The 2014 Eurovision Song Contest: The Grand Final.

Saturday (10/5/14) evening saw the grand final of the 2014 Eurovision Song Contest held in Copenhagen, Denmark. It was won by Austria with The Netherlands and Sweden finishing in second and third position respectively. However before I start talking about the winning entries I should start by discussing the main trends at this year's competition. Not least because I'm actually writing this up offline several hours before the start of the final.

Kim Kardashian: Or perhaps more accurately the mystery of my relationship with Kim Kardashian and specifically that time she crashed my Twitter timeline during the 2014 Winter para-Olympic opening ceremony. I must confess that having heard all the jokes about the sex tape, the 72 day marriage, being famous for no apparent reason when I was introduced to Kim Kardashian (via Twitter) I was fully expecting to not like her at all. So imagine my annoyance in discovering that I do actually quite like Kim Kardashian. Not in any way that Kanye West needs to be jealous off but we do seem to have a few things in common such as our ages and well I'm essentially just a gossipy housewife at the heart. Plus I think that motherhood really seems to suit Kim Kardashian.

Obviously to understand Kim Kardashian's feelings about me you will need to speak to her. However I am aware that Kim Kardashian is of Armenian heritage and as a world famous Armenian is expected to know a lot about Armenian culture and history including the slaughter of 1.5million Armenians by troops from the Ottoman-Turk Empire in Van in 1915. Whether or not those killings can be described as a "genocide" is still hotly contested within international politics. However due to this knowledge of Europe and its sometimes bloody history I think it is fair to say that Kim Kardashian understands the stakes of the current situation in Ukraine in a way that most Americans simply do not.

As a result of this trend it seemed compulsory that every dark haired female (and one male) contestant had to resemble Kim Kardashian in some way, shape or form. Curiously Armenia was one of the few nations not to join in with this trend seeming to make great efforts to avoid dark haired women in both of their stage performances.

Eastern High Culture Versus Western Low Culture: This was a topic that was raised during the Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia and has been expanded on at Eurovision. As a result many former Soviet states such as Moldova, Albania and Slovenia to name but a few entered songs that represented a strong understanding of classical music and opera either through the style of the songs themselves or in the artist's background. This is in direct contrast to previous years where the former Soviet states have entered really trashy pop/dance songs presumably in the belief that it what people in the west like.

By far the best contribution to this discussion though came from France with their song "Moustache" by "TWIN TWIN." Although seemingly silly at first glance Moustache actually has quite a serious message about a man who has all the consumerist status symbols that a man could want but would happily trade it all for the ability to grow a moustache. As such it seems to be suggesting that the man is only chasing all these consumer fashions and trends to cover up the fact that he is not a proper man with a moustache being a symbol of masculine identity.

Obviously under Communism consumer capitalism was banned meaning that when the Soviet Union collapsed people in the former Soviet States embraced it in a big way with Levi jeans and McDonalds burgers becoming huge status symbols. This race to embrace American trash culture also seems to have been reflected in former Soviet States previous Eurovision entries and the growing popularity of sub-par hip hop/rap music of the type peddled by Chris Brown and Drake. However as the former Soviet States grow in confidence they seem happier to embrace the high culture of the Soviet years as evidenced by this year's entries. As such the French seemed to be posing the question of whether it is a lack of national identity in these former Soviet states that is driving their obsession with American consumerism.

So although some might criticise France's entry for being overtly political against contest rules I think it just about gets away with it because it is talking about a broad social trend rather then a specific political issue. Plus it was that good you have absolutely no trouble believing the list of famous and talented people that TWIN TWIN claim to have worked with.

The Sexual Objectification of Women: Or more specifically the sexual objectification of eastern European women and the role it plays in prostitution in western Europe and pan-European sex trafficking.

Membership of the European Union (EU) particularly the Schengen Agreement allows for the free movement of people across national borders with no questions being asked. This is obviously great news for anyone who wants to go and live in another EU nation for the cultural experience or simply to find better paid work. However it is also great news for organised crime gangs who kidnap young women in eastern European nations and then sell them into prostitution in western Europe. After all few people have the time to ask whether their whore is a Slavic girl from Poland which is an EU member state or a Slavic girl from Ukraine which is not an EU member state. In short the film "Taken" only really differs from reality because in reality there is rarely a movie star hero to sweep in and save the day.

It is issues such as these which means that I find the efforts of western liberal elites to suppress parties such as UKIP who are trying to have a grown up conversation about EU immigration policy including its negative aspects really annoying. After all even amongst my - shall we say - more shadowy associates there is an understanding that you keep as far away as possible from people traffickers because there is simply very little they will not do. Obviously this negative aspect of immigration is something that nations who oppose the policy of free movement of people for more selfish, economic reasons are keen to focus on. However even within the Schengen Agreement there are many things that can be done to tackle this problem with legalised prostitution with a system of licensing and inspection being the most obvious solution.

This trend was touched on through the battle of the sexes of Lithuania's entry and the overt and intentional misogyny of Belerus' "Cheesecake." It was then expanded on by Poland's somewhat pornographic "We Are Slavic" and Russia's Tolmachevy Twins. This featured two, very young blond girls who are veterans of the borderline paedophilic Junior Eurovision Song Contest holding up what appeared to be giant glass dildos as they were tied up - ass to ass - by their hair. It was Switzerland though who really crowned this discussion with the video for their entry "Hunter of Stars" portraying the singer Seblater as the ever helpful hotel concierge that everybody loves because he brings them 'extra pillows'. The fact that the Swiss song managed to hide some extremely dark lyrics behind such a happy and cheerful tune really helped to highlight how we all seem happy to ignore this hidden problem.

Gay-Rights: Or more specifically the collective failure of Europe's gay-rights activists to take advantage of the Sochi Winter Olympics to further the cause of gay-rights in Russia.

Although I think governmental mischief and wider geo-political issues played a significant role in this failure I found the way the gay-rights issue was handled in Sochi to be hugely disappointing. That is because it seemed as though the Russian hosts had gone to great lengths to make sure that all the issues behind homophobia in Russia were neatly lined up for more enlightened, western gay-rights activists to help knock down. Unfortunately the international gay community seemed to collectively choke at the opportunity and simply imploded.

