To Arthur Guiness

Aiding drunken fucknuttery since 1759 so I've had to have a few to catch up.

Anyway we've had a cleaner round for two hours today so obviously everyone's spent the day doing housework while I try and debate if telling everyone what I got from that cleaner in about three seconds will make the leaders of the G20 nations more or less scared of me. She is either an east African Asian or dark enough to be a Tamil. Either way she came over here 40 ish years ago in order to work in the National Health Service. The immigration status of people from the former British colonies is vague at best but I feel it is dependent on whether they're still working for the NHS and the whole thing does remind me of that nasty incident when Canada changed it's immigration rules but forgot to tell anyone leaving around 3000 people effectively stateless.

Aside from that I've been watching a BBC 4 documentary about the history of TV cop shows that felt like a ketamine party gone wrong and discussing the driving test I took between the sword attack and the 9/11 attack which decided that despite spending a grand on driving lessons I'd managed to get 300% worse then driving. I do however feel I should clarify;

Since the last G20 summit the British Army's strategy in Afghanistan has been based on blowing up as much British stuff (helicopters and cannon fodder) in order to draw Barack Obama into a war and give the British people, for whom the Queen cares deeply, the impression that I am giving the Taliban the order to kill British troops which include my maternal cousin.

New HIV Vaccine

I've been forced to serve a stupid master for far too long to go into the scientific details of this story. However the World Health Organisation (WHO) has today announced that it has discovered a vaccine that prevents the transmission of a certain strain of HIV. As there are only three or possibly now four strains of HIV this vaccine could possibly cut worldwide infection rates by 30%.

The idea of releasing it today was that I would go into a big anarchist rant about why the leaders of the world's 20 richest nations think they have the right to decide private matters like that?!!! That question is proving a bit of a problem for the WHO who are currently trying to get a lot of people to take a swine flu vaccine Personally I got a sniff of the Thai Royal Family in the story so I'd rather take my chances with Swine Flu thanks.

In other news Peter Lord Mandelson, the former EU trade commission has been forced to spend the day touring the BRIT school for performing arts in Croydon. To everyone else this must have been deeply hilarious but I live in Croydon so several hours after the news of his visit spread a huge wave of depression followed as people slowly worked out that there is no greater insult you can give man then sending him to Croydon.

Alive But Depressed.

Last night, through no choice of my own, I watched a documentary called "Wounded." The BBC production told the stories of soldiers who had been horrifically wounded in Afghanistan as they battled to recover from their injuries. In short it was a hour and half of pure human misery. What made it worse was that I know enough about the British Army's strategy in Afghanistan to fully understand why the casualty rate has suddenly gone so high. However if were to publish that on the Internet I would be accused of jeopardising the mission and besides it reflects very badly on the Queen. I was also cast in the role of all the wounded soldiers so the scenes in the documentary were packed with lies, malicious lies and personal attacks. The stand out moment of these was when the narrator announced that a solider "would have to learn to walk through the pain." This reminded me of my three month exit from Brighton which was played out with severely bruised, possibly cracked ribs, torn foot ligaments and an 8 inch slash wound to my arm that became infected. Despite that I hit all my marks and retained enough composure that the Brits were forced to rely on those around me to fail for me to fall.

The main reason I'm depressed though is that the cleaner arrived an hour ago although has yet to do any cleaning. Although I gave it the best play I could with both hands metaphorically tied behind my back my father put his foot down so we do not have a copy of the passport of the non-white woman who does not speak with a British accent. Therefore if you want to know if she is entitled to work in the UK you will have to enquire of the British Crown. They are currently discussing the matter through the metaphor of a find of Anglo-Saxon gold that was today ruled as "treasure." This should force you to Google the Treasure Act 1996 which states in section 4 that all Treasure is the property of the Crown and in Section 2 that the Secretary of State has the power to alter the definition of treasure. Theatre aside my father now has no way to prove which cleaner exactly he was employing. Therefore it is my professional opinion that the Brits now have a clear head shot against my father so can close down this branch of the laboratory whenever it sees fit.

