Lost And Delirious.

At the 2019 Eurovision Song Contest Greece were represented by Katerine Duska. With the song; "Better Love."

Here Greece were doing something incredibly brave. They were trying to discuss women's issues at the Eurovision Song Contest. Not only that but heterosexual women's issues.

They were almost literally represented on stage by a giant vagina. Some of you may claim that Greece's stage set more closely resembled a giant vulva. However I assure that if your vulva look anything like that then you need a wash dear.

The Eurovision community is largely made up of very camp gay men. It is a long running joke that these very camp gay men immediately vomit the moment they're made to think about women and their genitals.

The other brave thing that Greece did was that they just completely ignored all of the year's trends. Instead choosing to proudly plough their own furrow.

They decided to look at the issue of sexual violence against women.

However they took a rounded and balanced approach to the issue. Rather than the relentless drum beat that no woman would ever want to have sex with a man. Meaning that every time a man has sex with a woman it must be rape.

That rather strange way of thinking we just seem to have accepted as normal in recent years. Just in case former UK Director of Public Prosecutions (DPP) Alison Saunders is still wondering why she was included on the No Luck Losers list this panto season

The reason why issues of nudity and sexuality come up so much at Eurovision is that they are so complicated it is impossible to find a single, correct answer. So we can keep talking about them year-in, year-out and always come up with different answers.

Such is the complexity of the issue I'm not even going to attempt to address it here, on a Sunday afternoon.

However Katerine Duska was supposed to serve as a reference to the actress Jessica Pare. Both are from Montreal, Canada.

Well that's what she set out to do.

The moment she saw what Sweden had brung Katerine Duska suddenly decided she wanted to be Meghan Markle instead. Which you have to admit is a pretty clever trick to pull in the heat of battle.

Jessica Pare currently plays the "Amanda - Mandy - Ellis" character in the US TV Show "SEAL Team."

Elsewhere during the Song Contest I discussed how SEAL Team has really picked up the baton from another US TV Show "The Unit." That really revolutionised the way that women are portrayed in action/war TV shows. Which have traditionally been aimed at men.

Although I should point out that the Executive Producer of The Unit, Shawn Ryan, is currently producing the US TV Show "S.W.A.T."

So there is a huge rivalry going on between SEAL Team and S.W.A.T. You may have noticed the growing similarities between the Mandy Ellis character and the "Jessica Cortez" character. Played by former Bond girl Stephanie Sigman.

Apparently Jessica Pare was also in the US TV Show; "Mad Men." Alongside The Unit alum John Hamm. Although I never watched that. It's portrayal of a workplace just didn't resonate with me like something such as "Game of Thrones."

What I know Jessica Pare from is the 2001 movie "Lost And Delirious." Where she starred alongside Mischa Barton, who went on to star in; "The O.C," and Piper Perabo. Who went onto star in the movie; "Coyote Ugly."

Lost And Delirious is a lesbian love story set in an all girls boarding school. Which, admittedly, sounds like a porno. And in its own way it is. It's own neurotic way.

The story featured in Lost And Delirious is apparently a very popular one within the lesbian community.

I though managed to stumble across it on TV while just super-high. And found it to be terrifyingly specific.

To the point I had to buy it on DVD. In order to just completely take it apart to confirm that; No. It was just a weird coincidence.

So I have seen the woman from SEAL Team naked and pretending to have sex. And I can watch the woman from SEAL Team naked and pretending to have sex any time I like.

I'm sure the less hungover amongst us can spin that up into a discussion about; "Revenge Porn."

The modern phenomenon of vengeful lovers publishing sexually explicit material on their exes on the Internet. With the intent of causing them harm and embarrassment.

I don't think its the nudity and pretend sex Jessica Pare should be worried about.

I think she should be way more embarrassed by the fact that I've basically seen her High School Year Book. Where she's all gangly, hasn't quite grown into her limbs, still wearing braces and is only just learning how to use make-up.

You know. The person who still occasionally breaks the surface in SEAL Team.

I've not yet decided whether I'm in an extremely charitable mood. Or an extremely spiteful mood.

I have though decided that I'm going to share with you what really freaked me out about the movie Lost And Delirious.

It featured the Ani DiFranco song; "You Had Time."

This is widely recognised as one of the most beautiful songs ever written. By the author Nick Hornby and pretty much anybody who has been lucky enough to hear it.

One third of my World famous thrupple (that's what we're going with now, apparently) was once summoned by the High Priestess Ani DiFranco. The third that ended up with the epitaph; "Sam Hall."

So this is basically me going;

"Merry Christmas."

"The Global Lesbian community have had a meeting. You've been stripped of all your badges."

"Something to do with trading tall tales for spots on the guest list."

Although, to be fair, the whole thing probably freaked out Ani DiFranco a bit too. It must've looked like we were just acting out her; "Out Of Range" album.

So I feel I should point out that I didn't actually hear that album until 2013.

When the single "You Had Time" got constantly stuck in my head during Rihanna's Diamonds World Tour (DWT). Forcing me to buy the album from Amazon.

While waiting for the delivery I found myself literally locked up in a prison. Which rather threatened to hamper my efforts to break Rihanna out of her abusive relationship with Chris Brown.

So I feel I have earned my literal interpretation of the title track. (Both Versions).


17:30 on 29/12/19 (UK date).