This failure was somewhat foreshadowed at the 2013 song contest by the reaction to Azerbaijan's entry. That featured a man dancing on top of a perspex box containing another man dressed all in black who was acting as his shadow. Eurovision's large gay viewership immediately took this as a metaphor for the man's hidden homosexuality and started hyperventilating. However the real issue being addressed was much wider and much more serious then gay-rights and was re-visited more clearly in Azerbaijan's 2014 entry. If you've worked out what that issue is I'm sure you'll appreciate why it still isn't appropriate for me in my role as "The Big, Booming Voice of god" to shout about it.

As a result many of this year's Eurovision's entries featured subtle little references to Azerbaijan's 2013 entry in an effort to remind gay-rights activists that they perhaps need to calm down a bit because while important gay-rights are important they are not the be all and end all of life on earth. With lyrics about waking up amid the rubble and  being forced to walk across broken glass before rising from the ashes like a Phoenix one of the leading voices in this criticism was Austria's Conchita Wurst which has to be one of the most gloriously gay Eurovision entries ever.

Although I don't think it quite justifies being elevated to the status of a full trend there also seemed to be an undercurrent of discussion about Eurovision's taste and decency rules covering how overtly sexual an act can be, how much flesh a performer can flash and whether or not they can use swear words. Rather then being a response to the US' efforts to cause hysteria over this issue through Miley Cyrus and Rihanna this is almost a constant discussion at Eurovision. That's because the contest has to appeal to viewers in Islamic nations such as Jordan where a women with her hair uncovered is considered risque alongside more puritan nations such as Britain where the sight of a heaving bosom could cause a national panic and more liberal European nations such as France and Italy who couldn't really care less if performers turned up fully nude.

As a result many of the videos supporting entries featured lots of female leg and thigh being flashed and several featured women supposedly nude whilst writhing around in bathtubs while Poland's entry rather speaks for itself. The video for Italy's entry "La Mia Citta" even featured the singer Emma wearing an Alexander Wang Principle 1.2.6 campaign style beanie hat emblazoned with the word "Fuck." This aggressive boundary pushing seemed to be Eurovision having a collective laugh about US attempts to drive us all wild with the scandal of Miley Cyrus' stage costumes or Rihanna being photographed topless. Also it seemed to be making the point that it is quite difficult to bring up issues relating to sexuality, prostitution and sex trafficking without making sexual references and the Eurovision rules are certainly a lot tighter then those applied to the modern pop-industry. However those rules are deliberately tight in order to inspire creativity, make people work harder keeping dross like Taylor Momsen out.

Anyway it was around track 13 that I decided that I really needed a drink to take the edge off. After a further 13 songs some 'interesting' half-time entertainment while the voting took place and then the nail-biting announcement of the results I think it is probably best that I go to bed before writing more. However I can't resist saying a few words about our new queen of Eurovision;

Austria: Although I don't know him that well I strongly suspect that Tom Neuwirth - the man behind "Conchita Wurst" is a homosexual. However that does not mean that he thinks he is a woman or is either a transvestite or a transsexual. Instead he is a drag act which means that by wearing women's clothes when he performs he is simply putting on a costume and assuming a character in order to entertain. Basically he is just a type of clown.

Your first clue that Neuwirth doesn't expect to be taken seriously as a women when he appears as Conchita Wurst should be that he has not only gone to the trouble of growing a beard but he keeps that beard whilst in character. As such Conchita Wurst is the archetypal "Bearded Lady" from circus freak-shows throughout the world. This is a little nod to the fact that Eurovision is widely considered as the worlds greatest freak-show. In fact every year there is the unofficial presentation of the "What The F*ck?! (WTF) award. This dates back to the early days of the song contest when the world was a much less interconnected place and the contest was very much a one day affair at which nations would turn up to make their bold cultural statement in their native language only for absolutely no-one else to have any idea what they were going on about. However in more recent years nations have deliberately targeted this award in order to boost their international profile by standing out as the most strange and memorable entry.

Through her physical appearance Conchita Wurst obviously played into the Kim Kardashian theme and particularly through an introductory video (postcard) which portrayed her sorting through magnificent gowns like some sort of fashion expert. However Austria's references to Kim Kardashian were very light hearted and playful in an effort to engage other nations in discussion about what Austria saw as something pretty obvious and help guide those nations in the right direction. So where every other nation was falling over themselves to award Austria maximum points Austria awarded maximum points to Armenia. Obviously holding the 2015 contest in Armenia on almost the exact date of the 100th anniversary of the Van massacre would have placed a lot of pressure on Turkey.

Obviously the main thrust of Austria's entry was the gay-rights issue and not only was this done through the lyrics but the song was very much in the style of the big ballads used as theme songs for James Bond movies. James Bond is of course the world famous British secret agent so this seemed to be a reference to the role that spy agency mischief and wider geo-politics played in screwing up the gay-rights element of the Sochi Winter Olympics.

Edited at around 14:00 on 11/5/14 (UK date) to add; Obviously I finished mid-paragraph last night.

The Netherlands: Their entry "Calm After the Storm" by The Common Linnets was all about helping to bring their traditional ally Britain back into the European fold by pushing Miley Cyrus onto the agenda whilst she was in the UK at the start of the European leg of her tour. As such much was made of the fact that the band had spent a lot of time in Miley Cyrus' hometown of Nashville, US honing their craft. The "white lines" supposedly representing road markings that were projected onto the stage during the performance were intended to represent cocaine in an effort to fuel entirely false rumours that Miley Cyrus' recent health has been caused by excessive cocaine use although even that rumour has been struggling to find traction. Even the title of the song was supposed to suggest that for Europe Miley Cyrus is the calm following the storm of last years Rihanna tour although I'm pretty sure this has got to be the first time Miley Cyrus has been described as a calming influence.

Through her appearance the Common Linnets female vocalist - Ilse DeLange - appears to have made great efforts to resemble UK pop-singer Duffy who was reasonably famous in the last decade particularly for her debut song "Mercy." As such the Dutch were challenging to Israeli accusation that old Europe's Protestant Monarchies - of which the Dutch House of Orange are central players - lack mercy whilst at the same time enquiring as to what Moldova meant with their song "Wild Soul."