The I'm Not Dead Thread.

As you may have noticed Britain is currently trying to kill me. It's got so obvious that they've been forced to issue a statement denying it and tone down the publicly visible aspects of the operation. The stuff that's going on in private is still going on at I would say an increased pace so I feel the need to reassure you all that I am not dead and have not been dead at any point since my last post. It is of course a logical impossibility for me to commit suicide because for a man to take his own life he must first be permitted his own life.

Sadly the news of me not being dead will actually give the Brits encouragement because they will now think that my will to survive is so strong that they will be able to force me into work. This is of course incorrect but the only other options I can think of to address the problem are;

1. Kill myself which presents a bit of an obvious problem.

2. Attempt to kill myself in the hope that my father will call an ambulance and I will survive. In the short term this will get me cut off from the world in a hospital under the close observation of Croydon based mental health professionals leaving my father free to inflict what ever level of destruction he's been ordered reap on my loved ones. In the long term it will guarantee me ongoing contact with the Croydon mental health which is a non-starter until the numerical list is completed in numerical order.

Incidentally my father is still flatly refusing to resolve this cleaner issue so it looks like I'm just going to have to knock him out safe in the knowledge that he will most certainly press charges.

Another Busy Day

Today I've made three telephone calls;

1) I phoned by doctor to make an appointment. He is on holiday and apparently there are no other doctors in the surgery so the receptionist rather rudely put the phone down on me. I'm taking this as an indication that Croydon is now finding it rather difficult to live with the consequences of its choices.

2) I phoned the police to enquire as why they've yet to make arrests. I initially got the engaged tone twice. After getting through on the third attempt I found out that the officer in charge of the case has extended his holiday by phoning in sick and won't be available until Thursday at the earliest.

3) Attempted to phone my sister but she didn't answer. I didn't bother try a second time because I only wanted reassurance that she understands that the state knows it's running out of road and will therefore try and throw every lie and every threat at her so she gives them more road.

Later I will be getting dragged to the pub underneath the council office building by my father where we will discuss this cleaner issue once again. You could've guessed that was coming because the Baroness Scotland story is back in the news. There is of course another perspective to this story because my paternal grandfather who served as Royal Marine Commando and a Royal Military Policeman during the second world war once took his wife on a holiday to Grenada. The holiday didn't go so well because after about a week Maurice Bishop staged a coup and my grandparents had to be evacuated alongside the Governor of the island. I believe that Baroness Scotland is part of that same network although we've never seen a penny out of her. I would ask my grandfather to clarify the details but he died soon after he returned so I guess there are worse things you can inflict on Britain then dead soldiers.

Whether or not Baroness Scotland is now forced to resign is a non-issue because peers don't get to resign. I do think the Crown should define what is meant by illegal immigrant though because I was born in this house and my family can trace it's roots in Britain much further then the Queen can.

Now I'll be off to deal with all that as quietly as possible while some people in Britain celebrate because hey hope people in Croydon will read this post and go; "100 years of loyal service and that family is still waiting for the queue to end." The Brits will then try and use that information to map how far you can push certain demographics before you start getting serious insurrection in the ranks.

Corrections & Clarifications

Yesterday I stated that the attack at St Andrews Church took place in 2000. This is of course incorrect because the attack actually took place on November 28th 1999. I made this mistake by quoting the date on a bravery commendation my father received to sounds of howls of laughter from the other 499 people in the church. Ideally I would now post of photograph of this commendation but the USB ports on my PC are still being blocked by GCHQ and the Americans still can't see a problem with that so I just have to describe it too you. It is a 10", silver plate inscribed with the words;

"Presented To
[people's names]
Who Have Been Placed On The 2001 New Year's Day Parade - London,
Roll of Honour
12th December 2000."

