Wayne Bridge.

For about the last month British soccer has been rocked by the scandal that Chelsea captain, John Terry had an affair with Vanessa Peroncell the then girlfriend of his England teammate, Wayne Bridge.

Today Wayne Bridge has announced that he is making himself unavailable for selection for the England team because he feels his position is untenable.

In this metaphor I am John Terry and Wayne Bridge is an amalgamation of British Establishment figures. Allow me to assure you then that once Wayne Bridge has got this little tantrum out of his system he'll soon be making himself available for selection again. After all Bridge is just a second choice player.

Sorry I Forgot.

Yesterday was Tuesday and therefore meant to be really stressful. I think in future it would be easier if the Croydon lot developed some sort of card system they could hand to me when they're trying to be difficult to save their efforts from going unnoticed.

The only real thing of note is that while my father and I went to the pub for dinner my grandmother got very stressed whilst waiting her own in case the council's little crime syndicate decided to rob her again. My father decided to exacerbate this by waiting for as long as possible to tell her that we'd returned. This ruined the rhythm of an otherwise perfect evening but does highlight why containment won't work because my grandmother cannot feel safe until the criminals are jailed.

This of course all pales into insignificance by the fact I've had my hair cut and it has gone very, very wrong. So wrong in fact that I now not only look like a girl I look like a girl with a really bad haircut. I'll just have to console myself in the fact that if I know one thing about my hair it's that it will grow out.

Northern Ireland Car Bomb.

At around 22:40 last night (22/2) a car bomb exploded in Newry, County Down, Northern Ireland. It is exactly what it seems. That is a dissident Republican group carried out a car bombing. It's really not that much of a surprise because trouble has been brewing in the region for the best part of the year now. Of course it does nothing to give the dissident Republicans a reputation as either the brightest or the best.

And That's the End of That.

Today my grandmother and my father attended an appointment with psychiatrist at the Queens road Dementia team. I did not attend. However the psychiatrist stretched their medical credibility to breaking point by announcing that my grandmother's dementia is now so far advanced that there is no possible treatment they could even attempt. Therefore the outcome of the appointment was that medically there is no further action required so no further medical action will be taken.

Now if some outstanding criminal offences, hostage situations and compensation matters can be resolved to my satisfaction Britain may once again be able to move forward with its life.

I'm sorry if that sounds like an arrogant thing to say but I would hate for the Brits to think that now the medical people have been taken out of the equation I'll suddenly forget who my father and the cleaner are and start giving the good stuff away for free.

F**k That Was Intense!

The British Academy Film and Television Association (BAFTA) Awards have just ended it London. The climax of the ceremony was Vanessa Redgrave, mother of Natasha Richardson, receiving a lifetime achievement award from HRH Prince William, heir to the British Crown that is widely suspected of murdering Natasha Richardson. The film everyone's been talking about is The Hurt Locker.

Although she did not win an award an annoyingly large part of the ceremony focused on the British actress, Olivia Williams. That was probably my fault because I did once Google her name to find out why that name had been stuck in my head all day. The answer of course is that's she was in a high profile, British film called An Education. So I'm sorry for that but alcohol does tend to make the mind wander.

Really Dull Update.

Today I've been drafting a response to the Office of Public Guardian over this power of attorney business. It's just a formality really because it's a bit rude to tell everybody else about it but not tell them.

I also saw my grandmother briefly today for the first time since Tuesday. Before I went I drew up a receipt of her spending this week. Although there was some debate over discount rates it totals up to around £120. Based on a income of £70 per week that represents over a £50 shortfall. That of course was the second phase of the Brits plan. Being unable to take large sums of money they would instead take a high volume of small amounts of money in the hope that my grandmother would be too stressed and confused to notice. Whatever will they think of next.

And only mentioned because it made me laugh the Council published free newspaper got delivered today. It featured a coloumn written by the Croydon Police Borough Commander in which he congratulated himself on the drop in the burglary rate. What he failed to mention is that the burglary rate has dropped across the borough because the small group of people who do all the burglaries have stopped because they can no longer count on the protection of the Borough Commander.

Britain's All Gold.

Following a long argument about the shape of her helmet Britain's Amy Williams has won the gold medal in the skeleton bobsleigh at the Winter Olympics. This is the first time that a Briton has won a gold medal in a individual event since 1980.

So it's official then; Amy from Bath is going down hill faster then any woman in the world. Well done the gays(!)