The somewhat sneaky trick the Dutch played was to wrap this rather unpopular political agenda up in actually a rather good song which although unlikely to become a sales hit certainly seems capable of finding space on radio play-lists across Europe. As such this brought up the contest's voting system which - apart from exceptional circumstances - gives 50% of a nation's vote to panels made up people from within the music/entertainment industry and 50% to the public through televoting.

Although they are under some obligation to recognise artistic achievement these panels don't really have to explain why they've voted the way that they did and are certainly allowed to base a large part of their decisions on the vague notion of their "general impression of an act" which means they are able to award votes based on the political agenda of an act and how a national team has performed on the gauntlet of red carpets, fan meet and greets and press interviews that take place throughout the week long contest. The public on the other hand tend to simply vote for the song that sounds the best to them based on the performance in the final. While I've not done a full statistical analysis of the results based on a quick glance it appears that the Dutch tended to be marked down by the panels but were elevated by the public votes.

On this issue of the voting system in a bit of a scandal the Georgian panel votes were excluded due to unspecified irregularities meaning that only their public votes were counted. Although I don't know the exact details the message from this appears to be that the Georgian authorities are still not trusted by people in Europe.

Sweden: Their entry "Undo" by Sanna Nielsen very much reflected Sweden's fears that it is becoming increasingly isolated within European politics. Although they have managed to do it incredibly discreetly and subtly Sweden have taken a very hawkish position on every major issue such as Syria, Ukraine and the US and the UK's Rihanna operation. With lyrics such as; "Silent I just stood there silent" and "Trouble baby I’m in trouble" Sweden is suggesting that for far too long it has simply gone with the flow and is questioning whether it is time for them to break away from the Protestant Monarchy minority made up the UK, the Netherlands, Belgium and the US and join up with the majority view in European politics. However through lyrics such as; "Gotta make a change, And make some noise" Sweden's seems to be indicating that it intends to continue on its current path particularly when it comes to Ukraine.


As for why the song did so well it is a big ballad and Eurovision voters do love big ballads. Also there is something of a Scandinavian mafia in Eurovision voting with the longstanding joke being that if you live in Norway, Denmark or Iceland you are - by law - only allowed to vote for Sweden. Finally by being placed in the top three Sweden's entry will receive a lot more attention and therefore discussion than if it had placed fifth or even fourth.






So there are the top three finishes from the 2014 Eurovision Song Contest. Obviously I can't write up every single entry in this level of detail or I'd still be doing it by the time the 2015 contest begins. However later to day or perhaps more likely tomorrow I will write up some of the more stand-out entries. In the meantime feel free to enjoy how this post originally ended as shown below.




15:40 on 11/5/14 (UK date).
 

Yep I'm clearly too far gone to complete that point or any of the many other points that Conchita Wurst so beautifully encapsulated. However before I go I should point out that "Vladimir the Great" was the 10th Century King of Kievan-Rus (modern Ukraine) who converted the Pagan Slavs to Russian Orthodox Christianity. He was himself baptised a Christian in Crimea and current Russian President Vladimir Putin referenced Vladimir the Great in the speech marking Crimea's re-entry to Russia. As such Poland's attempt to remind Ukrainians of their "[western] Slavic Blood" seemed very much like an incitement to ethnic cleansing and seems to have had some impact in Mariupol on Friday (9/5/14). As such I feel forced to say;

Poland. "No Ethnic Cleansing" isn't even the first rule of Eurovision. Do you know why it's not the first rule of Eurovision?! It's because it's so f*cking obvious no-one thought we would need an actual f*cking written rule!!"

Mind the you the way the Poles managed to disguise that in many different clothes should give you a clue as to why here in the lazy and entitled UK we are absolutely terrified of Polish immigration.

00:00 on 11/5/14 (UK date).

The 2014 Eurovision Song Contest: 2nd Semi-Final.

As I explained in my post about the first semi-final there is no central theme to this years Eurovision Song Contest and in the interests of giving a fair chance to all nations throughout the week long competition I am limited in what I can say. I can though say what I like about the five nations that were knocked out tonight;

Georgia: In 2008 Georgia declared war on Russia in the hope that the inevitable Russian counter-attack would cause the European Union (EU) and NATO to immediately leap to Georgia's aid defeating Russia militarily. Funnily enough this didn't happen and since then Georgia has been isolated by both the EU and NATO although the US have recently taken to trotting out then Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvilli in response to the situation in Ukraine as if Saakashvilli is some sort of expert on Russian/EU relations.

Featuring lyrics like; "Show us the stairway to come back to Earth – sky diver’s space jump! Lead those three minutes longin’ for love" Georgia's entry "Three Minutes to Earth" by "The Shin and Mariko" was all about Georgia pleading to be allowed back from the political wilderness while showcasing Georgian folk music. Perhaps in an effort to highlight the effect this isolation is having on them that is all there was to Georgia's entry. Although there isn't a central theme to this years contest there are a number of trends that are shared between different nations to differing extents. Georgia's entry completely ignored all of these and - it must be said - wasn't particularly good meaning that it simply didn't deserve a place in the final.

Lithuania: Their entry "Attention" by "Vilija Matačiūnaitė" is all about her getting chatted up by a guy in a bar. She performs on stage with a male dancer whom she constantly seems to be battling for dominance. As Lithuania's entry touches on the issue of gender equality that is expanded on by other nations into the trend of sexual violence against women and sex trafficking in particular.

The main thrust of Lithuania's entry though was Rihanna specifically the opening two acts ("Phresh off the Runway" and "Man Down") of the Diamonds World Tour. As a result Matačiūnaitė took to the stage in black outfit featuring a hooped short skirt which was intended to create speculation that she might end up flashing her, erm, 'Birthday Cake.' The song even featured the lyric; "I’m not gonna ask you buy me diamonds" and was originally written in the light reggae-style of "Man Down" and "You da One." As such this was yet another nation pointing out to the US that it wasn't in any way troubled by the Rihanna operation because they can in fact do that sort of thing for themselves. However on this occasion there was no expression of support for Germany.

