You Know You're Doing Christmas Wrong If....

.... You put your tree up before December 20th.

Or ideally Christmas Eve (December 24th).

When it comes to Christmas Eve the clue is really in the name. Christmas Day is not the end of Christmas. It is the start. Of 12 days of Christmas.

If you put your tree up on December 1st. Well, it's going to be long dead by January 5th.

No matter how many days you get off work I always find it hard to celebrate Christmas. I have the misfortune of living in Khanistan where Christmas has long been considered, erm, har'm.

London is currently occupied by the Labour Party. Their power base is a network of housing associations. Primarily the Notting Hill Housing Trust (NHHT).

The relationship between the Labour Party and the NHHT was actually one of the main topical jokes in the BBC's 2018 Christmas Pantomime; "The Long Song."

Particularly the scene where the plantation owner tells the slaves that they were free. The plantation will suddenly start paying them for their labour. However the slaves will immediately have to give that money back to the plantation. If they want to keep their homes.

Honestly I don't see what the confusion was about. Much like the Free Movement of Human Capital this practice is thousands of years old. Even if the traditional term; "Feudalism" has recently been deemed to not be progressive sounding enough.

The Notting Hill Housing Trust would very much like to take ownership of my father's property. So they can build a Grenfell Tower style Ballot Mill on it.

Unfortunately the Notting Hill Housing Trust has gone through far too much of its life without someone explaining that it actually needs to pay for things.

So instead they're just going to kill him.

This isn't actually as dramatic as it sounds. After all the fact the NNHT have gone through some 14 years of battles without winning one suggests we're hardly talking about a Mossad Kidon unit here.

As with all security plans it just requires some basic threat awareness and organisational skills.

Unfortunately this year even basic threat awareness and organisational skills seem to be in extremely short supply. Particularly in America.

So on the third day of Christmas my brother did finally visit his father. This prompted me to engage in the British tradition of hiding in a pub to avoid Christmas visitors you're arguing with.

In my absence my brother dropped off the gifts he'd prepared for me and picked up the gifts I'd prepared for him and his girlfriend.

I gave him a reasonably mid-range bottle wine. After all everyone likes wine. At a family gathering even our trainee sommelier sister would have an opinion.

As it was never going to be a great year for gifts I gave his girlfriend some Parker jotter pens. Even in this digital age you still constantly hear the phrase; "Sorry. Have you got a pen?"

Pens can be considered something of an intimate gift. Too intimate to give to someone else's girlfriend. So I didn't want to go too overboard. Even if I remain frustrated I couldn't find a set in the coded colours of a certain football club.

The original plan was that these would be accompanied by a pair of nice cards containing money. Money which would allow them to buy something they actually wanted.

If you follow me on Twitter though I'm sure you've already got a picture of how things rapidly escalated.

If you follow me on Twitter you'll also probably know that in 2015 my brother gave me a copy of the Government Communications Headquarters (GCHQ) Puzzle Book.

One of the puzzles, on page 75 is just a picture of the actress Eva Green. There's not even any metadata to dig into.

In return I received two DVD's.

The first of these was Season One of; "The Deuce." This of course has been shown frequently on Sky Atlantic. Available through Sky's "Now TV" online streaming service.

Personally I thought the first season lacked narrative direction. A plot device to allow the viewer to be introduced to the vast array of well-drawn, complex, three dimensional characters.

I did though particularly enjoy the easter egg.

In the final scene of the first episode of the second season.

The second DVD was of an Italian TV show called; "1992." This too is available on Sky Atlantic and through Now TV.

Although it is subtitled I'd already decided that 1992 was probably going to be a little too spicy for family viewing.

According to the blurb on the box it deals with the February 17th 1992 (17/2/92) arrest of Italian politician Mario Chiesa on corruption charges. This triggered the series of so-called; "Clean Hands" arrests and trials.

Apparently the show uses, as a cipher the lives of; "six ordinary people whose lives are shattered by the judicial operation."

Meanwhile my brother gave our father a Now TV sports pass.

So at the very least he must know that he's not contributing anything.

Particularly as he's failed to turn up, as promised of this fifth day of Christmas I stand by my decision.

After all I've had many insults directed at me in my life.

No-one's ever go so far as to call me John Bolton.



17:35 on 29/12/18 (UK date).