The Queen of Comedy.

Since 1932 the British Monarch has given a Christmas Day broadcast.

Initially this started out as a radio address. However in 1957 it also became a television broadcast. Traditionally the broadcast is recorded in early December in order to allow the tapes to be shipped out so the broadcast can be made to all the Monarch's subject's across the Commonwealth.

Although that tradition continues the Monarchy have progressed to using more modern forms of communication. As a result if you're so inclined you can watch the 2017 broadcast here; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l73NdleGeXw

It finds the current Monarch - Queen Elizabeth II - in something of a playful mood.

It began with her announcing that on this day 60 years ago a very important presenter made a very important broadcast.

It then cut to archive footage of Queen Elizabeth making the first televised Christmas Day broadcast.

Although it went unspoken you could almost hear the Queen saying in a silly voice; "And that important person is me b*tches!"

The main theme of the broadcast is; "Home." This is a solid Christmas theme.

Christmas is of course a holiday that sees people to return to their homes to spend the holiday with their families. The tradition began in the Bible with Joseph and Mary being forced to return to Joseph's ancestral home in Judea where Mary gave birth to Jesus Christ.

However it is also the title of the 2015 animated movie; "Home" featuring Rihanna. She voices a human girl; "Gratuity - Tip - Tucci" who befriends an alien of the "Boov" species named; "Oh." He is voiced by Jim Parsons who is probably most famous as; "Sheldon Cooper" from the US TV show; "The Big Bang Theory."

So in short it is Rihanna and Sheldon going on an adventure together.

This movie was broadcast on UK terrestrial television for the first time by the BBC the previous day. December 24th 2017 (24/12/17).

The Queen then went on to say how she marvelled that how 60 years on from the first televised broadcast many people would be watching the 2017 broadcast on tablets, smartphones and other handheld devices.

Aimed at children and clearly put together in a rush following Rihanna's 2013 Diamonds World Tour (DWT) Home is not overburdened with plot.

However the main story involves Oh using the handheld devices that all the Boov have to accidentally send their location to their enemies. There is then a race to recall the email/sms message before the Boov's enemy receives it. This forms the basis for lots of jokes about computers, cellphones, passwords etc.

Having established that main theme the Queen then went through the big events of the year. In such a way as to turn them into references to Rihanna.

The big event of 2017 in the UK was the terror attack on the Manchester Evening News Arena (MENA) in the British city of Manchester on May 22nd (22/5/17). That was carried out by Qatar as part of an ongoing feud it was having with Saudi Arabia over Rihanna's relationship with the Saudi national Hassan Jameel.

Although it happened in May the MENA bombing is actually a very Christmas story. In the UK as elsewhere it is a tradition that children get given gifts by Father Christmas or Santa Claus.

This involves them writing a letter to Santa in late-November telling him what gifts they would like. There is then an excited wait to see if Santa will bring them what they've asked for. To add to the excitement there are these advent calenders where children countdown the days from the start of December up until Christmas Day.

Many of those who went to the Ariana Grande concert at the MENA would have been given their tickets by Santa. So for them the excited wait from November to Christmas Day would have been followed by another excited wait between Santa bringing them their tickets and the concert taking place.

When the day of the concert finally arrived they were blown up. In a particularly cruel terror attack.

In the broadcast the Queen made specific reference to how those injured had simply gone to see their favourite singer. With that singer going unnamed you could have assumed it was a reference to Rihanna.

In almost the same breath the Queen went on to mention the June 3rd (3/6/17) terror attack in the London Bridge area of London. Again carried out by Qatar this occurred the day before a charity concert for the victims of the MENA bombing as punishment for that concert.

Next the Queen spoke about the hurricanes that ravaged the Commonwealth islands in the Caribbean. Rihanna is of course from the Commonwealth Caribbean island of Barbados which became the main aid distribution hub in response to the hurricanes.

Finally the Queen mentioned the UK Labour Party's arson attack on the Grenfell Tower apartment building in London on June 14th (14/6/17). However the Queen merely described this as; "Appalling."

Grenfell Tower of course was sadly not the UK Labour Party's first large scale arson attack. During the August 2011 riots they burned down large sections of the London borough of Croydon. The hope was they could build masses of rental housing so one of their financial backers could profit from plans to build a shopping mall in the area.

Through the song; "Run This Town" Rihanna along with Jay Z and Kanye West were blamed for the 2011 August riots. So I was 'married' off to Rihanna at the 2012 Para-Olympic Closing Ceremony. Where Rihanna and Jay Z performed "Run This Town" surrounded by just so much fire.