Rihanna has of course been something of a micro-trend within this years competition but one that seemed to limited only to the Baltic nations. Joining Latvia and Estonia from the first semi-final the elimination of Lithuania means that none of these nations made it through to the final. Sadly for Rihanna the message from Eurovision appears to be that they consider her to be a spent force and yesterday's news. Any nation that failed to work that one out for themselves appears to have been rejected as not being up to the standard of the final.

22:00 on 8/5/14 (UK date). I'll add more tomorrow.

Edited at around 13:35 on 9/5/14 (UK date) to add;

Israel: Every year Israel provide me with an opportunity to explain that although there is a lot of overlap these days the entire Eurovision project of which the Song Contest is simply a part has nothing to do with the European Union (EU). Instead it is part of the European Broadcasting Union (EBU) which is much older and much broader including nations as far afield as Morocco, Libya and Jordan. In recent years there has even been serious talk of allowing Australia to join because the song contest is very popular over there despite the fact they have to get up at around 06:00 to watch it live. This year Australia were even granted a sort of official observer status being allowed perform a segment during the voting in this second semi-final.

As I think I've mentioned more then once Israel are currently very angry at the US. Primarily this is because of the ever worsening situation in Syria with which Israel is technically still at war. However unusually in a world where everything is expressed through metaphor or euphemism Israel is also actually furious with the US over the way they are treating Rihanna. Israel's entry expressed that anger through the very dark song "Same Heart." This was performed by Mei Feingold who like the US pop-star "P!nk" has the sort of athletic presence that has you questioning whether she is gay or straight. With lyrics such as; "I'm, skinning you out, No longer a part. We don't beat from the same heart." Israel was making it quite clear that as a predominately Jewish republic it has nothing in common with Europe's predominately Protestant Monarchies that seem to have no problem with the situation in Syria or the US' treatment of Rihanna.


As always Israel's entry suffered in the voting due to a boycott campaign that is officially in protest against Israel's treatment of the Palestinians. However in this context it does also provide an opportunity for discussion about the rising levels of anti-Semitism in Europe.


Ireland: Their song "Heartbeat" was performed by "Cann-Linn" with Kasey Smith on vocals. Amid the backstage publicity efforts much was made of the fact that Smith had spent a year in Nashville, Tennessee, US honing her craft. Now this could have simply been an effort to highlight that there is actually a huge Country & Western/Rockabilly music scene in Ireland. However it seemed more like an effort to push famous Nashville resident Miley Cyrus onto the Eurovision agenda as she began the European portion of her tour in London, UK. This Irish obsession with the US continued with the dark haired Smith at times seeming to resemble Kim Kardashian with her stage costume invoking thoughts of Katy Perry who was performing in Belfast, UK during this second semi-final.


With lyrics all about rising up and trying again and keeping your head above the water Ireland's entry was very much about the nations political future as it exits from its Eurozone bailout and re-emerges rehabilitated into normal society. The lyrics about breaking the border and the wall being paper thin were intended to promote fears that re-energised Ireland's Catholics might try to resume their war of independence from Britain by re-claiming Northern Ireland. However people with a deeper knowledge of Ireland know that due to centuries of British colonisation Ireland actually has quite a substantial Protestant population. Normally this isn't much of an issue within Irish politics but on this occasion it certainly appears as though those Protestants were put in charge of the Eurovision entry.


This elimination represents only the third time that the most successful nation in the contest's history has failed to qualify for the final since the qualification system was introduced in 2004. It is also one of the first occasions in which Ireland has abandoned its famous policy of neutrality in favour of a partisan political position.


Malta: OK technically it was the Former Yugoslav Republic (FYR) of Macedonia who were eliminated. However I think they were robbed as they seemed to be on course for a strong middle of the table finish in the final. So instead I'm going to talk about Malta.


Coming on the 100th anniversary of the start of the First World War (WW1) Malta's entry "Coming Home" was officially dedicated to memories of the soldiers who fought in that war - many of whom have still not come home. However in the back stage publicity effort much has been made of the fact that the song's writer and lead singer of the band "Firelight" grew up in Malta before travelling to the UK for work before returning to Malta. As such the song also seemed to be about migration within the EU. Performed very much in the style of the British band "Mumford & Sons" it seemed specifically to be about Britain's attitude towards migration within the EU while perhaps suggesting that Britain would be happier going back to the old Empire dominated Europe of the pre-WW1 era.


Although this is a valid topic for conversation it isn't one that seems to have been picked up by any other competitor at this years contest. As such Malta either seems to be completely oblivious to everything that is going on around it or is bravely ploughing its own furrow depending on how you choose to look at it. Most importantly though it seems as though rather then speaking with its own voice about issues that are important to it Malta has simply been handed a script to read out and that script doesn't seem to be particularly accurate. To my mind that doesn't make them finalist material.




14:40 on 9/5/14 (UK date).

Ukraine-O-Vision.

As I've mentioned the 2014 Eurovision Song Contest is currently taking place in Copenhagen, Denmark where it is in danger of being overshadowed by events in Ukraine.

This presents me with a problem because if I were to cover events in Ukraine during the competition I would have to provide complete coverage not only analysing every single event but also every single rumour about events on the ground. I simply do not have the time and resources to do this. In part this is because the situation is so fast moving and constantly changing but also because now the story is about the Kiev government killing people that disagree with it the media here in the UK have very much lost interest in a story that doesn't fit into their pre-determined narrative. However it is quite clear that Kiev's offensive against the east is proving to be far from decisive with control of areas swinging back and forth between pro-Kiev and anti-Kiev forces on an almost hour by hour basis.

One very big development though came yesterday (7/5/14) when Russian President Vladimir Putin called on opponents of the Kiev government to abandon their plans for a federalisation referendum on Sunday (11/5/14). The calculation behind this is that the true objective of Kiev's offensive is not to re-assert it's control over the Donbass region but to create such disruption and a climate of fear and intimidation that it would be impossible for that vote to take place denying people the opportunity of democratically showing that they do not agree with the Kiev government. The hope being that if the referendum was abandoned voluntarily the Kiev government would have no incentive to continue the offensive so further loss of life could be avoided.

