News on the Cold Front.

Turns out my plan to kill all the nasty germs with alocohol has been a partial success. Instead of having the usual symptoms of sore throats, coughs and sneezes it's instead all gone to my head. So I'm now enjoying a third wonderfully woozy day where gravity is a constant challenge and every inanimate object is it's own new and unique surprise.

Apart from having great fun I've been thinking about this royal wedding. I've decided that because in the monarchy the creation of male heir to carry on the scared bloodline is all important the moment Prince William was born the search began to find him a wife so he could produce a heir all of his own. Initially this search included every British woman born a year before and five years after William along with some Princesses from foreign monarchies. Over the years the field was narrowed to exclude everyone who wasn't white enough, wasn't posh enough, wasn't fertile enough, was to fat, to catholic, to ugly or wasn't grabby enough. By the time Kate Middleton had been selected it had already been decided that while he was waiting to become King the Prince's life would follow a path that at least looked like the path a majority of his subject would follow so Ms Middleton was granted a place a St Andrews university.

Since then the relationship has been carefully choreographed to resemble what the the monarchy think life for the British public is like. So they lived together at university and broke up after graduating only to get back together again. The while the Prince set an example by beginning his career in public (emergency) service she kept herself busy with a nice little job to do with sewing and they lived together in a starter home while she waited for him to marry her. When the proposal finally came the dress was like one they sold in Tesco's and copies of the ring were available on the shopping channel.

The idea being that as the wedding approaches British subjects, regardless of nationality, will project their own hopes, dreams, fears and insecurities onto the royal couple and the monarchy will learn enough about them to better control them. The wedding itself will be held at Westminster Abbey to provide an excuse to remove Brain Haw's protest camp from Parliament square and in the spring when the unions are expected to start their campaign against the spending cuts Of course once the ceremony is over William and Kate will be free to start having affairs with the people they really love because you can afford to lead a double life when you've got the power to increase everyone's gas and electricity bills every time you feel the cold.

Now I think it's time for a little lie down because I've got to start dinner in a while and there's something about the combination of sharp knives and hot flames that makes me think this might not go so well.