Unfortunately between the Queen's Christmas Day broadcast being recorded and it being, well, broadcast Britain received something of a fright.

On or around December 21st (21/12/17) Russia began sailing the Admiral Gorshkov warship through international waters between the UK and continental Europe. This is a standard navigation route for ships travelling between the Baltic Sea, the Atlantic Ocean and beyond.

However Britain panicked and dispatched the HMS Argus warship to shadow the Admiral Gorshkov as it made its journey.

The reason for this overreaction is that Britain has a dirty little secret planned for Russia.

With Christmas being a time for families to gather at home for the holiday it is a tradition that UK television networks debut their big new shows on New Year's Day.

The BBC's big New Year offering is; "McMafia." This is based on the non-fiction book by British Russian journalist Misha Glenny; "McMafia: A Journey Through the Global Criminal Underworld" which examines organised crime and corruption in modern Russia.

The BBC's big New Year offering in 2017 was; "Sherlock." This was simultaneously broadcast within Russia.

The opening episode actually inspired the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) to conduct twin terror attacks in the Iraqi cities of Baghdad and Samarra. The Russian broadcaster then leaked the final episode on the Internet a day early. I could not comment on whether that was done to troll people about the claims of "Russian Hacking!" which continue to be so fashionable in the US.

McMafia is set to be broadcast over 8 weeks which means it will reach its finale around the time of Russia's 2018 election in March. If it is to be broadcast in Russia it seems to be laying the groundwork for Alexey Navalney to stage a big, beautiful colour revolution. Similar to the one the UK attempted in Iran in 2009.

Worried that Russia had uncovered its plot Britain does what it always does when it's in panic, confused or just bored. It went on a killing spree.

On December 23rd (23/12/17) - the day HMS Argus began shadowing the Admiral Gorshkov - they set fire to part of London Zoo.

This reportedly killed an Aardvark named Misha - as in Misha Glenny - and several Meerkats. In the UK there is a long-running and much loved advertising campaign to the "Compare the Market" insurance broker that features Russian Meerkats.

Sadly I'm only about 60% joking when I say the deaths of the London Zoo Meerkats have been faked so they can be smuggled into Russia to lead the March 2018 revolution.

The following day (24/12/17) Britain murdered a Russian national - Iuliana Tudo - in the Finsbury Park area of London. A traditionally very Jewish part of London from a Russian perspective Finsbury Park is famous for being close to Highgate Cemetery - burial place of Karl Marx.

Ms Tudo whose body was discovered yesterday (28/12/17) worked at The World's End Pub in Camden. This seems to be a reference to the 2013 movie; "The World's End." Camden is a very trendy and media focused area of London.

In between Ms Tudo's murder and the discovery of her body Rihanna's cousin - Tavon Alleyne - was killed in a targeted shooting in Barbados on December 26th (26/12/17). He was returning from a party he'd attended with Rihanna.

This puts me in something of a difficult position. Despite our supposed marriage I know nothing more about this incident then what has been publicly reported. I am though close enough where I can cause upset and distress to the family.

In a situation like this you would first look to see whether the killing was the result of a robbery gone wrong.

You would then look for a possible financial motive. As Rihanna's cousin I suspect Tavon Alleyne had more spending money then an average 21 year old Bajan man. That extra money tends to attract unsavoury elements such as drug dealers and gamblers.

Fame and wealth also have a way for attracting jealously. Particularly if they're used to attract other people's wives and girlfriends.

Once those motives have been excluded you are left with the possibility that the UK carried the killing to send Rihanna a message.

For the past two weeks there has been intense discussion over how best to kill Rihanna's rumoured boyfriend Hassan Jameel. After all he is considered a high level supporter of ISIL and partly responsible for the murder of 22 British citizens in Manchester.

The question of whether it would be legally permissible to also kill Rihanna is more complicated. It really relates to the extent of her support for Jameel - the two are not married - and by extension her support for ISIL. Within the war against ISIL a certain amount of collateral damage is considered permissible. Even of people who have no such direct relationship to ISIL.

You would think that forcing Rihanna to attend the funeral of a loved one would really drive that point home to her.

After all I would have liked to have spent Remembrance Sunday (12/11/17) listing all those British citizens killed after volunteering to fight ISIL. Instead I spent the time trying to keep that list as short as possible.

18:25 on 29/12/17 (UK date).