Unfortunately though today the Kiev government - keen to avoid have its true motivation exposed - announced that it would continue military operations regardless of whether or not the referendum went ahead. As a result opponents of the Kiev government have decided that the referendum will go ahead as planned as far as is possible while fighting continues.

11:45 on 8/5/14 (UK date).

The 2014 Eurovision Song Constest: 1st Semi-Final.

The 2013 Eurovision Song Contest was a very coherent affair built around the central theme of the European Union's (EU) relationship with Russia with the issue of homophobia being used as a metaphor. It was won by Denmark's Emmelie de Forest with a song entitled "Only Teardrops" which beautifully referenced The Skorpians song "Winds of Change" with its use of whistles and flutes. Winds of Change is widely acknowledged as the song that helped create the atmosphere for the fall of the Berlin Wall and the end of the Cold War from which both the EU and modern Russia were born.

Since the 2013 contest we have seen the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia in which gay-rights was a major theme and the relationship between the EU and Russia was called into sharp focus by the situation in Ukraine. As such the 2014 contest is serving as something of a review of the Sochi Olympics. However the Sochi Olympics only ended about eight weeks ago which really isn't enough time to put a Eurovision entry together. As a result this year's contest is shaping up to be a much more disjointed affair with nations all trying to raise their own individual points for discussion rather then there being one central theme.

Before I talk any further about the 2014 contest though I should point out that the modern Eurovision Song Contest is so much more then simply Saturday's (10/45/14) final. The contest actually opened on Sunday (4/5/14) evening and since then the contestants have been busy with red carpet appearances, meet and greets with fans, social media campaigns and traditional TV, radio, newspaper and magazine interviews which are accompanied by the media relations games and spin tricks that are common in the entertainment  industry. In short they're trying to condense the entire experience of being a modern pop star into one short week. As such if I go into too much detail about the acts featured in the first semi-final it hands an unfair advantage to the acts in Thursday's (8/5/14) second semi-final and the six automatic qualifiers to the final.

I can though say whatever I like about the six nations that were knocked out in the first semi-final. Or at least I can make a start;

Latvia: Their song "Cake to Bake" by Aarzemnieki initially seemed popular with the hashtag #CaketoBake being the number 1 worldwide Twitter trend throughout most of the semi-final. Essentially this song was ripping the p*ss out of the US with lyrics such as; "I melted the ice of the polar caps, found the raiders of the lost ark, solved a case for the genius from Baker Street, helped to clean the Central Park. I created the plan for the Chinese wall, went to desert, made it rain, swam through a shark tank bloodily, found Atlantis, by the way..." all sung in the whiny style of 'artists' such as Jason Mraz and other tediums who contribute to the genre known as "Nursery rhymes for grown-ups."

The song took specific aim at the US' Rihanna operation both with it's title and lyrics such as; "I've got a cake to bake – I’ve got no clue at all(!)" before going on to lay out both Chris Brown and Drake's blueprint or recipe to manipulate Rihanna into a relationship with either of them through the lyrics; "Mix some dough, add some love, let it bake, wait for it" because "dough" is slang for "money," you can say that people who smoke marijuana enjoy getting 'baked' and I think we all know how interested Rihanna is in her 'cake.'

The fact that the lead singer Joran Steinhauer is already quite famous in both Latvia and his native Germany due to his 2013 Internet hit song "Paldies Latiņam!" which wishes fond goodbye to Latvia's currency the Lat as the nation entered the Eurozone means that the Latvians seemed to be indicating that while they're not best pleased with the US they are perfectly happy as members of the EU in which Germany is a key player, especially in these debt ridden days.

Aarzemnieki could also serve to highlight why I need to behave myself during Eurovision week. While I was researching the contestants on the Eurovision.tv website on Monday (5/4/14) Rihanna popped up on my Twitter timeline in that way she tends to when she needs my help with something. I responded by sending her a link to Latvia's song. As a result Rihanna could have mobilised her considerable digital fan-base to make sure that the people who had insulted their icon was banished from the competition. As it turns out I had to do even that for her.

Belgium: Their song "Mother" was sung by Axel Hirsoux who is clearly fat enough to be an opera singer but who is equally clearly not talented enough. With lyrics such as; "And once again mother, You are right there mother, You are my guiding light, My shoulder, my shelter, my satellite, I'm weak, you're bright." the song was billed as a tribute to mothers everywhere and the role that mothers and women in general play in society. However in reality I think it was just a personal attack against me.


This all goes back to a time when I used to talk about my relationship with my kidnapped lesbian wife. Although I don't remember ever putting it quite this pretentiously I used to describe the type of love we shared as a very nurturing type of love that allowed both parties to grow and become better, more rounded people. This is in contrast to the type of love displayed between first Rihanna and Chris Brown and more recently between Rihanna and Drake which seems far more poisonous intended to destroy the souls of the people it touches and leave them in constant penury and need.

Perhaps not understanding the difference or perhaps just looking for a reason to hate me the British Establishment took this to mean that I was some sort of emotionally weak and needy freak. The British slang term is "Mummy's boy." The fact that this song was sung by a fat man was intended to stick the knife further into me by perpetuating the myth that I am so grotesquely overweight that Rihanna - or any other woman - could never find me attractive. However it must be said that I've always enjoyed women who've got a very long list of reasons why they're definitely not attracted to me.

Anyway it appears that for someone who has sat through a Eurovision semi-final I am nowhere near drunk enough. So now I'm going to go off an rectify that and continue this tomorrow. 


22:30 on 6/5/14 (UK date).

Edited at around 14:10 on 7/5/14 (UK date) to add;

Estonia: Their song "Amazing" was performed by Tanja who was born in Kaliningrad, Soviet Union before moving to Estonia at the age of two. Obviously this story highlights that due to migration during the Soviet Union and in the years before many people in former Soviet states such as Estonia have very strong cultural, linguistic and family ties to Russia. In turn this highlights what a difficult position these former Soviet states are put in by the predominately American demand that in order to forge closer ties with organisations such as the EU and NATO these nations must first break off all ties with Russia. With lyrics such as; "Stay amazing lie (do you hear me screaming?)" seems to be expressing frustration at being forced to choose between either the US or Russia rather then being allowed then being free to form a unique cultural identity.