Now while New Years Day Parades are big news in the United States the 2001 London parade was such a non-event that neither I nor the media bothered turn up. Therefore I find it very hard not to conclude that although the attack took place just nine months after the start of the NATO mission in Kosovo someone in the British Establishment felt the need to make it a matter of public record that fresh attention was draw to the incident in 2001.

I've also managed to find a small photograph of the attacker taken before the attack online. Now if this man wasn't alive to speak for himself what religion would you guess he was a member of?

How Stupid Can One Man Be?

As I've mentioned before with the bills piling up and the current plan running out of road Britain is currently looking for way to breathe new life into it's operations. This involves searching for any excuse to delay my sister's recovery by extending her stay in hospital beyond the original six months and trying to get a cleaner into my grandmother's home. The last time they tried to introduce a cleaner into my father's home it lasted all of about 50 minutes so this time the Brits are engaging in a program of softening up. This involved staging a professional break-in at my grandmother's property during the night of 16th of September. Although property was moved around at the times on clocks were changed no property was stolen and there is no indication of how the perpetrator gained access to the address. This means the break-in was either carried out my MI5's in-house burglary division or a local agent operating with a degree of technical support.

The Brits also tried to build up confidence in the cleaner by attempting to disguise the fact she is being provided by the local health authority through Parchmore Road Medical Centre by focusing on the fact that she attends Saint Andrew's Roman Catholic Church. St Andrews Church represents an important event in my families history because in 2000 my Catholic mother attended a 10:00AM Sunday service and on this occasion my Protestant father, acting out of character, decided to join her. At around 10:15AM a schizophrenic of vaguely Muslim extraction walked in with a Samurai sword and began hacking the congregation into little bits. Although I didn't think about it at the time looking back the fact the attacker (Eden Strang) had been under the care of Croydon Mental Health service for a number of years makes it a certainty that the whole thing was staged. Following the principle that you can either get 100 people to sign up to an idea for 1 really good reason or 100 really bad ones this was done because;

1. By re-creating a scene straight out of the Rwandan genocide Britain were able to promote discussion over NATO's war in Kosovo which, at the time, the Brits were absolutely convinced was being fought for the benefit of the countries Muslim population.

2. It gives Britain plausible deniability if, as expected, the US became a victim of a mass causalty attack carried out by Muslim terrorists because they can always claim the incident as warning, albeit an obtuse one.

3. By portraying it as a religiously motivated attack the C of E Protestants hoped to be able to recruit Catholics into their Crusade against Islam. Of course this plan fell flat on it's face when rather then killing the attacker the congregation simply disarmed him and in doing so allowed the world to see that his tenuous religious heritage was secondary to the fact he was absolutely bat shit insane.

The Brits also tried to build up confidence in the new cleaner by announcing that that the UK's Attorney General, Baroness Scotland is to be investigated for allegedly employing an illegal immigrant as a domestic cleaner. This was designed to build the entirely false impression that the cleaner being proposed was not part of any British network or an "illegal immigrant". During the reporting of the story it emerged that under British law a private individual who employs a domestic cleaner for even just one hour a week has the same legal liability as any other employer to make sure the employee is permitted to work in the country. The maximum fine upon conviction is £50,000 which is more then enough to wipe out either my father or grandmother financially. This raises the possibility that the Brits are acting as agent provocateur in order to force my father into bankruptcy. Of course this threat is easily eliminated by simply checking the employees passport before they start work. I raised this point with my father yesterday and he flatly refused to do anything about it. Not because it would involve extra work but because he believes that if the British State are trying to destroy him then it is his duty to assist them.

Elsewhere Britain has gone on the defensive over the Godstone Farm E-Coli outbreak randomly closing similar farms across the country.

Edited to correct: I've looked it up on the Internet and the St Andrews sword attack took place on 28th November 1999 not 2000 which is the date on the bravery commendation my father received. I'm not sure if it's a good day or a bad day when you have to ask Google to remind you of traumatic events in your history.