The 2018 Eurovision Song Contest: Grand Finale Pt.2.

A direct continuation of Part 1; https://watchitdie.blogspot.co.uk/2018/05/the-2018-eurovision-song-contest-grand.html

The Eurovision Song Contest is one of those events which are entirely defined by those who turn up. Therefore I'm hesitant to say what it is or should be. Everyone should be free to do it completely differently next year. If that's what they want.

However the EBU was formed out of the ashes of the Second World War which laid Europe to waste. So alongside furthering advancement in broadcasting technology its core mission is to promote harmony and understanding amongst its participants.

Part of the way it does this is by providing a forum for nations to air their grievances with each other. It encourages them to solve their disputes through words and music rather than using weapons.

This aspect of the Song Contest is really best described by a sketch from the; "Who Killed Mr Burns" episode of; "The Simpsons."

Which you can watch here; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9kdDet7G14

Having threatened revenge on Mr Burns the police go and question the music teacher Tito Puente. He responds by saying; "Why would I ruin his body with bullets when I can set his soul on fire with a slanderous mambo?!"

Aside from the feuds the Song Contest also provides nations with an opportunity to draw attention to issues that they feel are important.

These don't necessarily have to be political issues and often aren't. In 2015 San Marino did a whole thing about the growing trend of teenagers and children sharing sexually explicit messages via smartphones and social media. "Sexting" as it's sometimes known.

Obviously things which are of important to one nation are often important to many nations. So what often happens during a Song Contest is that these commonly shared issues emerge as themes. These themes are then discussed by the nations. Often in quite a lot of detail.

As you may have noticed from the prevalence of technological issues such as Internet Streaming and Augmented Reality the 2018 Song Contest picks up from the 2018 Winter Olympics and Para-Olympics. These were held in the Republic of Korea (RoK/South) less than two months ago in February and March.

The Olympic movement was begun in the 19th Century to provide a forum for the nations of the World to come together and discuss what they consider to be the big issues of the day. The sport is merely the excuse needed to get all these people to travel what in the 19th Century were huge distances.

If you are British or Australian the 2018 Winter games were almost immediately followed by the 2018 Commonwealth Games.

Unlike the Olympics which welcomes all nations the Commonwealth Games are open only to members of the British Commonwealth. This is a political organisation so it does its political business at summits designed for just that purpose. For example the Commonwealth Heads of Government meeting which took place in mid-April.

So the Commonwealth Games is really just the sports day of the Commonwealth organisation. However it does feature a cultural component in the form of the Opening and Closing Ceremonies. These were particularly important to Australia who had to produce them.

Coming at the end of four months of events to discuss the big issues of the day everyone at the 2018 Song Contest is really quite talked out by this point. There are not really any new issues or anything much to add to the existing ones.

Added to that the Eurovision Song Contest, much like Europe itself, has been having a really bad run in recent years.

The problems really began in 2015 when the Song Contest was won by Sweden's Mans Zelmerlow with his charming ditty to the "Heroes" of the 14th Grenadier Division of the Waffen SS. The Nazis who laid waste to Europe during the Second World War.

The Song Contest's main values are tolerance, inclusion and equality. It combines this with often very camp performance and coded references.

As a result it is particularly popular amongst the gay community. When homosexuality was illegal in much of Europe there was actually a secret coded gay language called; "Polari." This was used by homosexuals, Jews, entertainers and Gypsy members of the circus community.

The Waffen SS exterminated at least 100,000 gay men as mental defectives. Along with another 11 million people including Jews, Gypsy's and subversive, free thinking entertainers.

Watching Eurovision participants and fans describe the Waffen SS as; "Heroes" is the sort thing which makes you wonder if maybe the Waffen SS had a point after all.

The 2016 Eurovision Song Contest was marred by; "1944" by Jamala.

This was the entry by the Shamali or "Northern" Province of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL). That had been illegally created within the territory of Ukraine by the Waffen SS in 2013. With the support of the US under former President Barack Obama.

The Eurovision Song Contest really has one golden rule. Songs and the acts that perform them cannot be overtly political.

The Song Contest provides a forum for the settling of political scores and discussion of political issues.

If nations were able to do this overtly the whole thing would descend into an unwatchable screaming match. We would rapidly get back to the point where people were ruining each others bodies with bullets rather than setting their souls ablaze with slanderous mambos.

The rule also drives up standards by encouraging non-linear thinking. Nations frequently have coded discussions with each other. Both at events like the Olympics and just in everyday life. By having a yearly training session the nations which participate in the Song Contest are better at that type of thing.