The way the song was performed was very impressive with Tanja performing a complex modern dance routine whilst singing. This picks up on the theme of Russian high culture versus Western pop culture that played such as large part of the Winter Olympic ceremonies and seems to be expressing a preference for high culture which as I pointed out at the time is something that marks out all former Soviet states rather then being something exclusively Russian. It is also in contrast to previous Eurovision entries from former Soviet states that have tended towards being very trashy. In all the supporting interviews much has been made of the fact that Tanja does indeed sing live throughout her demanding performance without relying on a backing track. This is a reference to the practice of using backing tracks during live performances in general and a specific reference to Rihanna's Diamonds World Tour in which many people commented that at many of her shows rather then performing concerts Rihanna was simply the person with the best seat in the house while a DJ played Rihanna records.

The overall tone of the performance though was very reminiscent of the video for "Stay the Night" by German DJ "ZEDD" featuring US rock star Hayley Williams on vocals which has been a huge success across Europe recently. As with their Baltic neighbour Latvia through this connection Estonia also seemed to be expressing support for Germany while at the same time mocking the US by pointing out that they've got a ginger haired singer who can also pull off the dance moves. However in the topsy-turvy world of Eurovision this could actually be interpreted as Estonian support for the US. After all when you're screwing up your life it is your friends rather than your enemies that will plead with you to stop. Similarly by showing all this love for Germany Estonia could well be expecting favours in return.

Moldova: Their song "Wild Soul" provided one of the most dramatic performances of the evening with the powerfully voiced Cristina Scarlat taking to the stage in the costume of a warrior queen similar to ancient Britain's Boudica, Wagner's Valkyrie Brunnhilde or Daenerys Targaryen for fans of Game of Thrones. This seemed to suit a very passionate song with a chorus about having no mercy.

Moldova neighbours Ukraine and the port city of Odessa in particular. Along with Ukraine Moldova also has a large culturally and ethnically Russian population mainly located in the Transnistria region on the border with Ukraine which is also home to Russia's 14th Army. As such the unrest in Ukraine places Moldova at the centre of a raging storm not unlike the one that forced Seigmund to seek shelter at the start of Wagner's opera. For example in their efforts to portray everything that is happening in Ukraine as a giant Russian conspiracy the US claimed that the lack of support for the Kiev government across southern Ukraine is in fact Russia trying to open up a military corridor in order to seize Transnistria from Moldova. Although this is extremely unlikely to be true if the US continue saying it loudly and frequently enough Russian speakers in Moldova might get ideas and start an uprising of their own.

So rather then expressing support for either the US or Russia Moldova seemed to be expressing frustration at the fact that they don't appear to be allowed to have a say in how their nation is used in this apparent p*ssing contest between Russia and the US.

Albania: In 1997 Albania's economy completely imploded. Without the EU or the IMF on hand to save the day many Albanians simply illegally marched into Serbia's southern Kosovo province. When the Serbs asked them to leave they refused. Unfortunately at the same time then US President Clinton was under heavy domestic pressure over the Monica Lewinsky affair so declaring war on Serbia provided a convenient distraction. This war was quickly won by NATO and through a mixture of political convenience and Serbia's pretty appalling behaviour during the brutal Yugoslav civil war the US and allied old European nations quickly recognised Kosovo as an independent state. However that recognition has been far from universal and there is a lingering feeling that all Albanians are simply thieves. This has been perpetuated by me mainly in reference to Rihanna's rivalry with the ethically Albanian Rita Ora.

Albania's Eurovision entry tackled this perception of a nation of thieves head on with every element of their entry "One Night's Anger" by  Hersi seemingly stolen from somewhere else. For example Hersi is a classically trained singer who has moved into pop music and the song features a classical inspired sequence before moving into a more pop/rock sequence to highlight this. This obviously steals the high culture versus pop culture theme from the Winter Olympic ceremonies with special reference being made to the fact that Hersi has previously performed Carl Orff's Carmina Burana which was sampled in the "Nas" and Puff Daddy track "Hate Me Now." If you squint your eyes and tilt you head to one side Hersi could resemble US singer Selena Gomez while her English pronunciation is pure Shakira. The melody of the song itself is just the melody of a recent and famous pop song which I just can't for the life of me remember. As a final flourish Hersi has apparently had the black Eagle at the centre of the Albanian flag tattooed between her shoulder blades where I myself have a prominent tattoo.

The problem is that Albania's entry was in no way greater then the some of its parts and this was reflected in their failure to make it through to the final. At the risk of causing more offence the apparent self-obsession of Albania's entry rather then a focus on more pan-European issues probably also counted against them.

Portugal: Their entry "Quero Ser Tua" was in the relatively new "Pimba" style of music and seemed intended to highlight Portugal's links with upcoming football World Cup and Summer Olympic hosts Brazil. It was sung by Suzy who with her long, flowing golden curls could resemble Shakira. As such Portugal seemed to the referencing the recent Shakira song "Can't Remember to Forget You" which featured Rihanna and pointing out that they think Shakira is the superior artist. The big drums used on stage where a reference to the Republic of Ireland's 2013 entry while the shirtless man playing the Djembe type drum was a reference to homosexuality. As such Portugal seemed to be questioning whether its Irish brother in EU bailouts was sure that it wants to pursue a closer relationship with the UK.

In short though a cash strapped Portugal couldn't really justify spending a lot of money on Eurovision resulting in an entry that seemed distinctly lazy. This was reflected in their failure to make it through to the final but it was nice of them to make some effort I suppose.

15:45 on 7/5/14 (UK date).

Ukraine on a Precipice.

Over recent weeks people in the Donbass (Kharkiv, Donestk, Luhansk) region of eastern Ukraine have been planning on holding a referendum on breaking away from the central government in Kiev with next Sunday (11/5/14) set as a provisional date. If this referendum were to take place and the yes campaign were to win it would render the general election that the Kiev government have proposed for May 25 (25/5/14) null and void. So under pressure from the US on Friday (2/5/14) the Kiev government launched a large military offensive in the east in order to crush the separatists and prevent this referendum from taking place.

