And You Thought Novichok Was A Mood Killer.

Last Tuesday (7/1/20) I visited my mothers.

This was supposed to be a Christmas visit. However the fact that I had to perform a citizen's arrest for attempted murder on December 23rd (23/12/19) should tell you all you need to know about why I couldn't visit on the day.

My mothers live in Salisbury. An area totally dominated by the Porton Down Chemical Warfare laboratory and the Salisbury Plain Training Area (SPTA). The UK Armed Forces largest training facility supporting more than half a dozen military bases.

So it is fair to say that the current tensions between the US and Iran did put people under a bit of stress. After all if war does break out these are the very people who will be doing the fighting and dying. Along with their spouses, children, families and friends.

Given that level of blind obedience it is obviously difficult for Salisbury to accept. That Britain conducted a wholly unlawful Chemical Weapons experiment on them. Despite Porton Down's record on the matter hardly being a secret.

My mothers have taken to holding court within a coffee shop in the city. So one mother picked me up from the railway station and we went to the coffee shop to meet up with the other mother. Who now volunteers at that very famous hospital. Along with anywhere in the area with a large library.

The visit was rather dominated by the fact my sister is in the process of buying a horse.

Buying a horse is a very complicated process. Similar to but more complex than buying a used car. First you have to find a horse listed for sale. Then you have to visit the seller to see it in real life. Then you need to arrange a vet inspection to make sure there's nothing wrong with it. All the while another buyer might swoop in before you.

So this topic of horse buying did come up in almost every conversation over the course of my four day visit.

It actually gave me rather nasty flashbacks to the US TV Show; "The Affair." The reason they're able to conduct the affair is because the Alison Bailey character's husband is always off looking at horses.

So if you're still wondering about my family name? It's; "Lockhart."

I can confirm that as of yesterday (13/1/20) by sister has brought a horse. She lives in a council house and owns a horse. So maybe the name's; "Shelby" after all.

After finishing at the coffee shop we returned to my mothers' home. Quickly stopping off at a stationary store because one of my mothers needed a 2020 diary. If that's an important detail.

As I left Khanistan is was a cold but clear and dry winter's day. As the train made its way west things got progressively darker and wetter. Apparently it had been like that in Salisbury for the last couple of weeks. With another large band of rain forecast it was clearly going to be a visit centred around in door activities.

So I started reading a book from my mothers' large collection. Jason Burke's "Al Qaeda: The True Story of Radical Islam." Well, I say; "Read." "Marked would probably be a more accurate description.

Apparently the Turkestan Islamist Party (TiP) is just a Chinese lie. Made up to persecute Uighur Muslims. There is no such organisation as Al Qaeda and absolutely no chance of London's Underground Rail (Metro) network being bombed by the organisation which does not exist.

This book was published in 2004.

I didn't finish it. It clearly wasn't worth finishing.

We then all watched the opening episode of the 2020 season of the BBC's "Silent Witness."

I hate to give away spoilers but it began with the crash of a private jet carrying the former US Ambassador to the UK. Borrowing heavily from the crash of Germanwings flight 9525 it then progressed into a storyline about online incitement to suicide.

It had clearly gone through some hasty rewrites in June 2019. Leading to some absolute continuity disasters.

Such as a Browning HP pistol suddenly turning into a Baikal gas pistol and back again. Or the Jack character suddenly forgetting the very dramatic events he'd participated in during the previous scene. Leading to another character having to explain them to him. In the next scene which occurred as a direct result of the previous scene.

I have a whole thing about Silent Witness' year long lead time between production and broadcast. But I've not got around to talking about it since 2016 so it's not really relevant here.

After a quick bit of news we all went to bed around 23:00. Separately.

Well I was accompanied by cats. So got woken up about 05:00 to this sensation of sharp claws plunging into my left hand lifting my fingers into a waiting mouth where they were gnawed on equally needle like teeth.

Fortunately I did manage to save all my digits and go back to sleep. Getting up properly about 08:30 on January 8th (8/1/20).

My mothers are terribly middle-class. So we enjoyed a civilised breakfast together. At a dining table, listening to classical music and discussing our various plans for the day.

After about two hours I finally popped the TV on. To see if there was any news happening. And yes. There had been rather a lot of news happening.

It is a very strange sensation. Watching a TV show about a plane crash just before going to bed. Then waking up to the news that there'd been an actual plane crash.

It was made all the stranger by the fact I recently told that famous Israeli joke;

"Q. Why are there no ugly Israeli women?"

"A. Because Hitler did the Jews one favour."

This joke was not told to me first-hand by a member of the Israeli Defence Forces (IDF). I was told to be second-hand by a former member of the US Army. Who'd been told it first-hand by a member of the IDF while stationed in Israel.

I knew this guy quite well. We once had a really long debate over whether a single bullet hole could cause a dramatic decompression of a civilian airline cabin. I thought it would. He thought it wouldn't.

Perhaps my first reaction to the decompression of Southwest flight 1380 probably shouldn't have been to frantically look for his phone number. In the hope of going;

"Hah! Told You So."

 My mothers of course have a dog. Who is not at all suited to indoor actives. So while one mother was waiting for furniture to be delivered the other mother and I devised a cunning plan. To take the dog on a really long walk into, and around the town centre. All the while sticking to concrete rather than mud.

The entire purpose of the walk was to tire the dog out. However we did stop for lunch in the Bishops {sic} Mill pub. This of course was famous as the pub I always drink in when I'm Salisbury long before the other thing.

We also stopped off at the coffee shop. Where we spotted a very sensible Dalmatian and what, at first, appeared to be a very sensible Golden Retriever. Although he quickly revealed himself to be an absolutely mad 8 month old puppy. An absolutely mad 8 month old puppy who on his hind legs is taller than I am. His human has been informed of our sympathies.

You all already know the exact moment we returned from the walk and turned on my mothers' Smart TV. It was the moment US President Trump decided to address the previous night's event. Some 20 minutes behind schedule.

I'm sure you all remember the moment Wikileaks revealed the massive secret. That the NSA can use Smart TV's to spy on their users. As if somehow spying on their users isn't the exact purpose of Smart TV's.

After dinner all three of us went to see the movie; "Jojo Rabbit." Which certainly caused some of the people in the cinema with me to get a bit sweaty.

Jojo Rabbit has now been nominated for the 2020 Oscars. So I feel I've already given away far too many spoilers.

However if you enjoyed the 2019 Eurovision Song Contest I strongly recommend you go see this movie. Natan of Gaza even gets a little name-check.

The screening didn't finish until around 22:00. So we arrived home to the news about the p*ss artists formally known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. We all then went to bed around midnight.

One of my mothers took the dog out for a long and muddy walk while it was dry first thing. So Thursday (8/1/20) was really dedicated to indoor activities. Primarily me plundering their record collection. So lots of Indigo Girls.

We then drove into town and held court in the coffee shop. While one of my mothers had a haircut.

We then returned and had Chinese takeaway for dinner. Before watching episode two of Silent Witness and episode one of the 2020 season of the BBC's; "Death in Paradise." Before going to bed around 23:00.

Friday (10/1/20) was of course dedicated to me returning home. So we had a rather leisurely lunch in the Bishops {sic} Mill. Before I boarded a train and returned home around 16:30.

In terms of Christmas presents I received yet another blue Fatface hoodie. Just as I seem to get every year.

I gave my family the same thing I give them every year. Their lives.

Although that's one area where gloating is not just unseemly. It's vicious returns policy.

17:10 on 16/1/20 (UK date).