The song 1944 was about Soviet leader Joseph Stalin's purges of ethnic Turks, known locally as; "Tatars" in the Crimea region of Russia. It was indisputably overtly political and in violation of what is pretty much the only rule of the Song Contest.

To make matters worse Shamali Province were not making this reference as a metaphor for something else. There were using to directly claim that Crimea was part of Shamali Province and that Shamali Province was again being oppressed by Russia.

So there is absolutely no way that song should have been allowed to participate in the Song Contest.

Due to its mission of promoting tolerance and harmony no nation which is a paid up member of the EBU is ever excluded from the Song Contest. So if a song or act is found to be in violation of the rules the nation is merely invited to make changes or submit a different song.

In 2014 Armenia initially submit the song; "Don't Deny" by Genealogy. This was deemed to be an overt reference to Turkey's continued denial of the 1915 Armenian Genocide.

However rather than being excluded Armenia simply resubmitted the same song only under the title; "Face the Shadow." Along with some other small changes this managed to conceal the song's true message.

The problem facing Song Contest organisers in 2016 was that the Waffen SS consider themselves to be a master race which is not bound by the rules with apply to the inferior races.

So rather then simply making changes to their song they threatened to refuse to participate. With the Waffen SS' creation of Shamali Province being the main theme that year their absence would have presented a major problem for the contest.

In situations like this Song Contest participants normal reaction to situations like this is well rehearsed. They attempt to shame the offender into submission.

So sometimes songs which break the rules do make it through. However everyone else then does songs which insult the rule breaker. Come voting the offender is snubbed, finishing bottom on the league table. There is no greater insult that can be bestowed on a Song Contest participant then the dread zero points or; "Nil Points."

In 2016 Song Contest participants sort of collectively lost their minds. Despite having no business even being in the competition 1944 was crowned winner. As a result the 2017 was to be held in Shamali Province. This being a location that was a major theme in 2016 specifically because it was in the grips of a civil war.

Due to that civil war Shamali Province was and continues to be awash with heavy, battlefield weapons. This presents an absolute security nightmare in staging a supposedly fun event like a Song Contest.

Obviously you have to worry about from the threat from the three warring factions; The Waffen SS, Ethnically Russian Ukrainians and the Turkish Islamists. You also have to guard against the threat of the completely random.

Due to the prevalence of heavy weapons someone could just get drunk and angry and open fire on the venue with something like a Grad Multi-Rocket Launch system.

To put that in perspective if Hamas or other Islamist group fire a single Grad rocket into farmland in southern Israel the Israeli military respond by flattening the rough area of Gaza it was launched from. You really do not want to see the effects of a full performance of Stalin's Organ on a concert venue.

The First Semi-Final of the 2017 Song Contest was marred by a full on riot outside the venue. This involved Tear Gas, Petrol Bombs, Smoke Grenades, Sound Grenades and a few Fragmentation (Explosive) Grenades. And that was just what the rioters were armed with.

Given the level of security threat at the 2017 Song Contest those unprecedented scenes of violence actually represented a good result.

The security situation however was far from the only thing to mar the 2017 Song Contest.

Traditionally the Song Contest is always a loss leader for the host broadcaster. Although the contest brings national prestige and contributes to the wider local economy staging it always costs the host broadcaster a fortune.

At the 2017 contest the host broadcaster was the state run UA:PBC. In January 2017 UA:PBC was privatised with 100% of its shares being owned by Oligarchs linked to the junta.

Shamali Province's junta seemed to view the role of the EBU to be to pour money into the coffers of UA:PBC in a fantastic opportunity for embezzlement. When Shamali Province discovered that the EBU wouldn't be doing that UA:PBC's entire Eurovision team resigned in protest in November 2016.

This left the 2017 Song Contest without a host broadcaster just for months before the competition.

Also in January 2017 illegal militias blocked railways lines running between the east and the west. This was done to stop coal being imported from the east which is outside of the junta's control.

Due to the power of these militia's Shamali Province's junta was forced to formalise this illegal blockade even though it seriously undermined Shamali Province's coal powered electricity network.

This created very real and serious concerns over whether there would actually be electricity available to power what is essentially a week long music festival that is broadcast globally.

These multitude of problems meant that there were was a real belief that the 2017 Song Contest would have to be cancelled. As a result many nations didn't put much effort into their entries on the assumption they would probably never get the chance to perform.

Almost from the moment that Shamali Province won in 2016 people realised they'd made a terrible mistake leading to a backlash. This led to a sort of open conspiracy amongst participants to rectify the mistake in true Eurovision style. By crowning Russia 2017 winners in the heart of Shamali Province. Regardless of what their entry was actually like.

In March 2017 Russia confirmed that it would be represented at the 2017 Song Contest by Yulia Samoylova with the song "Fire is Burning."
 