That offensive focused primarily on Kramatorsk and Slaviansk in Donetsk started badly with the separatists immediately shooting down two Ukrainian Mi-24 attack helicopters killing both crew members on one helicopter and one crew member on the other. The remaining crew member was wounded and captured. A third Mi-8 was also hit and badly damaged but was able to return to base. At least one of those helicopters was shot down using an advanced ground-based air defence system similar to the British made Rapier system. The US obviously leapt on the use of such an advanced weapons system as 'evidence' that Russia has been behind the unrest.

However it is far more likely to indicate that the separatists simply obtained the weapons from the vast underground weapons store in Horlivka that has been under their control for weeks. Alternatively members of Ukraine's military have simply defected because it was military and police units from the Donbass region that were drafted in to face the militants in Independence Square. Further discrediting the US' claims that the anti-Kiev militias are in fact Russian special forces for the most part these militia groups have largely fled when faced with the more elite units of pro-Kiev troops. However as I write the offensive seems to have made little progress in either Kramatorsk or Slaviansk.

One of the main things that has slowed down Kiev's operation and further discredited the claim that Donbass separatists are merely Russian infiltrators is that large numbers of unarmed local residents have taken to the streets to protest the presence of pro-Kiev troops and block their advance. This has led to at least one incident in which a civilian was crushed after being run-over by a tank.

By far the most alarming development of the day though took place not in the Donbass region but in the western city of Odessa which is right on the border with Moldova. Obviously this highlights that opposition to Kiev is not limited to a few provinces in the east of Ukraine. In fact Kiev actually has limited support within both industrial heartland of Donbass and the the Black Sea port cities across the entire south of Ukraine. As a result the Kiev government only really represents half a dozen provinces in the west that have traditionally always enjoyed closer links to Poland then Ukraine.

Despite highlighting the lack of support for Kiev Friday's events in Odessa were particularly sickening. Essentially since the overthrow of the Yanukoyvch government anti-Kiev residents set up a small but permanent protest camp in the centre of the city to peacefully highlight that they do not agree with what is going on. As news of the offensive spread on Friday numbers at this protest camp steadily grew. In the evening members of Right Sector who were responsible for the recent attack against Odessa's Holocaust memorial and who should have been disbanded under the Geneva agreement teamed up with local football Ultras to attack this protest camp. In response to that attack the anti-Kiev protesters were forced to seek refuge in the local trade union headquarters where they were trapped inside. Right Sector then proceeded to set fire to the building and blocked attempts by the fire service and police to put out the fire. By dawn 42 of the anti-Kiev protesters inside the building had been killed.

The most worrying element is that that majority had not been burned to death or killed by smoke inhalation but had been shot by Right Sector as they tried to escape. According to some reports every time someone was shot or fell from the buildings windows a loud cheer went up from the mob outside.

This incident in Odessa is particularly alarming because the level of brutality means that it is likely to act to further polarise Ukraine with the overwhelming majority who have no strong feelings either way being forced to either side with Kiev of side with Donbass. This places Ukraine on the brink of a civil war.

Fortunately though it is not to late for the nation to step back from the edge with Kiev cancelling their offensive and allowing the referendum to take place while Donbass allows the election to take place and the nation continues on the understanding that its political future is far from resolved. Alternatively both sides could simply return to the European Union (EU) brokered transition road-map.

12:50 on 4/5/14 (UK date).

Bring Back Our Girls

In March 2011 western nations led by the UK, France under President Sarkozy and the US decided to invade Libya in order to steal their oil. Obviously following the 2003 invasion of Iraq these nations couldn't send in conventional military forces. So instead they decided to arm local Islamists and fly in Islamist fighters from nations such as Jordan and the Gulf states to make it appear as though they were acting in support of a popular uprising against a brutal dictator.

The problem was that this wasn't true so a large proportion of the Libyan people took up arms to fight against the insurgents. This led to a protracted eight month civil war which forced the west to provide ever more and heavier weapons along with training to the Islamists who were all the time gaining valuable combat experience. When the war in Libya finally ended a large proportion of these Islamist simply packed up their weapons and headed for near-by Mali where they started a war to turn the vast north of the country into an independent Islamist state. By March 2012 the government of Mali had collapsed and the nation was fast turning into a failed state complete with looting, murder, kidnapping, gang-rape, child soldiers and other serious human rights abuses.

By January 2013 France under President Hollande could stand by and watch no longer and dispatched troops to fight the Islamists. The initial combat phase of this operation was hugely successful with the French recording a clear victory. However the peacekeeping phase that followed was more complicated with the French requiring help from both the Malian army and local troops from neighbouring states such as Chad. Unfortunately nations led by the UK and the US saw this as an opportunity to exploit any African nations involving themselves in this peacekeeping mission. Basically the UK and the US intended to spy on the African militaries as they undertook the difficult mission. To increase the pressure on those African nations the US dispatched Rihanna on her Diamonds World Tour. The intention being that all the strange rumours about what Rihanna was getting up to would be mistaken for coded discussions between the western nations about the situation in Mali forcing the African nations to try and break that code.

Under the leadership of President Goodluck Jonathon near-by oil rich Nigeria opted not to take part in the Mali operation instead choosing to fight the small Islamist insurgency by Boko Haram that was going on in Nigeria. Since then Boko Haram have seen their support massively increase and the situation in Nigeria has become more unstable. It used to be that Boko Haram would only be able to carry out a mass casualty bombing or a good old fashioned massacre once every month or so. Now Boko Haram bombings, mass kidnappings and massacres seem to take place on a weekly if not daily basis.

On April 14th 2014 (15/4/14) - in the middle of Nigeria's Presidency of the United Nations Security Council (UNSC) - there was a significant escalation in Boko Haram's terror campaign when they detonated two bombs at a bus station in Nigeria's capital Abuja killing at least 88 people and wounding more then 200 more. Although Boko Haram have previously displayed the capacity for bloodshed on this scale this was really the first time they have been able to strike within the comparatively stable southern Nigeria. Yesterday (1/5/14) Boko Haram struck Abuja again with a car bomb exploding close to the site of the April 14th bombing killing a confirmed 19 people and wounding at least 70 others although those numbers are still rising.

