPA)" are not jokes at all.

Within the show's pilot it's established that the Raymond Holt character is gay. Apart from the fact that he keeps a small Gay Pride flag on his desk it then really doesn't come up at all. After all why should his sexuality need to come up in what is a workplace sitcom.

Occasionally the joke will revolve around the Captain being in a bad mood because his spouse is away on a long work trip. Or that the Captain's dog has run away because it misses the absent spouse.

In those scenarios the fact that the Captain's spouse is another man is almost an afterthought. As I think it should be.

It helps that both the Raymond Holt character and his spouse, the Kevin Cozner character are two of the dullest human beings every created. About as far away as it is possible to get from that, often negative, stereotype of a gay man as some sort of flaming queen.

I think this approach is really important when trying to promote gay rights.

I know from experience there are people who will just shut down the moment you mention the word; "Gay." As soon as they've heard that they will not hear another word you have to say. 

I also know from experience though that most people are actually quite reasonable. Provided you tell them the story first, only adding in the homophobes' shut down code at the last minute.

A prime example of this is actually Finland's 2018 Song Contest representative Saraa Alto.

In her time on the UK version of X-Factor Saraa Alto was used as a metaphor for a tragic love story.

Between a young Finnish woman and a young South African man. Their relationship was hampered by the fact that prior to meeting he had actually been legally declared Persona Non Grata in Finland.

This is a common problem for gay couples. With gay marriage, in its legal sense, not being recognised people can't apply for visas and citizenship for their spouses. Long distance relationships are hard enough without that extra level of legal pressure.

Saraa Alto is gay. Like super gay. However the metaphor she was used to tell did not mention homosexuality at all. It merely focused on the legal, immigration issues.

As a result a lot of previously homophobic people suddenly realised. Yeah, actually that's a really sh*t way to treat people.

All we need to do now is find a way for Saraa Alto, as a gay woman, to be accepted by the gay men who traditionally make up a large section of the Eurovision community. That though will have to be a story for another day.

I also think Brooklyn Nine Nine would be popular with the Eurovision community because it's certainly not afraid of an in-joke.

In fact I think the reason people love it so much is that it often feels that rather than watching a TV show you're being allowed to share in the fun they're having making it.

A prime example of this is the "Rosa Diaz" character.

Rosa Diaz is supposed to be this tough-as-nails, leather wearing, motorcycle riding, knife wielding badass. As they put it in one episode; "She naturally dresses like the female bounty hunter in every Steampunk novel."

It turns out though that the actress who plays her, Stephanie Beatriz, is just as absolutely silly as everyone else in the show.

So if Eurovision fans were to watch the first season of Brooklyn Nine Nine they would immediately notice two things;

Firstly Stephanie Beatriz's voice has not fully matured.

Secondly almost every scene ends abruptly. With Rosa Diaz breaking character and collapsing into fits of giggles.

So in the second season a new drug known as; "Giggle Pig" sweeps the precinct. Forcing them to set up a special taskforce, headed by Rosa Diaz.

This generates lots of dialogue such as;

"Is there any progress on that giggle yet Diaz?"

"Rosa! You know we can't have giggle in this precinct!"

And;

"OMG! Diaz. This giggle is costing us so much money!"

Which, of course, just makes it a million times worse.

That said I couldn't help but feel that possibly it was time for Brooklyn Nine Nine to be cancelled. Due to series of clues;

For example Season 5, Episode 8; "Return to Skyfire." That was terrible and should never have been made.

That particular scene in Season 5, Episode 12; "Safehouse." Where all the characters are gathered in the briefing/writers room. The main character Jake Peralta character keeps pitching jokes. All of which fall flat.

That suggested to me that the writers were really starting to run out of jokes. Although the constant threat of being cancelled may well have stifled their creativity somewhat.

Mainly though it was Season 5, Episode 10; "Game Night." Where Rosa Diaz comes out as bisexual to her parents.

Now I'm pretty sure it wasn't the notion of a bisexual woman that offended me.

After all I have famously been in two, slightly overlapping relationships with bisexual women. And thus, by extension, their numerous girlfriends.

Due to that experience I know that I am only one third of those stories. In some cases I'm not even a part at all. I've also learnt that trust is a really important factor in any healthy, adult relationship.

So no. These stories aren't cards I'll be playing just to win arguments on the Internet.

There is though one anecdote I can probably share.

We were in this bar/club together. She was, shall we say, unattached in the other department.

It was a straight bar. However she thought the woman behind the bar might not be. And was definitely interested in finding out. Yet lacked the confidence to go and talk to her.

It was a packed bar so I was sitting in the one available seat. She was sitting on my lap. As we whispered, plotted and planned how she was going to go get her, girl.

I think even the pedantic, nerdy Amy Santiago character would agree;

At that point I literally could not have been more supportive.

What annoyed me about the Game Night episode is that suddenly all the creativity and imagination of the Raymond Holt character had disappeared. It was just a succession of long-assed, boring speeches.

There is supposedly an old rule in TV and Movies that you are supposed to; "Show Not Tell."

That is to say that rather than just having a narrator telling the story you are supposed to convey the story in its entirety. Including its emotions.

So for example you watch a horror movie to experience the emotion of fear. You watch a sitcom to experience the emotion of happiness or laughter.

That Game Night episode was just 25 minutes of long, boring speeches. Without a joke amongst them. It somehow left even me feeling that bisexual women should be cancelled.

My other problem was that Stephanie Beatriz is herself bisexual.

During the making of that season she was going through the process of marrying a man. Giving lots of media interviews about how marrying a man didn't suddenly make her less bisexual or invalidate the gay relationships she'd had in the past.

That struck me as something which commonly happens in long-running TV shows which have possibly past their prime.

The writers start asking the cast, their family, their friends, their neighbours, the mailman what's going on in their lives. In the desperate hope of finding new ideas to write about.

Brooklyn Nine Nine was renewed by another network. And did start to redeem itself in Season 6, Episode 6; "The Crime Scene."

That centred around Rosa Diaz getting a new girlfriend. Who was a trainee hairdresser. Meaning everyday Diaz turned up with a new haircut, each more ridiculous than the last.

That was silly enough that I was prepared to allow them the one long-assed speech.


17:00 on 28/12/19 (UK date).