Suffering from Spinal Muscular Atrophy and confined to a wheelchair Yulia Samoylova famously performed at the Opening Ceremony of the 2014 Winter Para-Olympic Games which were held in Sochi, Russia. This served to remind people of when and why the US under former President Obama backed the Waffen SS to create Shamali Province within the territory of Ukraine.

Yulia Samoylova had also performed in the Russian territory of Crimea in 2015. This served to remind people that Crimea has never been and never will be part of the territory or Shamali Province.

With it becoming clear that they were facing the ultimate humiliation of Russia winning the 2017 contest in Shamali Province the junta simply banned Russia from the contest. Citing her performance in Crimea Shamali Province banned Samoylova from their territory and therefore the contest.

This is the first and only time a nation has been banned from the Song Contest. It goes completely against the Song Contest's core values of tolerance, equality and inclusion.

With the pre-ordained winner no longer able to compete the 2017 contest was left scrambling to try and find a winner. From participants who were all really trying to make sure their entry wasn't good enough to threaten Russia's victory.

Amongst the participants in 2017 was Portugal. This in itself is slightly unusual. Following the 2008 Financial Crash Portugal effectively went bankrupt. Only being bailed out by the European Union (EU).

Since then Portugal's participation in the Song Contest has been intermittent. They simply can't justify the expense of participating every year.

Portugal's 2017 entry was essentially them adopting the shared language and saying to Brazil; "I hope you don't expect us to pay.... For the Both of Us."

Again Eurovision participants seemed to collectively lose their minds. Their response to this complaint over how Portugal can't really afford the Song Contest was to award it victory. Forcing Portugal to pay to host the 2018 Song Contest.

So 2017 was very nearly the year the winner simple refused to host the Song Contest the following year.

In the end Portugal did agree to host it. However they took the position that if nations wanted stage sets they would have to design, build and pay for them themselves. This had the effect of changing the entire timetable of the contest.

Traditionally the Song Contest is a week long event. It begins with an Opening Gala on the Sunday. It then alternates between dress rehearsals and live shows until the Grand Finale on the Saturday.

Due to everyone building their own physical stage sets the 2018 Song Contest lasted from two weeks. The week prior to the Opening Gala was filled with extra rehearsals as everyone made sure their stage sets would fit into the arena and work.

This of course had the added effect of keeping Eurovision visitors in Portuguese hotels and spending money in Portuguese restaurants and bars for an extra week. As they mentioned once or twice during the show Portugal and Lisbon in particular is very much open for tourism business.

The other change was in these little things known as; "Postcards." These are short videos played just before each song. Their main purpose is to give the act time to get on stage. However traditionally produced by the participants they have become used as a way to introduce themselves to viewers.

For example in 2014 Austria used their Postcard to show possibly the greatest Song Contest entry ever Conchita Wurst leafing through beautiful gowns in full Kim Kardashian mode as if to say;

"Oh, yes. She's Armenian. They suffered a terrible Genocide. The Centenary is coming up next year *stage wink*"

This year the Postcards were all done by Portugal. They involved the act arriving through a sort of magic door to a scenic part of Portugal that I'm sure tourists would like to visit. After all it's all extremely reasonably priced these days.

As soon as the acts arrived in Portugal they seemed to be immediately put to work.

So Waylon who represented the Netherlands was sent down to the kitchens. Alexander Rybak who represented Norway was packed off to a farm. Another male contestant whose name I forget was forced into the hard labour of harvesting cork from trees.

To my mind the best Postcard was for Eleni Foureira who represented Cyprus. Eleni Foureira is a former lingerie model with a, I would say too slender a body. She likes to show this off in revealing costumes and social media posts.

Her Postcard involved her visiting a traditional food market. To select her produce she picked up the smallest basket available. This was immediately snatched from her by a larger, older Portuguese woman who instead handed her the biggest basket available. As if to say;

"Eat More!

And by "Eat" we mean;

"Wear more clothes. You Whore!"

Eleni Foureira of course was primarily intended as a mockery of host Daniela Ruah. The generally Hispanic Obama voting Hollywood liberal we've all just discovered was once a member of the band "The Dropkick Murphys" and is a Portuguese dual national.

Shocking revelations which made her a minor theme of this year's contest.

However the sole overriding theme of this year's contest has been;

How Did We All Get It So Wrong?!

In Part 3 I will attempt to break that down into more specific sub-themes.

Tomorrow.


18:40 on 13/5/18 (UK date).

Edited above at around 14:45 on 14/5/18 (UK date). I somehow forgot to mention the most appalling thing that Shamali Province did in 2017. Exclude a nation from the Song Contest for the first time in history.