By far the most shocking Boko Haram attack of April 14th though was the kidnapping of 230 girls aged between 15 and 18 from a school in Chibok in the northern Borno state. These girls have not been heard from since and have most likely been split up in to smaller groups and hidden in the dense forest in northern Nigeria and the neighbouring states of Chad and Cameroon. Although there is a possibility that they are being held to extract some form of ransom from the Nigeria government the sheer number involved suggests they are either being sold off to act as slaves - both sexual and traditional - or being kept by Boko Haram to be used for the same purpose. In fact the only consolation I can see the families holding onto is the hope that they were killed quickly.

Obviously with every hour that these girls are missing and with every fresh rumour of what may have happened to them people in Nigeria are getting more and more angry. In this past week many of the groups who were behind Nigeria's January 2012 fuel price protests (Occupy Nigeria etc) have harnessed this anger and turned it into anti-government protests with the Twitter hashtag #BringBackOurGirls helping to bring global attention to the issue.

The human tragedy at the heart of these protests is the same as the one at the heart of the search for Malaysian airlines flight MH370 and the slow recovery of bodies from the South Korean ferry Sewo - simply people want to know what happened to their loved ones. Both the search for MH370 and the Sewo disaster are of course in part references to the US' Rihanna operation.

Therefore this kidnapping and particularly the protests make life extremely difficult for the Nigeria government because it means they have to be expert in the search for MH370, the Sewo disaster and Rihanna whilst at the same time trying to rescue the missing girls and punish Boko Haram.

As such I'm beginning to think that the increased support for Boko Haram progressed from being a low level harassment operation against the Nigerian government to a full-scale attempt to bring down the Nigerian government either through the elections in 2015 or by restarting the north versus south civil war. Already the pressure of the Boko Haram campaign has triggered defections from the Nigeria government and some political opponents in the north have been starting completely unsubstantiated rumours that President Jonathon - whose is from the south - is deliberately protecting Boko Haram in order to prevent the 2015 elections being held in the northern provinces.

So while I completely understand that Nigerians have every right to be absolutely furious at the atrocities being carried out by Boko Haram I think that anger would be better directed against the people who are carrying out the kidnappings and killings rather then the government that is trying to stop them.


13:25 on 2/5/14 (UK date).

The Gerry Adams Arrest.

On Wednesday (30/4/14) evening leader of the Sinn Fein party and member of the Irish Parliament Gerry Adams was arrested over the 1972 murder of Jean McConville after attending a police station in Northern Ireland voluntarily. Sinn Fein quickly dismissed this arrest as politically motivated and this seems likely to be the case.

Recently the government of Republic of Ireland (ROI) have been forging closer links with the UK government which occupied and colonised Ireland for the best part of 400 years. The most obvious symbol of this new close relationship was the recent state visit of the Irish President to meet the British Queen. For many people the tone of that visit was Britain celebrating the regaining of one its colonies. Although Irish independence hasn't been a major political issue in Ireland for the last 50 odd years this left a lot of people feeling uncomfortable at the direction the Irish government is taking. This is likely to contribute to a collapse of support for the Irish government with the Fine Gael part of the governing coalition being particularly affected. So it appears that what the UK has actually done is strengthen its links with a small group of Irish politicians who will soon be leaving office. The European Union (EU) elections that take place in a little over three weeks are likely to provide the first real test of Fine Gael's popularity.

As a result the UK has been going to great lengths to portray anyone who supports the idea of Irish independence as thugs and terrorists by digging up Republican murders and atrocities committed during the Northern Irish Troubles. As was a hallmark of the Troubles murders and atrocities committed by Loyalists are being completely ignored.

This began with the arrest of John Downey for carrying out the 1982 Hyde Park bombing on behalf of the Provisional Irish Republican Army (PIRA). In February 2014 he was released after it emerged that he had been granted an immunity from prosecution as part of the Good Friday peace Agreement. This prompted Loyalist politicians and their allies in the UK Conservative Party to whip themselves up into a frenzy with some calling for the Good Friday Agreement and therefore peace in Northern Ireland to be scrapped.

Next came the arrest and charge of Seamus Daly over the 1998 Omagh bombing - an atrocity so bad it is permanently seared into my memory. Revisiting the Omagh bombing is of course a very risky course for the UK to take because it is well established that the UK security service MI5 had such prior knowledge of the attack that they were able to watch in real time as the bomb was driven from the farm where it was built to the street where it was detonated but did nothing to stop the attack. So at best the UK allowed the Omagh bombing to take place because it shared Daly's Real Irish Republican Army (RIRA) objective of carrying out an attack so horrific that it would collapse the Good Friday Agreement. At worse the UK helped plan the Omagh bombing.

Then there was the re-opening of the Jean McConville who was alleged to have been kidnapped and murdered by the PIRA because she was acting as an informant for the British. So far this resumed investigation has seen five people arrested and questioned by the Police Service of Northern Ireland (PSNI) with only one - Ivor Bell - being charged with any crime. Gerry Adams becomes the sixth person arrested and questioned.

With Adams still being held and questioned as I write the PSNI are remaining tight-lipped about what evidence they have. However it seems that central to the investigation are statements given by former PIRA commander Brendan Hughes as part of an oral history project for Boston College. Hughes died in 2008 meaning that his statements cannot be introduced as evidence at any trial for the simple reason that it is impossible to question him to find out whether he is telling the truth or not. On the extremely rare occasions that testimony of the dead can be used as evidence it has to be given in the form of a affidavit given under oath in the presence of an officer of the Court. Without that it is simply hear-say and no different from me turning 'round and saying; "Last night I heard someone in a pub swearing blind that Peter Robinson murdered Jean McConville."

So unless the PSNI have something much more substantial then the Boston tapes they do not have the evidence to charge Adams over the McConville murder let alone convict him. In fact it seems unlikely they even have sufficient evidence to arrest him. Somehow though I doubt that the PSNI will be admitting that before the EU elections.

10:55 on 1/5/14 (UK date).